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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be disappointed that I am having a girl?

323 replies

Bluebell84 · 27/03/2015 14:12

I have two DSs and I adore them. When I got pregnant again I was some excited, all I could think was me and my three sons.

I guess the rebel in me wanted to defy the notion that having a girl meant my family was 'complete'. the usual comments like 'if u r lucky it will be a girl' or 'third time lucky' was always hit back with 'but a third son will be lucky...'

I honestly love my sons so much.
we found out it is a girl.

I am devastated. I don't have a close relationship with my mother, never had sisters, have two close female friends (pretty shoddy after 30 years on this planet) and I hate shopping, I never did or want to do 'shopping trips' or day spas (but wouldn't mind a football match). I work a lot, don't know anything about fashion and not really into nails and having my hair doneZ

I feel like I am such a poor role model for a daughter. I didn't know what a clitoris was until I was in my 20s (strict religious home where waxing was seen as a sign of promiscuity) and was never taught girly things (my mother was not very maternal) and I feel completely at a loss as to what I am going to do with a little girl.

also my in laws want a daughter and I would hate to comply to their needs.

any advice will be lovely

OP posts:
squoosh · 27/03/2015 14:57

And there's nothing wrong with girls being 'girlie' either. Girliness can be dismissed a bit too easily and tomboyish seen as the ideal.

ThroughThickandThin · 27/03/2015 14:58

It is interesting/distressing/alarming/notable how different replies are to the different threads "disappointed to be having a girl/boy......"

If you were disappointed to be expecting a boy, OP, you would have had a lovely lot of sympathy by now.

Morelikeguidelines · 27/03/2015 14:58

Heeeey calm down. It will be OK.

Your daughter will be a person, just like you. She will be a lovely rounded individual with likes and dislikes that might be as varied as football, rock-climbing, bunjy jumping or whatever. She might like shopping and day spas. She might not. But it wouldn't be all she is about.

Boys are not considered less than girls. Not in society as a whole certainly, and not by you certainly.

Your dd will just be another person. Surely your two sons are different to each others? The fact she is female does not determine what she will be like.

MisterDobalina · 27/03/2015 14:58

"Superflyhigh - you are right about being able to adapt to girlie-girls or boy-y boys very easily. My ds may like bunnies and cuddles, but other than that he is a stereotypically shouty, laddish boy. I am fairly 'girlie'."

I really don't get this. So don't you just have a kid who likes bunnies, cuddles and cars? Like most small children? It's not male or female behaviour. It's just a kid. I have a girl and a boy and they like the same stuff. It's not "ah she's a girl BUT she likes cars." You don't need to have a penis to like engines, or shouting.

squoosh · 27/03/2015 14:59

If you were disappointed to be expecting a boy, OP, you would have had a lovely lot of sympathy by now.

Bull.

Stinkersmum · 27/03/2015 14:59

I'm not attacking anybody. The question from the OP was AIBU to be disappointed I'm having a girl? The OP then goes on to state she's actually DEVASTATED to be having a girl. I suggested that the OP think about the fact she's lucky enough to have one baby let alone 3, you know, get some perspective. This is the AIBU section of mumsnet. Not Sycophants R Us.

Only1scoop · 27/03/2015 14:59

I get the having strong feeling on one sex as a preference but when you are lucky enough to have or be having both Im not sure I do Confused

AntiquityisFlaky · 27/03/2015 15:00

It seems you have soaked up the idea that somehow you were/are a lesser girl/woman/female than others and therefore will be a failure to your own child.

But you were a girl and are a woman therefore whatever you are like is a perfectly good example for your own daughter. Female babies don't emerge from the womb liking what society has deemed "girl" things! You will be her mum! You will be as fabulous and make as many mistakes as you will do with your sons.

I would try to mentally unpick your problems, there will be issues from religion, issues from yourself not conforming to gender norms and issues from what seems to be lack of maternal love. All of these separate issues will be contributing. And some of your grief about this may be due to the fact you didn't have to face them with sons. Therapy would help if you could afford it, otherwise maybe books, the feminist section might be helpful for you. Be kind to yourself.

I also partly understand the in-law thing, my MiL wanted a granddaughter with my FiL's hair and eye colour!! In the end I only have two boys so haven't had to deal with how things might have turned out.

ThroughThickandThin · 27/03/2015 15:00

Not from the last thread I saw squoosh. Bull, right back at you.

squoosh · 27/03/2015 15:03

There seems to be a minority of people on MN, never met one in the wild, who think that simply everyone craves a daughter and that they weep bitter tears if they give birth to a son.

BathtimeFunkster · 27/03/2015 15:03

Girliness can be dismissed a bit too easily and tomboyish seen as the ideal.

I know.

PregnantWoman: I don't want to have a girl, I am not interested in sugar, spice, or any things nice.

Mumsnet: Don't worry, my 3 year old DD has a full beard and an Adam's apple. Not all girls are shite.

Grantaire · 27/03/2015 15:03

I don't think the gender disappointment would be treated differently if we reversed the sex of the baby. Had the op posted elsewhere, it would be different entirely however. AIBU is NOT a licence to behave terribly towards somebody. MN are always very clear about this. Nobody has been sycophantic. Nobody has said it's rational or right to be devastated about the baby's sex. People have been helpful, supportive, pragmatic, empathetic and forthright. All good in equal measure. Name calling, goading and belittling don't actually achieve anything other than to appease the feelings of the person carrying out said behaviour.

Only1scoop · 27/03/2015 15:04

Bath very true

Stinkersmum · 27/03/2015 15:06

Who have I goaded or name called?

MsJudgementalPants · 27/03/2015 15:07

Anyone who is disappointed about the gender of their child would get no sympathy from me throughthickandthin. Surely all a reasonable parent wants is a healthy baby?

MrsAidanTurner · 27/03/2015 15:07

I think you may be surprised at what girls are like, you are one are you not?

your girl may end up being more boy like than your boys.

I hope you are able to keep your ideas about girls loving shopping and all that crap to yourself and not laden your child down with it.

ThroughThickandThin · 27/03/2015 15:08

The last one of these types of threads (I saw anyway) was woman with two dses about to have scan to find out what she was carrying. Desperately didn't want another DS. Desperate to have a Dd. Oh the sympathy and hand holding she got on that thread was unreal. And do you know, it's absolutely fine to have a preference. As long as its a preference for a Dd, it appears.

Aeroflotgirl · 27/03/2015 15:09

Yabvu and you probably know that already. But I think deep seated events that have happened to you in childhood may be responsible for your feelings, and yes you want to do things against the norm. But put that aside, tgere is a little human being that will need you, your love and acceptance. Three beautiful and wonderful chikdren, how lucky are you Smile

Roussette · 27/03/2015 15:10

After my second DD, my FIL wailed "oh No, not another daughter, who is going to carry on the family name?"

We all have our cross to bear Grin

I do hope Bluebell you can take something from this thread. You can be worried or apprehensive to be having a DD but really not devastated - that is too strong a word.

BathtimeFunkster · 27/03/2015 15:10

People are not only reacting to the gender disappointment (which I'm pretty sympathetic towards) but to the naked sexism of the OP.

A group of mostly women is likely to be irked at a post by a woman that characterises all women (other than herself) as shallow and obsessed with grooming and shopping.

Aeroflotgirl · 27/03/2015 15:11

No through I woukd say the same whatever the sex.

myredcardigan · 27/03/2015 15:12

Oh FFS, why can't people just respond supportively to an post clearly started looking for support?
She should be grateful she'd has kids and that they're not disabled. She may be lucky and get one who likes spiders and football. (Can't those girls also like shopping and lipstick?)
Shy don't we shut down the behaviour and development big of the board; after all you're only allowed to worry and complain if your child has real issues (deemed real by whoever) Therefore you should be posting on SN anyway. Who cares that you're 4yr old is struggling in reception. You should be grateful they can attend a mainstream school... Hmm

squoosh · 27/03/2015 15:13

I've seen threads where people are supported when they say they're disappointed they're having a boy/girl. I've never seen a thread where people say 'yes it's okay to regret being pregnant with a boy, not a girl though'.

I've seen one or two threads started though where people state that this is the case.

honeysucklejasmine · 27/03/2015 15:13

You're a girl and you don't like all those "girly" things... So she might not either. I get you though. I dread having to go to Sunday afternoon sports with a child... But neither dh or me are in to it, so hopefully any child we have won't either!

ThroughThickandThin · 27/03/2015 15:13

I agree and think all babies are a blessing...!.. MsJudgementalPants. But I used to be surprised to read posters starting threads about disappointment, and then saw so much support in the last one mentioned above, I assumed the OP would get it here as well.

I am now more supportive because if you can't discuss it in real life, it's better to have an outlet here to do so. And most people if they have a preference and that's not what they're getting, I'm sure will change their mind once they set eyes on the baby.

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