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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To not want my DC around him?

235 replies

UseYourFingers · 26/03/2015 14:45

My sister has been with her partner for 9 years, getting married in December. He has a 17 year old daughter from a previous partner. Was chatting with the daughter and she mentioned it was her mums 30th birthday party coming up. I presumed I'd misheard but mentioned it to my sister, and she confirmed that her DP got a 13 year old girl pregnant WHEN HE WAS 20!

This has made me feel really ill.

We are supposed to be going to Barcelona for her hen weekend in June and her DP was going to have all the kids, including my DD who is 12.
I've told her I don't want this to happen anymore and it's caused a huge argument. I'm not to attend the wedding until I've apologised to him.

I feel really bad. He has babysat before and I feel that I should have been made aware of all this. I've lost all sense of trust towards him and my sister.

I'm not at all implying that he is a paedophile but I can't shake off the notion that at one point in his adult life he was sexually attracted to a child. He was in a relationship with the girl until their daughter was 3.

I don't know what to do or think. Has anyone got any advice?

OP posts:
Dieu · 27/03/2015 09:17

Haven't read the whole thread but if I were the OP, I'd print this off and show to the sister, so that she can see everyone's reactions. I suspect the OP's point of view unfortunately won't be enough to convince her.

flanjabelle · 27/03/2015 09:17

I hated them for it at the time, but that's called being a parent. doing what is right for your child when they are not mature enough to make safe decisions. I thank them for it now. It was the right thing to do.

There is so much pussy footing around teenagers now incase you damage the relationship. Sometimes you have to be tough to protect them. I thought I was invincible when I was a teen, my mum and dad knew better. in some ways I wish they had been stricter because I still went through some horrible things because of situations I put myself in without the maturity to understand the possible concequences.

I have an incredible relationship with my parents now. The times they put their foot down didn't change that, it showed they loved me and cared about me.

PandorasToyBox · 27/03/2015 09:18

He knows full well what he is and he is trying to deflect the truth by accusing you of being jealous of the wedding.

Op if you do meet them I would take your parents for transparency and support.

He is a peadophile

I would in your shoes contact ss too if your dsis has children as that would be a massive safeguarding issue.

This man deserves to have his abusive secret blow wide apart.

Stick to your guns.

I could never be in the same room as someone like him.

PandorasToyBox · 27/03/2015 09:24

He said I've caused loads of upset by bringing it all up and I'm jealous of the wedding, trying to ruin it.

He if following the abusers script, next he will minimise.

PandorasToyBox · 27/03/2015 09:25

Is not if

tobysmum77 · 27/03/2015 09:37

His only possible defence is that you've misunderstood and the upcoming big birthday is her 40th.

TRexingInAsda · 27/03/2015 10:14

Yanbu. You would be very, very stupid and negligent for leaving your 12 year old dd with a man who got a just-turned-12 year old pregnant (and how long was he with her before she fell pregnant?). Your dsis is massively irresponsible for not telling you he was a paedophile knowing you left your your young girls alone with him, and I'd be fucking pissed off with both of them. I wouldn't go to the wedding or meet them. He might be charming as fuck - many of them are, but the facts remain. Your dsis should be apologising for putting your dd at such serious risk. I'd tell them both to get fucked tbh, so angry on your behalf.

Wannabestepfordwife · 27/03/2015 10:29

Yanbu I would be livid in your position! I don't know how your sister could let him touch her!

Your sister obviously thinks it is wrong otherwise why would she not be open with your family about the situation.

littlejessie · 27/03/2015 10:33

YADNBU OP, this is wrong and actually as the mother of two girls I also find it quite frightening. I wouldn't be happy leaving my children in his care either, no matter how much I liked him before finding this out. I do think the fact it's never been mentioned before says a lot, and suspect that your DSis isn't 100% ok with it either if she was to be totally honest with you (and herself).

littlejessie · 27/03/2015 10:41

I wonder how the girls mother felt when her own child was that age!? My mind is boggling here, I just couldn't have left him in charge of her, ever. And for the sister to have removed the OP's choice in the matter by not telling her something so significant is actually really awful. It was never her risk to have taken.

HermioneWeasley · 27/03/2015 10:46

Bloody hell. Your sister is knowing marrying a paedophile. I'd have nothing more to do with either of them, I would make the police aware in case they aren't and if there are any children in the extended family, I would notify SS as well.

He's scum, and she's enabling him.

YouBetterWerk · 27/03/2015 11:29

*He is following the abusers script, next he will minimise.8

^
This.

And, not forgetting, he will bleat on about how 'She was old beyond her years/very streetwise/she persued me/I was young myself/You'd never think she was 12' Angry

Flowers for you OP. You've done the right thing.

VacantExpression · 27/03/2015 11:32

HermioneWeasley has it nailed AFAIC. I and more importantly my children would be nowhere near either of them.

kinkyfuckery · 27/03/2015 11:45

This kind of this terrifies me as a parent.

You are doing the right thing by reporting this, and not leaving your children alone with him. I wouldn't want to be in his company at all. Your sister is deplorable if she thinks this is ok.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 27/03/2015 11:47

Always on these threads you get a few posters taking the attitude of 'the OP will be brought to justice if they go along with it', and whilst that's true, I'm not sure what the relevance is when the OP is clearly horrified & worried about her dd, and not excusing any of this

In general, I don't think it's very wise to use police and social services as the bogey man, for a couple of reasons.

Firstly, using ss as the ultimate scary agency isn't going to foster a productive relationship with them. Also, as we've seen in the media, many of these front line agencies have not been fulfilling their role in protecting children. In so many places, they've not exactly been stalking the streets looking for justice for young girls...

In fact, SS and police both have plenty of form for not reacting or even helping the victim blaming and coverup about under age sex.

And finally, the kind of person to be scared of their involvement / censure in this situation are probably not the people who need stopping from raping children.

Original poster
UseYourFingers · 27/03/2015 12:45

Hi

I will be speaking to the police and ss and whoever else I have to. I'm not about to let this go, even if it means losing my sister or anyone else in the process. I still feel sick and haven't slept properly. I'm also worried as his daughter is 17, she obviously knows how old her mum and dad are, and she's not been brought up being taught how wrong this is. She's been my niece since she was 8/9 years old and I don't want to hurt her.

OP posts:
Roomba · 27/03/2015 13:48

I think that sadly this is more common than people realise. Hopefully recent news stories have made people realise how wrong this is.

When we were only just 14, my best friend had a BF who was 21. Now she genuinely did look about 18, but a conversation with her (and me) at that age would reveal she wasn't very quickly. He knew her age, and I recall that we had to pretend to be 16 if we bumped into any of his friends, colleagues or family when out with him.

Her Mum was angry when she found out, but instead of calling the police or grounding her or anything useful, she just told her she was a slapper and that she was a fool as that sort of reputation would ruin her life! His Dad eventually found out how old she really was, him up and kicked him out, and my friend's Mum felt sorry for him and allowed him to move in! Separate bedrooms, but come on... her rationale was she didn't like it but it was better than her DD moving out to get a flat with him, or police being involved and her DD getting a reputation as a 'slag'.

Thankfully she never got pregnant.

NeedABumChange · 27/03/2015 14:27

Huge difference between 12 and 14.

useyourfingers Does your sister actually realise that the mother was the same age as your Dd when he shagged her? Would she see clearer if it was pointed out just how wrong it would look for a 20year old to get her niece pregnant?

Hissy · 27/03/2015 14:41

Huge difference between 12 and 14

Not in the eyes of the law apparently...

FrenchJunebug · 27/03/2015 14:51

yabu to think that because he had sex once with a 12 year old he will continue to have sex with all 12 year old.

But YANBU to think that it is chocking. Still before you go and ruin your sisters and somebody else family you might want to talk to the ex wife and the daughter....

Jackieharris · 27/03/2015 14:58

It is not the OP 'ruining' lives. He ruined lives when he chose to rape a child.

It doesn't matter if he has groomed others into accepting his criminal behaviour.

LadyIsabellaWrotham · 27/03/2015 15:06

Huge difference between 12 and 14 in the eyes of the law Hissy. The law takes considerable account of the consent of a 14 year old, whereas it pretty much ignores any "consent" given by a 12 year old. Also a reasonable belief that a 14 year old is 16 is a good defence, whereas you are not allowed to claim such a defence about a 12 year old.

PandorasToyBox · 27/03/2015 15:07

yabu to think that because he had sex once with a 12 year old he will continue to have sex with all 12 year old.

LittleBairn · 27/03/2015 15:53

Shock French you are spectacularly naive.
Grown men who have sex with children don't just suddenly grow out of it!

HermioneWeasley · 27/03/2015 16:23

French - OP isn't ruining anyone's life. She's actually doing the opposite by making sure the authorities are aware of a self proclaimed paedophile to reduce his opportunities for reoffending and ruining other girls lives.

As others have said, an adult being sexually attracted to a child is not something that changes

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