about man in coffee shop with scornful macho approach to his impending new baby

[eggyface]

Nice coffee shop down our way, i was in there this morning. Manager (let's call him Dan cos that's his name). He was joking to the staff "toddlers are like dogs, you just have to let them run around haha". All in good humour. I said "haha, have you got children?" he said pfb due in 2 weeks, and did I have any tips.

I thought for a moment whether to do the "it's all fine and lovely, congratulations" angle or the "it's really difficult, but you'll get through it" angle.

I ended up saying "it's amazing but I found it really, really hard. Nothing prepares you for the lack of sleep". He bristled slightly and said "Well, I wouldn't go into it with that negative attitude. I used to have insomnia so I only got a few hours each night. I think it should be something you can manage, right? I'm quite good at managing stuff."

At this point I became U... because it suddenly got VERY VERY important to me that he should UNDERSTAND. I said a variety of things... including baby might have reflux/colic and only sleep for 30 mins at a time, or only sleep on you for the first 6 months, and insomnia's bad I'm sure, but at least you have control over when you rest and how you manage the problem. I also said there are some things in life you can't 'manage' - having a baby for me was like a tsunami and all I could do was just hold on and cope with life for a while.

I know that was slightly BU because I should have nodded and smiled at that point and said how wonderful it would all be. Also, I know babies are for some people quite manageable.

But I was narked at him thinking my attitude was negative. AIBU to have got slightly triggered, and needing him to know what it was like for me? And was he BU to ask for tips, then tell me I had a negative attitude?!

for all we know this may not be her first pregnancy, and she is just happy to have the baby ..

Sorry OP another person who think you blew it. When I was pregant I was warned about all the people who would tell me horror stories about childbirth, but fortunately I never met anyone who told me horror stories about actually having a baby, I was insecure enough as it was.

I only had the one, but I so much enjoyed my baby that I felt everyone should have one.

YWBU, he asked you for tips, not a lecture!
Just because your baby didn't sleep why assume that his won't? My first one slept through the night from 12 days old, (the second didn't) his might too.

I think you did great!

I reckon when that baby is bawling in his arms all night your speech will come back to him and he will think 'ah that lady she was right, free coffees for her forever'

It sounds as though you've still got done resented unresolved issues about becoming a mother.

Bit of bibliotherapy for you while you're at home waiting for the kettle to boil?

Not read all comments but just referring to your initial post, I think it is best to just give positive advice and couch in positive language. So perhaps say 'sleep when the baby sleeps' rather than you will not get much sleep.

Just my personal opinion.

So in a nutshell, he peed you off by calling you negative so you brought him down a peg or two. Bit of an overreaction if you ask me, but then I wasn't there and didn't hear how he sounded when you warned him about sleepless nights. He might have been a bit rude. But still, would shy away from bringing poeple down like that. It's sort of 'two wrongs don't make a right'.

You were a bit OTT!
My firstborn was a model baby and I really wondered what all the fuss was about!
I have four sons and you do take each day as it comes and each problem as it presents itself.

He'll learn, and by the way not every child keeps you awake every night, some of them like their sleep!

I haven't read the whole thread but you are vvvu if you haven't experienced insomnia. My pfb didn't sleep for more than a couple of hours at a time until older than a year. Persistent insomnia is waaaaaay worse! My second son slept 3-4 hours at a time from birth.

YABU OP, but never mind. You gave him a perfect demonstration of what baby-induced sleep deprivation can do to people.

Insomnia may help him cope. I suffer from it and I'm used to feeling like shit almost every single day of my life. For fucking years. I wake up at 4am every godamn morning and cannot get to sleep again. And have to go to work every day. You develop strategies to help. It's way worse for me now than when I was younger and had baby.

The thing is by telling other people your horror story is just that, your story.

For me the pregnancy was the hardest thing and the first 3 weeks after that. However, although DS1 got up for a feed in the night SIL would come round in the day so I could go to sleep so I wasn't too sleep deprived. See, my story is different. Ds1 was a dream baby and toddler (ds2 on the other hand......)

I hate all the doomsday naysayers that come out when you're about to have a baby. If it was that bad nobody would have more than one.

I am pregnant with dc6 and I would be shocked at a random woman telling me this horror story - I feel really sorry for this dad expecting his first!.

For what its worth none of mine have been have horriffic as that and so it really is so individual. When people ask you for tips the correct response is something along the lines of "it goes by so fast just enjoy it". The really are very few general tips when it comes to newborns!

I can see why you found the guy annoying, he's basically said that he thinks you have a negative attitude, and that you can engineer an easy life with a new baby through 'managing' better. Probably felt like a bit of a criticism.

On the other hand, I'm pregnant and I'm sick of hearing horror stories about life with a baby, and would probably resist someone telling me it was going to be awful too.

Eesh...this wound me up when pregnant as well.
Doomsayers are a double-whammy of "I know better than you AND your life is about to turn to shit."

DS was a dream, DD was an unholy nightmare, so having seen both ends of the spectrum, I tell people (if they ask for advice) to drink lots if water, avoid scoffing carbs to combat extreme tiredness and that in the unlikely event of being landed with a hardcore non-sleeper, they WILL get through it.

I also say how having the children was the best thing ever and that they're in for a great adventure. Even DD, in retrospect, has been a crazy ride! Fuelled by witchcraft and plutonium as she is!!!

Different people have different coping skills. I live for my sleep, so those sleep deprived baby nights were hellish. My friend is a night owl and worked out a great routine for her and she managed the early days much better than I did. So, your advice is just your advice; your baby and your life. It's not everyone else's experience and even if it is, they may manage it in a different way to you.

tips on life with a newborn normally means things like
" get some earplugs"
" be nice to your wife/gf"
" use subtitles on the TV when your pacing the floor all night with a baby that just won't settle"

Not scare stories

YABU. Tellers of horror stories drove me mad when I was pregnant. He said you had a negative attitude... Well HWNBU.

Man is positive about impending new baby Shocker!

What a bastard.

I honestly didn't find the newborn stage was that bad really. I mean I don't know anyone else's experience from the inside, but DS slept a lot so I had naps to keep me going. I got a bit bored on maternity leave even though it was only 12 weeks. Was easier than now trying to work full time and look after him in the evenings and so on.

I don't think he wanted tips - not that he got any helpful ones anyway - he was making small talk, which is an exchange of meaningless comments to be polite. In the same way that "fine thanks" would have been the correct answer to "How are you?" rather than a detailed description of an itchy rash around one's groin, you should just have said that he would love it, or something similar. If I were his boss, I wouldn't have been impressed by the way he then talked to a customer - he should have just said "thanks for the warning" or something, but you then went a bit mad, I think.

I think the best thing to say is "your life will never be the same again, you will wonder what the hell you used to do with all your time but it's the most incredible thing you will ever experience. Because even when you are so tired that your eyes are hanging out your head, or when your baby has just thrown up on the last clean set of bedding, when they smile at you, when you look at their perfect little face, none of it matters"

Plus when they are 16 you realise that a baby with refluxe was easier to deal with then a teenage girl with hormones.

Terra. ....My first slept through at about 6 weeks, it was the bloody projectile vomiting I had to deal with after every feed I struggled with!

She lulled me into thinking babies slept through early then I had my second who didn't sleep through until she was four years old. Nightmare child!! Very cute though :)

Yabu. Me and OH have both had sleeping issues/night jobs in the past. We found the night waking mostly easy. My toddler is like a dog, he does need a good running round. Not everyone has your experience. He must be excited about his new baby for him to have been telling people