about man in coffee shop with scornful macho approach to his impending new baby

[eggyface]

Nice coffee shop down our way, i was in there this morning. Manager (let's call him Dan cos that's his name). He was joking to the staff "toddlers are like dogs, you just have to let them run around haha". All in good humour. I said "haha, have you got children?" he said pfb due in 2 weeks, and did I have any tips.

I thought for a moment whether to do the "it's all fine and lovely, congratulations" angle or the "it's really difficult, but you'll get through it" angle.

I ended up saying "it's amazing but I found it really, really hard. Nothing prepares you for the lack of sleep". He bristled slightly and said "Well, I wouldn't go into it with that negative attitude. I used to have insomnia so I only got a few hours each night. I think it should be something you can manage, right? I'm quite good at managing stuff."

At this point I became U... because it suddenly got VERY VERY important to me that he should UNDERSTAND. I said a variety of things... including baby might have reflux/colic and only sleep for 30 mins at a time, or only sleep on you for the first 6 months, and insomnia's bad I'm sure, but at least you have control over when you rest and how you manage the problem. I also said there are some things in life you can't 'manage' - having a baby for me was like a tsunami and all I could do was just hold on and cope with life for a while.

I know that was slightly BU because I should have nodded and smiled at that point and said how wonderful it would all be. Also, I know babies are for some people quite manageable.

But I was narked at him thinking my attitude was negative. AIBU to have got slightly triggered, and needing him to know what it was like for me? And was he BU to ask for tips, then tell me I had a negative attitude?!

My stock response when people ask "any advice" is that all that matters is that your baby is alive at the end of the day. That's what we aimed for and are never disappointed! Food, warmth, clean pamper, clothing and lots of love. Nothing else matters.
I continue to adopt the same attitude now they're 3 and 1 except an added proviso. As long as they're alive and go to bed with a smile on their face... Even if I have to tickle them out of a tantrum or whinge fest.

I found the first years a breeze, slept loads, easy easy babies. I found 20 months- 3 years a challenge. Hopefully I don't find it as challenging with DS2. But it all passes...

What did you expect from this thread OP? That everyone would congratulate you in bringing the man down and making sure he knew his life was about to become hell?

Erm, he didn't 'need to know what it was like for you'. That was not what he asked. No wonder he was fed up. Poor fella! Anyway, my three kids all slept through from around 12 weeks. He might get one like that.

I think there are a lot more positive ways to talk to someone expecting their first child. I do know what you mean, sometimes that attitude can come across like "You must be weak, I'm way tougher than that" and it can seriously piss you off!!

However I wouldn't be negative because you never know, he might find it easy after all and also because it's a bit deflating.

If someone asks me what it's like I say "Well everyone's different but for me it was 100 times harder and 100 times more wonderful than I could ever have imagined".

When my friend was heavily pregnant a lady she didn't know came up to her, pointed to her bump and said "It's like a long prison sentence"!!!!

Dereck wellcome back!!!!

Yes op yabu.
Poor guy was just excited about his first child.

Oh gosh op, sorry but I think you were being really unreasonable through it all- not just the part when you got all cross with him. He asked for tips...from what I can see you gave none but probably filled the poor guy with dread.

People rarely actually mean it when they ask stuff like that anyway. It's like if he'd said 'good day?' He was probably just being polite and in my opinion you should have done the same. After all, he's just a man in a coffee shop. Not a close friend who's said 'give it to me straight- how is it?'

If you'd really felt the need to follow up 'it was amazing' with a negaitve then perhaps given your setting a breezy 'but it's a good job you have a good supply of caffeine at work!'

Also, if you post of aibu, it's kind of par for the course that people might think you were bu so arguing against its abit of a contradiction to posting here!

bloody hell, the poor bloke was only trying to make small talk, he'll probably avoid eye contact and ask someone else to serve you next time.

And to be fair op just because your baby didn't sleep doesn't mean his won't.

If you have another one it will be a totally different experience.

Every child is different and so is each baby.

Why was he macho? I agree toddlers are like dogs. Excercise, food, love, sleep. especially boys.

He's probably sick to death of people telling him how bad it's going to be - I know I was so I kinda adopted the same view as him, that it will be what it will be and that i'm going to be positive about it until it happens to me!

I don't think it's a big deal what you said though so try and put it behind you now!

When I was pregnant the worst thing in the world was people telling me how dreadful and hard it was going to be. I just could not understand why people couldn't just say how lovely having a baby is.

When she arrived the reality was a million times better then what everyone made out, it just meant I spent the last few weeks of my pregnancy worrying that I would never ever sleep again and I would hate my maternity leave. It really put a downer on my pregnancy.

He was probably expecting you to say something along the lines of "fill the freezer with lasagnes", not a rant about the horrors possibly awaiting him.

YABVVVVU. When I was pregnant, the one thing that would piss me off was people going on about how you'll never sleep again and blah blah blah. And they'd be saying it really condescendingly as if their word was gospel. Truth is that yes some babies sleep lots, others not so much. Some babies get colic, others don't. You were being very unfair to immediately launch into the whole colic thing, not being able to sleep, etc. Give the guy a break - he'll find out soon enough for himself.

Totally U. People like you piss me off. I am due my pfb in October. A friend of mine had two young daughters and has had a pretty rough time with both of them. And apparently that's what I'm going to have. My DB and SIL have one child. That slept through from 9 weeks, was potty trained at 24 months day and night and has never caused them sleepless nights for any other reason. Maybe I will get lumped with the first scenario. Maybe I won't. But just because you did there's absolutely no need for you to project your misery and stress onto a first time dad who has such positivity.

Surely a tip is something like pulling vests down in the event of a poo explosion or buying a jumperoo.

He asked for a tip.

Yeah YABU. Chances are its not going to be like that for him - firstly because for a lot of people having a baby really isn't a 'tsunami'. Okay so you can't have a nap whenever you feel like it, and some babies are quite restless, but seriously, its just another phase we all go through! Also, to be fair, its probably his partner who will be on mat leave , not him, so he probably won't be doing an awful lot of the night stuff. Why does he need to understand your personal story? It's not particularly relevant to him! His experience will be totally different I'm sure!

Don't be hard on yourself, OP. You went through a hard time with a new born and he tried to put you down by saying it's all about 'managing' time. Cocky know it all people without children really get on my tits. He will soon learn what it's like... Maybe you scared him a little but he'll get over it.

I remember complaining to a friend without children that my new born cried all the time. She said 'well, yes, he's a baby' knowingly. TRY LIVING IT I felt like saying, then maybe youwouldn't brush my comment off! To this day her comment irks me and my son is 3!

Babies are hard, but each in its own way and better to find out yourself unless you're discussing it with a really close friend. Asking for any tips is just chit chat- you should've said 'sleep when baby sleeps', 'get x toy- it's great'- that sort of thing. A stranger doesn't want to know how hard it was for you.

YABU it's not macho, it is a normal human reaction. Unless you've had a child it is difficult to imagine how hard it is.

flowerygirl 'He will soon learn what it's like...'

And guess what - maybe he won't. Maybe his baby will be a little breezy charmer. Comments like yours make you sound spiteful and bitter. You had a hard time so you think everyone else will or should do?

I really do not understand why people feel the need to go on about how hard it is. Yes it is fucking hard for some people, but all babies are different and all adults cope differently.

One rule does not fit all, and bringing someone down with negativity like that when they asked for 'tips' really does come across as being bitter.

wtf did I read this thread 23+3 here

Welcome back Derek!

YABU, sorry you had a tough time - it felt like my eldest didn't sleep until he was 3 to be honest but his sisters both slept through from very young. Everyone is different.
Fwiw, I have insomnia and it did actually help me through the rough nights. Well - it didn't make me feel any worse anyway!
Just be thankful you were only tactless to him not his pregnant wife - I shudder to think what tip you would have given her!

Seriously, people don't like to know what it's like until they are there.

Just smile and say congratulations while laughing in your head at how unprepared they are.

I remember when I was pregnant- lots of people would say " wait until the baby arrives" you will kno all about it then.

Baby hood was fine. Colic yes, nightly feeding yes.

When I had my baby people would say - "wait until the terrible twos". Tantrums came and went. It was fine. We coped.

When I had my toddler people would say " wait until you have a 5 year old" 5 years was fine, my children were growing up.

THen it was " wait until the pre-teen years" - and that was fine too. Next " you don't know anything until you have a teenager" I gave up listening to the advice by then.

Now that my kids are almost adult- I realise it was all bull.

How can anyone predict how parenthood will be?

I mean to be fair, it's a bit like approaching a heavily pregnant woman who says "Yes I hope to try hypnobirthing, you know" and looking in horror and saying "HOLY SHIT. You have NO IDEA. Your bits are going to end up more ragged than a broken window. And they will feel like one too."

It's just unnecessary. She might have an awful birth, or she might have a great one. It's not your (random stranger)'s place to bring her out of any kind of delusion that she might have.

Still, obviously you were having a bad day and I do know the feeling. Problem is when it's 2 weeks to go it's far too late to warn them and just comes across as rude.

Asking for tips is asking for things like "swaddling works for some babies", or "remember, this too shall pass", not "it might be horrific and you'll wonder what you've done to your life"