about man in coffee shop with scornful macho approach to his impending new baby

[eggyface]

Nice coffee shop down our way, i was in there this morning. Manager (let's call him Dan cos that's his name). He was joking to the staff "toddlers are like dogs, you just have to let them run around haha". All in good humour. I said "haha, have you got children?" he said pfb due in 2 weeks, and did I have any tips.

I thought for a moment whether to do the "it's all fine and lovely, congratulations" angle or the "it's really difficult, but you'll get through it" angle.

I ended up saying "it's amazing but I found it really, really hard. Nothing prepares you for the lack of sleep". He bristled slightly and said "Well, I wouldn't go into it with that negative attitude. I used to have insomnia so I only got a few hours each night. I think it should be something you can manage, right? I'm quite good at managing stuff."

At this point I became U... because it suddenly got VERY VERY important to me that he should UNDERSTAND. I said a variety of things... including baby might have reflux/colic and only sleep for 30 mins at a time, or only sleep on you for the first 6 months, and insomnia's bad I'm sure, but at least you have control over when you rest and how you manage the problem. I also said there are some things in life you can't 'manage' - having a baby for me was like a tsunami and all I could do was just hold on and cope with life for a while.

I know that was slightly BU because I should have nodded and smiled at that point and said how wonderful it would all be. Also, I know babies are for some people quite manageable.

But I was narked at him thinking my attitude was negative. AIBU to have got slightly triggered, and needing him to know what it was like for me? And was he BU to ask for tips, then tell me I had a negative attitude?!

I am afraid yabu, it was a negative attitude, I am sure he has heard bucket loads about sleep and all the rest, he probably wanted a light hearted positive chat, up beat, share in his JOY.

YWBVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVU Op. No need to piss on his chips like that. Not helpful and not nice.

It used to irritate me beyond belief when I was pregnant with my first child and all people would talk about was the sleeplessness and dirty nappies and baby vomit etc. You were being completely unreasonable not to say "Congratulations, I hope it all goes well." It's hard to imagine that there are many adults who aren't aware that babies cry quite a lot and can be grouchy and demanding - if you really wanted to give him a tip how about something a little less doomsday-y next time: "Try to make time for yourself and your partner" or "I found x product really helped with nappy rash."

er i said one sentence, it was amazing, but also really hard, and the thing i found hardest was being unprepared for the lack of sleep. I'd have gone on to say more if he hadnt immediately told me that was a negative thing to say.

it was being told off for being negative that got my goat.

isn't that the same as the poster who says the hard parts are fucking hard and the good parts make up for it?

Poor bloke, excited about the arrival of his pfb and some mad harpy restlessly informs him of how horrendous it will be and in detail. Why would you do that, when I was pregnant people seemed to revel in telling me how bad it will be and I honestly never thought it was, maybe I was just lucky.

Either way I don't understand peoples need to piss all over first time parents impending excitement

YABU. So much. On so many levels. My god. And stop using words you have seen on Tumblr, they lose all their sense.

guess i also really dislike being in the secret smug camp. I'd hate the feeling that other people smugly know something I don't and are thinking "ooh you'll learn" inside their heads about me. i woudln't want to be that person to someone else.

yeah, I know it was ott and unreasonable. and most of you would prefer not to know then?

Sorry but what planet are YOU on, because on mine there is a wealth of media about how hard babies are, films, books, plays, programs.

As well as family.
Do you really think YOU were the ONLY person who might have let him into the big secret that babies don't sleep u dont think he and his wife already know this

Derek! Good to see you back!

hmm, the word-choice thing is very triggering for some of you, isn't it?

Poor bloke, excited about the arrival of his pfb and some mad harpy restlessly informs him of how horrendous it will be and in detail
what is he supposed to say?
Your right lets send it back?

you put him in an akward postion.

Hey Derek!!!! Is that you, or has someone nicked your username???
Op, you're being ridiculous. Why would you want to spread the misery of sleepless nights? He'll find out soon enough; you wanting him to "UNDERSTAND" your (and soon to be his - maybe) pain seems really nasty, actually.

YABU to state that insomniacs can control when they rest...they really can't.

I actually get where the coffee shop guy is coming from. I'm an insomniac and though I wasn't brazen enough pre-baby to state that I should be more accustomed than most in handling sleep deprivation, already knowing how to manage it has stopped the sleepless nights from being such a big shock to my system.

Either way, the way to deal with naive expectant parents is to allow them to be naive, unless you have a close relationship with them. So, YABU.

Ha - thanks to this thread, I realise I was scornful and macho before (and after!) the births of all my children .

OP, will you be dreadfully disappointed if you ever discover that the baby years were a doddle for the poor man, as they are for many?

Yes, you may have become one of those mums who overshares her experiences and sounds determined that the listener will surely have exactly the same experience!

Oh well. Doing this once in a while, with negative or positive stories, is one of those situations that happens once you become a parent, even when you swear you would never be like that.

You may need a new coffee shop.

See OP- when an expectant parent asks me for tips I tell them to stock up on handy snack food or that Tesco nappies are just as good as branded ones.

That's the kind of thing they want to hear. Not some sleep-deprived loon pinning them to wall and bellowing "You won't sleep for twenty years!" at them.

Even if it's true.

No it's not the same. That response normally comes to posters who go : Argggh, it's harder than I ever thought possible I'm getting all wrong. When their baby is with them and it's their experience. Not tacking yours onto them before they had a chance to have a good experience. Your challenges were yours, theirs will be theirs.

You say in your OP you did blather on more about all sorts. Way more than one sentence about it being amazing but difficult to sleep. You went from slightly negative stranger to whoooooah weird ranty lady.

YABU

I think your original answer was fine, but why the need for him to know what it was like for you? Not everyone has the same experience and it mostly boils down to pure luck. For you having a baby was like a tsunami but others breeze through it, I found the newborn stage the easiest of all- it was later parenting challenges I struggled with!

I have lots of dc, the only tips I give are to enjoy the good bits and and get through the rest however suits you best

Yy to the 'smile and nod' approach some friends of ours recently became parents for the first time and when their baby slept through at 6 weeks they told us they'd 'cracked it' and were so happy that their ds was being good and that they couldn't understand why other peoples DCs were having sleepless nights at 2 years etc didn't have the heart to tell them that just because he'd slept that one night he wouldn't actually do it every night bless

momagain1 you may be right! haha. they do lovely coffee though and it'll be nice to meet his lovely baby.

thanks for all the comments. x

it was being told off for being negative that got my goat

But you WERE being negative.

OP, I don't understand why you posted about you being a sour know it all and are then surprised when people tell you that's what you've been?
There are ways to give a light hearted response to being asked for tips - I prefer to say "double your wine budget".
The poor guy obviously has issues around sleeping ie insomnia - why tell him how crap it will be?
Its not a smug secret club, its called polite small talk.

YABU. His response seems sensible - he will manage just like all parents do.

Some baby's do sleep. Some people are used to little or broken sleep.

Mine slept for 3 or 4 hours stretches. And the fact I didn't have to get up in morning suited me fine. I used to lie in bed reading waiting for DD to wake up some days.

I'd be quite happy sleeping 12am-3am, 3am-6am and 6am-10am ish now. But am a night owl and don't sleep through due to serious health condition plus have to be up for work.

YWBVU

"Im looking forward to the birth of my child"

"You shouldn't be"

Paraphrasing, of course, but impending parenthood is a lovely thing. Why did you want to make him dread it? Yes of course it may well be more difficult than he thought, but its nice to give encouragement when people are going through something new.

I have 5DC and always tell people that any difficult times are only temporary. They are.
It's nice to be positive, y'know?