To expect wedding cards to the both of us not to be solely addressed (by the looks of it) to my new dh?

[treacleturkey]

That's it, really. We got married a couple of months ago, very few guests, and are still receiving cards from well-wishers - which is really nice of them.

So why does it annoy me SOOOOO much that the cards are addressed to 'Mr and Mrs (his initial) HIS Surname'?

I've kept my surname (why would anyone change theirs in this day and age?) and, surprise surprise, my own initial! So why are our cards mostly addressed to DH??? GGrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I know its not approved of on MN but I was actually happy to have my dh's surname when we married and loved the "Mr and Mrs" everywhere.

Have you made it clear to friends and family that you are keeping your name, if so YANBU. If not, YABU they are only trying to share their happiness and well wishes with you and following tradition. Correct them, nicely and then go batshit crazy if they get it wrong next time

They are not. They are addressed to both of you.

You say you had very few wedding guests - so presumably the people sending the offensive cards did not receive an invitation or a thank you letter after the event? Therefore, how the hell are they supposed to know? If they do know then fine, YANBU.

Otherwise, they are simply addressing the envelope in the way that would be correct for most people .

Sending cards is traditional, taking your husband’s name is traditional. Just be grateful and happy, there are far more important things to get het up about.

YABU. This is a perfectly normal way to address correspondence to a couple - even "in this day and age". If you want to be addressed differently then let people know, but don't assume that they will guess .

They are following convention, so unless you have told them that you are keeping your surname, then they are only guilty of making an erroneous assumption rather than deliberately excluding you. If you want to correct them, then do so by all means, but I wouldn't frame it as a complaint that they are addressing well-meaning gestures of affection to your husband alone.

Is it the 1950s still here, then?

Yes, most were invited but couldn't make it as wedding was abroad.

Why is it still assumed, in this day and age, that a woman will take a man's name? My 2 best friends and all 4 of my sisters have kept their own names...so it's not uncommon where I am.

How very annoying people didn't know you haven't taken your husband's name, and wishing you well in your marriage??

HOW VERY DARE THEY!!

It would annoy me too, I think it is a bloody cheek to assume someone has changed their name if they haven't told you that is the case. If they aren't sure they should ask before assuming, it's so outdated. I cringe inwardly at Mr and Mrs too, it's not just the names.

I've already said it was really nice of them all to send cards; I'm very appreciative.

But why assume?
I knew I should have waited until the evening to post this......(am off work ill, myself.)

One of my best friends kept her name, she doesn't feel the need to get outraged over people assuming she would be Mrs

In fact she uses it to her advantage with colder callers,

'Oh Hello, Mrs Smith?'

'No, no-one here of that name'

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

treacle

I don't know many people at all who don't have their husbands surname, my default would be to address the card to Mr and Mrs

If I'm told otherwise I would address it as requested.

To be honest it would also depend on which one of you I knew best IYSWIM so a Christmas card would come addressed to you in your own name

YABU

I know one person who kept her maiden name upon marriage. They were divorced within two years apparently she had known the marriage wouldn't last from the off.
Its certainly not the norm where I am. Its assumed she takes the mans name because its tradition, and what most people do. Our name identifies us as a family and I love it. I couldn't imagine having a different name than my DC's (or them not having their fathers name). Its not a tradition you are obliged to continue but please don't judge us that do. Even in this day and age.

Why is it assumed? Because most people do it! People who do take their husbands names are not living like its the 1950s. I took dhs name, purely because I hated mine and wanted my future kids to have the same name as me and dh. No way was I double barreling mine. I also have a marriage that is very equal.

Yabu . No one is trying to imply your dh now owns you. They have made an incorrect assumption. That's all. Would you prefer they all rang and confirmed exactly what you are doing regarding your name? Because tbh, that wouldn't occur to me to do that it if someone I knew got married.

Maybe you should have put something in the invitations, if it bothered you so much.

YANBU. At all.

I have to leave this thread now, or I'll get annoyed at everyone who comes on saying it's 'traditional' and (worse) 'correct' and therefore YABU.

These people are, of course, wrong.

Thanks WhoKnows; my point IS that it's so outdated, and sexist.

Think I will post this in feminist section instead!

No. It's clearly not the 50s here. Manners seemed to have more importance placed on them in the 50s, and people were actually thankful that they received cards and well wishes for their weddings, rather than nitpicking over a name change issue that people may not be aware of.

If they are annoying you so much by offering well wishes, then return the card unopened. I doubt they'll bother you again.

It's annoying, if you haven't changed your name, when people make assumptions. But as it's widespread, I think that's 'smile and nod' territory.

Using his initial however, unless it's someone making the distinction between your DH and his elder brother, is not traditional it's wrong.

Yabu or even yabmpafabn - you are being massively precious and frankly a bit narcissistic

This refusal to name-change is a little short-sighted. If you have children, whose name will they have? If you double-barrel, which appears to be common nowadays, then what are they going to do when they have children?

For those of us who grew up in far more sexist times, this (MN) obsession with not taking the man’s name on marriage is trivial in the extreme.

But, more to the point, if you are so opposed to tradition, why get married at all?

I'd be annoyed too. In fact, I was gobsmacked at how difficult members of my own family found it to grasp that I wasn't ceasing to be Dr LadyGregory to be Mrs HisSurname, and that our son would have both surnames. And this was even after I'd told them - after a bizarre first Christmas in which my identity appeared to have been subsumed.

'Most people' in my circles certainly don't change their names, though a few academic couples I know both changed their names to hyphenate with the other surname, so he became Dr Hisname-Hername, while she became Dr Hername-Hisname.

But surely if the convention - yes, even in 2015 - is for the female partner to change their name, then the people addressing these cards are just following that. And the distinction must be made for those that have decided to keep the same name. People aren't psychic.

It's hardly a bloody cheek to think that a couple who've just married might have done what loads and loads and loads of people have done in the past.

Consider this - a number of my friends in same sex couples who are getting married later this year cannot wait to have the same surname with a legal marriage certificate and they (different friendship groups - they don't know each other) have decided that one of them will change their name to the other, and they haven't fought about it either.

People would assume it because, like it or not, most married women in the UK are known as Mrs Husbands-Name.

That is still the social 'norm', so if you are keeping your own name & don't want this to keep happening, you really need to let people know. They aren't mind readers (I assume).

None of my friends or family kept their maiden name.

Your friends are using the traditional way to address a married couple.

They aren't psychic

TheListingAttic, I'm going to have to leave too, I'm getting so wound up!

I love the story about the woman who DIDN'T follow the 'tradition' of taking her husband's name......OBVIOUSLY her marriage failed within 2 years!

What a joke. This is depressing as hell.