To expect wedding cards to the both of us not to be solely addressed (by the looks of it) to my new dh?

[treacleturkey]

That's it, really. We got married a couple of months ago, very few guests, and are still receiving cards from well-wishers - which is really nice of them.

So why does it annoy me SOOOOO much that the cards are addressed to 'Mr and Mrs (his initial) HIS Surname'?

I've kept my surname (why would anyone change theirs in this day and age?) and, surprise surprise, my own initial! So why are our cards mostly addressed to DH??? GGrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Why did you change your name? Was your surname Hitler or something like that?

Genocidal or otherwise unfortunate surnames aside: making out that it's an independent and freely taken personal choice in the context of centuries of social norms... not so sure about that.

And what debbietheduck said.

ShakesBooty

Knickers in a knot about nothing.

I have relatives in a civil partnership and they have kept their own names. Sometimes I just write the closer relatives name on the envelope. I'm sure the other partner isn't having an attack of the vapours about it.

Your friends might not realise you haven't changed your name, they may have forgotten, who knows the reason but it is only an envelope why does it matter so much? I'm sure the postman doesn't care and who else will see it?

When I married DH I was too happy to care what was written on envelopes. I was to in love and people were being too lovely to us, and generous.
I hadn't decided at the time wether I would change my name or not. I did infact take DHs name, but I'm not bothered if people use that or my maiden name. I tend to think I have better things t care about.
I did spot the one card though that was a mrs and Mrs card. Made me laugh :)

Well, when I was taught to address envelopes at school in the 70s, I was taught to put people's names on the envelope, that doesn't need any updating really.

To me, it is outdated and wrong to continue the sexist tradition of female name changing. But some of my closest friends have done it, it's not like I hate their guts or anything. I just don't share their views. If they call themselves Mrs Hisname then that's how I address them in writing.

If I knew them before marriage then I still call them by their maiden name in conversation though, that's normal in Scotland anyway.

You do have to train yourself to move from 'Grrr' to 'eye roll' as it unfortunately seems to be relentless.

DH and I were married nearly 2 years ago. We were invited to his best man's wedding last year. The invite was addressed to Mr and Mrs DHHisname. We replied saying that ThistledewHername and DHHisname would love to attend. I was on the seating plan as ThistledewHisname.

FFS .

Great news WhoKnows, if only all children had the same access to your 70s quality education. Who knows, perhaps your 70s primary school teachers weren't all born in the 1920/30s as my mine were. Teachers eh? But that's a whole different thread.

The reasons are incredibly personal, to the extent that I am not prepared to share them on a public forum to make a point.

making out that it's an independent and freely taken personal choice in the context of centuries of social norms... not so sure about that.

So my unmarried sister and brother who both chose to change her name to different names, unrelated to our previous shared surname weren't making a personal choice? My male cousin who has done the same?

It's pretty patronising to assume that just because I am a woman, I am incapable of making a choice for my own personal benefit or that I must be lying about my reasons for doing so.

YANBU OP.

Here is a thought provoking article on name changing- www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-29804450.

Anyone who supported my #MothersOnMarriageCerts campaign change.org/nameequality do you realise the reason your mother's are not named on your marriage certificates is because if John Smith is your father's name them that was deemed to cover your mother too - e.g. your father was Mr John Smith and your mother was therefore Mrs John Smith.

Well, if you're not prepared to explain why you changed your name, bringing it up doesn't really advance the discussion, does it?

Given that male and female members of your family changed their names, I surmise that there was something unpalatable about keeping your original names, which is why I said: 'Genocidal or otherwise unfortunate surnames aside'

The reasons given on here for name changing are almost always that the husband had a nice name and the wife had a rubbish one so she wasn't that bothered, and changed it.

Well that's fine if it suits them, but in my entire life I've never met or heard of a man saying 'My name is a bit boring and yours is really cool so let's both be called your name'.

All these cool named men and boring named women are following an outdated convention imo.

Wish I had never changed my name.

I have now gone become Ms Mysurname DHSurname but an increasingly infuriated by official post to Me DHSurname. Will probably revert properly soon..

Anyway OP I think you will like a little Christmas Campaign I had..

nameequality - interesting article, thanks for linking.

nameequality, I must mention that in Scotland, women have full equality on birth, death and marriage certs as regards names. Women's names are all listed, no matter how many they're had.

Their occupation wasn't always listed but maiden name, yes, since statutory registration anyway.

nameequality.wordpress.com/2014/12/09/the-christmas-2014-nameequality-campaign-dont-call-women-mrs-husbandfirstname-surname/ < my Xmas campaign

Well, if you're not prepared to explain why you changed your name, bringing it up doesn't really advance the discussion, does it?

Not if you don't believe me that I had good reasons for doing so which aren't related to wanting to conform to societal norms, no.

There was no way to predict that you would be unable to imagine reasons beyond it being 'genocidal or otherwise unfortunate' though, but given that seems to be the case, it's probably not worth discussing any further.

I chose to take DH's surname. He didn't ask me to, nobody else did, I just wanted to partly because I had a ridiculous maiden name . I like that we're linked and that people know we're married without asking. I don't think it's 'wrong' for someone to keep their name when they marry, so I take exception to someone thinking my decision is wrong! Should there be a law saying that nobody can change their surname, ever? Because saying it's wrong to take your husband's name could be seen as supporting taking away a woman's right to choose. Which kind of defeats the point of feminism.

OP, I would make an effort to address people by the name they have chosen if I were sending a card. But really, let it go - they're just sending you their best wishes which is hardly a crime. If they're still doing it in a few years, then you can get annoyed.

Good work nameequality.

I do believe you Dojo, not sure why you think I don't.

Brilliant link.

I'm 30. I'd say about half of my female friends have changed their names on marriage.

I was taught at school that the correct way to address an envelope to a married couple is mr and mrs his initial and surname.

Obviously if I know my friend hasn't changed her name, then I would address accordingly, and I would never address something just to the wife as mrs his initial surname because I hate that.

It is a social convention, and it was still being taught in the 90s! It's not meant to offend

Oh and MorrisZap, the wanting to have DH's name far outweighed having my daft maiden name, which wasn't so horrendous that I wouldn't have been happy to keep it had I wanted to not change mine. I just like having his surname. If he were sexist I wouldn't have married him. And if any of my friends who addressed cards to Mr and Mrs Hisinitial Hissurname were sexist they wouldn't be my friends.

OP I agree with you. It is old fashioned. I just put 'Janet and Roy' on envelopes, it's not tricky.

Squidgy, you're free to call yourself whatever you like. I wouldn't dream of telling you what to call yourself. But I think the convention itself is outdated and wrong.

I will tell my son this, and anybody else who asks my opinion on the matter.