To expect wedding cards to the both of us not to be solely addressed (by the looks of it) to my new dh?

[treacleturkey]

That's it, really. We got married a couple of months ago, very few guests, and are still receiving cards from well-wishers - which is really nice of them.

So why does it annoy me SOOOOO much that the cards are addressed to 'Mr and Mrs (his initial) HIS Surname'?

I've kept my surname (why would anyone change theirs in this day and age?) and, surprise surprise, my own initial! So why are our cards mostly addressed to DH??? GGrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Taking the man's surname is still probably the norm - some people use "married name" domestically/ for child related stuff and "maiden name" at work - I'd say using both names simultaneously is quite common.

Addressing it with his initial is outdated though surely! Why not just "Mr and Mrs Smith"? The only woman I have ever known who liked pist to be addressed to her as Mrs Husband's first name, Husband's Surname was my grandmother, w ho would be 103 if she were still alive...

If they're his more distant extended family perhaps they can't remember your name

'Treacle, am not even going to read further because these threads never fail to astonish and depress me with the extent to which some women collude in their own oppression. I do not know anyone in real life who uses her husband's name, so am doubly baffled by the attitudes on here'

LadyGregory, I completely agree with your first point. I'm very shocked by your second sentence - I work with almost all women and only about 3 of them who are married use their own name. It's really depressing

RowRow - read the thread - we DID put a note in all invitiations!

I'm very aware that I talking to a fair amount of women who don't work/have careers today so I'm going to wait until the evening for a more rounded view!

Oh yes, it's the 1950s housewife shift during school hours.

YANBU. Since the tradition of the woman changing her name to match her husband's is inherently sexist, I always do my friends the credit of assuming they will not follow it. Many of them, happily, have lived up to my expectations.

If someone I know gets married, I continue to address them the same as before, unless they let it be known that they want to be called something else. If they want to be Mrs Hisname then of course that's what I put on their Christmas cards etc.

I apologise I have depressed you. I need to check how I worded my post- they didn't separate because she didn't change her name, I didn't even meant to imply that at all, she didn't change her name because she had a feeling how the following years would pan out and (correctly) assumed it would be easier to have never changed her name. Sadly (as you see it) that is the only example of a woman not taking her husbands name I have. I do also sadly have many friends who have regretted taking the husbands name as on divorce they have changed back!

LadyGregory, I think I love you.

X-post with you OP. I see you put a note in the invitations so you are being less U than I first thought. Although having said that, I would probably have been guilty of having missed that sort of detail unless it were really prominent.

We are usually scrabbling around for the invitation on the morning of any wedding we have been invited to wondering exactly where we are supposed to be and at what time!

Sorry that you assume that everyone posting on here doesn't have a career and is therefore living in a 1950s time-warp with opinions that you feel justified in disregarding. I am a solicitor; the friends and acquaintances I mentioned in my pp are solicitors, barristers, GPs, a consultant surgeon, accountants (to name but a few).

I can see it may be annoying but schools were still teaching the Mr and Mrs [his initial] [his surname] in the late 70s and 80s whilst I was there. There is no emotion or belittling going on with lots of people, they are just doing what they were taught at school, so cut them some slack. You can nicely remind those you will be in touch with for Christmas and Birthday cards (if you do that) again so hopefully they will take on board your wishes in the future, I am sure they will respect your wishes if you handle it well.

Keep your own name, take your spouse's name - it is people's own choice and good luck to them whatever they decide for themselves, it is a personal choice.

And for the record OP, I have a career and am off sick too, the comment about waiting till the evening for a more balanced view is fucking outrageous, why don't you mention that you find it entirely acceptable to insult women who happen to be accessing MN in the afternoon in the feminist section too?

I'm not even a feminist!

OP, you can't just decide that something is outdated because you don't like it. I only know one if my friends who didn't take her husbands surname. Just because you disagree, doesn't make it outdated or wrong. It's a personal choice.

Treacle, I think you might be though. Hate to break it to you

Sorry Turkey but I've got some really bad news for you.

You are a feminist.

X post with Morris

Out of curiosity though, why do you say you're not?

Just because you disagree, doesn't make it outdated or wrong. It's a personal choice.

See, I do think it's outdated and wrong for women to drop their own name on marriage. Doesn't mean I go around openly criticising those who do that, but I do think it's outdated and wrong.

You know what, you are acting like the stereotype of what a feminist is which is an insult to feminists.

Pissed me right off that 'in the evening' comment.

OP, I'm really interested to know why you say you're not a feminist?

I'm very appreciative. No, you're not. The letters were addressed "correctly" according to normal convention and they reached their destination, which is the sole purpose of an address.

No problem here.

Very much agree Janine

I've spent 10 years trying to explain it to relatives. Umpteen cheques have had to be rewritten etc. they still don't understand and think that because we now have a DD (who has my surname as a middle name) I really must have changed after all and must just be misremembering.

It is not normal convention to give women their husbands initial, married or otherwise.

I must admit I did call my friend Mrs Steve Baxter when she married but I was taking the piss and she shares my sense of humour.

See, I do think it's outdated and wrong for women to drop their own name on marriage.

Whatever their reasons? Isn't it a bit dismissive of a woman's ability to make their own decisions to assume that you know why someone has changed their name and to categorise it as 'wrong' regardless. I changed my name on marriage, for reasons which are nothing to do with tradition. Other members of my family (male and female) have also changed their names for the same reason. Are we all 'wrong', or just the women?

It is outdated and wrong for a woman to drop her own name on marriage because of the huge gender discrepancy involved. If just as many men changed their names on marriage as women, then it wouldn't be an issue.

But I do know a large number of women who haven't changed their name on marriage, certainly amongst the people I know it's pretty normal to keep your name.

It may not be normal - now - but when people were taught how to address letters at school, it was normal then.

As the government never invited loads of people to the post compulsory 40s/50s/60s/70s/80s education catch up class on how to address an envelope lesson, they just do what they were taught unless put right. Can you imagine? The utter bastards.