To expect wedding cards to the both of us not to be solely addressed (by the looks of it) to my new dh?

[treacleturkey]

That's it, really. We got married a couple of months ago, very few guests, and are still receiving cards from well-wishers - which is really nice of them.

So why does it annoy me SOOOOO much that the cards are addressed to 'Mr and Mrs (his initial) HIS Surname'?

I've kept my surname (why would anyone change theirs in this day and age?) and, surprise surprise, my own initial! So why are our cards mostly addressed to DH??? GGrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

YANBU. At all.

(though what would I know, being one of those shameless cohabitors with children out of wedlock WHO DON'T HAVE THE SAME SURNAME AS ME)

And I hope you're suitably ashamed, leedy

making out that it's an independent and freely taken personal choice in the context of centuries of social norms... not so sure about that.

Because of this statement that you made and your insistence that unless I tell you the reason, my contribution to the discussion isn't worth making. Forgive me if I misinterpreted your comments, but phrases such as 'making out' suggest that you don't believe that it was 'an independent and freely taken personal choice.'

If the woman WANTS to take her husbands name, that is hardly "outdated and wrong". It is, in fact "her decision to make".

It would only be some sort of outrage if she was forced into it, and if that's the case the relationship probably has bigger issues.

MorrisZapp yes my campaign was just for E&W - I am aware of the sensible Scottish approach.

Btw for people saying it is trivial it is an example of #everydaysexism - I have no problem with people changing their names on marriage - after all I did - but I think it is important to know the history.

Anyone reading this who doesn't know what the Married Woman's Property Act was - I really recommend you look into it and see what women had to campaign for.

"This refusal to name-change is a little short-sighted. If you have children, whose name will they have?"

Firstly, welcome to 2015, zfactor.

Secondly, to answer your question from a personal perspective, my children have my name. What did you think they had? The name of the woman in the post office?

Yes you did misinterpret my comments. You seem to have overlooked the ASIDE in the first part of that sentence (again).

I'm talking about women who, unfortunate/unpalatable/legal/child protection reasons aside, take their husband's surname on marriage - i.e. the vast majority of women who change their name. That's not a choice that can be dissociated from the pervading social norms around gender roles which are only beginning to be broken down. Hope that's more clear.

I'm not married, my son has my partner's surname. It is of precisely zero consequence.

It doesn't matter whether someone changes their name on marriage.

It is however normal to call someone by their name. Not to persist with previous name if they choose to change it. Or to use someone else's name if they have not adopted it.

I am not ignoring your 'aside', just saying that my reasons do not fit in with your original stated 'exceptions' although your expanded list in your most recent post comes a little closer, so perhaps you would approve of my reasoning after all.

The surname never bothered me - the sole use of his name, with me just a tacked on Mrs, really did and does.

I almost thought you had a point until you posted about posting again tonight. How fucking patronising? Obviously the only people around in the day are women ironing their husband's shirts....

"I was taught at school that the correct way to address an envelope to a married couple is mr and mrs his initial and surname."

Your teacher got that wrong. You only use the initial to distinguish between siblings when confusion is possible at same address (lots of examples in Jane Austen: eg Knightley brothers or Bennett sisters).

To be honest I've never bothered to ask what a newly married couple will be known as. If we are going to the wedding, then I'll be friends with one or both of them, so it would be very unlikely that I'd ever call them ms/mr/mrs whatever. I'd just put anything. It's hardly the crime of the century. I think there's plenty of injustices in the world, but no one will die over an incorrect address.

Women have the choice to change their name or not. Men also have this choice at any time but generally, most people do not change their names because they do not know that they have the choice. They do not know that it is not The Law that women should change their names on marriage. I know one man who changed his name on marriage to his new wife's name. I think he had something to hide, frankly.

Yes, Mumsnetters know that women do not have to change names on marriage but there are so many out there who do not know.

They are addressed to you too, what you're describing is normal, you see traditionally the newly wedded couple are referred to as Mr and Mrs (husbands surname). I think that's obviously what has happened here.

My mother knows about this sort of nonsense. She once told me that the envelope should be adressed to the wife and that the invite addressed to the husband (and wife).

I work in the same organisation as my husband, it's great not having the same name, leads to all sorts of awkward situations as notes are passed at meetings - 'stop bitching about x, that's her husband...'.

I don't have a problem with people making a choice to change their name, but as this is AIBU - I will say I do have a problem with people doing it unthinkingly as its not written in stone anywhere - it's a cultural norm (that's changing) and people should think before they get rid of a bit of their identity. Especially when men so rarely do...

Malice yup, your DM is right about that convention.

And married couples where names have changed are traditionally Mr and Mrs HisName. But using his initial for both has always grated on me as a thing.

I felt exactly the same way as you OP. My husband actually mentioned in his speech at the wedding that I wasn't taking his name, kept my name on Facebook, email etc… and still we get mail (Christmas cards etc.) addressed to us from friends and family saying "Mr and Mrs + his initial + his surname". I light-heartedly raised this with (lovely) MIL and she said "oh I never know what to put"… as said by another poster, "I just put 'Janet and Roy' on envelopes, it's not tricky."

I can't believe this thread is still running. OP asks to have her wishes respected and how society treats women's names after marriage then goes on to post that raising this question in the afternoon in MN was a bad idea, insinuating women in the afternoon are somehow lesser beings - which she still hasn't apologised about.

If you are such a hypocrite in RL about feminist issues OP, maybe this could be a reason everyone wanted to piss you off with your wedding cards? Just saying.

YANBU OP, especially since you specified that you were keeping it! Although I do think your 'I knew I should have posted this in the evening' comment was a bit off.....

I didn't change my name, and step-MIL has always congratulated me on this as she didn't change hers either. However, she recently sent us a card addressed to 'The DHsurname family'. Not sure if I've done something to offend her!!

OP is probably a man who thought he’d let the little women bicker about something trivial, so that he could get on with the Important Stuff.

Women, whether they call themselves feminists or not, do themselves no favours with this sort of discussion - there are bigger issues out there.

I suspect most of the women here (and elsewhere for that matter, if they’ve been educated at all) do understand the historical context of taking the man’s name, but some have their own historical context of having had to deal with much more serious examples of ‘everyday sexism’ (circa 1970) which means they cannot get irate over minor matters that are of no consequence, and have little patience with modern-day ‘feminists’ who have no idea what it’s like to experience outright blatant sexism every day, everywhere.

I’m now off to make myself look nice for hubby when he comes home from a hard day in the office. OP I’m sorry I won’t be able to see your evening update as I’ll be busy in the bedroom.

What did the note say?

I'm sorry but I would find it hilarious if I got a wedding invite telling me how to address the bride.