To expect wedding cards to the both of us not to be solely addressed (by the looks of it) to my new dh?

[treacleturkey]

That's it, really. We got married a couple of months ago, very few guests, and are still receiving cards from well-wishers - which is really nice of them.

So why does it annoy me SOOOOO much that the cards are addressed to 'Mr and Mrs (his initial) HIS Surname'?

I've kept my surname (why would anyone change theirs in this day and age?) and, surprise surprise, my own initial! So why are our cards mostly addressed to DH??? GGrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

But why assume?

Because they are already taking time out to write, address and post a card, so perhaps they didn't have time to call you up and ask how you would like to be addressed?

Because they went for one of the options available and assumed that, as they are presumably your friends and loved ones, you would forgive them if they got it wrong, rather than getting annoyed and taking offence?

You know these people - are they more likely to be guilty of an accidental oversight or a deliberate attempt to slight you?

Its not outdated.....because most people do it.

Also saying 'i am very appreciative of the card, but I am not happy about it because....' Isn't appreciate.

I get cards with my name spelt wrong by my own family. My first name that I have had for over 30 years, that doesn't bother me either.

Well I for one can't wait to take my DPs surname when (if) we get married and if that makes me old fashioned then so be it. I agree with a pp though, that if you've told people you kept your own name then I can understand it being annoying.

You can have manners and be annoyed at the same time. Manners dictate that you are grateful for receiving cards and thank people for them, while politely informing them that your name has not changed. No harm in feeling cross and letting off steam anonymously on here about the persistence of sexist traditions though. If no one ever felt strongly enough to have a bit of a rant nothing would ever change.

It is incredibly outdated and sexist way of addressing a couple - that is using his initial (not as outdated as addressing you as Mrs hisINitial HisSurname - that really riles me).

However its a bit of a societal norm which is probably only slowly changing as people get less obsessed with manners and younger people won't care.

It would be nice if they'd got in touch and said, 'what name are you using so I can send a card' - but they didn't they just went with the norm.

It's lovely they sent a card, let them know you've kept your name and be completely prepared for the fact that people will forget (its important to you not them) or be deliberately obtuse (my family for some reason).

I kept my name - why wouldn't I - it's my name - but try not to get too riled when people assume I haven't. When my husband gets called my name though when I've booked something he shrugs.

zfactor, really? You can't see the benefits or attractions of marriage if a woman doesn't take the man's name?

It is not trivial. My name is a huge part of my identity and any pressure to change it is entirely wrong in my view. It does get my goat that name changing is all the rage even in my liberal pocket of the world. I don't want my son growing up thinking that men's names are for life but that women's are transient.

We did put a note in the invitations!

And it's the use of his initial which drive me to the brink! I'm not allowed my own initial any more, either?

NB. Our kids have my surname too.

Hmm edited to say that its the using his initial that's really outdated. I fully realise that a lot of women will change names on marriage.

YABU...I have kept my maiden name, bought my own house, run my own business, fly a plane - loads of things; but it does not bother me at all to receive cards addressed as Mr & Mrs. I'm secure enough in myself not to be remotely bothered by this.

OP: AIBU?
90% of responses: YES!
OP: NO I'M NOT. I'm going to post somewhere where I know that everyone will agree with me.

The thing is, real life just doesn't have all people agreeing with you/thinking in the same way as you all of the time. It's all very well to have a bit of a moan about how marriage and its traditions imposes constraints on you as a feminist - that's fine. But for most people stuff like that just isn't that important.

I never changed my name on marriage. I don't see why there's any inherent problem about DC names (I must have missed the memo that double-barrelling was compulsory).

I do agree that it's a cultural thing though. And if you live in a diverse community, you are less likely to assume that your traditions apply to anyone else.

And yes, I would ask whether someone is changing their name, because I think it's nice to address someone by what their name is, not what I think it should be.

Vacant, I can't get over how much your post has depressed me. To the core.

Some things really are just not worth getting worked up about. Most women take their husbands name when they get married, yes, even in "this day and age" - whatever the hell that has to do with a tradition that most people view as being rather nice and nothing more. You know, the whole becoming a family thing?

So, given that most women ohmygod still do this, it is correct to address a card to mr and mrs, rather than mr x and mrs ungratefulpants.

It's a nice gesture and a simple mistake, not a direct insult. Get over yourself.

Treacle, am not even going to read further because these threads never fail to astonish and depress me with the extent to which some women collude in their own oppression. I do not know anyone in real life who uses her husband's name, so am doubly baffled by the attitudes on here.

You're not unreasonable to be annoyed. Just keep gently but firmly telling people that you haven't vanished into your husband, that whatever outdated etiquette guide they're following should get an update to 2015, and maybe gradually they'll realise the insulting ness of what they're assuming.

Sorry Treacle, but get used to it now. I've been married for nearly 10 years now and people still address me as my husbands name on cards. My husbands family even spell my first name wrong, so for the first year I thought they'd sent cards to another family member with a similar first name that I hadn't met yet.

YANBU.

I didn't change my name on marriage. And I'd be beyond pissed off if I was referred to as Mrs DHInitial DHSurname.

Oppression. FFS.

are people not reading this properly?

it's not the fact it's addressed to mr & mrs dhsurname, it's that it's addressed to mr & mrs dhinitial dhsurname. like the op has ceased to exist.

mr & mrs sanqhar = fine
mr & mrs dhinitial sanquhar = not fine

mrs dhinitial sanquhar = raaaaaage!!!!

I'm

THANK YOU sanquhar - yes, that's the worst bit!!!

It's the (his initial) part I find shocking. Etiquette books really need to catch up with the real world on that one.

True, many women still take their husband's name so that mistake, while annoying and presumptive, is excusable straight after a wedding - I think a polite reply with clear separate signatures would be a reasonable response if they are people you otherwise love and respect. It seems that MNers have very different experiences but in my social circle, it is equally common to keep separate names, both take the man's or woman's surname, double-barrel or choose a new family name. I hope this will become the norm for everyone before long.

'Consider this - a number of my friends in same sex couples who are getting married later this year cannot wait to have the same surname with a legal marriage certificate and they (different friendship groups - they don't know each other) have decided that one of them will change their name to the other, and they haven't fought about it either.'

That's so incredibly depressing. I don't understand why people are in such a rush to lose an important part of their identity.

'We did put a note in the invitations'

Well in that case, you are not unreasonable at all. I was about to say that I could see both sides - most women do still change their names when/if they get married so people who sent you cards may have thought they were being polite. However, if you've been clear that its not the case for you,they should have bloody well listened to you!

This would drive me demented as well OP. But remember the comments from the highly original thinkers on this thread - you're being terribly 'short sighted' (and won't someone think of the children!!!!) and there are much more important things to be concerned about (FFS ). Maybe try to avoid any thinking at all in the future eh? It just upsets people

Sorry but unless you have specifically told them that you are keeping your name then YABU.

No-one in my family or wide circle of friends (which includes many highly educated, well-paid professional women of various professions) has kept their maiden name. I would have found it pretty odd if after we got married we had received cards from friends and family assuming I had kept my maiden name.

As an aside, when I was engaged in my 20s to exBF I did think I might keep my name but mostly because he had a really boring surname and mine was far better.

'are people not reading this properly?'

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