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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Another baby at a wedding thread.

171 replies

MetallicInk · 24/03/2015 10:07

Aibu to not want to decide what I want to do with two week (possibly one week) old baby at a wedding this winter until closer to the time. Am currently being told to get a babysitter for the reception as it's not a place for young babies (despite couples own 2 and a half month old being there) but I don't know how I'll feel about giving away my nb to someone to look after overnight so early on.

OP posts:

landrover · 24/03/2015 21:02

Hang on, in Broadchurch, the mum gave birth and was in court the next day? See, its easy!!

Joking!!!!!!!!

I can remember mostly feeling weepy for a few weeks, terrified that my baby would die!!

CalleighDoodle · 24/03/2015 21:08

I didnt leave my house for two weeks after i gave birth to my first. home birth. Didnt even need to come home from hospital. Literally did not leave the house.

Buttercupsandaisies · 24/03/2015 21:17

I don't see a huge issues with going to a wedding if you feel well. Obviously not everyone is upto it but plenty of people are and you may enjoy it.

I felt great after dd1, only bled about 5 days and also went to a wedding exactly two weeks after her birth, staying from noon until about 9pm in the end! Dd didn't come but slept most of the day with Mil so wouldn't have noticed me being there. Of course I missed her terribly but it was a close family member on my side and it's only one day and weddings are special. I have the rest of my life to spend with dd and felt a few hours apart for such an important day was acceptable.

However I definitely do not think you should be bridesmaid. It's totally different to being a guest and if you don't realise that then maybe that is why the bridge and groom have suggest a babysitter!

As a guest you can come and go and your baby can fit in pretty easily. As a member of the wedding party, you will be expected to be on duty until pretty much the evening. It's not fair to take on the role and then not full fill it. This means helping the bride get ready, having photos in the house or hotel, being up front at church, sticking around for the entire set of photos as opposed to just friends and guest ones. Also you'll be on the top table all throughout the reception. Who will mind the baby during the day if you both have key roles?

Actually I think that's part of the issue. You and your dh both have major roles in the wedding but neither is likely to give 100% with a baby there plus I understand if they dont want a baby on a pram on the top table! It's different when its your own but it's their day and understandably they'll want their key figures to help them out. Weddings are stressful.

Your dh should def go and don't think there's any issue with him being best man for his brother. I really think you should go as the guest then you can slip away early if needs be or nip out to settle and feed baby.

At least one of you can be there for them properly on the day. Of course you may be fine and enjoy it but I think it's very unfair on the bride and groom to pull out as a bridesmaid last minute.

Also if you are not feeling upto it at all, at least one of you will be there.

Dragonfly71 · 24/03/2015 21:18

OP you are being very patient about all this helpful advice.
Listen folks, OP had said she will play it by ear at time. She might pop out the most placid easy baby. We don't know and neither does she so she is going to play it by ear.
It's a small family event not Hello's next feature so it's probably ok if she just PLAYS IT BY EAR. ( oh sorry think I already mentioned that)

Buttercupsandaisies · 24/03/2015 21:21

I must add though that not everyone feels bad after birth and many recover perfectly well regardless of the scare stories on mums net! After dd2 we were out feeding the ducks within 7 hours with dd1! I felt brilliant and was on a total high. However you don't know how you will feel which is why you can't surely commit to bridesmaid duties at this stage.

DoJo · 24/03/2015 21:42

I'm a bit worried about the bride too tbh - at two and a half months post partum, I was still uncomfortable sitting down due to a poorly healed episiotomy, so although this may not be her first, having been through all that, I would NEVER count on being able to enjoy my own wedding that soon after giving birth!

notquiteruralbliss · 25/03/2015 01:03

I can't see why the OP shouldn't be able to do the wedding as long as her baby has arrived and she and the baby are both well. I know you cannot predict how you will be after a birth but I was generally out and about the same day and would certainly have been happy to be a bridesmaid a week or so later as long as my baby was nearby which is ( I think) what has been proposed.

Original poster

MetallicInk · 25/03/2015 02:43

Thank you dragonfly

OP posts:

FishWithABicycle · 25/03/2015 03:26

Given that the b&g are now being a bit more reasonable about your baby being there, it's possible you may be ok. I chose to go to church when my pfb was 6 days old - but that was entirely on a whim because I wanted to.

My advice would be to invest in a fabulous fabric sling in a beautiful fabric that matches the wedding colours. I had a gorgeous satiny-feel one that I could wear over a simple dress and it looked like an integrated stylish outfit. It's just 600cm ish of fabric that needs a slight stretch to it, so you can buy from a fabric store rather than purchasing it as a sling - there are loads of online videos for how to tie one. In a sling your baby will be happy to sleep most of the time. You can re-position him/her to bf within the sling when needed, and when someone else is holding her/him you'll still look great wearing the sling as part of your outfit.

StarOnTheTree · 25/03/2015 06:51

I had horrendous HG in each of my pregnancies so I felt fantastic after having each of my babies and I could easily have managed a wedding after a week. Breastfeeding was straightforward and the babies were happy as long as they were in someone's arms so they could easily have done a wedding at a week old too. I went out with DD2 after 7 hours and I was walking the mile and a half school run when DD3 was 4 days old. So you could be absolutely fine OP.

My best friend came to my wedding with her 8 day old baby and 21 month old and managed the 6 hour each way journey to stay the weekend.

StarOnTheTree · 25/03/2015 06:52

Oh, forgot to say that my best friend was my MOH

Silvercatowner · 25/03/2015 07:06

For two weeks after the birth of my baby I wasn't able to:

stand up straight (stitches)
walk without copious blood loss that a ST couldn't contain
manage without painkillers
wear anything that wasn't tent-like (and was kind to blood stains on the back)
put babe on boob without tears, pain, and privacy
go for more than 2 hours without breaking down in tears because I thought I wasn't coping.

I loved it. Go to a wedding during that time? *Hysterical laughter - OP you have NO clue!!!!

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 25/03/2015 07:11

please come back and update OP I really want to know how it'll pan out!

Flowergirlmum · 25/03/2015 07:15

Realistically you're likely to be in no fit state to be anywhere near it! If you're bfeeding then you'll be doing it most of the day at that age (any semblance of routine comes much later). You absolutely won't want to be wearing a bridesmaid dress- you'll need to be wearing a suitable top.
Leaving a tiny baby is madness. Take him/her with you or don't go.
Personally I hate this no children at weddings thing. To me weddings are all about family- which absolutely includes children. I would turn down an invitation to a wedding if my 8 year old wasn't allowed- let alone a baby! When you have kids, you come as a package. All or nothing. Good on your dh for having that view.

Welshwabbit · 25/03/2015 07:17

OP I went to my best friend from university's wedding in January with my 3 week old. I was a bridesmaid and the wedding was a 6 hour train journey away. I had a lovely time despite being massively sleep - deprived. It was my second baby (my elder son stayed at home with my parents as only very newborns were invited) and I had a straightforward birth so I was lucky but it was do - able. I think that as you have made clear to the bride and groom that you will have to play it by ear and they seem to be ok with it, you are not being unreasonable in sticking to the plan to be a bridesmaid.

A few things that might be helpful from my experience.

My friend (the bride) was really understanding and did her utmost to make things easy for me. I was able to choose a breastfeeding - compatible dress in a co - ordinating colour with the other bridesmaids' dresses. I got mine from a website called Love Milk - see if SIL would be happy for you to do something similar. The dress was jersey material so nice and stretchy to fit my post baby belly!

My baby was not generally happy if not being cuddled for the first few weeks of life. We actually got lucky that he stayed asleep in the pram for the ceremony but otherwise my husband was going to look after him. I'd advise a back up plan for the ceremony rather than just having your MIL keep an eye as someone may have to pick the baby up and take him out and your MIL won't want to leave the wedding.

I think you're being very sensible about it and far more together than I would have been with my first!

chocnomorechoc · 25/03/2015 07:21

You don't know when your baby will be born (both of my DC were born 2 weeks after the due date). I was stiched up (a lot), could not sit nor walk properly for the first weeks. You know that you will bleed for a few weeks after birth? fancy that in a bridesmaid dress?

I would pull out of the BM role now rather than at the last minute - at least it gives tbe B&G time to recruit a replacement in time and leave the attendance question open.

but no way I would commit to a BM role in your situation. To even think about that is bonkers

pinkr · 25/03/2015 09:18

I was my sisters bridesmaid. Dd was due exactly four weeks before and I was induced a few days after my due date due to medical reasons. Ended up with a section. Was bridesmaid with no real responsibilities...Other than standing at the cathedral.
I was expressly breastfeeding but we had the use of rooms at the hotel and I just disappeared at the right times...I've no problem feeding in public even at that time but the dress didn't allow it!
One problem was at that stage the weight was literally falling off me and i had my dress fitting a week before and had to go back for an emergency fitting the day before because it would've fallen down! I was slimmer that stage than before I was pregnant!
My dd didn't leave my side the whole day and no one other than my sister and step mum held her as I didn't want her passed from pillar to post all day especially as she'd been ill with reflux.
All in all it was a knackering day but I'm glad I was there. But. And this is a big but...If dd had only been two weeks old I couldn't have gone asi could barely walk from the car to the house and was hard to get out of bed. Two weeks later I was able to gently be part of the first dance with the best man

WhineWhineWINE · 25/03/2015 09:29

I think in your shoes I would be stepping down as bridesmaid and making it clear that your presence at the wedding, with or without the baby, will be entirely dependent on how you feel when the time comes. Yours and your baby's welfare is more important than a wedding, regardless of who's wedding it is. If they insist that the baby isn't welcome, then just decline now. New mums are entitled to be a little selfish!

littlejohnnydory · 25/03/2015 10:16

Definitely bow out of bridesmaid role. There's no guarantee you'll make the wedding. Presumably your dh won't make it either if you're in labour! I think playing it by ear is fine. I climbed a mountain 10 days after one of mine was born. 10 days after another, I nearly fainted just walking round the supermarket. You don't know how you'll feel. I was bridesmaid with a 12 week old and it was a nightmare.

littlejohnnydory · 25/03/2015 10:19

And back to the subject of the op, you definitely can't be expected to 'get a babysitter'!

Kewcumber · 25/03/2015 10:37

I would also advise that you wait until the bride in question has her baby then two weeks later explain that this is the likely point at which you will be being her bridesmaid, just so she appreciates really how big a "wait and see" it really is.

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