Another baby at a wedding thread.

[MetallicInk]

Aibu to not want to decide what I want to do with two week (possibly one week) old baby at a wedding this winter until closer to the time. Am currently being told to get a babysitter for the reception as it's not a place for young babies (despite couples own 2 and a half month old being there) but I don't know how I'll feel about giving away my nb to someone to look after overnight so early on.

They all sound about 16 tbh, and I'd like to know how the B&G manage when their own baby arrives 2 months before the wedding.

This sounds like a bonkers, bonkers plan tbh.

By all means go for a little while if you feel up to it OP. But it doesn't sound like you've thought through the logistics of juggling bridesmaid duties with ...

a) a painful/leaking/weak/weight fluctuating postpartum body and
b) the demands of bf a very tiny baby

Decaf, I realised that but who did the OP think would have the baby while she was beinga BM and her DH the BM?

I took dd to a wedding when she was only three weeks old because it was a very close family friend. She left it to me to decide though and we only really decided at the last minute as I had had an emcs in the end.
It was fine and I am glad I went - dd slept mostly and was passed around for cuddles. We left at about 8pm and stayed in a hotel.
I say decide nearer the time. You probably won't feel like staying up late anyway.

she said her mum would have the baby.

I don't really see why someone would need to look after while I am bm and dh is best man. My mil will be keeping an eye on it while we are standing at the alter but it isn't a long ceremony and the baby will be there in the front row.

And after that my part is pretty much done.

And pinky not 16. Just looking for some friendly advice as it will be my pfb

The brilliant thing about tiny newborns is their ability to sleep through any noise once they fall asleep, and that a feed usually sends them back to sleep again.

I really think practically wise LO would sleep in a bassinet on the pram quite happily through the evening.

Tis possible that being in a quiet environment without mum would make sleeping harder.

I on the other hand couldn't sit on a dining chair or similar for more than 30 mins for at least 3 weeks!

Our third baby wouldn't be put down for the first six months without screaming. Her sitting/sleeping quietly in a pram would have been out of the question at that age- still is more often than not.

Do yourself a favour and have a Plan B in case your two week old baby won't play ball

It seems to me that the overwhelming advice on here is not to commit yourself to being a bridesmaid.

While some people think they would be (or were) capable of being a guest at a wedding with such a small baby, the vast majority have pointed to the discomfort/pain, tiredness, leaking aspects of the few weeks immediately after giving birth. When my DS (fb) was born I was completely surprised by how hard I found it; DD was easier because I knew what to expect.

It's obviously your decision, OP, but I would strongly recommend bowing out of the bridesmaid role, and playing the rest by ear.

I went to a wedding with a 1 week old.

Just sat through the ceremony with baby sleeping in car seat though then went home.

You really aren't for for more at that stage!

And I had a vv easy birth.

You'll be boobs out most of the day. When not you'll have breast pads in which may themselves leak! Wearing huge maternity pads which may also leak- no wings on those things! So you will need clothes that accommodate this. You will be going to the toilet frequently. It may still hurt to pee.

If you have a c section you won't be able to do some things.

It will all be new to you so you won't have the hang of 1 knee nappy changes by then.

Also I wouldn't want to expose a neonate (cord might still be attached!) to all those germs!

Plus you'll have had no sleep for a week.

Seriously decline now apart from maybe a brief pop in to say hello.

I am actually speechless at what appears to be your sheer lack of engagement with the realities as described by so many mums here.

the reason I said your mum might need to support you after the birth is that you are likely to be exhausted, sleep-deprived, sore, starving with hunger if you are BF and have a hungry baby, getting no more than 2 hours sleep at once, and sore from stitches- and you may feel very weak if for example you lose a lot of blood.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but after pages of posts you don't appear to have cottoned on to anything anyone has said.

Your baby is not a doll who will lie 'in the front row' of the venue and sleep to order. They are likely to poo, scream, be sick and maybe all 3 at once during what is supposed to be a solemn exchange of lifelong vows.

On the other hand some tiny babies are so sleepy after the birth that all they do is sleep and feed for a few days.

Have you had much experience of newborns through friends or family? Have you thought about the reality of an episiotomy, stitches and all the other stuff that some women have?

I really think practically wise LO would sleep in a bassinet on the pram quite happily through the evening.

Do you mean right through the evening sorry? Not a chance of that happening at that age in our case. Cluster feeding, colic and screaming were the norm for us in the evenings till DD was a few weeks old. I was told that, as we were trying to EBF, she would need to be fed every 2 hours or thereabouts (day and night). My DD is one of the "easier" babies among her peers. She was much worse in the evenings and that was a common theme among her peers too...

Bit harsh pinkfrocks eh? Most of us don't have a clue until it happens to us.

OP I sympathise. I'd say the combination of first pregnancy and family wedding politics are enough to make anyone need a lie-down.

I do think if you were to say a straight No to being the BM now, you'd feel a great deal better. Then refuse to discuss it any further.

And remember that weddings have to capacity to make even the nicest, most rational people behave very bizarrely indeed.

I find it amusing that OP you think baby will just be there in the front row and will be grand. They say that new babies can be very sleepy and sleep lots. In my experience that wasn't the case - in fact I wonder if that is more to do with the fact that the baby is formula fed as formula fills them up quicker. With breastfed babies, they digest the milk a lot quicker so they need to feed far more frequently. My baby was pretty much attached to me most of the time in the early weeks and would feed / sleep / repeat. Sometimes the minute I put baby into the bedside crib, baby would be wide awake again and v upset. There is no way I would have brought my baby to a wedding ceremony and expect them to just keep quiet during the ceremony.

And we haven't even gotten to the nappies yet. What's your plan of action if the baby has a massive explosive poo during the ceremony? Where is your mum gonna change baby? Breastfed babies have runny poo- it goes everywhere. It's just not a suitable place for a newborn. A wedding is completely unnecessary.

Assuming the ceremony is 30 min to 1 hour, that time is VERY long to a newborn baby being out in a cold church full of people, noise, etc. It's gonna be a scary place for them.

By all means, go ahead and be bridesmaid but I can guarantee you will regret it.

Oh and on the whole postpartum body thing, another thing to consider is that you may be a bit incontinent after the birth for a few days / weeks until your pelvic floor recovers. The last thing you wanna be doing so soon after giving birth is being in a location with no close by toilet in case of emergency.

Metallic ... I really hope it all goes swimmingly and that you and your baby are both able to attend this wedding and enjoy it.

There's no law stating you can't be a bridesmaid and several of us have simply tried to caution you because we're worried that the potential 'demands' often associated with such a role could actually put a lot of unnecessary and unpleasant pressure on you given you'll have given birth so recently.

If the bride is completely relaxed about the day - and about you being a bridesmaid in particular - and is genuinely understanding of the fact that you might not be able to be in the 'right' places at all the 'right' times then fair enough. If you're confident you can find something to wear which you'll feel comfortable and attractive in then fair enough as well ..... again though the bride would need to understand that her idea of a dress code might have to be abandoned to accommodate you as a very new mum. That's all .... I just hate the thought of you getting very upset if, on the day, with the best will in the world, it's not possible to do what might be expected of you as bridesmaid and bad feeling ensues if you're criticised, or end up pushing yourself too much.

I did apologise in advance for being a bit harsh TheresaMay but I am really genuinely puzzled at how the OP seems not to engage with any advice here. I am beginning to wonder if this is a wind-up or a 'what if I become PG' even. The OP mentioned a winter baby so that would be November at the earliest surely- which would mean she was only just PG now. I'm not sure this is all it seems to be so no more comments from me.

I know and 'mil will keep an eye on it' whilst they are doing the ceremonial stuff.

Good luck with it Op you actually sound as if you looking forward to being a BM.

Maybe I'm just jealous of those that seem to just get on with it

I have engaged with all advice given and have already said we are going to have a back up plan if we can't be there (me dh and nb)

We are going to plan for the worst but hope for the best

Thank you to the ladies who offered helpful advice and comments. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't being a bit precious

What a lovely picture we are all painting of post-partum life

But seriously OP - listen to the voices of experience on this thread and take on board just how impractical your plans are.

When my DS was a week old I barely had the energy to get dressed, I was shattered, drained and crying all the time just due to the shock to my system that was motherhood. Baby was at the breast at least 90% of his waking time and for the remaining 10% they were leaking. When my milk came in at day 4 my breasts absolutely ballooned in size, they were rock hard and absolute agony to touch. In fact I spent a lot of the time sitting around topless because even having fabric on them was painful. So if you do go ahead bear that in mind if your dress is quite tight fitting against the chest.

I didn't leave that house until about 4 weeks after the birth and I recall that being a huge effort and all I did was go to the corner shop.

Prior to having DS I probably would have read all these replies, rolled my eyes and thought that everyone was being a drama queen and that in reality things wouldn't be anywhere near as bad as is being portrayed, but believe me OP, it IS

I would definitely pull out of being a bridesmaid. Especially if you are expected to wear a posh frock

The first few weeks post partum are not pretty.

As everyone else has said, at 1 week we were only just out of hospital due to me haemorrhaging after the birth. I was still unable to walk very far, couldn't feel much down below and was trying to establish feeding. Don't under estimate how long it takes to establish bf. You just sit there's with your boobs out. And then there's cluster feeding. I can't tell you how exhausting it is, plus you're up all night feeding. We went to a wedding when DS was 4 weeks old. Couldn't have done it any younger.

I'm appalled that someone thinks it appropriate to tell you to get a babysitter at 1-2 weeks. Unbelievably clueless.

I think they are being really quite unreasonable to expect you to leave a baby that might only be days old! I do understand the principle of the B&G being able to set the rules, but SUCH a newborn baby...! I agree with all the posters here who said they wouldn't have been able to leave a newborn baby at that stage - I wouldn't have either. You don't know what you're doing with your first - they don't have a feeding rhythm, you don't know if they'll take a bottle, they may have feeding issues. And that's just the baby! My births went really smoothly and I was just about able to get around after a week or so - but my friends with stitches generally needed 2-3 weeks recovery time before they were mobile or could sit comfortably. I had a lot of problems with my milk coming in, huge, hot, atomic breasts that were just agony for a day or two - I couldn't fit into any bras at all. Once it did come in, I had to learn how to deal with milk leaking everywhere and occasionally spraying people nearby. I really think the most you can offer is to say you would love to come with the baby, if it's born by then and you're feeling up to it - but leaving the baby behind would be very tricky, and it may be that you're not able to be there yourself. It's not your fault! They probably couldn't have foreseen the due date and neither could you. (And considering that you might be actually in labour or being sewn back together after a C-Section on the day of the wedding anyway...would they be offended then if you didn't turn up???).
Sorry if that sounds harsh!

I was "encouraged" to go to a family wedding with a 3wk old baby. I'd had a pretty easy birth, 2wks overdue though. My mum was still adamant that I had to go.

I was sleep deprived, still bleeding and trying to get to grips with breastfeeding. The baby slept during the ceremony but after that I was pretty much feeding constantly. I made the meal but missed everything after that. I really didn't want to be there. I mean, I love going to weddings but not so soon after giving birth.

I genuinely wouldn't recommend taking a tiny baby anywhere near a wedding. It's not just the ceremony but photos, meal, will you have to closet the baby off in another room or can you even have the baby with you at any point?

I don't want to keep on about it, OP, but I do actually think that bowing out of the bridesmaid role will make it more likely that you can attend some of the wedding. You won't be able to plan for what's going to fit you a few weeks after birth, your bust and stomach will not be any size you're used to! You will want to wear something that is comfy and that you can get your boobs out in. You will probably want to pack at least one change of clothes for yourself for when if the baby pukes or shits on you. You probably want something darkish and not ovely expensive in case you bleed on it. None of this suits itself to any kind of bridesmaid outfit I've ever heard of, even if the bride tries hard to be accommodating.

And you will be very tired, and it will be quite enough effort to get in the shower that morning, let alone do bridal-party-type hair and makeup and all that jazz. And you will not be reliably available to the bride at all, because your baby will not be on a regular schedule and will need feeding a lot - you don't know when you'll be needed.

Just seems to me that you could manage all that so much more easily as a guest, whereas if faced with additional bridesmaid stuff it's more likely that you'll find you can't handle going at all.