Another baby at a wedding thread.

[MetallicInk]

Aibu to not want to decide what I want to do with two week (possibly one week) old baby at a wedding this winter until closer to the time. Am currently being told to get a babysitter for the reception as it's not a place for young babies (despite couples own 2 and a half month old being there) but I don't know how I'll feel about giving away my nb to someone to look after overnight so early on.

All I can say is haha to enjoying your day with more 'freedom'. It's clear they too have no idea of what it's like having a baby.

Also said that I will still be a bm for now ( don't really see the difference between a bm and a normal guest)
Think we are going to put this down to the brides own hormones going a bit mad

I think even with the least complicated birth possible the most feasible/best case option for all concerned would be not to have any special role, bring the baby if you are going to go at all, and if you do go be prepared to leg it when you and/or baby are no longer feeling up to the revelry. Anything else just sounds bonkers, IMO.

I am sitting here with a week old DS and had a CS, so I can give you my point of view! He is my 2nd and am EBF currently. I could probably manage to be at a wedding just now, providing DS was with me and I would need to be wearing something stretchy to be able to feed him in. He feeds every few hours and takes 40 mins - an hour to feed each time so 2 hours 'downtime' in between feeds where he needs nappies done then he sleeps. I consider him an easy baby and I have recovered fairly well. You might be different though. What I absolutely could not do at the moment is get into a BM dress or even be in the right frame of mind to carry out any duties. So you absolutely need to decline that role and if the Bride has children then she really should understand that

I'd probably pull out of the BM duties and DH out of the Bestman. There is no way you are going to be up for a wedding day so soon after the birth and (unless you are having elected csec) you can't even guarantee it will be there (and then the BM dress simply wont fit)

You need to decline the bm role. Tell them you probably won't make it as a guest either. And, ffs, stand up for yourself!!! Given that this is your BIL they should be especially understanding, not the other way around.

"they thought we would enjoy our day more if we had some freedom"

Clearly said by someone who has never had a newborn/just given birth. "You can just leave them with someone for the day and have some FUN!" eyeroll

Glad to hear they're being a bit more reasonable (though I still wouldn't even countenance "playing it by ear" re leaving your tiny baby for the whole thing/overnight), I still think agreeing to be a BM is crazy - obviously these are all worst case scenarios but what if you're still in hospital, or baby is in hospital? Will they need to just find another BM at the last minute? Or less dramatically what will they do if you're just feeling a bit wobbly? Or even if you/baby are fine and dandy, don't BMs have other things to do other than just stand up and be a witness at the ceremony? (I have never been a bridesmaid, but I have the impression it involves more than just being a normal guest who happens to stand up in a dress and sign stuff...).

I think they do know what it's like having a baby as OP said upthread they had 'more than one' if I've read it correctly. Hmmm to 'freedom' .... what about 'freedom' for the other guests then ?

Anyway .... glad you've spoken to them and they've seemingly backed down. As you say, best play it by ear if you can - obviously there's no rule to say you can't be BM, but unless it's an incredibly laid back do with no tasks expected of you in that role, being a BM does usually bring with it certain 'duties' .... like, for example, arranging bride's hen night (though that might be pushing it in this case), helping bride get ready on morning, being available for official photos, helping receive/arrange presents at reception, obviously accompanying bride up the aisle and looking after younger BMs (if applicable), stepping on to dancefloor with best man as '1st dance' draws to a close and all sorts of other silly things. There could be any number of duties you'll be expected to perform - with achey, leaky boobs, lots of trips to loo if still bleeding, baby demanding to be fed, you (potentially) feeling like death warmed up and so on. It really isn't the same as simply being a guest and my concern would be if you ended up under a lot of pressure to do the bride's bidding, and then her - or you - getting upset when you literally can't step up to the mark that easily.

I am intrigued though by the idea of what you'll wear. There's no way to anticipate your size post birth - dress size or bra size. So there's another pressure there.

No playing it by ear in regards to us being there. I have made it perfectly clear if I am there my child will be there.

There is a (small) chance that I will ask my dm to look after baby for a few hours at the reception but again will be up to me to decide rather than being told.

I didn't spend so long trying for this baby to give it away for someone else's convenience

I went to a wedding when my DS was 10 days old in my arms and my DH was best man. I had lots of people around to help and actually it went really smoothly. I was in hospital for 1 week so it was the 3rd day we were home. Left about 10pm as was knackered but glad we went as they are good friends of ours. If they had said no baby I would have gone but I wouldn't have been happy.

After 10 days all I could do was sit or sleep on anything soft and try not to pull my stitches.

I think both the bride and you are in for a shock tbh.

What are you going to do if the baby needs a feed when you're supposed to be walking down the aisle or having photos taken? They won't all be palmed off on a random- or even dad- with a bottle.

And what about the dress. Unless you're going to buy it the day before there's absolutely no way whatsoever of predicting what size you're going to be two weeks after giving birth.

But hey-ho, your funeral wedding

I think both the bride and you are in for a shock tbh.

What are you going to do if the baby needs a feed when you're supposed to be walking down the aisle or having photos taken? They won't all be palmed off on a random- or even dad- with a bottle.

And what about the dress. Unless you're going to buy it the day before there's absolutely no way whatsoever of predicting what size you're going to be two weeks after giving birth.

But hey-ho, your funeral wedding

I know it was luck that I managed it!

For dresses I would recommend Tiffany Rose - not directly off the website but eBay as half the price. They are stretchy, loose and boob accessible. I fed DS before we went in the church so he didn't need feeding whilst the ceremony was going on and he slept through pretty much everything else.

I am just sharing my experience of going to a wedding postpartum - I am not saying everyone can do it or has the same experience.

It isn rally about you prioritising what is more important - attending the wedding with child, attending the wedding without child or not attending the wedding at all.
They may be thinking a newborn may not tolerate the noise and hustle aNd bustle as well as slightly older babies and children.
Are they INSISTING you get a babysitter or recommending because you have already hinted that it could be problematic?
If they are insisting then for me it would be a no brainier - my child comes first and no way would I hand my child over. It is a crucial bonding time and you can't if EBF as babies feed on demand. If they are recommending it suggest that you go but someone else there 'looks after child' and hands him/her over when he/she needs feeding but warn them that you may leave earlier than others because YOU may not be in the best condition to participate in an all day/night party event.

I am glad to see they've listened OP.

BUT

I must add my voice to the others saying you should be wary of promising to still be a bride's maid at this wedding though, baby with you or not.

There are women who pop a baby out no trouble and are back in their skinny jeans a week later. Looking glam and traveling around with ease. Personally i have never met one.

The chances are you may still be bleeding quite heavily, bruised down there quite heavily, leaking milk at the mere thought of your baby crying, suffering from back pain and lack of sleep or any time to yourself, be weepy and hormonal, and, at 2/3 weeks post birth, still be heavier than post preg. and still look roughly 6 months pregnant.

All this is not going to sit well with being dressed in a posh dress, expected to follow an excited bride around all day, stand behind her at the ceremony, be on hand for photos every few minutes, and generally spend the day looking jolly.

Sorry for sounding a kill joy OP, but having had 4 DCs i know what it's like. I didn't even manage to get out of the house as far as Tesco for the first 2 weeks last time.

It's all so worth it though. After the first couple of months you will be yourself again :)

Thank you lightgreen. Fingers crossed it's achievable. If not then I will be at home with my nb.

It's not even a competition of what's more important to me if I can't go with the baby or if I don't feel up to it I will be in the house with my pjs on

You can't possibly go.

Yes, if you had an easy birth, found breastfeeding a doddle and were not boss-eyed from lack of sleep you could possibly manage up to an hour as long as the baby was with you. But otherwise no.

When DS was two weeks old I had to take him to visit my father in hospital. That was not an option as my father might have died (he actually survived a further three years). I was still bleeding and flabby round the tummy area, massively leaking breastmilk, and attempting to feed him every two hours. I managed it only because no one expected me to look even half-way human and my brother did all the driving and waited on me hand and foot.

The idea that I could have been a bridesmaid at that stage is absolutely laughable.

I think some people are ott insisting you wont evenbe able to go. Not everyone is completely ruined by childbirth. A week after my first I could easily have gone to a wedding with dc, hell I could nearly have run a marathon. After the second I couldnt have left the house. Everyone is different, op will decide for herself at the time.

The thing is tho' madreloco, she wont be able to decide 'at the time' weather or not to be a bride's maid.

I agree she may be one of the lucky ones who could manage a wedding at 1 or 2 weeks post birth ... but be a BM? It would be daft to promise that.

Going to the wedding with baby in tow may be fine.
Being a bridesmaid is much different i think. Tiny babies are not well known for their timing when it comes to needing feeding, etc. You can almost guarantee they'll want a feed at key moments like walking down the aisle, signing the register, the speeches at the top table and the likes

She will though, she has already told them she may or may not even be there. And why focus on the bm bit, afaik they dont climb mountains as part of the role? Its merely standing up at the front during the ceremony rather than sitting in the pews, and being in more photos?

Go to the wedding in your PJs.

DS would have been fine at a wedding and reception.
Me - Not so much. Mainly because I'd have found it an unnecessary stress when I'd not had enough sleep and was trying to get to grips with everything.

Expressing then not breastfeeding for the duration of the wedding would mess up your supply, and introducing baby to the bottle so early when bf is a very bad idea.

Well, expressing from an early age and introducing a bottle worked for me. The issue was more when do you express in between looking after a baby, never mind getting ready for a wedding. And you'll need to do it for a day or two before hand to make sure you have enough. The trouble is unless you are prepared to express, if you plan to breastfeed, then babysitting even for an hour or two realistically is a bit of a nonstarter at that age tbh. Even leaving a baby 5 minutes away when they start getting hungry and then who ever is baby sitting has to track you down... You can probably get away with an hour or two when they are a bit older, as you can roughly guestimate when they'll need feeding again, but at that age they'll have no routine or pattern yet.

As for bridesmaid duties. Its one thing to attend the wedding. Its another to take on the responsibility of bridesmaid duties. I do think you are being naïve/selfish in saying you will because the reality is, you will either end up neglecting those duties or end getting massively stressed out trying to do them whilst looking after a baby. Neither are particularly fair to the bride.

It might not be such an issue if your DH wasn't also doing something and could look after the baby, but since he is you are taking on too much. Saying you'll play it by ear doesn't really solve the issue. Just make a firm decision to go as a guest if you feel up to it.

Basically plan to do a minimum so everything you do manage is a bonus rather than a failing. (This is as much for your own mental well being as letting the bride down).

My sister in law came to our wedding with a 6 day old baby, as she really wanted to be there. But she was very tired and only stayed for the ceremony and part of the meal, then went back to the hotel with MIL. We were very grateful she was there, but wouldn't have dreamed of asking her to get a babysitter. I think YANBU and if the bride and groom can't be more accommodating, it might be best to decline.

People are focusing on the bridesmaid bit because it'd be a lot easier to make a mad dash out of the proceedings when not a bridesmaid. Highly unlikely she can run out in the middle of "I do" to try and get a screaming newborn on the boob.