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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another baby at a wedding thread.

171 replies

MetallicInk · 24/03/2015 10:07

Aibu to not want to decide what I want to do with two week (possibly one week) old baby at a wedding this winter until closer to the time. Am currently being told to get a babysitter for the reception as it's not a place for young babies (despite couples own 2 and a half month old being there) but I don't know how I'll feel about giving away my nb to someone to look after overnight so early on.

OP posts:
ConcreteElephant · 24/03/2015 10:24

You've agreed to be a bridesmaid when you'll have a one/two week old baby?!

Blimey. I wouldn't personally. You say not going isn't really an option - I can assure you that under the circumstances it absolutely is.

pinkfrocks · 24/03/2015 10:24

I missed by BIL wedding when DS was a month old- no way could I have travelled 600 miles by car to the venue. It was a simple decline- sorry, can't do this.

MissMuesli · 24/03/2015 10:24

I wonder if they worry that your beautiful tiny new baby will steal the show? Still not ok though!

DecaffTastesWeird · 24/03/2015 10:24

One week?! I'd say no chance!

pinkfrocks · 24/03/2015 10:27

OP- it's not really about them and what they want- it's about you and a baby who will be days old- or maybe not yet born. How for a start would you fit into a dress post delivery if the same dress might have to fit you at 40 weeks? That's just one thing to think about.
I am assuming this is your first because you seem to have no idea of the sheer exhaustion, discomfort and emotions that you will feel within the first few days or week- no, make that 20 years!

Not everyone does- some 16 year olds seem to bounce back fine- but most women need a lot of post-delivery care and TLC. That's perhaps why in the old days they stayed in hospital for 2 weeks- for rest and recovery and to get support when breast feeding.

Original poster
MetallicInk · 24/03/2015 10:27

Yeah first baby. Due date is beginning of the month and wedding is the end so if it goes on the day it should (yeah right) it could be anything up to three weeks but saying one or two just to be safe. Wedding is very local.
Dh is raging! Has said to see what gets said today and if he has to explain to his brother that if his baby isn't welcome then neither are we

OP posts:
Original poster
MetallicInk · 24/03/2015 10:28

Planning on bf but will be ebf so that's not a problem ( she says naively)

OP posts:
Original poster
MetallicInk · 24/03/2015 10:29

They do understand that if I am in labour or just had the baby then we won't be there but I do really want to go if possible. Just not at the expense of handing my baby over

OP posts:
Original poster
MetallicInk · 24/03/2015 10:30

That sounded very dramatic. It would be my mum if anyone was to babysit

OP posts:
LovesYoungDream · 24/03/2015 10:30

YADNBU, I wouldn't attend not to mention, leave our newborn so soon. You probably won't be emotionally ready to be leaving your baby behind/ with someone so soon after the birth imo. You may still be bleeding/have leaky boobs and be very sleep deprived.

ConcreteElephant · 24/03/2015 10:30

Seriously, you've been TTC for ages, you are relatively early days pregnant now I guess (?) - don't put yourself under this pressure for someone else's wedding - someone who isn't exactly showing care and consideration for you and yours.

Decline to be a BM, make it clear that you'll attend if you possibly can as a guest and will only be able to confirm much much nearer the time - if they need numbers now then tell them that unfortunately you'll have to say no to being a guest too. The B and G are being unreasonable.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 24/03/2015 10:31

Sadly it will be a problem. If BFing, baby pretty much needs to be on the boob for the first couple of months. Expressing just wont get your supply up to a decent level - and the amount you would need to express to leave baby fot a day just wont be possible that soon after birth (unless you are incredibly lucky and produce fountains of milk from birth).

NurseRoscoe · 24/03/2015 10:32

See in general with regards to children at weddings I understand people not wanting them there. Toddlers get bored and misbehave, the wedding couple don't want their guests to have to spend the whole time amusing them, provide extra/different food for them etc. But a 1-2 week old baby? That will probably sleep the majority of the time and can be carried out if he/she cries? I really don't see the issue and I wouldn't want to leave a baby that young with a babysitter.

nilbyname · 24/03/2015 10:32

You have to both decline on being bm and best man!

That shits crazy. Pull out pull out

AuntieStella · 24/03/2015 10:33

I think you should scrub being a bridesmaid. Then as you want to be there, attend the actual ceremony as a guest, and with your new baby. Stay for a little while afterwards if you feel up to mingling. Then leave.

And warn them that if you run late or have complications, you might have to cancel altogether. Make sure you have someone on standby to be with you (mother? sister? friend? doula?) in case you do want to stay at home and want support, as I think your DH shouldn't really cancel being his brother's best man.

TheOriginalWinkly · 24/03/2015 10:33

IF its very local AND you really want to go AND your baby arrives on time AND you have a straightforward birth AND you get breastfeeding well established then you could bring your baby to the ceremony, have someone you trust implicitly (your own parents?) take care of the baby during the meal, ideally in another room at the same venue then go home after eating. But that's a lot of conditions to be met, and you'll still be exhausted, possibly leaking and bleeding, and very likely with more belly than you're happy with.

cathpip · 24/03/2015 10:34

Good on your dh, your baby will probably be the best small child there! I would not be getting a babysitter for a 1/2 week old and quite frankly if the b and g don't like it tough, I'm sorry it's not one rule for one child and none for the others! I get the feeling that bride doesn't want to be upstaged by a newborn :). Oh and for info only my sister went to a wedding with 3 week old twins, she hated it but her dh was best man, every guest was very careful about not cooing over her twins incase it upset the bride. (Which it didn't)

Only1scoop · 24/03/2015 10:34

I've only just noticed you are a bm

Thought Dh was just BM

But it's you aswell.

Well as you say you want to go then try and arrange something for dd. Yes it's ridiculous that she's not invited but there's no way I'd personally lower myself to asking 'can I bring my newborn to your wedding'?

How ridiculous a situation

Hulababy · 24/03/2015 10:34

I just don't see how it is possible tbh.
Do they really think you could just leave a tiny newborn. They have a young baby - surely they know what it is like?!
I'd decline now and be done with it

Hulababy · 24/03/2015 10:36

Getting dressed up as a bride aid would have been my idea of hell at just a couple of weeks after giving birth! Mind, having had an unplanned c section I'm not sure how far up the aisle is have got either at times!

Hobby2014 · 24/03/2015 10:37

How long til the wedding? If it's far enough into future I would tell them now you can't be bm and won't be going. I think this is a good enough reason, especially as they aren't being very accommodating. I'd totally get if it was me getting married.

Writerwannabe83 · 24/03/2015 10:37

I wouldn't give a shit whose relatives wedding it was if I was being told to get a babysitter for my week old baby. WTF?!

That's disgusting.

Any normal, loving and caring relative would tell you absolutely that your place is with your newborn and if that means you won't be at the wedding then thats 100% fine.

LadyGregory · 24/03/2015 10:37

Metallic, this is a mad situation! Why on earth did you both agree to keep more than 'ordinary guest' roles in the wedding when you knew your due date? It would have made far more sense to pull out of attending entirely some time ago - of course not attending is an option! We missed two huge family occasions due to DS's birth! - but tbh, I would just take the pressure off and withdraw now.

My son was born by ELCS at 40 + 15, so at three weeks after my due date I was still shuffling about with an abdominal incision and with insuperable BF problems (having planned to ebf) which meant pumping every two hours and trying to stimulate supply with an elaborate supplemental nursing system that took ten minutes to put together before every feed. There was no way I was going anywhere. I could barely have told you my name!

Save yourself the stress and at least give the b and g (who sound blinkered, to put it charitably) a chance to find a new BM and BM.

lentilpot · 24/03/2015 10:37

Hmm... I could have dipped in and out of a wedding at two weeks post-delivery (with somewhere comfy and private to feed nearby), but definitely couldn't have left the baby for an evening. Possibly if my mum had been able to be in a hotel room upstairs I could have popped in and out.

At one week he would have screamed the place down (we were still getting to grips with feeding).

He was two weeks late and we were in and out of hospital for a week.

ConcreteElephant · 24/03/2015 10:38

Planning to breastfeed? Baby will probably be surgically attached to your breasts at that tiny age! You'll be establishing your supply and they'll be taking ages to feed as they are so little and still learning.

Honestly, you'll be wanting to lay on the sofa in comfy jimjams and just recover, get to know baby etc.

I know there are many women who do spring up and about quickly after birth, have an 'easy' baby etc but you never know if this will be you, and as it's your first I would err on the side of caution. Say no now and concentrate on yourself and your pregnancy. This has potential to rumble on if you don't take a firm stance.

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