Another baby at a wedding thread.

[MetallicInk]

Aibu to not want to decide what I want to do with two week (possibly one week) old baby at a wedding this winter until closer to the time. Am currently being told to get a babysitter for the reception as it's not a place for young babies (despite couples own 2 and a half month old being there) but I don't know how I'll feel about giving away my nb to someone to look after overnight so early on.

If you are planning to breastfeed (as you say you are) it just wouldn't be possible. Expressing then not breastfeeding for the duration of the wedding would mess up your supply, and introducing baby to the bottle so early when bf is a very bad idea.

You may well be in hospital being induced/unable to mobilise if you had a c section.

Don't go. Or only go if you are feeling well and can bring baby.

I am normally very pro- no children at wedding if that's what is asked, but in your case, b&b are being hugely unreasonable.

There are other children going to be there and your baby will be so tiny. Are they worried the newborn will get all the attention?

There's no way I'd go in these circumstances. It doesn't matter who's getting married. Mother and baby come first. I'm sure they have plenty of family and friends to celebrate with.

I am genuinely a-boggle at this. They can't demand your presence sans baby WHEN YOU HAVE LITERALLY JUST HAD A BABY (and three weeks old definitely still counts as "just had a baby"). If they need a definite commitment tell them you will be able to bring the baby, or not go at all.

DS1 was two weeks late and ended up being an emergency C-section (he really did not want to come out), so at three weeks after my due date I was just out of hospital and still a)bleeding b)leaking like a mofo (yay oversupply), c)felt like I'd been recently stitched back together, d) fashion-wise was still in elasticated-waist maternity leggings and trying to cope with my boobs changing size every two seconds, and e)had a very very new baby. There is NO WAY ON EARTH I'd have been leaving him with a babysitter to go to a wedding, even for a short time.

Also just in purely practical feeding terms, if you're planning to BF or express, leaving a baby that age for more than an hour or two will involve spending a lot of time with a breastpump, or risking really painful engorged breasts/mastitis/soaking through your clothes. You (sadly!) can't just switch your boobs off when you're not with the baby. Not to mention trying to get enough EBM together for baby to have while you're away, if baby won't be having formula instead.

Not going is absolutely an option.

I was always happy to be up and about as soon as, and would have been more than happy to get dressed up and go to a wedding..... but only with my baby.

Don't do it to yourself or your baby.

They are being mental, but weddings do that to people.

Whatever you agree now, you will end up making the decision last minute when you know what kind of birth you had, how feeding is going, and whether you feel like parting with your newborn for someone else's party. Having a row now is pointless because whatever you negotiate with them will be irrelevant once the baby actually arrives. Do your bridesmaid duties until the baby is born, then tell the world to fuck off, you have other priorities.

And congrats on your pregnancy btw!

So the b&g's baby is not born yet? They'll probably change their minds then (and apologise to you too!).

Here's the plan. Talk to bil and SIL thus:

'Im so happy you two are getting married and I'm really excited to come, but it would be best if I were just a normal guest.'

Then just stick to that. 'I don't know how it will be. It would be better if I were a normal guest. It would be better if I were a normal guest'. Etc etc.

Then just play it by ear on the day.

Hold firm. You're not being precious AT ALL so don't be told you are.

Well imo if they insist that baby can't come, then decline.

Are they afraid of being upstaged??

I had to very easy births, up & showering within half an hour, in theory could have gone the next day!

Wouldn't have left them at that age though.

Yeah I didn't mean exactly that not going isn't an option. What I meant was if I'm out of hospital I want to go.

I've explained to the b and g that I will play it by ear and the baby will be there if I am. If I decide to get my dm to look after it, it will be later on at night and it will be my decision to make at the time.

I've explained they'll need a back up in case we are in hospital

IME your first baby is such a massive shock to the system!

The first couple of weeks months passed in a total fog, I couldn't have imagined going to a wedding and leaving my baby with anyone after a week.

Plus you'll most likely be in the throws of the baby blues at 1 week.

It's quite likely to be a horrendous experience going to a wedding.

I really wouldn't.

I'm usually all for child free weddings if that's what B & G want etc., but almost every thread I've read on the topic makes an exception for newborn babies (if said baby's parents are wanted as guests) because it's generally recognised they're highly dependent, can't (easily) be left with someone else, don't run about or have tantrums and are therefore a special case.

In this case, there are a number of other small children there, including another baby, and the baby's parents are close relatives and are each playing a significant part in the proceedings (though OP, in all honesty, I think you've taken too much on by being a BM).

The ONLY explanation therefore as to why you've been 'told' your baby isn't welcome is that s/he will take the shine off their small baby - who, at 2.5 months will of course still be incredibly cute and someone most guests will be oohing and aahing over. I wouldn't mind betting though that either the B or G, or both, feel that your newborn will 'trump' theirs in terms of cuteness and be the 'star of the show'. Either that - or the bride is spoilt and silly enough to think your baby will take attention away from her (but can't deposit her own baby anywhere else as all close relatives will be attending).

Whatever the truth it is, given the circumstances of other kids being there, and your baby being no 'trouble' at all (compared say to toddlers running amok) incredibly rude and hurtful to suggest this. I'm sure some sort of jealousy and/or wanting to be centre of attention (either bride and/or her baby) is at the bottom of it. Which is pretty pathetic.

Being a BM so soon if you have to have a section wouldn't be nice either!

I know you won't to hear this, but those saying that you obviously need to decline are apeaking the truth. 7 to 14 days after the birth you will likely be in no state ti go to a wedding, unless it was with very loving and supportive family. B & G don't fit the description.

YANBU. You should not be put in the position in the first place. They should understand that it is completely unreasonable to ask you to leave a very young baby - especially one that hasn't even been born yet!!

When is the baby due and when is the wedding? Is the baby who will be 2.5 months old at the wedding the B&Gs first child or do they have any others?

I couldn't walk to the loo on my own when ds1 was 1-2 weeks let alone be sociable at a wedding. Good luck!

The only reason they wont you to leave the baby at home is because they know you and your DH's attention will be fully on the baby and not on them on their special day.

I would not be BM at all.

There of course exceptions to the rule - but I highly doubt you will feel like going to a wedding that soon after giving birth; you'll still be establishing feeding, you'll be physically recovering from the birth (try weeing with stitches ....it's agony) and going from a "normal" amount of sleep to hardly any turns you in to a walking zombie, plus the hormone crash that is the baby blues will probably be at their height. I would bow out and leave them to it.

Saying that, I don't think they have any convincing argument as to why they're letting some kids in and not others.

I couldn't wear a bra at 2 weeks postpartum, let alone get my ass into a bridesmaid dress

When I was at that point with my first, I couldn't sit at all nor stand for long periods of time, so would only have been able to attend if someone had provided a chaise longue or similar for me to recline on! I would never have gone anywhere without my son (although I can remember fondly imagining that I would leave him with babysitters asap!) and would have been a teary, bleeding mess who needed to take a cold flannel to the loo every time I went to soothe my stitches. I think your approach of 'wait and see' is the only one that makes sense and I can't believe they are suggesting any other!

OP you really must listen the the posters here who have had babies!

We aren't being killjoys.

You have no idea how you will feel but the message coming over here is that you are likely to feel completely knackered.

You appear to have no idea at all about what childbirth will do to your body and how you will feel emotionally.

I don't think there is one post here that says you will fine and your baby can be left safely with someone.

Maybe listen?

Crisis averted.

Explained to b and g that we will be definitely playing it by ear. They should have a back up plan in case we cannot be there.

Have also explained we were offended by the fact ours was the only one they didn't want there and have been told it was because they thought we would enjoy our day more if we had some freedom.

But they have accepted that it will be our decision and it will be made ALOT closer to the time.

Thank you for your help and support xx

I think it's, hopefully, just a case of them being spectacularly unaware of what having a newborn is like. They, like many childfree couples with limited baby interaction, probably assume that the baby will be entirely portable and can be dropped off with anyone with some nappies and a few bottles of milk. They have zero idea of the reality. They think that you and DH won't be able to do your duties as bridesmaid and BM with a tiny baby around, so to them the answer is simple - leave baby.

If you have had a straightforward birth, no complications, are both healthy and baby doesn't have reflux/is a bottle refuser etc, then attending with your Mum taking over for a couple of hours may work. You'll still be wearing something very forgiving though! No bridesmaids dress that fitted pre-pregnancy is likely to fit just a week or so after birth.

I could have done it with DD at 3 weeks; I had a very easy Csection, she was a good sleeper and feeder from day one. But many people don't have such a smooth experience as you can see from the above replies!