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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What do you consider is a realistic age for having a last baby?

478 replies

GlitteringJasper · 21/03/2015 23:47

Purely based on your own personal opinion?

What age is the 'cut off' in your mind for someone having their final baby?

Really interested to hear views on this!

Am dithering!

OP posts:
scaevola · 23/03/2015 12:48

"Most Down's babies are born to younger mothers"

That is connected to the diagnostic tests being more targeted at 'older' women. It does not tell us the age prevalence of conceptions of babies with Down syndrome.

Before widespread contraception, it was common to have your last baby in your early 40s, maybe a bit later. So yes, women's bodies are designed for it.

Latara · 23/03/2015 12:49

My best friend is 39 and has just had her first baby after years of fertility issues.

The baby is gorgeous and I think that seeing her is what is making me want one so badly when it may not be the best thing for me.

MsGee · 23/03/2015 12:54

Agree with above poster that it is impossible to generalise as there are so many individual and personal factors in this decision.

I had DD when I was 33. By the time I was 37 I had had two further MCs and a TFMR (due to anecephaly). I decided not to continue after that time as I thought that with my poor track record and as I was getting older I was unlikely be successful without further heartache. However, this was a hugely personal decision and fear of further pregnancy loss was a major factor. However, had I not already got my lovely DD I would have kept going till my early 40's or till someone told me that it was medically unwise.

However, I have a friend who is 41 who I know is broody and I have told her to go for it. She's in good health, had good previous pregnancy experiences.

Every situation is so different I don't think you can generalise.

Latara · 23/03/2015 12:54

I think I will stay away from this thread now as I find the whole topic really upsetting :(

Immovableobject · 23/03/2015 12:57

Well, if the formula is the age when you had your last +2, then 47. And I had my first at 42. They were neither ivf or accidental but they just took ages. They are both perfectly healthy, as am I.

I defy anyone of any age to breeze through the sleepless years and young mums are no more indestructable than me. We could all fall under a bus tomorrow, and while my PILs would be older than ideal to take them on having them younger wouldn't have been an improvement as granny satan MIL has been bonkers for years...

Only1scoop · 23/03/2015 13:00

I used to think 42. My friend though has just had a gorgeous little dd at 43....a 20 year age gap with her first dc and that baby is adored.

Only1scoop · 23/03/2015 13:03

I had dd at 37 I'm now 42 and would love her to have a sibling. However the thought of another pregnancy really scares me.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 23/03/2015 13:04

Please don't feel low, Latara.

New research out this week from the centre of family research says that IVF families and gay couples are better at raising children because: “When you think about it, the parents of these families are people who have often gone through years of infertility or faced a lot of social disapproval, or sometimes both,” she said.
“So only people that really, really want to be parents stay the course. It’s often so difficult that if you weren’t so committed then you’d just drop off along the way.

TooMuchRain · 23/03/2015 13:07

This thread has really got me thinking/worrying. Does anyone have any links to information on statistical likelihood of problems in older mothers? I'm struggling to find anything concrete about exactly how much higher any risk is. Thanks Smile

30somethingm · 23/03/2015 13:10

I think 30 ideally, 35 practically, although of course in life, it is impossible for everything to go to plan!

Jackieharris · 23/03/2015 13:10

Hazeyjane- amnios detect the vast majority of chromosomal abnormalities though don't they?

When I had dc1 there weren't these early screening/nuchal/blood tests. It was amnio or no amnio, offered to women over 35.

I don't know if this change in screening has changed the rates of tfmr or birth of DCs with chromosomal abnormalities in the past 10 (?) years since this changed?

I think other factors like how many DCs you want when you start out and what kind of gaps you want will affect age at last baby. We have talked about having another but I've always said I wouldn't want a less than 2 1/2 year gap min. But how to balance this with rising age?

We do rely a lot on GPs. In 10 years time that situation is unlikely to remain the same.

motherinferior · 23/03/2015 13:16

Nuchals were standard in my bit of London 15 years ago. We all had them.

loveandsmiles · 23/03/2015 13:18

I got married at 27 and my husband is 10 years older. We built our careers and travelled, before finally 'settling down' and having our first at 34 years. We now have 5DCs, and are expecting our 6th in August - I will be 48 in October.

If anyone had told me years ago I would have 4 babies in my 40s I would never have believed it but it's happenedGrin

My consultant said my body wouldn't get pregnant and continue a pregnancy if it wasn't able to and though unusual its nature and natural. I personally don't feel old and feel I cope well. We are delighted to be expecting another DC but unfortunately this is 'spoilt' by unkind words of others - experienced when we had last DC (now age 2). So far, we haven't told anyone about this pregnancy.........

x2boys · 23/03/2015 13:18

Not sure Jackie my sons chromosome abnormality is a micro deletion these have only been able to have been picked up in the past5-10 years and although its a very minor abnormality its had a profound affect on his development its all to do with where the change occurs and what genes they affect apparently he is lucky as he doesn't have any of the health or physical disabilities associated with his deletion.

workhouse · 23/03/2015 13:27

My last baby wasn't planned, or rather we didn't deliberately leave it so late.

I met my DP at 36 had our DD when I was 39 and then when nothing happened for a couple of years we assumed that we would not be having another one. Then, when I was 45 it happened again. I knew that the odds were massively against having another without intervention at that age.

Healthcare professionals barely mentioned my age, apart from offering me tests and a bit of counselling concerning the possible results of the tests.

jeanmiguelfangio · 23/03/2015 13:34

It completely depends on your health. I personally stopped at one child at 27. Not because my body couldn't do it, I'm pretty healthy and had a good pregnancy but mentally there is no way I could cope. I had and continue to have anxiety and depression and I just couldn't do it again. So for me it was 27. I am 29 now and completely at peace with my decision.
I don't begrudge anyone the chance to have a child, at whatever age you feel you can do it. My aunt has 2 children, born at 39 and 41. She is a fab mum and takes it all in her stride. Such a personal thing.

Sunnymeg · 23/03/2015 13:42

I think it all depends on personal circumstances. I have one friend who didn't settle down until she was 39. She had one baby at 41 and another at 43 and has thoroughly enjoyed late motherhood. Contrast this with another friend, who got married at 19 had her first at 21, had problems with the birth, was told she would no longer be able to conceive but then fell pregnant naturally aged 41. She really struggled with having a late baby, especially as so many people thought she was a miracle baby and couldn't understand how my friend ended up with PND.

StockingFullOfCoal · 23/03/2015 13:44

I'm 28. Had my DDs aged 21 and 24. I won't be having more. Most of my friends have just had their first or second babies.

What do I think the maximum age for someone else is? Whatever age they bloody well decide, its none of my business.

scaevola · 23/03/2015 13:45

Jackie: DNA samples from amino or CVS will give diagnostic answer sto the questions you are actually asking. So trisomies or big deletions will be picked up, for everyone. If there is a family history of a chromosomal issue, that will be specifically looked for.

What it won't tell you is what your child will be like. For some diagnoses, the prognosis is always pretty grim. For others, it can vary widely.

jimijack · 23/03/2015 13:45

I said 40.
Desperation kicked in, I couldn't contemplate not having another, so eventually had my last baby at almost 43.
I would have another tomorrow if I had guarantees of health, I am 45 soon.

80schild · 23/03/2015 13:52

I go on my fatigue levels. I am tired most of the time so I would have said 3 years ago when I was less tired - which would make it 36. I definitely could not have one now.

alteredbeast · 23/03/2015 14:10

1 had my third at 35. Dh booked for vasectomy as it seems right that she's my last and will be at school by the time I'm 40.

But a little part of me wonders if I could squeeze another out before I'm 40!

leedy · 23/03/2015 14:53

I occasionally contemplate trying for a third at 42/43 and then think about going back to sleepless nights again while still wrangling two other kids and stop contemplating it. I don't think this has anything to do with my age, though, I suspect I'd feel the same with two kids in my mid-thirties.

KiteKit · 23/03/2015 15:31

I had dd at 35 and at 38 started trying for no 2 with absolutely no joy. When I got to 40 we tried medical intervention with no joy. With huge sadness we mentally gave up, then last year at 44 I found myself very unexpectedly pregnant, we were overjoyed. Sadly we lost the baby at 11.5wks before Christmas. It has been devastating. I have very recently turned 45 and am so bloody torn about what to do......totally give up or try one last time. I just don't know.

I met dh at 30 got married at 33 had dd at 35 and at that stage had hoped to be all done by 38. Life doesn't always give you what you want.....

MsRinky · 23/03/2015 15:34

I always had a cut-off plan of 35. This was based I think on the my experience as a child of friends and relatives who had older parents (mine were done by 30). My parents did respite care for children with disabilities, and their parents all seemed old, and our next door neighbours were in their 70s with an adult son with Downs Syndrome. I always knew there were no guarantees, but certainly wouldn't have deliberately waited until my age put in to the higher-risk category.

In the event, it was clear by 30 that I was infertile anyway, but this didn't push my age-limit back, I'd given up by about 32. I weirdly felt less guilt about giving up once I got past my self-imposed 35 cut-off of 35.

I'm now 42 and lots of my friends, especially the men, are still having children. There is no way I would be able to contemplate having an 18 year-old at 60 years old. I'll have been retired 5 years for one thing.