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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm sure I'll get slaughtered, but aibu to want the holiday we've been talking about for years?

136 replies

Tory79 · 19/03/2015 10:26

For several years dh and I have wanted to go to Florida (ie Disney) at Christmas, to see all the decorations etc. we both love Christmas. We decided a few months ago that we would go this year, for the first 2 weeks of December.

We have 2 dc, 3 and 6m, and also dsd9. We have taken dsd out of school before for a holiday, her mum was not thrilled about it. Dh thinks it's fine, I agree with dsd mum, that it's not really the right thing to do. But anyway, when talking about this trip, dh had acknowledged that we wouldn't be taking dsd. However, unbeknownst to me, he told dsd about it and then continued to try and persuade her mum to let her go. She eventually agreed, I think as dh had already told dsd and she didn't want to be the bad guy. I only found this out when dsd started talking about the holiday.

Now I should add that obviously dsd coming is no issue at all, we all get on fine, we've taken her before - no problem. But to go on the dates we want would mean we'd be away over her mums birthday, and neither mum or dsd want that.

We can't go a few days earlier as dh can't have holiday then and it would fall over thanksgiving weekend. We can't go later as then we'd be into the crazy busy time at Disney - first 2 weeks of dec are quiet, 2nd 2 are extremely busy. So dh solution is for us to go end October/beginning of November! Which completely (to me) defeats the object of the trip which is to enjoy a bit of the festive season there.

Is it unreasonable to insist that if dsd is coming she's just going to have to miss her mums birthday?

(For background, we go to Florida regularly, dsd has been to Disney 3 times with us, including last year when dh took her just the two of them, so it's not like she'd be being deprived of a once in a lifetime holiday if she didn't come)

OP posts:
PestoSnowissimos · 19/03/2015 10:32

I wouldn't take DSD out of school in term time anyway. So I would either go during Christmas school holidays if you wish to include her, or go without her before schools break up.

Original poster
Tory79 · 19/03/2015 10:36

No I don't agree with taking her out, dh thinks it's no problem though. He actually got annoyed with her mum about it too and said she was just being awkward! Think he was quite surprised when I defended her Smile

But that's by the by now really, as dsd has already been told she can go. He knows the school won't approve it as we've asked before, but just says he'll pay the fine and that's that.

OP posts:
CallMeExhausted · 19/03/2015 10:58

For what it's worth, Disney at the end of October is fabulous - they go all out for Hallowe'en, so you'd still get "festive", just not Christmas festive.

DD went on a special one day trip (it was absolutely wild) there at the end of October and had an amazing time.

Perhaps this compromise is best for all?

Original poster
Tory79 · 19/03/2015 11:04

We've been a few times for Halloween, (dsd has also been with us for then) dare I say it I am bored of mickeys not so scary Halloween party!! We would be there crossing in to November so we would see the Christmas decs as well, but to me that's missing the point - it's supposed to be a Christmas holiday, that's what we both agreed on.

OP posts:
SuddenlyEveryPartOfMe · 19/03/2015 11:06

Hmm.

You've all been to Disney lots before, so it's not the 'Disney' bit you're going for. The plan was a particular part of Disney, not previously experienced.

I would be annoyed to move it to another (completely different) date which then means the point of this holiday was negated. And yes, it is a slightly churlish annoyance, because after all you're still going to a Disney and will have a lovely holiday nonetheless, but it would really grate with me.

I think the holiday should stand as planned, date-wise. Dsd can come, and make arrangements to skype mum on her birthday, or she can choose not to. But to move the holiday to a time which then makes the point of the holiday redundant because of a birthday is not on.

Original poster
Tory79 · 19/03/2015 11:07

That trip sounds fab by the way!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Tory79 · 19/03/2015 11:12

Sorry, that was to callme

I agree suddenly. I could understand eg dsd not wanting to be away over her birthday, that's different, but I don't ever remember being that fussed about my mums birthday (sorry mum!) and indeed I can't imagine my mum getting upset about me not being there for her birthday!

OP posts:
Original poster
Tory79 · 19/03/2015 11:12

Her own birthday, that should say

OP posts:
Original poster
Tory79 · 19/03/2015 11:13

own even!

Fail!

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theboatisleaking · 19/03/2015 11:17

It's kind of you to take dsd considering it will add extra expense and planning to trip and she is significantly older than your DC.

IMO dsd and her mum should be grateful she is included and not quibble over the dates! I think you should keep dates you originally planned and give them option of taking it or leaving it. What sort of selfish mum would try to stop her dd going on trip of a lifetime just because she wants dd to be home on her birthday? Dsd should be encouraged to go with you not made to feel guilty about missing mum's birthday for one year. End of day its your long-awaited holiday and you didn't have to invite dsd.

DontWorrryBaldrickHasACunningP · 19/03/2015 11:18

Your DH sounds really manipulative, you him and your DSD mum all agree it's best your DSD does not come due to school term dates, and he tells DSD she is and them puts you and his EX in the position of being the bad guys.

I vote for secret option number three go with out him and take a friend or family member you get on well with.

WhereYouLeftIt · 19/03/2015 11:20

Bloody hell your DH is either stupendously self-centred or loves a drama! Happy to piss off the school, happy to piss off his ex, happy to piss off you, and by talking to DSD before his ex, happy to use her to manipulate her mother. A veritable prince amongst men.

lemonhope · 19/03/2015 11:21

I think your dsds mums birthday and schooling are much more important than a quite frankly childish trip to Disneyland.

OK you love Disney, I get that, but can't you wait and book in the holidays?

She's 9, not 5, and school starts to matter when you are 9/10.

SuddenlyEveryPartOfMe · 19/03/2015 11:21

I just can't imagine this happening in our household.

Would dsd's mum be so accommodating about moving a planned holiday to incorporate your DP's birthday?

I have stepchildren. They are grown up now, but I can't see that this would have been a discussion when they were younger.

You obviously all go on a lot of holidays (not meant ina snarky way, just an observation!) so it's not as though dsd would be missing out overall if she chose not to go.

You haven't chosen the dates to purposefully annoy dsd and her mum. You want a particular experience, which is available on particular dates. There is no intent to exclude dsd, as she is welcome on the holiday.

What does,your DP say when you say you want to hold firm on dates?

Original poster
Tory79 · 19/03/2015 11:22

I know dontworry

This is actually the second time he's told dsd about our holiday plans without consulting her mum first, I'm surprised she didn't get more annoyed than she actually did Hmm

OP posts:
AlPacinosHooHaa · 19/03/2015 11:22

I think usually missing mums bday is not on, but on this occasion I think the mum should accept unless she is not wanting her DD to go at all....

I think you should stick to your dates, and make her think about forcing her dd from missing this trip, due to her bday or letting her go.

BTW I dont agree its KIND of you to include your husbands DD I think its a given she should have been included from the get go, but appreciate its akward with split families.

StrawberryMojito · 19/03/2015 11:22

I think your Dh has been an idiot promising her the trip and I'd be seething if I was his ex- she's either going to be the bad guy and insist that dsd doesn't miss school and can't go or she has to let her dsd miss school which is wrong and not have her daughter around on her birthday which is less of a big deal but still may irritate.
I think the trip should go ahead when you wanted it to but that dsd should miss it and be taken on another holiday a different time. It should also be up to your Dh to break the news and be the bad guy.
Either that or you stump up the extra cash, face the crowds and go over Christmas holidays but presumably ex wouldn't want her dd away at Christmas either (understandably).

lemonhope · 19/03/2015 11:23

I am delighted that I am married to someone who would put his children's schooling before his infantile desire to go to Disneyland.

AlPacinosHooHaa · 19/03/2015 11:23

BTW at 9 - going on such amazing trip with her siblings - disney at xmas school is a non issue!

Branleuse · 19/03/2015 11:23

considering the 9 year old would get the most out of it out of all of them, then id go when you can take her.

A couple of days out of school is no big deal if school agree, especially at xmas time because its usually all about school plays and not learning much anyway

Original poster
Tory79 · 19/03/2015 11:24

lemon Disney in school holiday time is something to be avoided at all costs as far as I'm concerned, until all children involved are old enough to have the patience to queue! It's bad enough in term time.

I agree that dsd should be at school, as does her mum!

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AlPacinosHooHaa · 19/03/2015 11:25

that dsd should miss it and be taken on another holiday a different time.

I would agree if this was a package tour to a non nondescript place like spain but not to somewhere like disney, and its been promised now.

Original poster
Tory79 · 19/03/2015 11:26

It would all be in school time bran, so she'll be missing just over 2 weeks.

OP posts:
AlPacinosHooHaa · 19/03/2015 11:26

I would never do such a special trip and leave out ONE other child who would also love it, cruel.

lemonhope · 19/03/2015 11:26

Well when children get older you do have to take schooling seriously.

I don't agree with termtime holidays and personally I would rather eat pins than go to Disneyland so I am probably not the best person to be involved in this conversation Grin