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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm sure I'll get slaughtered, but aibu to want the holiday we've been talking about for years?

136 replies

Tory79 · 19/03/2015 10:26

For several years dh and I have wanted to go to Florida (ie Disney) at Christmas, to see all the decorations etc. we both love Christmas. We decided a few months ago that we would go this year, for the first 2 weeks of December.

We have 2 dc, 3 and 6m, and also dsd9. We have taken dsd out of school before for a holiday, her mum was not thrilled about it. Dh thinks it's fine, I agree with dsd mum, that it's not really the right thing to do. But anyway, when talking about this trip, dh had acknowledged that we wouldn't be taking dsd. However, unbeknownst to me, he told dsd about it and then continued to try and persuade her mum to let her go. She eventually agreed, I think as dh had already told dsd and she didn't want to be the bad guy. I only found this out when dsd started talking about the holiday.

Now I should add that obviously dsd coming is no issue at all, we all get on fine, we've taken her before - no problem. But to go on the dates we want would mean we'd be away over her mums birthday, and neither mum or dsd want that.

We can't go a few days earlier as dh can't have holiday then and it would fall over thanksgiving weekend. We can't go later as then we'd be into the crazy busy time at Disney - first 2 weeks of dec are quiet, 2nd 2 are extremely busy. So dh solution is for us to go end October/beginning of November! Which completely (to me) defeats the object of the trip which is to enjoy a bit of the festive season there.

Is it unreasonable to insist that if dsd is coming she's just going to have to miss her mums birthday?

(For background, we go to Florida regularly, dsd has been to Disney 3 times with us, including last year when dh took her just the two of them, so it's not like she'd be being deprived of a once in a lifetime holiday if she didn't come)

OP posts:
TyrannosaurusBex · 19/03/2015 13:23

I think I'd wait until the younger children are old enough to appreciate/remember it.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/03/2015 13:27

2 weeks out of her entire early years schooling is NOT going to cause the DSD any long term educational disruption, FFS! Hmm

Love51 · 19/03/2015 13:30

Im thrown by the idea that school plays are considered less important than the usual grind. Things like plays are the reason I would send my kids to school even if I were wealthy enough to home educate and not be broke. Kids have somd great activies at less formal times.
As for the OP, I think DP has put you in an awkward position. i couldnt leave a 9 yr old out of disney! or let them miss school.

PreviouslyMal · 19/03/2015 13:36

The Xmas decs go up straight after Halloween, certainly by the 1st weekend in November, it's the best time to go - fab weather and low crowds.

Dowser · 19/03/2015 13:39

Agree thumb witch.

Heaven help if the poor kid is really poorly and needs three weeks off to recover.

She'll be fooked for life.

( that is a joke and please god she remains healthy!)

RizzoWasTheBestOne · 19/03/2015 13:58

FGS. This is such a non problem.

Tbh everyone in this situation sounds spoilt, with all the emotional maturity of the 9 year old DSD.

Some perspective is badly needed.

It's not remotely 'barbaric' to make the DSD choose. She has already been to Disneyland multiple times. She has a parent who thinks nothing of taking her out of school during term time for weeks at a time. If choosing whether to go to DL or stay for her mum's birthday is her biggest problem then really, this girl's life is good! Think of it as a life lesson for her.

The mum is being ridiculously precious about her birthday. Sure, I like to be made a fuss of on my birthday but I wouldn't expect Dd to miss out on a holiday for it.

And the dad sounds like an overgrown child.

Dowser · 19/03/2015 14:12

To be fair. I thought dad sounded lovely, wanting to do something nice for his daughter that he probably misses and doesn't get to see every day.

He's probably really happy OP that you are accepting of her.

The poor child could be in a lot worse situation. Having a dad that doesn't bother with her.

Ok he did it in a cack handed sort of way but it seems like his plans came from his heart

Dowser · 19/03/2015 14:15

Now then who's going to have elder son so mum gets a nice break on her birthday with her fiancé

;-)

Branleuse · 19/03/2015 14:18

I think if your 9 year old cant come, then you shouldnt do it.

Just do it in the school holidays and accept the fact it will be more expensive and more crowded, because the alternative to that is actually properly cruel and selfish to your 9 year old.

YellowTulips · 19/03/2015 14:30

YABU

I wouldn't take my child out of school in term time and I wouldn't go on a family holiday without my DSD (undermines the term family holiday no?).

I don't think it matters if DSD has been to DL before or not.

I'm also baffled at why you would go to DL again tbh. There are far nicer places to go that are far more Christmasy.

AGirlCalledBoB · 19/03/2015 14:38

I feel a bit sorry for the ex to be honest. She could hardly say no to the trip if her daughter has already been told about it and is thrilled to be going.
I wouldn't want my child missing two weeks of school, near christmas and around my birthday but your oh has put her in a really difficult place.

I wouldn't say no but I wouldn't be best pleased with the ex.

Surely he knows he should discuss plans with the mother before telling a child.

Just go on your original dates, the ex sounds reasonable. I imagine she is pleased her daughter will be having fun but your oh could have been a lot better about the whole thing.

Branleuse · 19/03/2015 14:45

If i was the Dh here I would absolutely refuse to do that sort of trip while leaving one child out. Especially if its so magical. I would do anything to make sure that all 3 could do it.

You wouldnt leave one of your own children out, and it isnt some surly teenager who would be half hearted about going anyway.

AlPacinosHooHaa · 19/03/2015 14:53

The poor child could be in a lot worse situation. Having a dad that doesn't bother with her

this is very very true and sadly I know of too many families where ther first dc are totally cut out by new family financially, emotionally etc.

Original poster
Tory79 · 19/03/2015 14:56

I think the school issue is becoming a red herring.

No, I'm not a fan of taking children out of school for holidays, neither is dsds mum. Dh, like others, thinks it's fine. (And yes he certainly went about it in the wrong way) However, she's agreed that we can do that, so taking her in term time is not the issue. We will be taking her out of school no matter what dates we go on.

The issue is whether it's acceptable to say dsd will have to miss her mums birthday to come, so that we can go at Christmas time. I know the decs go up straight after Halloween, but to me, that's not a Christmassy time!

Let's not make this about Disney either, if you don't like Disney, just put a holiday you do like in its place Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Tory79 · 19/03/2015 14:58

Also, we're not a 'new' family. Dh and I have been together since before dsd was born, she has known us together her entire life. (Sorry, just being pedantic)

OP posts:
YellowTulips · 19/03/2015 15:03

If you want to cut down the remit of the discussion to the element of DSD's mums birthday then I personally wouldn't want to risk upsetting my DSD's mum (with whom we have a good relationship).

I'd ask her first and if she was upset about DSD missing her birthday I wouldn't do it.

Some people feel very protective about key dates and I would respect that.

It's all about give and take with blended families and if there was an alternative (which there is - just not your preferred option) then I would go down that route. What goes around comes around and you might want DSD's mum to accommodate you about something more vital in the future where an alternative option isn't available.

AGirlCalledBoB · 19/03/2015 15:06

I think it will be fine. The mum will probably be annoyed, I would be! But ultimately want her child to have a good time.

So if I was in that situation I would encourage my child to go even if it meant my child was gone over my birthday and near christmas. Most mums would do the same. Maybe tell your dsd that she could get her mum a little present while she is there so she does not feel guilty about missing her mother's birthday.

needaholidaynow · 19/03/2015 16:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BloodyDogHairs · 19/03/2015 16:36

Op Tell the mum you can't change dates then let her decide whether she wants the dsd to miss out, once she realises its a choice between her dd going to Disney and staying at home for birthday cake she'll be ok.

I can understand your DH's excitement about the holiday, I made the mistake of telling my dc's about our disney holiday without checking school dates. We then had to make the decision of going on holiday and ds missing a important thing at school or ds staying at school and us not going on holiday.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 19/03/2015 18:24

I would be fucked off if this were my dd.

CallMeExhausted · 19/03/2015 18:35

I apologise for not taking the time to read all of the messages between my first and now, but I am going to go way out on a limb and ask if postponing this trip for a year mightn't be feasible.

DSD is 9, but your youngest is only 6 months. Baby will get absolutely nothing from those, the middle child won't get much more. Wait a year, plan well in advance, avoid DSD's mum's birthday and still see Christmas tat.

Problem solved.

9 year olds can learn to deal with disappointment. In fact, they need to. Do not let "d"h play the emotional blackmail game.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 19/03/2015 19:18

They don't want to wait a year because OP doesn't want her DC to take time out of school.

Oldraver · 19/03/2015 19:19

OP has said her child will be in school next year and doesn't want to take them out of school so it seems this will be the last time they can have a term time holiday.

I think its a bit of a busy time at school to take DSD out...does she realise she may miss stuff at school ie Christmas party etc and is she ok with this as well as missing her Mums birthday ?

I wouldn't be letting DH move the holiday, HE now needs to find a way out of the mess he's made

Branleuse · 19/03/2015 21:21

but maybe next year just leave the 4 year old at home and take the youngest? You probably wouldnt do that because it is your own dd, rather than "just" your husbands dd

The fact that youre an established family that your dsd has known her whole life, is even more reason to not leave her out

Do an adults only holiday or take all the children

Original poster
Tory79 · 19/03/2015 21:40

bran I totally get where you're coming from, but as I've said in this thread already, we have been on a number of holidays with and without dsd. So whether you agree with it or not, that's how things have panned out in our particular blended family.

Last year dh and dsd went to Florida just the two of them, leaving me and the 3 year old at home.

OP posts: