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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm sure I'll get slaughtered, but aibu to want the holiday we've been talking about for years?

136 replies

Tory79 · 19/03/2015 10:26

For several years dh and I have wanted to go to Florida (ie Disney) at Christmas, to see all the decorations etc. we both love Christmas. We decided a few months ago that we would go this year, for the first 2 weeks of December.

We have 2 dc, 3 and 6m, and also dsd9. We have taken dsd out of school before for a holiday, her mum was not thrilled about it. Dh thinks it's fine, I agree with dsd mum, that it's not really the right thing to do. But anyway, when talking about this trip, dh had acknowledged that we wouldn't be taking dsd. However, unbeknownst to me, he told dsd about it and then continued to try and persuade her mum to let her go. She eventually agreed, I think as dh had already told dsd and she didn't want to be the bad guy. I only found this out when dsd started talking about the holiday.

Now I should add that obviously dsd coming is no issue at all, we all get on fine, we've taken her before - no problem. But to go on the dates we want would mean we'd be away over her mums birthday, and neither mum or dsd want that.

We can't go a few days earlier as dh can't have holiday then and it would fall over thanksgiving weekend. We can't go later as then we'd be into the crazy busy time at Disney - first 2 weeks of dec are quiet, 2nd 2 are extremely busy. So dh solution is for us to go end October/beginning of November! Which completely (to me) defeats the object of the trip which is to enjoy a bit of the festive season there.

Is it unreasonable to insist that if dsd is coming she's just going to have to miss her mums birthday?

(For background, we go to Florida regularly, dsd has been to Disney 3 times with us, including last year when dh took her just the two of them, so it's not like she'd be being deprived of a once in a lifetime holiday if she didn't come)

OP posts:
AlPacinosHooHaa · 19/03/2015 12:11

I totally disagree lemon, they are not mutually exclusive at all, it doesn't have to be all or nothing and indeed in most cases it isn't.

lemonhope · 19/03/2015 12:20

of course they are mutually exclusive

you either teach your children its fine to miss school for a holiday or you don't.

Dowser · 19/03/2015 12:27

If someone offered to take my child away to Disney and it was my birthday I wouldn't be in the slightest bit bothered. Even if it was school time .

Foreign travel is an education in itself.

My three grandchildren went to Disney last year in end of October/ November and had the most amazing time.

They were so voluble about what they had seen and done. The middle ones speech had come on tremendously. They are home edded so keeping them off school was never an issue.

My feeling is you can't hurt the child. 9 years old is too tender an age to turn round and say sorry you can't come. She will catch up with her schoolwork at some point.

She could take work with her. She will be learning all sorts of stuff while she away. Maths..converting dollars to pounds to see if what she's buying is good value.

Then there's all the wild life. On the way home to the airport we saw a bald eagle at the side of the road ( on a housing estate) stood on its prey and ripping it to shreds, just five feet from the car. One time there was a snake sunning itself in the morning sun. The raccoons that came and ripped open the plastic bin bags. The turkey vultures swooping down for an armadillo. In Celebration you often alligators in the lakes and anhingas drying their wings at the side of the

The list is endless OP. she needs to go this time and then sort DH out for the future.

Btw...are the Osborne lights back and if the ice show is still on at the gay lord palms, don't miss it... it's fantastic!

Original poster
Tory79 · 19/03/2015 12:27

aplace I think the reason dh is bothered about the birthday and not the school thing is because dsd is bothered about the birthday but (funnily enough) not about missing school.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tory79 · 19/03/2015 12:30

We wouldn't be telling her she can't come dowser, we'd just be saying she'll have to be away over her mums birthday.

OP posts:
AlPacinosHooHaa · 19/03/2015 12:30

lets agree to disagree Lemon, we are living breathing proof of taking dc out - a few times for holidays, missing a a few days here and there, I have high achieving DC top sets in class, way ahead in maths and reading, who are constantly and I do mean constantly praised for love of learning, respect for learning and for school. Our teachers GUSH to us, about the model they set for other pupils and how well they are doing.

I don't like to boast, but we are living breathing example that you can take dc out, they can still flourish and do very well, and they can love school and love learning.

And this constant - and I do mean constant confirmation by teachers, fed back by class room awards ( too many for our fridge to hold - given every term bearing thanks for being brilliant part of school, from teacher) and literally blush inducing praise, at parents evenings, + top grades tell me - it isn't mutually exclusive and it can be done.

Not all the time Lemon, not all the time, but we have taken DC and we have no suffered, their learning and respect for school has not suffered and we have proof.

SuddenlyEveryPartOfMe · 19/03/2015 12:30

Then dsd needs to decide what she wants to do.

You've all been to Disney before, lots. There is no 'point' (I use the term loosely!) to a Disney holiday in Oct/Nov.

What does dsd want more? Disney with Christmas lights and decorations, or her mums birthday?

She can't demand the holiday is moved, and changed beyond recognition to accommodate her.

SuddenlyEveryPartOfMe · 19/03/2015 12:31

When I say no point to the holiday, I mean for your family - been there, done that, iyswim.

lemonhope · 19/03/2015 12:32

a few days here and there is not two weeks!

AlPacinosHooHaa · 19/03/2015 12:32

I agree dowser and imagine the poor child stuck at school, trying to concentrate on division knowing her sibs are at disney! torture.

Original poster
Tory79 · 19/03/2015 12:33

al, yes dsd does very well at school, she loves it and is very bright. I'd like to think even dh wouldn't be happy to take her out if there was a problem!

OP posts:
lemonhope · 19/03/2015 12:33

oh now steady, poor dsd is 9, of course it shouldn't be up to her to decide

poor chick Sad

AlPacinosHooHaa · 19/03/2015 12:34

Yeah yeah Lemon Confused

Dowser · 19/03/2015 12:35

Is she really bothered about missing her mums birthday?

SuddenlyEveryPartOfMe · 19/03/2015 12:37

But dsd can't have everyhting - it isn't possible. She cannot have Disney with Christmas decorations and stay home for her mums birthday.

I don't think 9 is too young to choose. I also don't think missing a birthday is a good reason to move an entire familiy's holiday.

I do think 9 is old enough to realise that sometimes compromises are needed. And that is it unreasonable to ask that a long-held wish to go to a place at a particular time is overridden for a birthday celebration, when that celebration could be held early/postponed (I am assuming it isn't a milestone birthday, with a huge celebration going on btw!)

Dowser · 19/03/2015 12:37

It's two years since I was last there.

OH not keen on Florida but I love it.

Can I come ;-)

APlaceOnTheCouch · 19/03/2015 12:38

Ah, I see. So he's saying his DD being bothered is more important than the prior arrangement he made with you about going to Disney over Christmas, and it's more important than his ex's belief that DSD shouldn't miss school. His priorities seem a bit . . .odd Confused

Good luck with resolving it. I hope you do get your Disney Christmas holiday even if it ends up being two weeks later with a Fast Pass to avoid the queues

lemonhope · 19/03/2015 12:38

What if she would love to go to disney but feels really guilty about missing her mums birthday?

fgs making her choose is barbaric, particularly as its her step family

Dowser · 19/03/2015 12:41

Then her mum shouldn't be making her guilty. She should be encouraging her to go.

Well that's what I would do.

Maybe mum come ome as well.....then it's all sorted ;-)

Dowser · 19/03/2015 12:42
  • could come
Original poster
Tory79 · 19/03/2015 12:42

Err are you saying her dad and her brothers are not her real family lemon??

No it's not a milestone birthday, it's months away obviously so there are no plans for celebrating as yet.

Personally I do think in this instance it's ok to tell dsd it's her choice.

OP posts:
Dowser · 19/03/2015 12:45

I can't see how it's barbaric to ask her to choose.

It's up to mum to let her go happily and with encouragement .

SuddenlyEveryPartOfMe · 19/03/2015 12:46

She may feel a bit guilty and upset about missing her mums birthday. But that's the point, isn't it? She can't have it all.

And if the holiday gets moved so she can stay for her mums birthday, then her stepmum, brothers and dad miss out in the Disney-at-Christmas thing. And miss out for a ling while, as her brother starts school next year so the family won't be travelling at that time for many years.

Agree with dowser, e mum should be encouraging her to go, regardless of birthday, and planning how best they can celebrate the mums birthday before/after so that dsd can see she isn't really missing out.

lemonhope · 19/03/2015 12:47

no that is not what I meant

I meant that her mum is not living with her so guilt bound to be part of issue

my dd would feel guilty about missing my birthday even though as a mum I would not dream of making her feel guilty

lemonhope · 19/03/2015 12:50

or sorry that she lives with her mum? not sure where she lives

I presume actually that she lives with her mum as your dh seemed happy to skip off to disneyland without his dd in the first instance

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