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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm sure I'll get slaughtered, but aibu to want the holiday we've been talking about for years?

136 replies

Tory79 · 19/03/2015 10:26

For several years dh and I have wanted to go to Florida (ie Disney) at Christmas, to see all the decorations etc. we both love Christmas. We decided a few months ago that we would go this year, for the first 2 weeks of December.

We have 2 dc, 3 and 6m, and also dsd9. We have taken dsd out of school before for a holiday, her mum was not thrilled about it. Dh thinks it's fine, I agree with dsd mum, that it's not really the right thing to do. But anyway, when talking about this trip, dh had acknowledged that we wouldn't be taking dsd. However, unbeknownst to me, he told dsd about it and then continued to try and persuade her mum to let her go. She eventually agreed, I think as dh had already told dsd and she didn't want to be the bad guy. I only found this out when dsd started talking about the holiday.

Now I should add that obviously dsd coming is no issue at all, we all get on fine, we've taken her before - no problem. But to go on the dates we want would mean we'd be away over her mums birthday, and neither mum or dsd want that.

We can't go a few days earlier as dh can't have holiday then and it would fall over thanksgiving weekend. We can't go later as then we'd be into the crazy busy time at Disney - first 2 weeks of dec are quiet, 2nd 2 are extremely busy. So dh solution is for us to go end October/beginning of November! Which completely (to me) defeats the object of the trip which is to enjoy a bit of the festive season there.

Is it unreasonable to insist that if dsd is coming she's just going to have to miss her mums birthday?

(For background, we go to Florida regularly, dsd has been to Disney 3 times with us, including last year when dh took her just the two of them, so it's not like she'd be being deprived of a once in a lifetime holiday if she didn't come)

OP posts:
SuddenlyEveryPartOfMe · 19/03/2015 11:27

Why is your DP so set on dsd coming in this particular holiday?

I agree that schooling should come first (and I know that isn't the point of this thread, which is why I didn't mention it before).

But he went with dsd last year, so it's not as though she hasn't had the experience.

Why the insistence that dsd comes this time? It's not suitable, dates wise (schooling and her mums birthday), so it should never have been an option.

Original poster
Tory79 · 19/03/2015 11:34

suddenly I totally understand why he would want her to come, of course he does, and in his mind it would have been a non issue as he thinks it's fine for her to miss school, and I would imagine he just didn't think about the fact it would mean her being away for her mums birthday or else thought it was a non issue.

OP posts:
JohnFarleysRuskin · 19/03/2015 11:37

So she's going to miss two weeks of school AND her mum's birthday?

Original poster
Tory79 · 19/03/2015 11:38

lemon I'm afraid we unashamedly love all things Disney Smile but I realise it's not for everyone!

al we have been to Disney with dsd and we have also been without her. Like I said earlier we go regularly so although this time is different as its for Christmas, it's not some kind of once in a lifetime trip to Disney she'd be missing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tory79 · 19/03/2015 11:39

Yes john

OP posts:
cantseemtohaveitall · 19/03/2015 11:40

I'm afraid it does sound like it's your DH at fault here - he is manipulating his ex through his daughter which is never going to reflect well on anyone.
You need to stick to your guns and go with your originally planned dates and your DH needs to respect his ex's wishes with regards to her daughter and he needs to be the one to tell his DD if it is decided in the end that she doesn't go.

Given that as you say you've all been before anyway and your DH took his DD last year it really seems that you are not being the unreasonable one here.

SuddenlyEveryPartOfMe · 19/03/2015 11:41

Yes, of course it is natural for him to want his dd to come along. But it just isn't practical this time, is it?

If you have been before, both with and without dsd, then it not as though there is any precedent to follow.

I would hold firm on the dates. You are not trying to exclude dsd. If she wants to come, she can. But it means she misses her mum's birthday, because that is the holiday in offer.

SuddenlyEveryPartOfMe · 19/03/2015 11:44

And it sounds as though you need to start discussing the whole schooling thing with your DP before your dc are at school.

2 weeks is a lot of school to miss. There is no way (barring life/death situations) my children will ever miss that amount of school for a holiday. (I would love'to go to Disney at Christmas - dh went a couple of years ago with (adult) dsd - but I can't as I have school age childrne and won't go in the stupid school holiday crush).

Original poster
Tory79 · 19/03/2015 11:45

I have already told him I won't be prepared to take our children out of school for holidays like this Smile

OP posts:
APlaceOnTheCouch · 19/03/2015 11:46

YANBU to want the holiday you had planned but thanks to your DH it seems unlikely you're going to get your holiday. Unless, he would support you in saying those are the dates and ultimately the decision about whether DSD comes or not rests with her DM? Her DM can decide if missing school and her birthday are non-negotiable or not.

I'd only be changing the dates on the proviso that you book next year's holiday for Christmas in Disney and make it clear to DH and his ex that those dates are non-negotiable. Then leave them to argue on whether DSD misses school and her DM's birthday.

tbh I'd be annoyed that DH had created this situation in the first place. It could have been avoided if he'd only respected the opinions of you and his ex before speaking to his DD.

Original poster
Tory79 · 19/03/2015 11:48

We can't change to next Christmas becuse ds wil be in school then Sad

OP posts:
JohnFarleysRuskin · 19/03/2015 11:54

What if you agree not to go but then he tells the kids behind your back that they are going.

That's what he did to DSD mum, didn't he?

thelittleredhen · 19/03/2015 11:55

No, YANBU

If DSD's mum has given the go ahead for having the time off school knowing the dates, then she has given permission for missing her birthday IMO.

I'm with you 100% that if you want to experience the Christmas Disney, then that's what you should do.

Original poster
Tory79 · 19/03/2015 11:59

I don't think dh gave her firm dates at the time she agreed it littleredhen I think he kind of vaguely said December.

OP posts:
Mozzereena · 19/03/2015 12:01

I think both you and your DH are being selfish to plan this trip at a time that is inconvenient to DSD. If she goes she is disadvantaged at school and if she doesn't go she has effectively been excluded from a family holiday.
I don't think she or her mum should consider themselves 'lucky' she has been included in the plan as a poster upthread has suggested.
If you were genuine about including her you would want to book the trip to fall during the school holidays. Your DSD hasn't really been given any consideration at all.
How would you feel if your own kids were treated this way?

AlPacinosHooHaa · 19/03/2015 12:02

Well when children get older you do have to take schooling seriously

You can take school very seriously and take a one off, holiday of a life time family break. You also have to factor in, the bitterness the child left out would feel, her dis connect from dads other family etc etc etc.

SuddenlyEveryPartOfMe · 19/03/2015 12:04

I think you're going to face years of pressure where your DP ends up planning holidays with the dc, and you will be the bad guy saying they can't go due to school.

But apart from that, if dsd's mum okayed they holiday (even it reluctantly), then she okayed it. She knows whe her birthday is, and she knows what holiday was planned.

The holiday is what is it, and is only available for a few weeks of the year.

lemonhope · 19/03/2015 12:05

The majority of families NEVER have a one off blah blah amazing school missing holiday

they live

26Point2Miles · 19/03/2015 12:05

All this over seeing a few tacky Christmas decorations?

AlPacinosHooHaa · 19/03/2015 12:06

Op huge apology, I didn't read your op properly.

I didn't see that she has been before Blush.

Yes it will be uber special at xmas, but I think your ex needs to put in his ex hands now.

It would be different if it was a one off and she had never ever been.

he has been really naughty

AlPacinosHooHaa · 19/03/2015 12:07

so what lemon, we all try and aim a little higher than just living and existing dont we?

all we need in life is the basics, and we would all live, but we all aim higher.

AlPacinosHooHaa · 19/03/2015 12:09

I think you will have to work with the problem given at this point in time, and make your husband PROMISE to never ever mess you all round like this again, and hopefuly you wont want another akward holiday.

lemonhope · 19/03/2015 12:09

Yes we do

and I think giving your children respect for education and being able to find joy in school even though your mate has buggered off to some commercial hellhole

is giving your children about one of the best and highest lessons experiences you can

it will certainly last longer than seeing a giant Mickey and eating shite.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 19/03/2015 12:10

That would be profound al if you weren't talking about Xmas at Disney :)

APlaceOnTheCouch · 19/03/2015 12:11

If you can't go next year then you just have to tell your DH that the dates are non-negotiable. He and his ex can decide if DSD can come along or not.

I don't agree that you've been mean in relation to your DSD. She has been to Disney. The Christmas experience was your holiday.

It's not your responsibility if DSD's DM won't let her go on holiday when it's her birthday. Perhaps, she is actually just putting her foot down about DSD missing school but using an argument that she knows your DH will respect? He seems to be paying more attention to the 'DD can't miss her mum's birthday' argument than he does the 'DD can't miss school' argument.

Could you all sit down together to discuss it without DSD there? Your DH could suggest an alternative weekend away with DSD if she can't make the Disney Christmas trip.