Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm sure I'll get slaughtered, but aibu to want the holiday we've been talking about for years?

136 replies

Tory79 · 19/03/2015 10:26

For several years dh and I have wanted to go to Florida (ie Disney) at Christmas, to see all the decorations etc. we both love Christmas. We decided a few months ago that we would go this year, for the first 2 weeks of December.

We have 2 dc, 3 and 6m, and also dsd9. We have taken dsd out of school before for a holiday, her mum was not thrilled about it. Dh thinks it's fine, I agree with dsd mum, that it's not really the right thing to do. But anyway, when talking about this trip, dh had acknowledged that we wouldn't be taking dsd. However, unbeknownst to me, he told dsd about it and then continued to try and persuade her mum to let her go. She eventually agreed, I think as dh had already told dsd and she didn't want to be the bad guy. I only found this out when dsd started talking about the holiday.

Now I should add that obviously dsd coming is no issue at all, we all get on fine, we've taken her before - no problem. But to go on the dates we want would mean we'd be away over her mums birthday, and neither mum or dsd want that.

We can't go a few days earlier as dh can't have holiday then and it would fall over thanksgiving weekend. We can't go later as then we'd be into the crazy busy time at Disney - first 2 weeks of dec are quiet, 2nd 2 are extremely busy. So dh solution is for us to go end October/beginning of November! Which completely (to me) defeats the object of the trip which is to enjoy a bit of the festive season there.

Is it unreasonable to insist that if dsd is coming she's just going to have to miss her mums birthday?

(For background, we go to Florida regularly, dsd has been to Disney 3 times with us, including last year when dh took her just the two of them, so it's not like she'd be being deprived of a once in a lifetime holiday if she didn't come)

OP posts:
SuddenlyEveryPartOfMe · 19/03/2015 12:52

The whole thing about growing up is being guided through sometimes difficult choices. And this is hardly the most difficult of difficult choices, is it? 9 is old enough to realise that sometimes birthdays get celebrated on a different day (I am sure this must already have happened with her dad's birthday, or even her own party being held at the weekend instead of on the actual day?)

My dd2, next year, will most likely be invited on a school music tour abroad. Going will mean she misses her brothers birthday (and her brother is younger, in the age where birthdays are all-important). Dd2 will be 9. If she chooses the music tour, we will wave her off with good cheer. It will be fabulous for her. And we will have a double celebration for ds' birthday, so that neither he nor she miss out.

In fact, this summer dd2 will be doing a music workshop which ends on her sisters birthday. Again, we will arrange it so that neither misses out. Because life is about experiencing as many different things as possible, not limiting yourself because of a calendar dictation which could be celebrated another time.

Original poster
Tory79 · 19/03/2015 12:53

Yes she live with her mum.

OP posts:
lemonhope · 19/03/2015 12:56

OK

If I was your dh, I wouldn't have made any holiday plans that didn't include dsd
and so if she was at school we wouldnt have gone or we would have gone another time.

Original poster
Tory79 · 19/03/2015 12:57

Quite, suddenly. I certainly can't see that it would be 'barbaric' to ask her to make this particular choice.

Oh, and just to say, I think if dsd chose to go that her mum would be ok with it, albeit not thrilled, I'm not trying to suggest I think she'd try and persuade her to stay, just that she'd prefer her to be here.

OP posts:
NeedABumChange · 19/03/2015 12:58

She's already been there multiple times I'd leave her behind this time and take her somewhere fun in summer.

Could you do a cute suprise Disney Paris weekend trip in October maybe with just her? It'd probably cost the same as her flights to Florida. Make a change from all the Americans too.

SuddenlyEveryPartOfMe · 19/03/2015 12:59

But the school isn't the issue, lemonhope.

The mum agreed the holiday in school time, and this isn't a first - whatever your personal thoughts on holidays in term time (and I'm with you, I think).

Now the dsd has realised that the holiday means she will be away for her mums birthday, and wants to move the holiday. That isn't reasonable, as doing so completely changes the holiday.

dreamingbohemian · 19/03/2015 13:00

where does her mum's birthday fall in those two weeks? two weeks is a lot, can you resolve the issue by leaving 2-3 days earlier or later?

I normally have no problem with term time holidays but I have to say, skipping more than two weeks to go to Disney for the fourth time is bonkers.

lemonhope · 19/03/2015 13:00

of course its not reasonable
she's 9 years old and trying to keep everyone happy

shame her dad is actiing like a big kid and not a responsible father!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/03/2015 13:01

YANBU to want your holiday as you've planned it.
DH INBU to want his DD there.
YWNBU to think she shouldn't really miss school but hey, she has to if she's coming and if her mother agrees to it then ok. 2 weeks out of her entire schooling, at the end of the first term of the academic year when mostly kids are just winding down for Christmas anyway = no biggie, IMO.

The problem lies with the mother's birthday, obviously - and here is where the DD does have to make her mind up, hopefully with her mother being supportive of her choice - I'm sure her mum could suggest they celebrate the birthday beforehand, that the DD could buy her mum an extra special gift while she's away, that skyping on her mum's birthday is an option. Or perhaps she just doesn't want her mum to be alone on her birthday while she is off enjoying herself.

Her mum really has to take a stance on this and say to her DD that it's ok to miss one birthday, that she'll be fine, that they can celebrate beforehand/after and it will be ok. Otherwise the DSD is going to be either wracked with guilt, or sad and resentful that she misses out on the trip.

Whatever, there really isn't anything that you, OP, can do now - your reasons for going over that time period are indeed reasonable, and I expect your DSD's mum can see that.

lemonhope · 19/03/2015 13:02

her mum probably agreed against her better judgement

if her dd came home excited and said dads going to take me to disneyland

hard for her mum to then say no you can't go

I think this situation is a bit tragic actually

HermiaDream · 19/03/2015 13:02

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SuddenlyEveryPartOfMe · 19/03/2015 13:06

Whilst I agree that the dad has not acted well in all this (inviting the dsd along when doing so caused all this) I don't think it is fair to,lay all blame for this at his door.

The mum should be doing as Thumb said - cheery wave off with a reminder to but somethign special when away, plans for how to contact on birthday, even getting on board and saying somethign like 'don't worry about me, I've always wanted to do X

pinkje · 19/03/2015 13:10

Does the mum have other kids ? I can see how she might not want to be alone on her birthday but she's an adult and surely can delay or bring forward any celebrations to accommodate the holiday. So I would say YANBU (though I too disagree with the taking out of school issue - who is going to pay the charge on that?)

Original poster
Tory79 · 19/03/2015 13:11

Just to be clear, dsd mum definitely won't be alone! She has a fiancé, an elder son and all her immediate family live locally as well!

OP posts:
Original poster
Tory79 · 19/03/2015 13:11

pinkje dh would pay any fine

OP posts:
TheRealAmandaClarke · 19/03/2015 13:13

Well I wouldnt be changing he dte to accommodate the birthday thing.
But I wouldnt have booked it then if I had wanted dsd to come because it means taking herout of school and I dont think thats appropriate at her age.
Go next yea?
If its ok fr s dd to be out of schol why not his ds?
Or go at holiday time. Like you're supposed to.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/03/2015 13:13

Ah right well that changes things a bit too - I was imagining it was just her and DSD living together, which would of course make DSD feel a bit bad about abandoning her on her birthday.

Then DSD really does need to make her own mind up about what she'd rather do - but I still hope that her mother would make it easy for her to do it without prejudice.

lemonhope · 19/03/2015 13:14

"Any long-term solutions?
Parents could accept that their child's classroom education is far more important than a week in Europe, no matter how many museums they visit. That's especially true for young children: the evidence is unanimous that early-years education is vital for future attainment."

From the guardian.

And I've never been to disneyland but I wouldnt have thought that there are many museums

Maybe a Goofy one

gamerchick · 19/03/2015 13:15

This threads weird.

Let the bairn choose.. If she's able to go.

Personally if someone wanted to take my bairn on holiday and it meant a child free birthday I would do hand springs. People are nuts

SoonToBeSix · 19/03/2015 13:15

Do people seriously think nine year olds do much actual learning in December?
I think your dh sounds like a great dad. He quite rightly doesn't want any of his dc to miss out on a special trip.

lemonhope · 19/03/2015 13:16

its not nuts to not want your child to miss 2 weeks of school

its nuts to expect a 9 year old to choose between her dads new family and her mums wishes

all so two adults (lets face it the 3 yr old and 6 month old are not going to give a tuppeny fuck where they are) can watch the Frozen parade

Dowser · 19/03/2015 13:19

Isn't she?

Missed that. I though stepdaughter lived with mum

Jackieharris · 19/03/2015 13:22

I honestly don't get why dsd needs to be in the UK on her mums birthday.

Surely it's usually on a school day and nothing special?

Why isn't dsd's mum seeing this as a fab opportunity for a birthday blow out with no DC for 2 weeks?

I don't remember any of my mums birthdays growing up. They were just another day, with a card in the morning.

I don't spend my birthdays with my DCs- if I get the chance I go out with my friends.

lemonhope · 19/03/2015 13:23

"Why isn't dsd's mum seeing this as a fab opportunity for a birthday blow out with no DC for 2 weeks?"

jesus

thank god I live in a parallel universe to the majority of people on this thread

ticklemonster123 · 19/03/2015 13:23

It's an awful lot of money to spend on a holiday that isn't what you really want.
You've been to Disney many times, you didn't want to go just for the sake of going to Disney, you want to go to experience at Christmas. If it's just the same holiday as you've had many times before then is it really worth spending thousands of pounds on it? I'm not saying it's not, but if I was spending all that money I'd want it to be perfect.

I'd give her the choice. Her mum is an adult, surely she's old enough to manage without her DD on her birthday?