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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want DM to see baby before MIL?

386 replies

lillamyy1 · 19/03/2015 07:49

Our first baby's due in a few weeks and DH has just told me that as soon as I go into labour, MIL is going to drive down (she lives a couple of hours away) and be on hand for if he "needs support" Hmm and also to drive us home afterwards and go shopping for anything we might need etc.
She doesn't want to actually be at the birth or anything, but I don't really want her to be at the hospital at all, I just want my own DM to be there and to be the one to help out in the first couple of days. I also really want my DM to be the first to see the baby and I don't know how that can happen if MIL is lurking about at the hospital during the birth. My DM can't drive so she'll be relying on buses, and I know that's what DH will say if I tell him I want her to be the one helping.
I don't know MIL well enough to have her around straight after the birth, AIBU to just want my own DM there? And how can I explain this to DH/MIL?
Also it's her first grandchild whereas my sisters have already had several kids so DH seems to think that it's somehow more important to MIL that to DM.

OP posts:
Jessica2point0 · 19/03/2015 11:43

The OP is perfectly entitled to not want to see anyone in the short space of time after a traumatic event. If she only wants her DM there that is her choice. If she didn't even want her DH there that would be her choice. Thank goodness midwives are more respectful of women in childbirth than the posters on here!

OP, when you get to hospital, the staff there will only allow visitors you are happy to have. You might find you want lots of visitors, or you might find you want none. You have EVERY right to decide exactly who you want to see and when you want to see them.

If your DH can't understand that birth is a VERY different experience for the mum than the dad, he really needs to grow up and learn some biology.

If he insists that he won't respect your wishes, you don't have to respect his either. Seriously consider not telling him and having your DM with you instead. You do not need that additional stress of people you don't want hanging around the hospital.

BarbarianMum · 19/03/2015 11:44

He's an idiot but if she wants to sit in the cafe for 24 hours at a stretch let her. More to the point, do you think he's going to try and insist on access after the baby's arrived (he can't, but you may not feel like arguing with him at that point)? Equally, does he then have any stupid ideas about popping out to see how she's doing?

We told both mums when I went into labour w ds1 and really wished we hadn't. Just meant they both spent a sleepless night and most of the next day waiting and worrying by the phone Sad.

Names can wait. See how the baby looks. You may both have to compromise of a third name but it doesn't have to be now.

OP is this really about whose mum gets to see baby first?

GatoradeMeBitch · 19/03/2015 11:49

This sounds horrible for you OP, I'm so sorry. You have enough to think about without worrying about your DH sprinting off to call his mother as soon as you feel your first contraction! And what kind of support is he going to need really? Is he going to be disappearing for pep talks, meals and soothing whale music while you're left alone? I agree with whoever said the the role of the father in these situations is to be the support, they can't do anything else! I can see that having someone to run out and pay parking tickets and buy snacks could be handy, but what else can his DM do?

And I think people are very U for saying you're selfish to want your DM there first. Frankly, it doesn't sound like you're in a fantastic supportive relationship, and I can see why you would want special time with someone close to you after giving birth.

You may have to let this one go. You'll be vulnerable and in no position to argue and it seems like your DH will use that to bulldoze you. Just remember that after the baby is born you can spend as much time with your DM as the two of you want to arrange, and that will be the special time you remember. I was in such a daze after having DS, I wouldn't have taken much notice if the Queen had walked in to visit us!

Bambambini · 19/03/2015 11:49

Polly - that's a shame. We live 400 miles away from both sets of GPs. I really hurt my mum as she was expecting to be down staying for the birth but I wanted just a few days in my home with the baby and husband muddling through before any visitors came to stay with us. I would love to have what my siblings and friends had had. Family being able to pop round to the hospital or to our house to see the baby but bugger off to their own homes agian.

I'm still very sad that i upset her though, I just didn't see a way of managing both of our wishes.

CactusAnnie · 19/03/2015 11:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bambambini · 19/03/2015 11:52

And about support, I'd say it was really normal for lots of support from family. This new way of just the mum andy her husband being in their own and doing it all themselves is really new and quite unusual.

GatoradeMeBitch · 19/03/2015 11:59

This new way of just the mum andy her husband being in their own and doing it all themselves is really new and quite unusual.

New since when? Do you mean when compared to the 17th/18th century? Grin

It's not that long ago that no-one was allowed in with the mother apart from hospital staff and fathers had to wait outside. But this trend of the support needing support at the hospital is a new thing, and I hope it doesn't progress too far, there will be entire families camped out in corridors so no-one's feelings get hurt. But considering most hospitals now charge for parking I can see that it would be useful to have someone monitoring the meters if nothing else.

Onelittlepiglet · 19/03/2015 12:01

I had a similar experience to Polly but only a few days not two weeks! Mil was completely over bearing and her idea of 'helping' was taking the baby off me (usually mid breastfeed) and expecting me to wait on her hand and foot. Our relationship has not recovered five years later.

Both grandmas are equally important of course but unless you arrange for them to see the baby at the same time, one of them will always see the baby first,

Mil saw my dc1 first and my mum got to see dc2 (actually saw her being born although that was not planned!). In the scheme of things it doesn't matter, but it does matter what you want straight after giving birth. Don't let anyone tell you how you should be feeling or what you should do - I wish I had stood up for myself more and given myself some time to rest and heal before well-meaning but interfering relatives started to appear.

Good luck op.

MonstrousRatbag · 19/03/2015 12:14

Your DH might be more open to altering the arrnagement if you argue its flaws from MIL's point of view.

Your MIL waiting in the hospital cafe downstairs is a terrible idea, for her as well as you. You don't know how long it will take or how it will go. MIL could be stuck there feeling worried and fed up for ages. DH will be distracted, worried about MIL downstairs. That might chees you off. It makes more sense all round for MIL to set off once the baby has arrived.

I think give and take comes in here. Accept MIL's involvement in some things but not others. The more she and your DH fear MIL is going to be sidelined, the more likely they are to foist on you things you don't want.

Would DH agree to no MIL in the delivery room however long things go on for? You do not want her there when you get home from hospital, at least for the first 48 hours? You are more likely to get agreement on those things if MIL is being welcomed in for a first short visit right after the birth.

Your husband is very wrong in his attitude to this. But all the more reason to try and make your MIL an ally for you rather than an enemy.

OwlCapone · 19/03/2015 12:24

Well, I am also a mother of a son, and I am STILL able to completely understand that a woman who has just given birth wants her own mother around, not her husband's mother.

She also specifically wants her mother to see the baby before her MIL.

That is the sort of thing I find dreadful as the mother of sons. The implication that the MIL is somehow second rate.

OwlCapone · 19/03/2015 12:27

WRT the name, you both have to accept that your favourite choice is off the table and find a different one.

PontyGirl · 19/03/2015 12:30

if that's what you want OP, then do it.

sleepyhead · 19/03/2015 12:31

I know it's already been suggested, but can't your MIL help your DM out with lifts etc?

I agree, having her waiting in the cafe is just daft. What a waste of her time but she could be handy to have around to drop anything off that you've forgotten, bring in decent food if things take ages, and go to give your mum a lift to the hospital once your baby is born.

PontyGirl · 19/03/2015 12:34

oh and BTW, you can dictate whatever the hell you want because you are the one giving birth. I would've told him where to go when he said that. it's an experience unlike any other and one that you have to deal with the repercussions of for weeks if not months after (I'm talking healing, not your lovely newborn)

damn right you should get to dictate something in this scenario. your partner sounds like a plonker.

workhouse · 19/03/2015 12:37

I can accept that my daughter will in all probability want me around in preference to her MIL in the very early days of childbirth, just as I can accept that inevitably my sons partner will want her own mother and I will have to take a back seat. It's just life I'm afraid, and those of you with only sons, my advice is to accept it with good grace and you will have wonderful relationships with your grandchildren, and DILs, all through their lives.

CactusAnnie · 19/03/2015 12:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ApocalypseThen · 19/03/2015 12:38

Personally, I'd be wondering whether to tell that eejit I'm in labour.

CoffeeChocolateWine · 19/03/2015 12:38

He actually turned it into an argument and told me that I can't use the fact that I'm the one giving birth to try and control every aspect of it and dictate who is and isn't there.

OP that's awful. Your DH should be trying to make these last few weeks as relaxing and stress-free as possible, not giving you extra things to worry and stress about. And he's wrong, you can dictate who is and isn't there...you can tell him you don't want him there if you really want to. It is your birth (or you child's actually but you know what I mean!)

CactusAnnie, I am completely with you. I have a son too and if/when the day comes that his partner gives birth, I would absolutely be respectful of the fact that she might want to spend those first special moments with her own mother rather than me. Although as I've already said in a pp I don't agree with a visitor order.

LulaMayBrown · 19/03/2015 12:39

I've not read the full thread, but I'd just like to comment on the ideas that DH/DPs are there to support the mum and shouldn't need support themselves during labour.

I'd like to call bullshit on this idea because of my experience. I had an emergency during labour which meant went from having a fairly normal labour to having a crash general anaesthetic and C-section in about 5 minutes flat.

Because I was bleeding so badly and my DS oxygen was dropping fast my poor DH literally didn't know if one or both of us would survive. He said he's never been so terrified in his life. Thank goodness my DMIL and DM were in the waiting room to support him. I was fine because I wasn't awake (!) but he was out of his brains with worry.

I'm not saying there should be backup at all times, I'm just saying that this attitude of 'men should be men and how dare they need support' is pretty sad.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 19/03/2015 12:39

OP, you and your DH need to learn to pull together FAST. You need to be able to work well together once the baby arrives, and all the way through the babies childhood years, teenage years, etc...

You've got to be able to listen to each other, negotiate and compromise as necessary. And be kind to each other. No scoring points off each other.

While it sounds like both of you need to work on this, it does sound like your DH might have more work on this than you...

LulaMayBrown · 19/03/2015 12:41

Oh and i think treating a MIL differently to a DM is doing a complete disservice to equality. The baby is just as much a DH's child as it is a DM's. Unless there is animosity then there should be equality in this. Anything else is just petty and makes me worried for all mums of sons as we'll be second class citizens.

Cheby · 19/03/2015 12:48

These threads drive me crazy. Yes, as long as the relationships are positive then both sets of grandparents are equally important to the baby in the long term.

But at the birth and in the first few days afterwards, the feelings of the person giving birth and/or possibly having major abdominal surgery absolutely come first. The baby will still be there in a week. But in those first few days I needed looking after and the best person to help my DH with that was my DM. Not my MIL. Plus OP's mum will be worried about her child, going through such a life altering and potentially dangerous experience.

YANBU OP.

AlPacinosHooHaa · 19/03/2015 12:48

There are plus and minus to being a man and woman and whilst baby is both, that baby has just been carried by that mum, that mums life is at risk giving birth, it her body that has gone through labour or op, and its that mother who should therefore be allowed to say who she wants there.

She doesnt want mil there, she doesnt have that relationship with her mil ( many do though) she wants her mum.

so the choice given has been, well op, your dh needs support so either have his mum have prefernece due to her having a car Confused and being able to get there first, cutting out ops mum OR, sorry op, cut both mums out, meaning you dont get support from your mum, so dh mum not cut out.

but under no circs, give your own poor mum, precedence when its YOUR MUM who could loose a DD as well as a GC!

sorry to be dramatic about labour, but I am sorry, its dangerous and worrying till its all over!

AlPacinosHooHaa · 19/03/2015 12:52

cactus

I had my in-laws up within a day of my first child being born. They didn't stay with us, but were there (against our wishes) from early morning to late evening every day. They caused problems between me and my husband that nearly ended our relationship and caused us months of grief.

Same here their presence at hosp hours after birth, their behaviour afterwards nearly cost us our marriage too, they turned the most amazing day of my life into a horror story that I can never forgive them for.

I would never ever barge in on a woman in such a manner I do not have sons but would never barge in on a woman just given birth and take over like that and make it all about ME.

LucilleBluth · 19/03/2015 12:53

CactusAnnie you are massively projecting.

Op it's not to to exclude MIL, as you are about to find out mothers love their sons just as much as their daughters, it's a strong, passionate, all consuming love. My eldest is only 13 and I hope he meets someone and his happy.......but I will always want to be in his life....that goes for both of my DSs and my DD.

Utilise her, send her on errands etc......get her and your mum together!