To want DM to see baby before MIL?

[lillamyy1]

Our first baby's due in a few weeks and DH has just told me that as soon as I go into labour, MIL is going to drive down (she lives a couple of hours away) and be on hand for if he "needs support" and also to drive us home afterwards and go shopping for anything we might need etc.
She doesn't want to actually be at the birth or anything, but I don't really want her to be at the hospital at all, I just want my own DM to be there and to be the one to help out in the first couple of days. I also really want my DM to be the first to see the baby and I don't know how that can happen if MIL is lurking about at the hospital during the birth. My DM can't drive so she'll be relying on buses, and I know that's what DH will say if I tell him I want her to be the one helping.
I don't know MIL well enough to have her around straight after the birth, AIBU to just want my own DM there? And how can I explain this to DH/MIL?
Also it's her first grandchild whereas my sisters have already had several kids so DH seems to think that it's somehow more important to MIL that to DM.

Just spotted your update OP.

I think you need to sit down with your DH and talk about how labour works, maybe even with your midwife. You need to be completely relaxed and comfortable for things to progress, for your body to produce oxytocin and your contractions to build you need to feel safe and secure. If you don't feel comfortable because you are worried about your MIL hanging around, then your labour won't progress smoothly.

I think you need to reassure your DH that you want his mum involved with the baby but that the birth really is all about you, because you're the only one who can do it, and he needs to listen to your choices.

If he refuses, then I would give some serious consideration as to whether he is a supportive birth partner himself, or whether someone else might be better.

Op, how long does it take your mum to get to you?

Perhaps she can get to you in time to come in pretty soon after the birth.

Let's face it, if MIL is there supporting her son, what are the chances that she'd go home without seeing the baby?

Lula, I don't think many people are saying 'men should be men and how dare they need support'. I think most people (myself included) are saying that the support they get should not be more important that the needs of the mother in this particular incidence.

Saying "mothers need more support than fathers during childbirth" is categorically not the same thing as saying "fathers don't need support in childbirth".

If my DP was in hospital (or whatever reason) and only wanted his mum to visit and not mine, I'd completely understand and get any support I needed away from the hospital. The person who is actually in hospital for medical reasons is the person who's wishes come first.

Most men (certainly the ones I know IRL) are perfectly capable of understanding that childbirth affects the mother far more than it does the father, that it can be scary thing (particularly if you haven't done it before), and would put their partner's needs ahead of their own.

I understand what you're saying Jessica. I just found there were quite a few posts that felt like men shouldn't need support at all. In fairness, my circumstances were pretty extreme and i'm not saying everyone should have a family pack waiting in the wings to mop a DH's brow (that would be a tad silly). I'd just say not to dismiss that men can need support, as mine did.

I agree with you op, he's not allowing free discussion and coming with a compromise that suits both of you. I personally would not want either dh or MIL there, they can come after the baby has been born and your both at home. Some Mumsnetters I heard, gave birth alone with just the Midwives, and they found it more stressfree and easier than trying to please a partner too. Let your MIL sit in the cafe, she will soon get bored, I had a 2 day labour in hospital.

And i'm not saying they are more important than the needs of the mother - of course that would be ridiculous. I'm saying that the men's needs shouldn't be dismissed out of hand.

OP, Call your MIL and tell her you don't want her sitting at the cafe while you're in labour. Tell her it will make you feel as though you need to get a shift on, and generally make you feel stressed. Tell her she'll get a call when the baby's been born and you can then make plans for Baby X to meet his/her granny. Then tell your DH that's what you've done.

Be clear about what it is you want and stop allowing other people to make plans on your behalf.

And with the name, it's clear both of you should drop the names the other doesn't like and come to an agreement about a name that you BOTH like, or at least don't dislike.

Lula, I do understand that men might need support in an emergency situation. My dad was left alone with a brand new baby (his first) while my mum whisked off for emergency surgery following birth and was convinced mum had died. I can see that the DH in this case might want his DM nearby just in case, but I don't see why it has to be at the hospital.

The DH's insistence that his and his DM's needs override the OP's in this case is quite shocking.

Definitely not saying a MIL should be on site! Perhaps could wait at home 'on call' or whatever.
Yes, the OPs wishes for who is there at the hospital for birth is paramount. I wanted my DM in with me in the labour room (although half way through I wished she wasn't there because my yells were more like porno groans - ) and wouldn't have wanted my MIL there.

But I don't get the competition for 'who gets to see the baby first'. Surely it should be whoever is there first?

I've tried to explain to DH how I feel but he's insisting on telling MIL when I first go into labour and on her waiting in the hospital cafe throughout. He actually turned it into an argument and told me that I can't use the fact that I'm the one giving birth to try and control every aspect of it and dictate who is and isn't there

Yes, you can, OP. Is he aware that you can also refuse to have him there? I don't mean you should use that as a threat to him - but really, his role is minor. You are the one giving birth, and you're the one who needs support and calm. I am increasingly disturbed by this idea that childbirth is some kind of performance art where people vie for the best seats.

I'm a mother-in-law granny (if you know what I mean) and as it happened, I did see my grandchildren first. This was purely because in two cases, the dils' mothers were ill (I would have wanted them to go in first), and in the other case, because the baby was discharged after a few hours and the other grandparent lived a day's journey away. I didn't expect to go straight to the hospital; I waited until they asked - and yet, we have a close, loving relationship. You can have a warm relationship with family and still treat each other with respect.

Giving birth is a hugely emotional experience and where there's a decent relationship, I'd expect a woman to want her own mother around. As for people hanging around hospital cafes...words fail me. Does your DH plan to run in and out, giving her updates?

Your DH needs to learn that on this occasion, it isn't about him, or his mother. There is plenty of time for everyone to meet the baby when you're relaxed enough to welcome them, whenever that may be.

I'd opt for calling both mums after baby is here.

It may well take time - sitting in the café works if you are in labour for a few hours but not days. Café wont be 24 hours.

My waters went Sunday. I was admitted Tues. Texted/called to let everyone know I was being induced Weds afternoon. Long story short I had DD the morning after but she was born with a serious disability that had been missed on scans and neither I or DH could call anyone til Thurs afternoon. By then people were frantic and thought one or both of us had died.

Much better to get a call after in hindsight.

"he's insisting on telling MIL when I first go into labour and on her waiting in the hospital cafe throughout. He actually turned it into an argument and told me that I can't use the fact that I'm the one giving birth to try and control every aspect of it and dictate who is and isn't there"

OP, this is appalling behaviour from your DH and the absolute opposite is true. This is an experience that very much happens to YOUR body, and it is YOUR choice who is in the room during and after it.

What is the point of her hanging around in the cafe? I am now very concerned that your DH is going to try to introduce this woman into the actual room during the event when your guard is down and you can't say no!

Bloody hell WhatsGoingON that's totally uncalled for! OP sounds stressed to the 9s, not controlling.

What a disgusting post, WhatsGoingOn. Calling a pregnant woman an ungrateful cow! Have you read the OP's updates? Both her MIL and DH sound very controlling and as though neither of them care about her wishes at all. Yesterday you call her MIL 'lovely'?
you should be ashamed of yourself.

Sorry, should be 'yet' not yesterday. Bloody autocorrect...

"Your lovely MIL wants to be there to support/help her own son,"

It's not just about that though, is it?

She's also likely to want to see the baby not long after it's born which means seeing OP not long after she's given birth.

Much as I have found my MIL difficult to get on with over the years, she did appreciate that her desire to see her first GC was not more important than my husband & I having time together or me having a chance to rest/shower before being able to face anyone other than my husband/parents.

Even though she perhaps wouldn't have minded seeing me straightaway, that wasn't the point!

Whats, refusing offers of help is absolutely fine. It isn't help if it makes the person feel worse. Ignoring your DIL's wishes while she is giving birth is NOT lovely.

The OP has never said that she doesn't want her DH seeing his mum, just that she doesn't want to see the woman herself in the first few hours after childbirth. It is NOT controlling to choose who you want to see yourself. Insisting that your wife sees people, even when she doesn't want to, IS controlling.

This thread is really making me see how many MIL-from-hell there actually are!

YANBU.
I found my DM to be a huge support when I had my babies. She was there at the birth of my first baby (split with father when pregnant) and she was the best birthing partner ever.
I wanted it to be just me and DH there at the birth of my second baby, I would have quite liked her there but wanted it to be an intimate moment for DH and I to share. So the next best thing was that she was there straight after. She got to the hospital about 20 mins after she was born. There's no way I would have allowed anybody else there at that point, I was still half naked, covered in blood and having skin to skin with baby.
But my own DM had seen it all before so I was fine with her being there.
I didn't want other people visiting until a few hours later after I'd got cleaned up and made myself look half human again.
I also wanted DS to made his sister before other people did.

I'd just explain to your DH that you want to enjoy it all with just him and you don't want people turning up until you've had time to spend some time alone, just you, DH & baby.

Mother of four boys here and if I am lucky enough to become a grandma and mil I will wait for my dil to invite me. I won't be insisting on visiting rights to grandbaby when she has just given birth! I will understand that she may need tine to recover, that she is likely to be feeling sore and fragile and hormonal and as such vulnerable.

I will be happy to offer food deliveries of home made stuff etc but basically I will respect dil wishes about what she wants in those emotional filled days after birth.

And no I wouldn't sit at a hospital whilst anyone was in labour my own dd or a dil unless the WOMAN IN LABOUR specifically asked me to!

Yes the father may need support but no he doesn't get to insist on having someone at the hospital to support him. The woman is the patient, she decides on that. If the man needs support he can phone someone etc.

Fwiw after ds1 my mil and other relatives of dps came to hospital first, his mum was lovely. Brought me a gift and that was fine, yhe other relatives whilst lovely were people I hadn't really met before. I was in considerable pain due to spd,and stitches etc trying to bfeed and basically found it overwhelming. I excused myself to go to the bathroom and a midwife saw me crying, she knew straight away what the problem was! And asked visitors except dp to leave so I could rest. Only they insisted on taking dp with them for the rest of the say, out for a meal and shopping etc, so I was left on my own.

With no 2. Mil watched ds1 and came to hospital bringing ds1. Once home same relatives turned up asap and stayed til late at night.

With ds3 my dad watched other kids, he saw ds3 first as I came home asap after birth. We then asked other visitors to wait a few days, it was Xmas time as well. My mum and mil waited few days and then cane and we're fine with that.

Ds4 a friend watched kids, I don't remember who visited and when!

Dd my mum watched kids and nipped to hospital very briefly to see Me and dd. Other family came once we were home over a week or so?

Labour and early post natal period are about the mother,she has just gone through birth and is recovering. Her needs are paramount.

If my dp was ill the idea that I would demand to have support at the hospital and once he was home recovering... Laughable. We would do what dp needed to feel most comfortable.

CactusAnnie have you that the reason the mother of the father feels they might be excluded because people like the OP say they want their mother to see the baby first. Whycreate a pecking order like that? And you say the mother's mother is more important at first. Who to? The mother or the baby because it is the baby the grandmother will want to see, I am sure she would be happy to see DIL if she wants to but that isn't the point is it. It is her sons baby every bit as much as the mothers. If the mother doesn't want to see people what is to stop her husband/partner taking the baby out to the waiting room to meet granny, and I know people will start saying they can't be parted from the baby for a minute but you know what she will go and have a bath even visit the loo which could easily take as long as granny saying hello to baby.

As far as I am aware hospital cafe/cafeteria whatever is a public place and patients don't get to choose who is allowed to sit in them.

When I went from a lovely water birth using hypnotherapy to an emergency c-section my DH could certainly have done with some emotional support whilst I was rushed to theatre. Up to that point we thought we didn't want or need anyone else at the birth or even close by. But poor DH (a tough-talking, very rational guy usually a) thought he would lose us and was on the phone to his DM who drove 3.5 hours down to London immediately? She was a rock for him and me both.

BsshBosh I had a similar experience, my husband told me that when they grabbed my bed and started running the midwife looked over her shoulder and shouted to him, "Baby needs to come now." And then he was just left standing alone in a room thinking we were both probably dead. When he saw the midwife walking back towards him a few minutes later he thought that was what she had come to tell him, then he saw she was pulling a crib with his first baby in it. I really didn't need any support as I was asleep but he was in a real state.