To want DM to see baby before MIL?

[lillamyy1]

Our first baby's due in a few weeks and DH has just told me that as soon as I go into labour, MIL is going to drive down (she lives a couple of hours away) and be on hand for if he "needs support" and also to drive us home afterwards and go shopping for anything we might need etc.
She doesn't want to actually be at the birth or anything, but I don't really want her to be at the hospital at all, I just want my own DM to be there and to be the one to help out in the first couple of days. I also really want my DM to be the first to see the baby and I don't know how that can happen if MIL is lurking about at the hospital during the birth. My DM can't drive so she'll be relying on buses, and I know that's what DH will say if I tell him I want her to be the one helping.
I don't know MIL well enough to have her around straight after the birth, AIBU to just want my own DM there? And how can I explain this to DH/MIL?
Also it's her first grandchild whereas my sisters have already had several kids so DH seems to think that it's somehow more important to MIL that to DM.

I've only skimmed the thread. I wouldn't want anyone hanging around the hospital while I was in labour, whether biological family or ILs, so I simply wouldn't tell anyone I was in labour. Your husband will be busy supporting you, and shouldn't have to worry about his mother left alone in a waiting room while you're labouring. Tell everyone after the baby is born and give your mother money for a cab, so she's not faffing about on public transport. Let both grandmothers have a roughly simultaneous view of the baby, and then have your mother around for support. Any reasonable human being will grasp that a vulnerable, newly delivered mother might want her closest female relative around, but might also legitimately want to see their new grandchild.

"I wouldn't expect any of it to be about me."

This, really.

Everyone jockeying for their rightful positions, it's pathetic, the mother and baby are the only ones that matter here, their well being, mental and otherwise, is all that matters.

polly. That's really wrong.

Mumsnet seems really strange and alien to me sometimes-cold and cut off and nothing like life I grew up with.

This ^^ absolutely.

Fortunately though, it resembles real life less and less each day for me.

Is your sil on mn/aibu too op?! Very similar thread about a m2b who wants to prioritise her dm spending time with new gc over mil.
YABU. Why do you get to have your dm there but your dh doesn't get to have his dm there just because your dm gave birth to you? It should be all or nothing.

Oh dear polly

I can understand the not wanting your MIL at the hospital...I wouldn't have wanted anyone other than my DH at the hospital when giving birth. Your DH should be giving his 100% attention to you at that time, not dividing it between you and your MIL! Fortunately it didn't enter either DM or MIL's head to come to the hospital.

However, if they had I would have wanted it to be my DM not MIL...because when you are in hospital giving birth it's about you and your needs rather than the baby's. It's a massive milestone in a woman's life to give birth to their first child (I'm not saying that becoming a father isn't, but the woman obviously has to go through the physical pain and the emotional rollercoaster) so I think it's only natural that you would want support from your own mum rather than your MIL. And it's a beautiful thing to share it with the person who gave birth to you. I'm not saying that your mother has more rights to their grandchild than your MIL, but I do think that your wants and needs trump your husband's at this time.

However, after the baby has been born it doesn't matter. Your wants don't trump your husband's then and it's about the baby not you. Plus it really really doesn't matter who meets the baby first...it will make no difference ot you or your baby's life! With both my babies my husband's family met them first and it didn't matter to me at all.

Albert my second post wasn't about the OP, it was about the 'Others'...

Kindly stop telling people to read the thread. They need only pick out the OP's posts.

polly that is so sad and that is why I am worried for the Op. I get the whole pecking order thing has clouded the issue but so many people saying to the OP YABU, let the MIL stay etc. Last heard the OP admitted she was BU (I don't think she was) and probably feels completely harassed and stressed in to letting someone be around post birth who she doesn't even know very well. This could affect how she looks back on her post-birth experience forever. All because of some strangers on an Internet forum.

OP, please don't feel bullied in to having anybody stay that you don't want. You must put your foot down with your DH, it isn't about him and him 'needing his mum'. Visitors for a short while yes. Guests overnight, no, or only of your choice..

"I don't know MIL well enough to have her around straight after the birth, AIBU to just want my own DM there?"

I think this is really about timescales. It is completely and utterly reasonable to say that during or just after labour, you only want your mother there and that you are uncomfortable with your MIL being involved. This is about your wellbeing and your experience, and the welfare of the baby - having the stress of people you feel less than fully comfortable with hanging around is not going to help.

However, I think it would be gracious and nice if you then saw MIL fairly soon - when you feel up to it. This might be a few hours after labour, or the next day.

I would really avoid anyone knowing you were in labour. My dad and stepmum happened to be nearby when I went in to labour, they are normally 6hrs away. Seeing as they were so close we told them I was in labour and not to go home (they were due to go home the next day) and they ended up hanging round the town and hospital, pestering my DH for updates via text and trying to get in to the ward. My DH found it hugely stressful and was trying to keep it all from me (luckily the hospital told them in no uncertain terms to go away!).

As for your mum seeing the baby first YABU as I am glad to see you have realised, both grandmothers have equal status. My dad saw ds1 first, mil saw ds2 first. It never occurred to me to have a preference over which set saw either baby first, but then I have a great relationship with MIL and no mother since I was a child so I generally do not understand mother/daughter relationships.

I agree YABU, unless mil has done something terrible to you then why wouldn't you want her help?

When I was having dcs I asked mil to be at their birth as that is what ex dp wanted (thank god she didn't want to).
It ended up just being my dm at the birth and after I had them myself dcs and dm all stayed with mil they both helped me and both have amazing relationships with my dcs.
So I think it's a little unfair to say that you don't want her around and my advice would be to take her help as you will certainly need it even if it is just a lift home from the hospital.

YABU and peevish.
You might be glad of your MIL after the birth when you're sore, tired and up to your fanny in nappies.
I hope it always stays fine for you.

Polly, that made me really sad reading your post. How awful

OP, how does your husband feel about your mum moving in for a couple of days to help out?

Is this his way of trying to make things "fair"?

Ie your mum stays for a few days & his sees baby straight away & drives you home?

It all just sounds so odd to me.

I know that either my mum or MIL would have come to help if necessary.

But it was very much on a "we'll see how things go & let you know" basis.

I suppose if your mum is quite a distance away then they staying with you has to happen.

But maybe your husband would like to see how it goes & have a few days of just the three of you first?

But it's about personal preference! You wanted help, I, like many others wanted to time to bond as a family alone. It would have been no help to me to have a woman I barely knew, stressing me out in my house when, quite frankly all I wanted to do was sit with my boobs out crying! OP does not have to have MiL there!

It's worth considering that a slightly overbearing MIL or DM for that matter might be a bit of a godsend if things don't go to plan

I was in labour for 2 days, then EMCS, and in hospital for another 4 days before discharge [in the UK]. Baby was early so we were not set up at all at home. Visiting hours were v restrictive so DH could only come for short durations and I was getting sod all sleep in the hospital.

Mil [who can be a bit of a pita on occasion, but nobody is perfect and don't get me started on my own] who I generally get on quite well with; got the nursery sorted with DH, waited in for deliveries, shopped, cleaned out the fridge, did all the batch cooking I'd planned to do on my non-existent pre birth mat leave, and delivered home cooked lunches and dinners to the hospital so I didn't have to survive on the utterly dire hospital food.

We'd had to call her while I was still in labour as the cot/pram etc were due to be delivered and there was no-one at home to meet the delivery. So she was at the hospital at 4am when I was eventually wheeled away to surgery, and she stayed with our DD while DH ran back and forth between recovery where I was, and the room that DD was in. I think she stayed another 48 hrs after I was discharged and then left us to it. All DH wanted to do was hold DD when I wasn't feeding her, so again she bustled around and generally made our lives easier at a time when I could barely climb the stairs.

My own parents came to visit from overseas for a week a few weeks later and expected to be waited on hand and foot...... they couldn't be more different!

She's also fond of turning up and gifting us unwanted furniture that she can't seem to bring herself to ditch. Could murder her for that If you spend enough time on MN though, you'll probably consider yourself blessed in the MIL department soon enough.

I think asking her to pick up your mum is a cracking idea. Both of them will probably be arriving with a ton of baby stuff that you'll have to be tactful about

Best of luck !!

I would have loved my mother to be there when our daughter was born. But events* conspired to make that impossible. So when my mother-in-law asked if she could be there for the birth of her first grandchild I said yes.

Poor Lucky FIL was left in the waiting room while my husband and his mother were in the room listening to me shouting and swearing.

*Distance and the fact the she wasn't itching to be there but would have if I'd asked her. But then my disabled father had heart attack a month before the birth and Mum didn't want to leave him.

I just wanted to say that I completely understand where you are coming from. My own (lovely) MIL actually insisted that my mum come up and see the baby first, even though I didn't feel strongly either way. After giving birth (by EMCS) having my mum around was very important, for emotional support and because I felt I could just be myself, cry, look awful etc. and she wouldn't care at all. So I think YANBU.

I read the OP as 'in the first immediate hours having just given birth I don't want to be laying exposed and vulnerable and in a mess and emotionally everywhere in front of someone I don't know that well, I want my mum.' With MiL not unwelcome or second class granny at all, just someone the OP wants to be presentable for before her first visit because they don't have that kind of intimate relationship. That doesn't seem in the slightest bit U.

I'm never sure about the 'father needs support too' thing - I'm not unsympathetic that it's a huge and very emotional and possibly quite traumatic day for fathers to be too, however we're only a couple of decades into men being present at the birth to support their wives, rather than be at home being supported by their mum/friends/family while he waits. I wonder how long it'll be before a thread appears about 'I'm supporting my friend at hospital who's supporting her son who's supporting his wife while she gives birth to their first - this is a really hard and traumatic day for me! AIBU to bring my aunt's friend's donkey for my emotional support??'

OP you don't have to do the objectively 'right' thing - how that day goes for you will be very much affected by how you feel and how comfortable and relaxed you are with who is around, you need to do what works for you.

Thanks for the feedback. I've tried to explain to DH how I feel but he's insisting on telling MIL when I first go into labour and on her waiting in the hospital cafe throughout. He actually turned it into an argument and told me that I can't use the fact that I'm the one giving birth to try and control every aspect of it and dictate who is and isn't there.

As an aside, we can't agree on a name either (we each have one favourite an don't like each other's choice), and now I'm terrified about trying to have that discussion with him.

I think part of the problem is that the OP has been presented with a "this is what is going to happen" situation. She is the one giving birth therefore she should be consulted not told.

Awful memories here of an overbearing MIL but now, as the mother of grown up/almost grown up sons, I can imagine how awful it would be to be seen as the less important grandma.

I totally sympathise with the OP though - of course she wants her own mum with her.

She's going to sit in the cafe for 12-24 hours? Why does our DH think that is preferable to her sitting at home?

What does he think his mum's going to actually be doing while you're in labour? Just sitting there alone? Or does he think he's going to be regularly popping down to see her? If the latter, tell him you'd like a birthing partner who'll actually be there to focus on and support you throughout, so you may as well take your DM in instead If the latter... why does he think that's a good idea?!

Re. the names - sounds like you may both have to ditch the favourites. DH and I had the same situation.

If the former*, that second one should say.