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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want DM to see baby before MIL?

386 replies

lillamyy1 · 19/03/2015 07:49

Our first baby's due in a few weeks and DH has just told me that as soon as I go into labour, MIL is going to drive down (she lives a couple of hours away) and be on hand for if he "needs support" Hmm and also to drive us home afterwards and go shopping for anything we might need etc.
She doesn't want to actually be at the birth or anything, but I don't really want her to be at the hospital at all, I just want my own DM to be there and to be the one to help out in the first couple of days. I also really want my DM to be the first to see the baby and I don't know how that can happen if MIL is lurking about at the hospital during the birth. My DM can't drive so she'll be relying on buses, and I know that's what DH will say if I tell him I want her to be the one helping.
I don't know MIL well enough to have her around straight after the birth, AIBU to just want my own DM there? And how can I explain this to DH/MIL?
Also it's her first grandchild whereas my sisters have already had several kids so DH seems to think that it's somehow more important to MIL that to DM.

OP posts:
Stinkersmum · 19/03/2015 10:06

TurtleRabbitChicken if my DH was in surgery, yes, my job is to support him. And my DM would see it as her job to support me if I needed it - even if it was just emotionally. Do you all secretly hate you're DHs/DPs/PILs????

ApocalypseThen · 19/03/2015 10:07

ApocalypseThen just because he would like his mother there for him for one of the most important events of his life, you turn that into him trying to be the centre of attention? Honestly? How sad and cynical of you.

Well I see it as a basic issue of respect for women. Childbirth isn't a spectator sport or some kind of thrill seeking experience - it's actually quite serious and women need serious support rather than people who are just there for the ride and who's focus is on how they feel about it and what kind of an experience it was for them. In pregnancy and childbirth, the woman doing it comes first. This rush to make it all about men and what they feel really takes the focus away from where it needs to be. Which is, of course, the point.

Writerwannabe83 · 19/03/2015 10:07

My friend had a very difficult labour and was ultimately rushed to theatre for an EMCS as the baby was in extreme distress. Her DH said he had never felt so scared in his life as he saw her be wheeled away at lightning speed not knowing if his wife or baby was going to die or maybe both. It was 5 years ago now and he still struggles to talk about it.

As soon as his wife was rushed away he phoned his mom and she came straight over to the hospital to be with him.

Anyone who thinks a man in that situation shouldn't want or need support are frankly quite cruel.

Men have feelings too and they get scared too.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 19/03/2015 10:08

OP, it's not YOUR baby, it's both of yours, your husbands and yours. I think it's fine to say that you want your mum to be the one to help you during labour or whatever but it's outrageous for you to dictate that you mum must be the first to see the baby.

If you insist on imposing a pecking order then you're setting up a heap of trouble and bad-feeling for the future.

Is there any reason why your MIL couldn't pop in, say a quick hello, coo at the baby, take a quick photo and then go? I'm sure she wouldn't want to be around you to make you uncomfortable. Your mum can sail in and do for you for the time that you want her there. I'd suggest though that you communicate with your husband on this so that she doesn't outstay her welcome either.

You're being unreasonable and pregnancy is not an excuse for that. You're bringing a child into a family - and consideration is important for everybody, not just you.

Stinkersmum · 19/03/2015 10:08

Christ almighty. It's a good job that support organisations like MacMillan don't have attitudes like some of you... 'So your D has terminal cancer. How are you coping with that? Guess what, it's not you with cancer so STFU and stop whining'. smh*

Delatron · 19/03/2015 10:08

I think support can be provided without needing to move in for days against the wishes of the person who, you know, has just given birth. My Dh was great post-birth and loved helping out, I have no idea why he would have needed his mum there?!

WorraLiberty · 19/03/2015 10:10

God who'd want to be a bloke?

They seem to be constantly sidelined, along with their parents by Mumzillas in the making.

I'm not talking about the OP btw, who seems to have sensibly accepted the fact her DH has feelings on the matter too...but some of the replies...jeez!

MrsCakesPrecognitionisSwitched · 19/03/2015 10:10

I would hope that MIL and DM could pull together. MIL can give DM lifts so she doesn't need to rely on buses. Perhaps they can see the baby together for the first time?

Or is it essential to have demarcation over rights to the baby?

Carrierpenguin · 19/03/2015 10:10

Yanbu, it's understandable you want dm to help and care for you following birth! I wouldn't want mil helping me with laundry either! I would let mil visit and meet the baby though, even for an hour once you're home. Ask dh to explain you don't need help to recover though, as you have your mum for that! Good luck!

SoonToBeSix · 19/03/2015 10:10

Yabu and immature.

funnyossity · 19/03/2015 10:11

I would expect any DiL who had just gone through labour to want to see her Mum and Dad first.

Since if all is well the baby will be with it's mum, I'd therefore expect to see the baby after them. I would not be offended by this state of affairs tbh. I wouldn't expect any of it to be about me.

Bambambini · 19/03/2015 10:11

Husbands re getting a hard time here. Husband and i come from the same small town. All of our family are there.

There was always support for for everyone. When my siblings and friends went into labour - often the whole family got involved. Even my brother staked out the waiting room when my sister was in labour (and he didn't even like her). Everyone would visit straight away, when at home you had lots of visitors and hopefully help. It's always a family event.

We lived 400 miles away from family and were on our own. The first to visit was a few friends and one friend even brought her family who I had met once to the hospital that first day. I was sad I couldn't share the moment with all of my and husbands family.

Mumsnet seems really strange and alien to me sometimes - cold and cut off and nothing like life I grew up with.

Fairylea · 19/03/2015 10:17

I think it's sad that you feel that way. I have a son and I'd like to think I could be as involved as his partners mum in a potential grandchild situation. I think you have a duty to treat both grandparents the same unless you have very good reason not to. As others have said perhaps they could work together to both help you out?

Pyjamasandwine · 19/03/2015 10:18

Sorry it's your first baby right so you have no other littlies that need looking after.

So why would you need anyone to stop anyway? Your dh can look after you and do the chores can't he without mummies help?

If I were you I would let your mum know that you are in labour so she can arrange transport to see you and of course she's your mum so you want her there. Let your dh decide when he lets his mum know. There's no pecking order as that's ridiculous.

I think you are massively overthinking this anyway. I couldn't imagine anything worse than having either my dm or mil to stay post birth. It's a magical time for you 3 and you should be enjoying those first days together as a new little family.

Word of advice don't alienate your mil. You may need a babysitter for the next birth and if you shut her out now she may not be there next time.

Best of luck with the birth and don't sweat the small stuff.

AlphaBravoHenryFoxtons · 19/03/2015 10:22

My MIL and BIL were waiting for me in the corridor as I was wheeled from the theatre into recovery. As soon as I got onto the ward they were shown in. I distinctly remember trying to make small talk with my at the time childless BIL. Grin

Your MIL sounds like she's trying to be helpful and she would probably be mortified if she knew she was causing you so much angst. I don't think it matters who sees the baby first. But it is important that you allow early access for a viewing. Be kind.

EstRusMum · 19/03/2015 10:26

Husband can get his support later. After she had the baby and support from her mother is sorted for her.

OP YANBU and others here should try and understand that when you are the most vulnerable, you will want around the person you love, not a person your DH lovesHmm

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 19/03/2015 10:26

I think that sperm donation would be a much less complicated and messy option for soooo many women. Saves even having to every consider any other person in the universe except for those ordained worth by Mum...

PerpendicularVincenzo · 19/03/2015 10:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Blu · 19/03/2015 10:31

when I am a MIL I will view helping as best supporting my DILs needs, not pushing to 'be involved'.

Op it is clear that there are issues with your MIL deciding her own level of 'involvement ' in your life.

Separate out the 'who sees baby first' issue from what you feel comfortable with as you approach the birth, and be honest with your DH. I bet his DM has planned this arrangement, not him, some people love a big happy family circus around to celebrate, some prefer privacy. Neither is right or wrong, but how you feel is important and not feeling generally railroaded is important to preventing PND.

There are some very nasty posts on this thread that are way out of keeping with MN's role in listening to concerns of someone starting their role as a new mother.

Sparklingbrook · 19/03/2015 10:32

It can't hurt for her to have a quick cuddle, take a photo and leave when you're tired. The thing is would she just do that?

I do agree there shouldn't be a pecking order, and it shouldn't matter which Grandmother claps eyes on the baby first TBF. It's just more likely it will be the maternal one.

AlbertSpanglersConscience · 19/03/2015 10:32

Massive credit to the OP who has admitted she's beem a bit U and is going to have another think about it.

So Why TAF are people still piling in to berate her?

READ THE FUCKING THREAD PEOPLE

AlphaBravoHenryFoxtons · 19/03/2015 10:34

Just tell her what you want. But tell her kindly. Tell her you'd like her to come and stay once you've established a routine. But do let her visit the baby very soon after the birth. It's weird and mean-spirited to exclude her from the joy of seeing her grandchild early on.

Sparklingbrook · 19/03/2015 10:34

Will be interesting to see how it all pans out.

My DC are teens now and I can't actually remember the order of visitors.

sourpotato · 19/03/2015 10:34

Maybe just make it very clear that you'd rather MIL only stayed for X amount of time (and be a bit pushy if need be).

It would be very unfair to favour your mum when it comes to your baby, as you've acknowledged. Labour itself, though, is separate to the issue of grandchildren in general and is a very personal thing, so I can understand you only wanting your mum around for an extended period to help YOU out. I actually didn't want anyone other than my DH around for a day or so after my first labour (we had to ask MIL to hold back a bit as she wanted to come straight up to the hospital) and the same applied to my side of the family too. It had nothing to do with wanting people not to see the baby - it was just that seeing the baby involved seeing me, and I wasn't up for it!

pollykinesis · 19/03/2015 10:37

I like the suggestion of MIL collecting your mum and them visiting together. Organising the order in which people can see your baby will only stress you out and upset people so maybe try to make peace with MIL being as excited as your mum. However, I reckon you need to have a serious think about what will happen when you get home from hospital. My MIL came to stay for two weeks when DS was two weeks old. It was the saddest time in my life. She sat on my couch cuddling my baby while I made her dinner, got sent to the supermarket, ordered to bed for naps etc etc. Our relationship is irreparably damaged (mine and MILs) and apart from feeling robbed of precious bonding time with my beautiful boy, I'm still ashamed of myself for not telling her where to go. So actually, be as unreasonable as you like when your baby arrives. He's yours! X

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