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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to say i can't attend this meeting about DS2s attendance?

461 replies

velvetspoon · 18/03/2015 09:40

Letter received Monday evening asking me to attend a meeting at 1pm on Thursday.

I can't take a day off work with 48 hours notice. And it would have to be a full day due to timing of the meeting.

I replied to that effect, and asked for another day with at least 7 days notice but got a very snippy reply back saying it was a serious matter, and such meetings were important, etc, etc...

OP posts:
Roussette · 24/03/2015 12:15

When I have needed to speak to my DC's secondary school, I would ring and wait a reasonable time. If they didn't ring back, I would ring again. And repeat. Until I spoke to someone.

I rarely contacted the school so if I did, it was important. You should not let things slide like this. It's important to keep on top of what a child is doing at secondary school. I am sure, given the hours you work, this isn't easy but please change the way you are doing things.

steff13 · 24/03/2015 12:39

What would the instructions be? Drag him out the house? Pick him up and carry him? I don't understand how people expect this to work.

It may not work. But, it's worth a try, IMO. This is a fairly serious situation. If the OP needs to try different things to figure it out, then that's what she needs to do. There's no harm in trying to find someone to be there to get him off to school for a couple of weeks to see if things improve. If it doesn't work, she can try something else.

Bunnyjo · 24/03/2015 12:41

OP - you are adamant that you can't/won't/shouldn't have to do pretty much every suggestion made, and you are so sure this will not result in legal action. So, can I ask, what was your intention when you started this thread?

AuntieDee · 24/03/2015 13:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Sidge · 24/03/2015 14:43

I'm concerned that there's a possibility that instead of the EWO getting involved it will be Children's Services.

I appreciate there's an older brother in the background but I can't see that there's any responsible adult on the scene for the bulk of the time Monday to Friday. The OP is out of the house 0730-1900 and sometimes later 5 days a week, and has done so since her son was 9 or 10. I find that worrying.

Lancelottie · 24/03/2015 14:49

But surely many, many families do that to some extent, Sidge? Most teenagers get themselves home and spend some time there before their parents get in, and 6 or 7 pm from even a 5 pm work finish can't be unusual.

ivykaty44 · 24/03/2015 15:16

the government decrees that a child when aged 7 is at school and therefore a resident parent should be at work - there is no excuse for not working(and that will be full time soon) and no provision for those children once they get to 11 - as there is no type of child/teen care for latch key kids.

In a lot of two parent families children get themselves up and let themselves in after school - it is certainly not unusual and if parents work shifts then it may be they are left for longer hours in the afternoon/evening.

As far as the government are concerned school is child care and teachers don't like it but it is the way of life that parents need to work.

There seems to be a lack of understanding on this thread about being a single parent with a lot of lectures but clearly from people who have no knowledge of the situation or how difficult it can be. From turning of the router to changing a job at the drop of a hat isn't easy.

SuburbanRhonda · 24/03/2015 15:35

ivykaty

There have been several posters on this thread who are single parents with school-age children and who have offered the OP advice.

The issue is not that people don't understand, it's that the OP consistently refuses to accept that she should even try any of the suggestions - she's turned down every one.

She's even refusing to phone the school to ask if the library opens early, on the grounds that she phoned once before and they didn't phone her back. I suggested emailing or - gasp! - phoning them again. I'll be interested to see if this is something she could see herself being able to do.

tabulahrasa · 24/03/2015 15:44

Balancing work and teenagers alone is hugely difficult, changing your hours of employment when your job doesn't lend itself to that and you're the sole financial provider is also hugely difficult.

Unplugging a router and putting it in your bag takes about a second and can be hugely effective in motivating teenagers.

The problem is that the OP treats every suggestion as if it's as impossible as giving up her job, some of the suggestions are fairly easy and at least worth trying, they may not be useful when they are tried, but doing nothing differently will mean the situation doesn't change either.

Sidge · 24/03/2015 15:48

Lancelottie I think many families do have teenage children left alone for some time after school before they get home. In my area senior school kicks out at 1430 so even if the parent/s home by 1730 that's a few hours alone. My own DD1 is home alone until 1830 a few days a week but she's 16, not just 13.

I suppose my concern is that for the OPs son he is alone until at least 1900 and the other evening the OP wasn't home until 2140, with no other adults on the scene. That's pretty late by anyone's standards, and the fact that the son has poor attendance and "illness" issues makes it even less appropriate.

I know it's tough, I do, I'm a lone parent with 3 school age children and no family support but I think something's gotta give here and the OP doesn't seem to be displaying any realisation of the potential seriousness of the situation.

ivykaty44 · 24/03/2015 16:00

the same suggestions over and again is what I have read from change your job to take your router to bed with you - tbh I would have to refuse to do either of those suggestions as my router is not detachable and I couldn't just change my job. I have resorted to water on the bed to get dd2 out for school and she was threatened with the door of the hinges if she put furniture up against the door again.

Im fortunate that school dd2 goes to do phone me and email ( they are fantastic and pastoral care is over and beyond) but dd1s school never resounded to anything and were unhelpful at best. Not every school is great at communication I used to send emails and they were ignored and when questioned as to why they weren't replied to I was told they were to busy to reply! TBH I can't believe the difference in the secondary school dd2 attend it is so very different.

SuburbanRhonda · 24/03/2015 16:32

ivykaty

Other suggestions have included: take him in early; ask if a friend could drop by and they could go in together or an adult friend of the OP could pick him up; seek out paid childcare for the mornings; investigate after school activities for the DS so he isn't at home alone for so long; change the password on the router; switch appliances off at the mains at night; remove technology from the bedroom; encourage the DSL to get a paper round; introduce set bed-times with sanctions if he doesn't comply - I've probably missed a few, but those are the ones I remember without even going back through the thread.

And the OP's router can be unplugged, as she says she is getting a new one with time restrictions.

UncleT · 24/03/2015 16:34

Failing to attend a meeting about poor attendance? Well, maybe there's an angle I'm not seeing, but so far I can't see that being a good plan on any level.

MNHQ
IonaMumsnet · 24/03/2015 16:34

Afternoon folks. Just a reminder of our Talk Guidelines www.mumsnet.com/info/netiquette. We're all just doing our best as parents, and a bit of kindness and support goes a long way. Everyone is entitled to an opinion, but if opinions stray into personal attack, we will have to delete them. Thanks!

liveloveluggage · 24/03/2015 16:39

I think the op sees keeping her job as deadly serious because that is how she provides for her family. If she loses that job, without finding another that pays the bills they would be homeless and the ds will be in a much worse situation than he is now. Compared to this the fact that her ds stays up late sometimes and misses some school days when he is not feeling well may not seem the end of the world so maybe that is why she doesn't rush to follow all the suggestions.

lem73 · 24/03/2015 16:51

I think most posters on this thread have tried to be helpful and constructive. A lot of the suggestions, such as switching off the router, is something lots of parents do every day. The op hasn't accepted a single suggestion. I've had friends like that. They seek advice but then reject every suggestion. That's fine when they are the only ones who will suffer but this boy's education is at stake here.

Nightowlagain · 24/03/2015 16:53

But how will stopping her DS from playing games late into the night affect her job?

Nightowlagain · 24/03/2015 16:54

That was to livelove

Fairenuff · 24/03/2015 16:57

OP how about this. Pay an older teenager/young adult to call for him each morning and walk him to school. If he says he doesn't feel well, they ring/text you and you confirm whether or not he needs to go in.

That will get him there each day. If school will agree to allow him a quiet area to rest at school if he feels unwell, this will make sure that he stays in school.

Then everyone can focus on why he is trying to avoid school. Get him a check up with the gp to rule out any medical issues, get his electrical stuff out of his room/switched off in the evening so that he gets enough sleep and maybe batch cook some meals that he can heat up, so that he is getting good nutrition.

If he still tries to resist school, it might be something else that he is struggling with, such as relationships with friends/teachers or even just that he isn't coping with the workload.

If he enjoys computers, maybe you could suggest a computer club either before or after school so that he isn't on his own so much and he can spend more leisure time with friends/make new friends?

Original poster
velvetspoon · 24/03/2015 17:18

This thread is like the equivalent of bear baiting.

In essence, some posters want me to embrace every single suggestion even the hopelessly unworkable ones, and agree to them.

And no doubt if I did I'd still be in the wrong, for not getting it all right sooner.

Thank you to those posters who understand (ivykaty amongst others) and to those who have proferred suggestions.

Contrary to the deleted post, I'm not an idiot. I have a degree and professional qualifications. But I also grew up poor. Not starving, I never went without, though my parents did. We didn't have our own car, lived in a HA property. My dad couldn't retire even in his 70s because he had no money at all other than his earnings. I never wanted to be in that position which is why I've worked ever since I qualified, and why work is so important to me, perhaps more so than other people. Although I'm sure I'll be quickly told I'm wrong about that too...

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 24/03/2015 17:27

It's not wrong to want a good wage or a satisfying career OP, no-one has said that. Your ds will be starting his gcse work this September. He needs to be there every single day so that he can get the best results possible. Getting him there is just the beginning. He will need to study hard and be much more self-motivated than he is at the moment.

Now is a great time to idenitfy out the problems, find the solutions and help him achieve his best so that he too can go on to provide for himself and his family if he has one. I don't think all is lost, you just need to find a way to get him onboard.

tiggytape · 24/03/2015 17:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FriendlyLadybird · 24/03/2015 17:31

I haven't got all the way through the thread yet, but could the reason the school are reluctant to send him home be that they know he would be going back to an empty house?

My DS (the same age) has been sent home from school ill -- but they rang me up and expected me to collect him (DH did in fact, but you don't have this option).

FriendlyLadybird · 24/03/2015 17:58

Have now RTFT. Please disregard my comment above -- that'll larn me.

BerylStreep · 24/03/2015 17:58

It does sound as if lack of a regular bedtime could have something to do with this. Especially as OP's DS has got up and fallen asleep again in the mornings, and sometimes so sound asleep that he hasn't heard the phone.