to say i can't attend this meeting about DS2s attendance?

[velvetspoon]

Letter received Monday evening asking me to attend a meeting at 1pm on Thursday.

I can't take a day off work with 48 hours notice. And it would have to be a full day due to timing of the meeting.

I replied to that effect, and asked for another day with at least 7 days notice but got a very snippy reply back saying it was a serious matter, and such meetings were important, etc, etc...

Remove the TV from his room and reset it up downstairs - or more simply, take the power cord(s) away at 9pm each night. If he then gets up and goes to school on time each day for a week with no pretending to be ill, then he gets his privileges back.

Each reoccurrence means the power cords get taken away after 9pm every night. It is actually for his own good and he's not going to suffer any ill-effects from not being online or playing games after 9pm.

he does sound very socially isolated if her prefers online chat to face to face contact. Most boys his age are bundles of energy and your DS isn't getting a chance to work any of that off if he is just slumped in front of a screen half the night and then not sleeping properly as a result. it's a vicious circle. You are the parent and it's your job to put in place rules for his heath and well-being and also to teach him to take responsibility for his actions and to help him make good lifestyle choices. At the moment he's got no friends he socialises with outside school, takes no physical exercise, spends hours onPC/gaming etc, doesn't sleep properly as a result and then says he's not well enough to go to school and if you don't cave in, he then gets his Dad to agree he can stay off sick. This is a repeating circle and it's not going to get any better unless you take some positive action.

take this meeting with the school as an opportunity to make some positive changes that will benefit your sons physically and emotionally. he's still a child and he needs you to act in his best interests, even if he won't particularly like it at first. But you are his parent, not his friend and that is your job.

Oh, and there are other after-school activities than sports. Drama? DOE? Dance? Scouts?

Thinking about this thread, it hadn't struck me exactly how young the DS is. My half-brother is 13. He is in bed by 10.30 almost every night and isn't allowed a TV in his room. He has an ancient non-smart phone, and an iPod. He does heaps of sports and still leaps about like a performing flea all the time. He's still very much a little kid even though he's taller than I am (not hard!). He would probably utterly fail to get himself to the school bus if left to it.

I don't know the answers, velvet, but I think you're expecting your DS to behave like he's much older than his age. I'm not trying to have a go. I've said upthread that my sister and I had to get ourselves on the school bus at the age of 13. Difference was, Dad would have read us the riot act if we hadn't done it. I know we all give in to our kids about things (thinking guiltily of DD age 3's biscuit consumption) but when the shit hits the fan you have to say to them yes, I know I used to let you do xyz but in light of abc it is clear that I made a mistake and things are going to have to change.

I'm fairly well appraised of the legal position. I know that there are children in this area with significantly worse attendance records than DS who have not been prosecuted, so I'm not scared I'm going to be taken to court, as some posters seem to be implying I should be.

Yes, he needs to go to school ideally every day, certainly he should go more than he does. I agree that, and I'm not arguing that point with the school. I'll take certain steps to get him there - the router will be in place later this week. I'll be continuing to encourage him to go to bed at 10ish. Even though as I only got in 20 mins ago that means I've barely seen him. I won't be accepting excuses about not going to school,and as suggested upthread I'll ask the school only to accept contact from me re absence. And only to notify me as well.

Just to be clear, some nights he's asleep early. Some at the right time, some late. On some of the late nights he might be ill (genuine or feigned) or struggle to get up for school, but equally he can do that on the other nights too. There's no direct correlation even though
it would be nice and simple if there were.

They don't connect via the WiFi, so changing that password won't make any difference. The router will help. I'm not intending at this stage to start moving either of their very large tvs off their walls and putting them in other parts of the house. I'm hoping that step won't be necessary, and frankly if we get to that stage it's easier to take the xbox.

As to his father...we have no contact. I've not seen or spoken to him in several years. There is good reason for that. I cannot rely on any assistance, co operation or involvement from him. DS sees him once or twice a week for 30 mins, and one overnight a fortnight. But he and I don't, and won't, speak.

I'll admit my DS isn't perfect. But he's generally happy, bright, very kind to animals, young children etc. He's not socially isolated because he doesn't play sports (or rather football because that's the only sport boys play round here) and I slightly resent the implication that my son is in some way 'wrong' or somehow socially inadequate because he likes computers, game and character design etc and wants to be a programmer or a dev when he's older. For the record, most of the kids (girls and boys) he games with are from his school, or at most friends of friends. He knows 90% of them personally.

You really do need to get a grip on this if he's 13. Is he Y8 or 9? The GCSE landscape is changing and the pressure is really on now in Y9, in preparation for closed book exam based GCSEs in English and Maths in 2017. (My DD is Y9). The intention is that other subjects will follow.

He won't fulfil his potential if he's great at IT but scrapes or fails everything else. Missing almost a day a week is A LOT.

It's really not about whether or not you might face prosecution. It's whether or not your sons get the results they need to pursue what they want to do and develop their talent.

The potential fall out for you, worse than any prosecution or irritating missive from the school, is a future which involves your sons becoming disaffected, disappointed and possibly derailed.

"Yes, he needs to go to school ideally every day, certainly he should go more than he does."

OP, I really hope you don't intend repeating that sentence to school. Attending school each and every day is non-negotiable. There's nothing "ideal" about it, it's just what shoukd be expected as the norm.

I would only be repeating that sentence at a meeting about a pupil with severe anxiety/school phobia, in relation to a phased return to school after a long period of absence. You seem to think there is no school phobia or anxiety with your son, so I am actually now quite shocked that you're coming across so laissez-faire. IDEALLY every day?? the boundaries sound so loose in your case that it's no wonder your son is deciding for himself when he goes to school.

Time to get much tougher, I think. You may feel that it's cruel to play the disciplinarian when they really only have you, but surely you know that it's for their own good.

I can imagine the conversation at school when his mates ask him where he was yesterday. I've overheard similar where I work; in fact sometimes I've been the one to ask the pupil where they were:

"I didn't feel up to it."
"What, did your mum just let you stay off?"
[shrug]

If this is a recurring pattern then I'm afraid that it's going to start coming across to people that ask him that you just don't care enough about what he gets up to. Which I'm sure isn't the case. So you need to demonstrate that you DO care, both to him and the school.

Your sons are on their own every morning and sometimes till as late as 9.40 pm? I'm sorry, that's pretty fucked up. I know you have to work, but when it means putting your sons so far down your list of priorities, something has GOT to change.

I don't think anyone thinks your son is a bad kid. I'm sure he's lovely. But, irrespective of that, he has to be at school every day unless he's genuinely ill. You're his mother, and it's your responsibility to make sure that happens. If you have to institute (and enforce) a bedtime, it take away all of his electronics or whatever, then that's what you have to do.

Personally, I'd revisit the idea of a babysitter/mother's helper. Unless you literally only make enough money pay for food and shelter, you should be able to eek enough out of the budget to pay someone for an hour or so a day. Even if it means giving up something extra or fun, this is more important.

OP, you seem to have abdicated responsibility wrt how your son behaves whilst he is a minor living under your roof. For each suggestion made, you make a work based excuse.

It is possible to deal with this, but you need to make clear boundaries, consequences and your authority as parent doing what is right for your son.

Check out what time the school opens (most post primaries here open the library at 7am). You own what happens in your house. You cannot guarantee what goes on when you are asleep, but you can do whatever you need to ensure your DS gets down time and sleep time, including taking the modem and his phone when you go to bed. Actions have consequences. That doesn't just go for the school wrt their not sending DS home when sick, it also applies when he doesn't go to school and learn.

It won't be easy to change things, but it won't be as impossible as your making it out either.

Good luck.

I can't believe people are seriously suggesting an au pair or babysitter for a single mother of teenage boys. Seriously, real life doesnt work like that.

85% attendance is NOT one day a week. It's one and a half days a fortnight

80% would be one day a week.

I did suggest just taking the power cables away at 9pm, OP. Simple and effective.
Neither you or either of your sons seem to grasp that they go to school every single day unless too ill to lie in bed and do nothing else.
You are giving more excuses for unacceptable behaviour and are ignoring the serious issue of your son going behind your back.
It is your responsibility to make sure he goes to school so that he gets an education. He may advanced now but he's soon going to slip behind. He's also getting into a bad habit of avoiding his responsibilities and to an extent you are enabling him.
You have choices, but you don't seem to want to change anything.

Tinker, who are you suggesting looks after her 13 year old then?
The OP can't do it due to the circumstances of her job.
Her oldest son shouldn't have to do it, especially as he's needing extra support himself.
And her son is not yet emotionally mature and self motivated enough to look after his own education, something that might not happen for a couple of years, by which time his education will have badly suffered.
Someone who is paid to come in each morning, get him up from bed and make sure he goes to school might just be the motivation he needs to get his attendance up, even as a short term job until the end of summer term.

I'm saying this as the only child of a single mother who worked 6 nights a week as well as 2 part time jobs ( no min wage) during the day from when I was 14, so I understand the reality of velvet's situation pretty well.

There are a lot of posters who are blind rule followers here. Of course a couple of days for concussion, the squits, being sick is fine.

The area that could be improved is when he feels a bit ropey and doesn't attend because the school won't send him home. I think you could explain this bit to the school and state that their present approach is making things worse. Respectfully challenge the school to improve too!

The best way forward would be for DS to always go in when feeling ropey and for the school to agree to always send him home if ill.

You'd probably find that the ESW would be off your sons back at above 90%. For all those children sent into school calpoled up with 100% attendance, there will be also a good number of children with attendance in the low 90%'s, who are genuinely ill

If you genuinely thought your son had suffered a head injury severe enough to warrant two days of school you would get it checked out that same day. Not mention it well after the fact to a GP who could not make a proper diagnosis once there were no symptoms. Given DS often exaggerates his "illness" there is no guarantee he suffered anything more than a painful bump on the head rather than concussion.
It is so unlikely that a school would treat a genuinely I'll child by ignoring them unless the issue is either that he is blatantly living or that they cannot send him home without a parent or guardian to collect him.

I suspect the latter, and from all OP has written, that she would not leave work and therefore expects the school to do something they are not permitted to do.

Katie you really do have some very fixed ideas. Don't let the truth get in the way of those will you? I stated very clearly upthread DS went to the GP the SAME day he hit his head. The GP said he had mild concussion. I've not made that up, or diagnosed him myself. He was then off school for several days.

If he was ill and needed to be collected from school and neither his brother nor father could fetch him, then I would leave work. I have done so in previous years.

I can't afford an au pair. I don't have room for one, without spending even more money, and I'm not terribly comfortable with having a stranger in the house, and I'm not sure how the DSs would feel either. I'm hoping that the school will open early (I will ask about this at the meeting) enough that I can drop DS off before work.

When I said ideally I meant barring genuine illness. He has had several absences when he's been genuinely,visibly ill. As I said previously I think these add up to 7 or 8 days since September.

Just a thought OP, who looked after your ds last year when he was only 12, or the year before when he left primary school? When did this childcare problem start?

Thing is velvet I can honestly not remember one occasion when I collected my DCs from secondary school. Surely this isn't happening often, because if it is, he is swinging the lead.

Your DS is still young, why are you letting him choose when he turns his light off when obviously he isn't getting enough sleep? My eldest pushed the boundaries and if I got up in the night and saw her light on it would be a case of me making her jump out her skin, throwing the door open and shouting "Turn your light off NOW, and go to SLEEP, or else!" I think you are putting too much responsibility on him and letting him make his own choices on everything and now you are paying the price. I honestly think a few more boundaries might turn things round.

I would have a long chat with him about your expectations about him going into school. I would tell him in no uncertain terms about how upset you are about having to go into school for this meeting, I would explain that it stops here and now, and from this moment forward everything is going to change and I would set out how that will happen. I'm sure your DS is a lovely lad but he needs some strong parenting from you. It's no good you ringing of a morning, finding him there in the house when he promised to go in, and just cajoling him or pleading with him to get his butt out the door, it needs more than that.

I cannot believe the amount of suggestions made to the Op which she rejects with various excuses. Why is it that what works in other households, such as making sure he is in bed at a reasonable time, can't work for the Op? And I am gobsmacked at the comment that he 'ideally' needs to be in school every day. Wtf? Op you clearly work very hard to provide for your family. How do expect your ds to do it for his family without a decent education? If his attendance stays the same in GCSES his future will suffer.

My DS hasn't gone to a childminder before school since he was 10. I've been working similar hours all that time. This year, this letter, has been the first issue.

For the last 3-4 years he's gone to and from school with his brother, that changed in September.

The letter received inviting me for a meeting was (or rather will be) the first discussion about his attendance.

Ftr, I don't leave at 7. I leave at 730, DS1 leaves when I do. DS2 doesn't need to leave til 825. However he's up before I leave, so I do see both DC every morning. Also, I'm not out every night til 10. I'm usually home between 630-7. Sometimes it will be later, bit no more than once a week, and not often as late as last night.

Also, I don't get up in the night. I only know he's been up in the night because either he's told me himself, or his brother has mentioned it. Obviously if I woke up and heard him I'd tell him to go back to bed!

Why do you have to wait for the meeting to find out whether the school opens early? Can't you make the call now? Or it might be on their website.

Re the au pair suggestion, I don't think it would be fair to expect an au pair to take charge of a 13 year old and supervise him when his mum is away for long periods and getting him to do things he doesn't want to. The op clearly can't afford to pay someone who is trained to care for an obstinate teen or she could just reduce her hours. I think the problem here is that the op works such long hours and is not there to supervise enough. This is not ideal, but she is in a very difficult position having to work in order to support the family, with zero help from anyone.

Well.... I know it sounds impossible, but maybe you do need to get up in the night! If you go to the loo, always check there is no light on in his room. I just seemed to have a sixth sense for when my DC was pushing it and I would wake up and catch her out! I know you have a job with long hours, but this might only take a few times of checking on him for him to stop this particular habit.

He wants to work with computers etc... get as much information as possible about what he will need to get for qualifications to do this, ask anyone you know what will be needed, sit down and lay it on the line about the chances of that not happening if he carries on like he is.

There's nothing on the website about before or after school activities, library opening etc.

If you call the school you have to leave a message and someone calls you back. I'm still waiting for a reply to a message I left nearly 2 weeks ago on a different issue. As such, I think it's going to be easier to find out at the meeting. There will be a teacher present, so presumably she'll have that information to hand.

I really hope you get everything sorted OP. That being said, I find you attitude so infuriatingly negative, knocking back every suggestion, yet not coming up with any yourself. Stop looking for problems and come up with a solution.