to say i can't attend this meeting about DS2s attendance?

[velvetspoon]

Letter received Monday evening asking me to attend a meeting at 1pm on Thursday.

I can't take a day off work with 48 hours notice. And it would have to be a full day due to timing of the meeting.

I replied to that effect, and asked for another day with at least 7 days notice but got a very snippy reply back saying it was a serious matter, and such meetings were important, etc, etc...

It's all very well being the hands-off, no rules, super cool go-to-bed-when-you-like parent but when it's impacting on his school attendance and learning to this degree something's going to have to change.

He's only 13 and alone at home 12+ hours a day. I get that it's tough when you're a lone parent and the breadwinner (I understand, I really do as I am one too) but you need to be a bit more proactive and take some responsibility here. You sound utterly passive and disinterested and the only person who is going to suffer is your son.

I'm not sure where the notion the school are frustrated comes from. This is the first meeting about absence I have had with them. I have not been contacted previously by them or anyone else to discuss this, and the person arranging the meeting (who gave the original snippy response) is according to her letter an attendance advisor based externally, so not actually connected to the school at all. And again, I've never heard from her before either.

Ultimately I can't enforce a bedtime even if I chose to. I've never done it, but I know people who used to put their small DC to bed in the dark, door shut etc at 7, then spend the next 3 or 4 hours outside their bedroom checking they didn't turn on the light or get up. I can and will encourage my DS to go to bed around 10 (as it's generally 8 or so by the time we've had dinner, he sits downstairs with me for a bit then back up to his room at 9) and as I've said once the new router arrives there will be no internet after 10 either. But I can't force him to be asleep by 10, or even 11. I'm not going to stop him or his brother getting up for a drink or whatever. And if he goes to sleep at 9 (as sometimes he does) and then wakes at 3am, I can't stop that either. There wont be any internet at those times, but I can't do any more than that. I can't stay up all night checking if he's asleep or not, I have to be up for work at 6am!

Turning the router off at the plug doesn't prevent either of them switching it back on at any time, so is pretty pointless. Like I said I can't stay up all night guarding the bloody thing! The cord doesn't detach. Better to time limit it, plus also I intend after school to restrict access to anything non educational for a few hours. Seems the most sensible way forward to me.

As to everyone saying me being out for 11-12 hours per day isn't good enough, what EXACTLY am I meant to do differently about that? Not work - not an option, I have bills to pay. Make friends with non working people purely so they can keep an eye on my kids - that's a bit usery. Plus where am I meant to find these people? Most people I know work, and have like me commutes of 1hr or more each way.

There has been some research on screen use before bed and sleep patterns.

I found last year that I was going to bed some nights at nine and then waking at three or four am. I stopped using the PC before bed, leaving a good two hours and found my sleep issues improved. They didn't completely dissapear but most night I sleep through to five am

Not sure if smart phone and tablet use may be having an effect?

Well, no, you can't force him to be asleep.
You can, however, say 'If you're getting ill a lot, you clearly need more sleep. Go to bed you little horror, or don't expect any sympathy from me tomorrow morning.'

Are you concerned about his attendance?

I'm not sure where the notion the school are frustrated comes from

Possibly from their comments about him not being allowed to stay out of class if he's really ill? As we've all said, that's an almost unheard-of thing for a school to do - hard not to think they believe he's crying wolf and are getting fed up of it

Good luck with the meeting, but I'd honestly recommend that when you see them, you avoid emphasizing what you can't/won't/shouldn't do, and maybe give more thought to the many ideas on this thread instead ...

Take the router to bed with you....

Stop saying you can't do this, you can't do that. Something needs to give. And at the moment unfortunately the thing that is giving is your child who is fast becoming a school drop-out. You need to be pro-active.

Talk to your employer about dropping your hours or working flexibly. You can't leave adult parenting up to his older brother who's home early, the relationship isn't the same as a parent/child one. Your older child is obviously far more self-sufficient, and you being out of the house so much hasn't affected his education, but this one isn't the same. He needs you and at the moment you're not there. If your job really is an issue then maybe you need to at least consider another job, and moving somewhere more affordable.

Reminds me a lot of one of my brothers as a kid, it all boiled down to laziness. He was very adept at lying to my parents too, could find every excuse under the sun why his attendance was low (I was late for one lesson so they marked me off the for the whole day, I forgot to shout when I was called etc etc). I used to boggle at why on earth they believed it! Think they did just for an easy life really. He does ok now, he just didn't like school and was a typical bone idle teenager who would stay up til 3am in the morning, then cba to get up for school at 7!

Titchy - you make no mention of the boys father in your lecture....

OP has already said there is no other family to help. I assumed that included his father. And yes it was a lecture - apologies. But when someone posts about a problem, lots of people suggest things, and poster just says they can't do any of what is suggested it is infuriating.

OP is clearly fixated on keeping her job no matter what the cost, maybe that mindset needs to change because at the moment the son is paying the cost.

Can't you just put a password on the wifi?

What other screen time does he have, does he have any consoles that don't require internet? I would take it all way and tell him he can read if he wants but no screen time at all after 9pm. He probably either read, which is a calm, relaxing activity, or just go to sleep.

That way you are not imposing a 'bedtime' you are not telling him he has to sleep but you are making sure that he doesn't get over stimulated or kept awake.

Single parent can't flipping win if they work they are neglecting their children and if they don't work then it is a whole world of pain without any money.

Its not easy to juggle working long days and trying to bring up DC but keeping a roof over the family is the number one priority

I hate the fact the NRP walks away scot free and isn't mentioned

As others have said you cannot impose a set time when your DS goes to sleep. But you can remove phones, tablets, tv and consoles from his bedroom after nine. If he wants to read a book after that, then fine.

But you have to parent this child during the hours you are at home. Which means tackling the deception with his father, and making sure that if the router is switched off then it stays switched off.

His attendance at school is very pot with no real reason for absence due to illness. You and your DD have to work with the school to improve this, not just giving excuses why nothing will work.

Right now your DS seems to be a mixture of teenage defiance and crying out got more time and attention by pretending to be ill when he's tired because he's been up half the night playing games.

Perhaps if he had some after school activitites (either formal or with friends) he might get physically tired which would help with his sleeping? It's not very healthy for him to spend do much time onscreen and have no physical exercise

Titchy, I'm interested, do you work ft? Or do you have a husband who you rely on financially. Or possibly you're from a well off family who left you well provided for? I highly doubt from your comments you have any idea of the reality of working ft as a lone parent without any backup, family or otherwise, paying a large mortgage without a penny from my DCs father or the state...that's my life. And fwiw I think seeing me work is a good example to my DC.

I've previously asked about flexible working, which will mean a paycut as I can't compress my hours below 90%. I can't afford that just yet. I regularly look for other roles and there is almost nothing at my level as most firms promote from within. Plus I'm in a niche role now which won't be easy to transfer from.

As for moving, my ex still owns part of the house so that's not really an option. Plus the DC and I like our house, DS2 has lived there all his life. Once I'd paid Ex and moving costs, stamp duty, legal fees, I doubt I'd be much better off anyway.

DS has a pc and xbox in his room, both of which run through a tv. He doesn't have a tablet, and his phone is an old one which doesn't connect to the internet.

He's not very interested in sports. He played football from the age of 3, but was never that keen on it, and gave up a couple of years ago. He did 2 or 3 years of martial arts but got bored with it. He's actually quite good at a few sports, but he prefers computers. There's no after school sports clubs at school other than the school football team. None of his friends do any sport other than those who still play football for teams outside school ( it's much the same with DS1s friends)

OP, have you had the meeting yet? Have you been able to sort anything out?

I do feel that the school is liable to expect you to do rather more than just shrug your shoulders and say that you have to work and there's nothing you can do about this situation. Ultimately your son is your responsibility, and in the long run if you do nothing about this you're liable to be prosecuted. If that happens, it could well be that the issue about your working hours will disappear, but your problems will be significantly greater.

Had you considered changing the password on your wifi daily and texting your ds the new password when he gets home from school on condition that he has been to school?

Could he have a friend over one night a week? And go to a friend another night?

I'm posting as a mother of DC's older than yours and one in particular was dreadful with sleep and going online.

You just can't dismiss what some pp's have brought up about sleep. It may have worked for you in the past that your DCs picked and chose when they went to bed, but it sure as hell is not working now. You intimate that your DS gets up at 3am and goes online, no wonder he is falling asleep the next day!

We all know how debilitating lack of sleep is, and your DS is no different, he's knackered! When I'm beyond tired, I feel ill too! Habits are hard to break but you really have to work on doing so.

Change the wifi passcode so he just can't get on at unsocial times. You say his real passion is computers - well, that is why he isn't sleeping, computers disturb sleep rhythms and backlit computer screens keep you awake far longer after you've turned them off. The blue light disturbs sleep. Fact.

(Just incidentally, I don't want to encourage use of PC's, tablets etc but there is a brilliant app called 'twilight' which changes the colour of the screen, filters out the blue light and adjusts to the sun cycle according to the time on the device.)

Have you tried telling him off? Not in a patronising way, just saying it isn't good enough, and that he must get more sleep. It's his fault he's tired in the morning, clearly, not due to anything else at all (apart from your part in it too). Why is it just being allowed to slide?

Are you actually concerned about his attendance? Do you believe he should go to school every day?

OP, what is the story with his dad? He's around enough to call DS2 in sick, so there must be some level of contact, but you say you won't speak to him about DS2's behaviour. I don't understand. How much does DS2 see his dad and can the dad back you up? I get that he's your ex, but it's pretty rare for parents, even divorced ones, to have zero discussion regarding their children. There may be good reason for the lack of contact, i'm not saying there isn't, but is there any way at all the dad could maybe act like a dad?

OP - lots of people are giving you advice, some more bluntly than others, but the fact is this is a serious situation and I don't think you quite grasp the severity from some of your more recent posts.

You suggest that the school isn't frustrated because this meeting was not initiated by them; this meeting was scheduled by the LA, which is in fact more serious and there is likely to have been dialogue between the school and LA prior to this meeting being arranged.

This meeting is with school and the EWO and they are going to expect you to realise that it is your responsibility to ensure your DS attends school. Your working hours/commitments are not a concern of theirs. Yes, they may be able to suggest dropping him off early or another solution, but equally they may not and nor should you expect them to.

If you cannot come to a parenting agreement (parenting contract) in this meeting with the EWO and school, or if you/DS fails to stick to it, then the next course of action will be legal action - that can include a court imposed Parenting Order/Education Supervision Order and you can also be prosecuted. It is that serious.

Please, OP, try to see that people are making suggestions to help you and you're pretty much ignoring all the advice by saying I can't/won't/shouldn't have to. They are going to expect you to be far more proactive than you are being on this thread, and rightly so.

Velvetspoon being a single parent is hard. My child is young so the same things don't apply but I can relate to you. I've decided to cut my outgoings in order to be around more but it's not for everyone.
Have you ever considered an au pair? Or a mother's help. I know both options cost money but it might be worth a try.

I think making friends with other parents doesnt have to be with the intent of using them. It's harder in secondary as there aren't as many activities to bring parents together. Could you reach out to the parents of ds' s friends? As a lone parent I find others more willing to help. I think my pride gets in the way but it's nice to know they're there if I need them.