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AIBU?

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Original poster

to say i can't attend this meeting about DS2s attendance?

461 replies

velvetspoon · 18/03/2015 09:40

Letter received Monday evening asking me to attend a meeting at 1pm on Thursday.

I can't take a day off work with 48 hours notice. And it would have to be a full day due to timing of the meeting.

I replied to that effect, and asked for another day with at least 7 days notice but got a very snippy reply back saying it was a serious matter, and such meetings were important, etc, etc...

OP posts:
StrawberryTot · 24/03/2015 09:32

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TwinkieTwinkle · 24/03/2015 09:40

Sell your sons big, wall mounted TV and x-box and use the money for a nanny for a month. The threat of that would scare the bejeebus out him. If not, actually do it.

ilovesooty · 24/03/2015 09:50

I'm wondering if the OP would expect to keep her job if she had that attitude to attendance.

MarvellousMarbles · 24/03/2015 10:12

And just to warn you - enjoying playing computer games sets someone up for a career in IT about as well as enjoying watching films does for a career in movie production. i.e. it doesn't IT developers need qualifications and full sets of skills, and game development is very very competitive to get into.

Dumbledoresgirl · 24/03/2015 10:17

As the mother of teenage sons (and one daughter) myself, I agree with other posters that I think there is something more going on here than is apparent. By which I mean, such frequent illness, whether real or feigned, is not par for the course in teenage years. I would be worrying your son either has an underlying illness, or, more likely, is stressed by something.

I appreciate the difficulties you say you have, eg making him go to school when you have to be at work yourself, and ensuring he goes to sleep at a reasonable hour (I wonder how many posters who wrote that have or have had teenagers?!) but I also think there is more you can do. That tv on the wall of his bedroom can be removed. You talk about punishments having no effect on him - would removing the tv have an effect I wonder? (Genuine question).

If I were you, I would be looking to the meeting as an opportunity to start looking into the underlying reasons for his illnesses or feigned illnesses (whichever they may be). There must be one. My three teenagers, all older than your ds2, have had, in total between them, one day off sick the whole of their secondary school lives, and have been sent home feeling unwell, I think a total of 4, possibly 5, times. Ironically, given your experience, once was when ds1 was pushed against a door in a school corridor and banged his head - he didn't want to come home but the school insisted!

FWIW, I think you have been given a hard time on this thread. I understood entirely what you meant by 'ideally' he would attend school full time. And although I not in your position, I can see that being a single parent working full time places certain restrictions on you. I don't really have any answers. But I just wanted to say what I have above: look upon the meeting as a way to investigate what is going on and move forward in partnership with the school. Best of luck.

SuburbanRhonda · 24/03/2015 10:18

OP, if the school didn't phone you back after the last message you left, phone them again, and again, until you get a response. And please don't say you don't have time to do this - it's crucial to your DS's education and to his future. Or send them an email - contact information will definitely be on the school website.

For every day before the meeting that you do nothing to chase this up, you are no nearer to finding a solution yourself.

SteppeAwayFromTheKeyboard · 24/03/2015 10:29

Op, I have followed this thread from the start and I do think that the missing key in this is his brother.

Until this September they got up together, hung around at home together and went to school together. After school they were then together.

Your older son was acting informally as your younger son's babysitter/childminder.

Since your older son has gone to sixth form, your younger ds is struggling to cope. You really need to sit up and take notice of this.

My ds is 12.5. He is pretty together and organised, but he would really struggle if I stepped out of the picture for so many hours in the day. He would not get himself out of the door if no-one was watching. He would not put his phone down and get his homework done, get himself to bed and lights out if there was no adult there day after day. He is too young. More than that he needs the support and the company.

I send him to bed at bedtime (decided by me) and insist that lights are out. he has no electronics in his room after bedtime, as he would just turn them on and play/watch them. For this reason he has no TV in his room, no tablet or phone and no x box. Why? because he would not self regulate time on them.

I think you need to tell him. These are the new house rules, bedtime at 9:30, lights out at 10 (and that is later than most of ds friends) No tv/xbox etc etc after bedtime. TV wires remotes etc removed until the situation has changed, eg give him 3 months to prove the new regime works and then allow some things back. School everyday, each day late/missed means the electronics restrictions are extended by a week.

And at the same time, he needs more time and support from you. He is struggling because he has too much unsupervised time. If that means you need to look at your work hours, then you need to look at your work situation.

Lancelottie · 24/03/2015 10:30

In contrast, DumbledoresGirl, my three have had shedloads of time off ill, or at least the oldest and youngest have. The middle one, not coincidentally I'd say, eats well and sleeps well, and has had maybe one-two days off in the past four years. The other two are anxious, stressy, sicky, asthmatic types and tend to feel dreadful after a bad night (plus they've had Real Flu once and a rather memorable 'oops, not stress but appendicitis' incident bad parent award here).

I've had to toughen up my stance and tell them that if they take time off when they could feasibly stagger wanly through the gates, they won't be believed when they really need to be home sick.

confusedandemployed · 24/03/2015 10:32

This thread is insane. At every single suggestion the OP has given a reason not to do it which basically amounts to either:
"My job is more important",
"I know someone who did that and it didn't work so I CBA to try it",
"Yes but that's not the way we do it in our house" or
"That would involve me doing something different so no thanks".

OP you are doing this wrong and you need to change the way you do it. It really is that simple. How you do it is up to you, and it will probably involve something you don't want to do. But frankly, tough.

Lancelottie · 24/03/2015 10:32

The other factor that would occur to me here is food. Are the boys often eating scrappily and unhealthily while you're out late (mine would!)? In other words, is he genuinely feeling unwell for fixable reasons?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 24/03/2015 10:51

Sell your sons big, wall mounted TV and x-box and use the money for a nanny for a month. The threat of that would scare the bejeebus out him. If not, actually do it

Actually that's a darned good idea, but no doubt there'll be some excuse about why it can't / shouldn't / won't be done Confused

I confess I'd give a lot to be a fly on the wall at this meeting; I'm sure the school will be very polite, but as things stand the impression they'll get seems painfully obvious

Dumbledoresgirl · 24/03/2015 11:12

Well, I suppose that is what I meant Lancelottie - not that my children are some sort of norm that all must follow but that so much illness in a teenager is usually a sign of something else being awry, whether it be, as in your dc's case anxiety, stress, underlying illness etc or whether it be something else eg unhappiness at school.

One of my sons did suffer stress at school but it manifested itself in not eating and withdrawing rather than absence from school. Conversely, one of my youngest son's friends is currently suffering stress anxiety and goodness knows what else and became virtually overnight school phobic. OP, you need to get to the bottom of what is going on before the situation gets any worse.

FabULouse · 24/03/2015 11:30

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Feckeggblue · 24/03/2015 11:33

I don't understand why people keep recommending a au pair/ nanny/ childminder. Those people will not be able to take responsibility for getting someone who refuses to go to school to school. If the son tells them he's ill why would they force him in? It's a job for them.

steff13 · 24/03/2015 11:35

I can't believe people are seriously suggesting an au pair or babysitter for a single mother of teenage boys. Seriously, real life doesnt work like that.

Apparently, he needs someone with him to make sure he goes to school every day. The OP can't due it because of work, and he can't be trusted to get himself off to school consistently. What would you suggest? How does "real life" work? If your son won't go to school, do just throw your hands up and say, "gosh, I can't make him go?" Do you spend half your morning trying to convince and cajole him into going?

TwinkieTwinkle · 24/03/2015 11:36

Exactly. It's a job to them, the job being get the kid to school. If they didn't do it, they don't keep their job.

Hakluyt · 24/03/2015 11:37

I have a 14 year old. He is in robust health, enjoys school, has no issues with the work or his friends, is generally a happy, uncomplicated soul. But if he had the chance not to go to school one day a week with no come back he would grasp it with both hands! He would pick the day (probably Wednesday double maths and double science) and go for it.

I'm not saying that there isn't something underlying the OP's child's absences ( I am going for the lack of sleep as my first option) but there could well not be.

steff13 · 24/03/2015 11:37

If the son tells them he's ill why would they force him in? It's a job for them.

Because, as an adult, they would have the ability to know whether he was feigning illness or just playing up? Per the OP, this wasn't an issue when his brother was with him to make him go to school every morning. Perhaps he wouldn't play sick if there was someone else there.

Feckeggblue · 24/03/2015 11:39

They wouldn't make the judgement that he was faking. That's well outside the scope of their responsibility.
Their job is childcare, not some teen Bootcamp Sargent

TwinkieTwinkle · 24/03/2015 11:41

Feckeggblue If the mum gave clear instructions then I really don't see what the issue would be?

steff13 · 24/03/2015 11:50

I have a 14 year old. He is in robust health, enjoys school, has no issues with the work or his friends, is generally a happy, uncomplicated soul. But if he had the chance not to go to school one day a week with no come back he would grasp it with both hands! He would pick the day (probably Wednesday double maths and double science) and go for it.

I have a 13 year old and a 16 year old, and on the mornings we're not home they do go to school, because they know there'd be big trouble if they didn't. I agree, though, if we offered them the opportunity to skip a day, they'd definitely take it.

Feckeggblue · 24/03/2015 11:50

What would the instructions be? Drag him out the house? Pick him up and carry him? I don't understand how people expect this to work

steff13 · 24/03/2015 11:53

They wouldn't make the judgement that he was faking.

And they really wouldn't have to. At my house, kids only miss school if they have a fever or they are throwing up. Barring either of those things, he goes to school. No additional judgment needed.

TwinkieTwinkle · 24/03/2015 11:53

The OP has never once said the kid needs dragged to school. It sounds like he just needs adult supervision to make him go to school. A nanny, childminder etc. would be able to do that.

SuburbanRhonda · 24/03/2015 12:07

It sounds as though your son has lost some trust and confidence in the school - he really needs to feel safe to want to go there every morning. I hope that the school want to work with you to improve things for him and get to the bottom of what's causing his feelings

Have you RTFT fabulouse?

16 pages filled with suggestions and advice, and for every one, the OP has a excuse for why she can't do it.

The school has already shown that it wants to work with the OP to get the DS going into school every day, making sure he achieves what he's capable of and has a bright future ahead of him. The intransigence is not coming from them.

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