to think this is a little bit mean?

[scrunchiemount]

SIL is preggers and the baby is due at the beginning of May. DH and I get along v well with both his DB and SIL, no issues at all. SIL has two other sisters who both have kids, but DH's and DB's parents have no other grandkids - this would be their first. DMIL in particular is super excited about the baby being born. She is an extremely quiet, gentle, non-interfering type of MIL - I think she is great. However DH received a call from his DB the other day saying when the baby is born they don't want any visitors at all for 4 weeks. I thought this was a bit sad for family who want to see the baby but recognise it's their first baby and it's totally up to them. However we have since found out the DSIL is allowing her parents to go and see the baby in the hospital, but not DH's parents. I think this is mean. DH is furious about it on behalf of his parents and wants to say something to his DB. I agree that it's mean but I don't think it's our place to say so.

I am not fussed on our behalf (obviously I would like to go and see the baby as soon as we can but I don't mind waiting a few weeks if that's what they want - I recognise it's up to them!) but I do think it's a little sad that DSIL's family will be allowed and not DBIL's. What does everyone think?

Bio dad is not on the scene. Not lucky at all

Everyone goes a bit crazy while pregnant. Wait Til she has the baby and see if she will be cleaning

Christ, she sound more deluded with every update

I think she'll probably change her mind, we did the whole "no visitors for 2 weeks" thing at about 7 months and then at about 7 and a half months I realised I was being daft my DM was with us for the birth, my DF popped in first thing the next day and the ILs soon after that. In the run up the thought of my utterly lovely but totally exhausting MIL being around was just overwhelming, I knew I was BU but frankly I didn't care, luckily I realised I was being a cow before we told anyone "the rules" give your SIL a chance, hormones are a bugger!

Of course you replied 'OK sil, I understand. If you need company, let us know, and of course if things are getting on top of you between now and after the birth, I'm more than willing to help, please just ask'. Or did you just gently dictate your view to her then jumped straight back her to update how unreasonable she is?

If you think she's that rude op, as you and so many on here think so, then please send her a link to this thread. It may change her mind about visits from Lovely Parents In Law.

Wow, itsnotme, you really have a bee in your bonnet don't you? As it happens, my reply was: no problem, we'll be about whenever you need us.

I don't know if you're wilfully choosing to ignore everything I've been saying, but for the millionth time: I do recognise it's her choice.

If you're going to get preachy about posting about one's family members (anonymously by the way) on the Internet, then maybe MN is not a great place for you?!

Even if I was being a bitch, none of this reflects on PIL, who are sitting quietly at home, excited about their first child.

I really do, mostly because she has not had any opportunity to defend herself against the names and things being assumed about her. Would you like it if you found out she was having a huge moan about you or the family on some other site? Updating on phonecalls you've had? Seeing a load of people making disparaging comments about you or the choices you have made? You say you recognise her choice, then go 'but poor lovely PIL'. You won't take any if that on board, I just really hope she never finds this thread. No point repeating myself further on it.

I assume you also go on all the other threads of this nature and lecture them too?

She might be on MN having a moan about me for all I know!

Itsnotmeitsyou, by your reasoning AIBU wouldn't exist then!

I would if I thought that the person in question wasn't being unreasonable at all. That neighbour thread for example, if you saw it. I feel in this case, your sil is pregnant and obviously feeling anxious about things she's getting a very rough deal. She must come on parenting sites, i would not like to read this and realise it was about me. I feel sorry for her, not many do on this thread. Anyway, I'm done trying to put my point across, I do hope it gets sorted so everyone is happy about it, and lovely parents in law get their time with the baby.

The neighbour thread is a troll thread.

Yes, thank you, I did read the deletion notice from MNHQ.

She's not getting a rough deal at all, I simply expressed the opinion that I thought it was a bit mean she was excluding PIL and not her own parents, and that I thought it might be nice if they could see the baby for 30 minutes. That's literally it. At no point have I lied or embellished. I have said what has happened. On several occasions I've said I see her PoV. That's why the situation is tricky!

She only wants visitors on a Tuesday morning??????? When she knows PIL can't come?

So it's not about her feel anxious, worried or concerned? She knows she randomly going to feel fine on a Tuesday morning?

Yes Charlie, only on Tuesday mornings. She's decided that's their designated 'drop in' day. No idea why really.

Did you point out that weekday mornings might be awkward for most people with a full time job, such as your PILs?

Just in case she hasn't stopped to think it through?

Actually, your update makes me quite worried about your SIL as she is setting herself to feel like she is failing when she has such high expectations of herself, such rigid rules and is choosing to isolate herself. I though she was being a PITA from the op, but now I hope her DH is strong enough to ensure that she/they get all the support they might need.

I am also worried about her. I am planning on having a quiet word with DBIL. She needs to cool the pressure she puts on herself. I think she is basically terrified of having a baby and not doing the 'right' thing. She has read too many books imo - this is what I meant earlier by over thinking parenting.

These threads are so sad, I hate the attitude of 'my baby, my choice', it totally forgets the baby does not belong to anyone, that baby is a person, not a possession. The baby has a right to relationships to all it's relatives, unless the relatives are abusive or unpleasant, why would parents not want this?

I can understand needing space immediately post birth, particularly if the birth is traumatic, not wanting people to stay, but seriously 10 minutes, half an hour? How precious do you have to be to not allow that (in the circumstances that IL's are reasonable human beings as well)?

I had a 36 hour labour with DS1 and thought we wouldn't want visitors at the hospital, instead DP went home while I was still buzzing too much to sleep and I wanted other people to introduce DS to. My parents and MIL all met him within a few hours of his birth and in retrospect, that was very special for everyone involved.

I am amazed that so many men seem happy (or at least resigned (to tolerating and complying with these outrageous demands. It's as though they've been sidelined in having any decision making rights over their won child. I don't understand why they don't get more of a backbone and say

'Fine you want no visitors at all for a week/month whatever, but that means NO visitors. You don't get to include your family and exclude mine. Make your mind up what it is you want and I'll support you but I won't allow to you make me and my parents second class citizens in this. It's my child too.'

I agree, it's totally unreasonable of them. I can understand that you wouldn't want long visits or PIL staying at the house but it is utter thoughtlessness to deny them a quick visit in these circumstances.

I'm glad she's now treating both sets of GPs equally but your post of 20:57 is making a bit more sense of all this.

She has a little fantasy of what it will be like to introduce her baby to the grandparents, and that has to happen in her home, and she's decided her home needs to be spotlessly clean for this scenario. Given that, she therefore needs to predict when she's going to feel up to doing a really thorough clean of the house. If I had set those requirements it might have been 6months before I could feel up to the exertion! Happily I'm a right slob who rarely cleans much and the house is generally quite grubby - but when people visited I knew they were there to see the baby not the house and didn't care about the brownish tinges here and there. But of course some people are more house proud, and if your SIL doesn't want ant visitors to a non-spotless house her reasoning makes much more sense.

You'd have to check because such a gift could cause offense if taken the wrong way, but might some gift vouchers for a nice cleaning agency be a good gift? At least £150 worth if you can afford that much, would be enough for an initial spring clean perhaps while she's still in hospital, and then a weekly service until she felt able to resume her normal housekeeping. Those precious early days should be spent cuddling not cleaning.

(p.s. And of course, if you made such a gift it should be made without any reference to hoping that would get you earlier access to your new niece/nephew. She might still want to be visitor-free for 2 weeks but at least she wouldn't be spending that time cleaning!)

I think women often don't realise that they are excluding the ILs in these situations. They've decided that they don't want anyone visiting the baby. It doesn't occur to them that letting their own parents visit would be unfair, because to their mind her parents would be visiting the new mother not the baby. It's thoughtless, but not intended to be nasty or malicious, and OPs SIL has changed her mind once this was pointed out to her.

It won't have any impact on the baby's long term relationships with with GPs or other relatives if they first meet two hours, two days, or two weeks after the birth. The baby doesn't care and won't remember. New parents are entitled to their space if they feel they need it.

Ok, I've missed out a few pages in between as my computer is refusing to allow me to read the whole thread in one and taking ages to load each page - BUT.

YANBU. I'm glad your SIL changed it so that it was at least even to both sets of parents. I'm not so impressed that this appears to exclude PILs again by setting the Day They Can Come as being one they can't manage.
I'm even less impressed by the "this is the day I'm going to clean" concept - of course, it's her first baby, she doesn't have a CLUE - but she's not likely to be cleaning!

My situation was very different from many - my own mother had died while I was pg, MIL was still over from Australia (for our wedding) and I invited her to come back for DS1's birth. Not to be present at the actual delivery, you understand - but to be around for when I came home. Because I wouldn't have my own mum (not that I expect she would have been much help, she wasn't that sort, but never mind that!)

So MIL was staying in our house - she stayed overall for 8w, 2w prior to DS1 being born and 6w after. DS1 was born at 2am - DH tried to phone her at our house, but she was asleep (obviously! and being a bit deaf, didn't hear the phone). I phoned my sister and my Dad - they'd both told me to do so - and my sister went to fetch my MIL and bring her to the hospital to see DS1 when he was ~2h old. I didn't see anything odd about this at all, I thought it was lovely that they wanted to meet him so soon. Dad came later in the day, at a more sociable hour, and that was fine too.

I'm not hugely close to MIL - we've very different outlooks on life - but she can't do enough for us (too much, at times!) and always means well. And if she ever oversteps the mark, we can discuss it (or DH can, sometimes, except he has all the sensitivity of a flying sledgehammer) and things change. But still I felt she should be around when DS1 was brand new - babies are so special when they're brand new! [soppy]

I hope your SIL doesn't have a hormonal weepy fit after a few days when no one has made any attempt to see her PFB, but I suspect she will! I'd think about giving her a call the day they get home from the hospital to see if you can take them anything, or do anything for them (and your PILs to do the same) because I think she underestimates how much she might appreciate it. :)