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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is a little bit mean?

253 replies

scrunchiemount · 17/03/2015 10:35

SIL is preggers and the baby is due at the beginning of May. DH and I get along v well with both his DB and SIL, no issues at all. SIL has two other sisters who both have kids, but DH's and DB's parents have no other grandkids - this would be their first. DMIL in particular is super excited about the baby being born. She is an extremely quiet, gentle, non-interfering type of MIL - I think she is great. However DH received a call from his DB the other day saying when the baby is born they don't want any visitors at all for 4 weeks. I thought this was a bit sad for family who want to see the baby but recognise it's their first baby and it's totally up to them. However we have since found out the DSIL is allowing her parents to go and see the baby in the hospital, but not DH's parents. I think this is mean. DH is furious about it on behalf of his parents and wants to say something to his DB. I agree that it's mean but I don't think it's our place to say so.

I am not fussed on our behalf (obviously I would like to go and see the baby as soon as we can but I don't mind waiting a few weeks if that's what they want - I recognise it's up to them!) but I do think it's a little sad that DSIL's family will be allowed and not DBIL's. What does everyone think?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 17/03/2015 16:23

YANBU.

shovetheholly · 17/03/2015 16:23

blubber - I think it is more about the adults than the child, but I think that bonding in the nuclear family is the thing that matters, not the grandparents at this point. I would say different if a grandparent was going to be a primary carer, but otherwise to me this is a decision that is very much about the woman's comfort.

However, I can't have children myself (dealing with this at the moment, it's very very tough) so perhaps that explains why I don't understand this. In particular, I don't buy the argument that wider family will be more involved if they see the child at a young age. If wider family are not going to be interested, they're not going to be interested, whether they see the baby on day one or day thirty one. Surely, that's what love means? Conversely, if they are going to be involved and interested, the wait isn't that bad, is it?

All I can say is that if my sister told me that she didn't want to see me for 4 weeks after giving birth, I'd be fine with that. I don't care who she saw in the intervening weeks - I'd be there in the fifth week, when asked, with a big bunch of flowers, a box of nappies and some great cake, ready to support her in the way she needed (as I am sure the OP will be for her SIL).

The80sweregreat · 17/03/2015 16:27

Gsoh, my in laws showed up at the hospital the day my oldest was born! Even if i had said no, they would have turned up anyway.. Your mil sounds lovely, a quick visit for ten minutes wouldnt hurt. It all sounds very sad. I personally wouldnt say anything though, you may find that after a week,or so they might change their minds.

shovetheholly · 17/03/2015 16:30

"you may find that after a week,or so they might change their minds."

I think so too. It's probably more about them having space to find their feet and feel comfortable before inviting people in. For those who are introverts, the drain of having to deal with other people could feel really scary if you're already worried about your inability to cope with everything a new family entails.

SummerHouse · 17/03/2015 16:30

Flowers shovetheholly

You sound so tolerant and understanding and supportive and kind. The world is not bloody fair sometimes. I am so sorry.

BackforGood · 17/03/2015 16:32

The only way YABU is by completely undertating it.
this isn't "a little bit mean", this is downright nasty.

Apart from her not realising it's actually lovely to have supportive people around you after you have a baby, it's just completely unfair. As long as they are all reasonable people, then you treat both sets of Grandparents equally.

WorraLiberty · 17/03/2015 16:34

shovetheholly the mother doesn't even have to be there.

She can catch up on some kip for half an hour while her husband shows their baby to his family downstairs.

I think some posters are way over complicating this.

CrystalCove · 17/03/2015 16:35

Shove the holly, sorry to hear you are having to deal with what you are Flowers

Tizwailor · 17/03/2015 16:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsCakesPrecognitionisSwitched · 17/03/2015 16:36

It never ceases to amaze me how some people are prepared to shit all over their nearest and dearest in the rush to prioritise their own feelings above and beyond everyone else. Fair enough have some rules, fair enough keep control over expectations, but be prepared to empathise and compromise (unless the other people have a track record of being toxic).

shovetheholly · 17/03/2015 16:38

Summer - thanks. I start counselling for it next week. I hope it will help me to be able to see something other than a massive, lonely blank in the future. What actually makes it worse is that people I know post things like 'Don't let me hear anyone who is childless moan about being tired!'. I just had three rounds of surgery and I still can't have kids. I'm sure I am less tired, but I'd do anything to trade.

loveandsmiles · 17/03/2015 16:44

I think she is being unbelievably PFB and precious.

I don't see how having a quick peek at a new born will impact on her at all.

Unfortunately I have no parents or in-laws - she doesn't know how lucky she is - and I would love to have had family to show a new born off to.

When her DH returns to work, will she expect everyone to pander to her then??

I think she is in need of a reality check.

You sound lovely OP x

SummerHouse · 17/03/2015 17:00

shovetheholly I am lost for words. That puts everything into perspective. I really hope counselling helps. And that you find a way through this. I tend to go into practical mode and offer solutions when there are no solutions so sorry in advance... but for me, the worst few weeks of my life were helped with yoga, mantras (e.g. "I will make this ok") and running through everything that was good in my life before I went to sleep. I got through each day and it began to get easier and I was proud of myself.

Its a cruel world and totally unfair. Flowers

Strokethefurrywall · 17/03/2015 17:19

As usual, I agree with Worra

sorry to read your news shovetheholly Thanks

Cocolepew · 17/03/2015 17:20

Theres no reason why BIL couldn't take the baby to his parents house for a visit. Surely they aren't planning not to leave the house at all during the 2 weeks Confused

itsnotmeitsyou1 · 17/03/2015 17:24

Shovetheholly, I'm genuinely sorry to hear that. You sound like a caring, considerate, lovely person and people like you seem to get dealt the worst hands. This thread is petty arguing about someone else's life, and you've put in perspective why we shouldn't obsess about little things (especially those that are barely affect our lives). I hope you find happiness on the other side of your struggles Flowers.

mewkins · 17/03/2015 17:28

I would have a stern word with bil and sil if it were me. They are being unfair on your pil who, let's face it, will dote on their grandchild. Why do they want to exclude them?

blubberbobble87 · 17/03/2015 17:39

itsnotmeitsyou1 I don't believe it is petty arguing about someone else's life. family is so so so important. it shouldn't be dismissed and belittled.

megabelle · 17/03/2015 17:48

YANBU, it's a shame that they have said this, I had DTG and was in hospital for about 14 days after their birth, had a couple of visitors in hospital but when I got home no-one came to see us and I was bereft! My DMIL phoned a couple of days later and asked if she could see us, I was overjoyed! Maybe they will change their minds nearer to the time, I can understand for friends but not for immediate family.

mummytowillow · 17/03/2015 17:57

Very sad, but when she's up to her eyes in nappies, vomit, washing and sleep deprived she'll be begging her in laws to help!

lauralouise8 · 17/03/2015 17:58

Is this a new trend? Two friends have also done this very recently. They couldn't understand why their DMs and DMILs were so upset. I think it is such a shame: a new baby is important for the whole family. My lovely DPILs were camped out in the hospital car park for the duration of my labour. I was particularly touched as my parents already have a grandchild so the fact that DD is DPILs PFBGC (have I coined that?!) means a lot to me. Nutter SIL was hoping mad at being pipped to the post. You can't have a full set of sweethearts, I guess.

Very best of luck Shovetheholly.

itsnotmeitsyou1 · 17/03/2015 18:07

Family is important, but this is not yours or mine. It's only the OPs by marriage. We have no right to barate this woman, she's not banning the extended family for life and the father can always take the baby out for an hour if she really doesn't want to see anyone for two weeks. I've only been defending her as she can't do it herself. The poor woman has no idea there's a bunch of women on the internet currently calling her all sorts. However, it's none of my business, or yours or, as she has accepted, even OPs. The baby will see it's family, it won't be kept in a cupboard under the stairs a la Harry Potter I'm sure.

And don't lecture me about the importance of family. I'm not lucky enough to have my parents to even keep away for two weeks. I will personally have visitors when I feel ready to, I won't be emotionally blackmailed into it. However, I'm lucky to have a suppotive partner, and we're both aware how plans we make now could change at any time. He wouldn't get upset if I suggested a few days alone with our 'pbf', this is our new family and we want time to ourselves. That's not selfish.

blubberbobble87 · 17/03/2015 18:11

You don't think it's selfish that the husband gets no say in it?

BirdInTheRoom · 17/03/2015 18:14

I think the best thing your in laws can do is just say they completely understand and to let them know when they are up for visitors.

I can guarantee if they are not pushy about it, DBIL & SIL will be desperate for them to visit and show their new baby off - probably way before the two weeks is up!!

grannytomine · 17/03/2015 18:15

If she is pregnant with her first baby why are people talking about how traumatic it is and how vulnerable she is. She might pop it out without any problem. I remember seeing a neighbour in Sainsbury's shopping the day after her baby was born, they had stopped off on the way back from the hospital to pick up a few things.

When I had my first baby I was so excited I was bouncing off the ceiling, I couldn't get enough visitors. With a later birth I had an emergency section, if people came and I didn't feel up to it I left DH to deal with it and went and had a sleep, bath or whatever knowing baby was getting lots of attention and I could take a break without worrying.

Talk about creating a drama.

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