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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is a little bit mean?

253 replies

scrunchiemount · 17/03/2015 10:35

SIL is preggers and the baby is due at the beginning of May. DH and I get along v well with both his DB and SIL, no issues at all. SIL has two other sisters who both have kids, but DH's and DB's parents have no other grandkids - this would be their first. DMIL in particular is super excited about the baby being born. She is an extremely quiet, gentle, non-interfering type of MIL - I think she is great. However DH received a call from his DB the other day saying when the baby is born they don't want any visitors at all for 4 weeks. I thought this was a bit sad for family who want to see the baby but recognise it's their first baby and it's totally up to them. However we have since found out the DSIL is allowing her parents to go and see the baby in the hospital, but not DH's parents. I think this is mean. DH is furious about it on behalf of his parents and wants to say something to his DB. I agree that it's mean but I don't think it's our place to say so.

I am not fussed on our behalf (obviously I would like to go and see the baby as soon as we can but I don't mind waiting a few weeks if that's what they want - I recognise it's up to them!) but I do think it's a little sad that DSIL's family will be allowed and not DBIL's. What does everyone think?

OP posts:
itsnotmeitsyou1 · 17/03/2015 18:21

In the having visitors part? Not really, no. I think that the compromise was fair enough, no visitors for two weeks does harm to no one. Its not set in stone and I highly doubt the sil house will go into lock-down. The bil might visit with the baby outside the home. The fact is, whatever happens, it's not awful. It's different, a bit longer than some people would leave it for visitors, but not unheard of. What do people whant to do for half an hour anyway, 'just come to see the baby, ah yes, definitely a baby'. Yes I know, they want to coo, and pretend they can see similarities to baby and dad and Great Uncle Jonny, but it can get tedious. I'm sure this couple will work it out. If bil is really that put out by the arragments, I'm sure he's a big enough man to talk to his wife about it at some point. I just don't think that it's fair to discuss it when the person in question cannot answe for themselves.

Baddz · 17/03/2015 18:23

I know someone that did this.
She really regretted it.
It left her with pnd as she felt so isolated, but I guess after making such a fuss she didn't feel like she could back down.
I think it's pretty mean to include her parents and not her Dhs.
I don't really get it tbh.
There are so many articles in the papers and in magazines about how isolated new mums are now, and the huge rise in pnd.
I find this attitude quite sad.

MaryWestmacott · 17/03/2015 18:25

Worra - there is no way on earth I would upstairs without my baby while DH hosted downstairs, that would be ruder than saying "actually, i'm not up to visitors". There is no way i fyou are a person who would feel upset to have visitors seeing your house messy, the fact that you wouldn't be actively hosting them, you'd feel any less upset or feel the need to clean up.

In practice, refusig to come down to see your guests would cast a bigger shadow in most families than asking someone to wait a few days until you can see them and host them properly.

Babies under 2 months who are breastfed and the mother are a unit. And quite frankly, the mother and to a lesser extent the father are the only people on the planet that matter to that baby, they don't give a shit about grandparents and wider family, htey will not be bonding with GPs, it's for the GP's benefit, not the child's.

MaryWestmacott · 17/03/2015 18:26

OP - you might want to say to your SIL that while youher decision, she might want to bring the first visit forward a little so that her DH is still off work on paternity leave and can be there to do hosting duties, and then stress if she's not feeling up to visitors on the day, you would completely understand and won't mind if she asks you to reschedule.

blubberbobble87 · 17/03/2015 18:27

Mary, my grandmother was the only member of my family who ever gave a shit about me. When she died I was completely beside myself. But if I hadn't had her in my life then mentally I would have been even more of a disaster than I already am!

BackCrackAndNappySack · 17/03/2015 18:43

YANBU. These hypocritical, controlling Pregzilla women who lay down the law to their partners about keeping their his family away from the baby while somehow justifying access for their own parents get right up my nose.

Besides which, it really isn't necessary to have weeks to yourself before letting another human being other than your own mother and best friend and sister and anyone who isn't your PILS obviously see the baby. Anyone who fully expects to not be able to bond/feed/cope unless their partner's family are kept at arm's length for a month are obviously already so bloody neurotic and uptight about the whole thing that they are probably not going to cope very well anyway, whether MIL visits or not.

Sallystyle · 17/03/2015 18:46

In practice, refusig to come down to see your guests would cast a bigger shadow in most families than asking someone to wait a few days until you can see them and host them properly.

I hardly think so.

It's easy enough to say hello and explain that you aren't feeling too good and going to take a bit of time for yourself while they cuddle the baby. I can't think of one person in my or my dh's family who would ever have a problem with that.

MyHaloIsChokingMe · 17/03/2015 19:04

I never understand people that say no visitors for x amount of time after baby is born before they have the child. My SIL did this and she waited, and waited and waited for anyone to visit after her imposed 'no visiting' time was up. In fact, none of our family have visited. My mother died 2 weeks after the baby was born very suddenly. She never got to see her grandson due to a no visiting rule imposed on her. That, to me, was enough of a reason never to break breath to the selfish bitch again. She was also told to stay away from the funeral.

She had a straightforward birth with no problems. There was absolutely no reason not to allow grandparents to see their grandson except for her "rules".

itsnotmeitsyou1 · 17/03/2015 19:13

Halo, I'm very sorry you lost your mother so suddenly. It must have been a terrible shock. I don't understand why this makes your sil a Bitch that you don't speak to though. She had no idea that would happen, you are cutting her child out from the rest of its family because of her choice?

run2 · 17/03/2015 19:15

Your husband should say something. Or is there even any way it would be appropriate/more effective if you did? Mediation kind of thing...

MyHaloIsChokingMe · 17/03/2015 19:22

itsnot My parents lived a 5 minute drive from DB. They were not the interfering type. The most my mum would have done is offered to do washing/make coffee/bake/make meals. My mum was so desperate for a few minutes to see the new baby. SIL imposed a 3 week no visitors rule, however her own parents were there from the day the baby was born as were her sisters. My DB has now left her and we see the little one a lot. I will never be able to break breath to SIL after what she did to my mum though as it was heartbreaking to watch.

WorraLiberty · 17/03/2015 19:22

MaryWestmacott you make it sound like a dinner party! Grin

These are not guests, they're her DH's parents popping in so he can show them his child.

I didn't really understand the bit about the messy house though?

Original poster
scrunchiemount · 17/03/2015 19:28

Halo I'm so sorry that is awful.

Run2, I don't know, we have a good relationship so I have considered saying something to her nicely but I don't want to cause a whole drama. DH has been speaking to his brother this evening and apparently SIL has now said she only wants visitors on a Tuesday morning?! This is definitely unfair on PIL as both are teachers and won't be able to take annual leave.

OP posts:
MrsPeterQuill · 17/03/2015 19:29

backcrackandnappysack you've said it far more articulately than I could have applauds

For those agreeing with the SIL, let's hope that your babies are girls and not boys, for one day you may be the MIL who is not allowed to see their grandchild for a month...

itsnotmeitsyou1 · 17/03/2015 19:30

Having her own parents there but not your mum was rude, I can see why that caused hurt feelings. I will agree, unless there's a very good reason, you can't treat one set of grandparents different from another.

WorraLiberty · 17/03/2015 19:35

She's taking the piss with the Tuesday morning thing OP

Hopefully your BIL will stop pandering to her and take their baby to visit his parents.

Or he'll invite them round to see the baby for 20 minutes while she's in the bath or something.

He shouldn't have to put up with her controlling everything.

Original poster
scrunchiemount · 17/03/2015 19:41

I don't think BIL will do that as I doubt SIL will want to be away from the baby (which I get).

She does tend to dictate most of what they do but it seems to work for them. I do feel upset about this now as it feels she is deliberately excluding PIL.

OP posts:
FuckItBucket · 17/03/2015 19:55

Jesus!

MN is like another world to me at times.

My son had his first sleep over at 2 week old with my mum. I had bio dad, dad and stepdad in the hospital room with me visiting my son at the same time!

Now that's awkward!

Original poster
scrunchiemount · 17/03/2015 20:00

FuckItBucket I know what you mean, I do encounter opinions/actions on here that I'm sure I've never encountered IRL. Til now with SIL.

I think part of the the issue is we over-think parenting a bit these days. Women have been doing it for centuries. I do think it gets overblown a little. But again that's maybe because I was so used growing up to having lots of babies and children around that it doesn't seem frightening or much of a big deal. As my mum said, she just muddled through with all six of us and hoped for the best Smile

OP posts:
FuckItBucket · 17/03/2015 20:01

Same mum has 7 Grin

Hope it all works out anyway

Tizwailor · 17/03/2015 20:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thurlow · 17/03/2015 20:23

part of the the issue is we over-think parenting a bit these days

Oh, definitely agree with that. Especially on places like MN. I love this place, but sometimes it can really make an idea stick in your head and cause you to over-think things.

It's so easy to read websites and blogs and pick up this idea that you should stay in for the first few weeks and limit visitors and then plan for that, ignoring everything else.

FuckItBucket · 17/03/2015 20:49

Tiz makes perfect sense if know me Grin

Tizwailor · 17/03/2015 20:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
scrunchiemount · 17/03/2015 20:57

So I just had a convo with SIL. Didn't bring this up as didn't feel was the right time but she said "Don't you find it unreasonable that people want to come and see the baby straightaway?"

Didn't know what to say but I said I saw her point but that it might be nice if she let the GPs pop in for 30 minutes at least.

At which point she said this would not be ok as she would be using the time after the birth to clean the house?! Hence why she suggested the Tuesday morning time as she could prepare herself for visitors?!

She sounded a bit manic tbh so I just left it in the end.

OP posts: