to think this is a little bit mean?

[scrunchiemount]

SIL is preggers and the baby is due at the beginning of May. DH and I get along v well with both his DB and SIL, no issues at all. SIL has two other sisters who both have kids, but DH's and DB's parents have no other grandkids - this would be their first. DMIL in particular is super excited about the baby being born. She is an extremely quiet, gentle, non-interfering type of MIL - I think she is great. However DH received a call from his DB the other day saying when the baby is born they don't want any visitors at all for 4 weeks. I thought this was a bit sad for family who want to see the baby but recognise it's their first baby and it's totally up to them. However we have since found out the DSIL is allowing her parents to go and see the baby in the hospital, but not DH's parents. I think this is mean. DH is furious about it on behalf of his parents and wants to say something to his DB. I agree that it's mean but I don't think it's our place to say so.

I am not fussed on our behalf (obviously I would like to go and see the baby as soon as we can but I don't mind waiting a few weeks if that's what they want - I recognise it's up to them!) but I do think it's a little sad that DSIL's family will be allowed and not DBIL's. What does everyone think?

A friend of mine having her first, set down rules like this, no visiting until they allow it, probably 3 - 4 weeks, and no one to come to the hospital at all...until she ended up needing a section and needed far flung parents (hers and his) to turn up after all to help out, after announcing the birth by text to everyone at the same time (not even a call to their parents)

Then they summoned/invited all (again far flung) relatives they had told not to visit, for an hour visit 1 week later with a days notice and were upset when nobody could make it that day (think 700 mile round trip).

Well I think if she doesn't want visitors,for,two weeks that's totally up to her, and in no way her being "precious". Both parents can wait two weeks for gods sake.

She doesn't have to have visitors.

Her DH should be able to introduce their child to his parents if he wishes, without having to wait for permission.

I don't understand people refusing visitors full stop to be honest.

A new baby is part if a wider family and hopefully the community and it's lovely people want to visit and congratulate you and meet the baby.

I think it's all a bit precious.

Cracks me up when people say 'she will be bleeding.'

Like it's going to be gushing from your ears or something.

Tiz I understand what you are saying but I was bloody glad my DM and MIL took turns to be with me. I was in hospital for a week after emcs and twins in nicu, they were really helpful and my MIL was full of admiration for me and the fact the twins survived (on ventilators) prem birth. However, if she was like your mil I would've told her to f off! It is dependant on how nice the people in your family are to you.

Which is why I said tizwailor that of course if someone has had a harder birth it is understandable they may want some time on their own to recover, but 4 weeks is too long imo and even 2 weeks. I am not suggesting people should visit the same day, or even after a couple of days.

My husband dealt with any visitors. I never had to entertain them and we were happy enough to limit the visits if needed.

I think there is a middle ground, I don't see why people can't allow a grandparent a quick 30 minute visit and if they aren't up to visitors let the partner take over. DH's nan can annoy me quite a lot so I planned to say a quick hello then had a bath leaving her to my husband. She got to see the baby, I didn't have to spend time with her, DH got to show his nan our new baby. Everyone was happy.

Perhaps that is the difference. I never felt I needed to entertain visitors or look good and I always felt able to let dh take over while I took some time for myself if it got too much. If people don't have a partner to help out or he is working I can see it being more difficult, but even then I can't think of a single reason to limit grandparents visiting for four weeks that isn't precious and really selfish. Toxic parents/inlaws not included.

Yeah, I bleed once a month.

Just as heavy, if not heavier than what I did when I had babies.

she's having to go without the support of her own mum when she's just had a baby to avoid upsetting her MIL. Barmy.

Not wanting to pick a hole in this, but surely the new baby has two parents, and both parents have a right to chose/allow their own parents to meet a baby?

I think they will change their mind after the event. After a few days at home and when they are more settled, I think they will be desperate to show off the new baby. I think they are just making sure that everyone knows they want some privacy at first. Better to set the limits up front and then relax if they feel able to cope than the other way round.
I hope your family will let them do this without any comment - sounds like they are a bit worried and nervous.

*Madamecastafiore Tue 17-Mar-15 15:00:11
Cracks me up when people say 'she will be bleeding.'

Like it's going to be gushing from your ears or something.*

Ha!! I just laughed out loud in the office! Absolutely so true.

I am due in July (DC3), my only request has been that people wait until I get home from hospital to visit.

Just don't understand all the angst around visitors.

When I had mine you typically had a week in hospital with very limited visiting times and I was very happy to see anyone who cared to visit. My MIL was housebound and we knew she was desperate to see our new dc but she understood that I had just come out of hospital.

On Christmas Day 2 weeks after dc1 was born dh and I went to see her (arranged through SIL as a total surprise) and I will never forget the joy on her face when she saw us with our new dc. It was worth the 120 mile round trip - by the next Christmas Day MIL had died and she never met dc2 although she knew I was pregnant.

Good memories.

Yes I guess we don't know how this woman feels about her MIL. I do think if people back off and respect her boundaries a bit, she may well want to see them sooner. I also feel that there is a huge difference in having your Mother close by after something so undignified as giving birth, than a non blood relative, unless you are close.

She. doesn't. have. to. see. anyone

Her DH wants to show their baby to his parents, without having to wait until it's 2 weeks old.

as someone with no family at all who bothered to come and see my and my DD when she was born, I would be grateful for any visitors at all who cared to make the effort.

My DP walked out on both of us when she was two weeks old, my mother and siblings didn't come to see us, his parents weren't bothered.

I had a few friends who cared and still do but that was it.

The moaning about annoying family members does get to me sometimes - I get it when they're toxic (as mine are), but to be honest if they're well intentioned I think you should be grateful they want to see you.

I wish DD had a big extended family that wanted to participate in her life.

That's sad blubber you are absolutely right to bring up that point. My friends mum died of breast cancer whilst pregnant with her 1st and was devastated she never met any of her DG"s. As you rightly say some new parents are estranged from family or they have passed on. This thread must seem bloody insensitive to you and others likewise affected.

tiz and worra SIL has made this decision, BIL would like his parents, her parents, her sisters and DH and I to come and see the baby quite soon after it is born. As I've said, we all live within reasonable distances (DH and I are only 10 mins down the road...) so we would absolutely not stay for a long time, would not expect to be hosted, and would not poke our noses in. either way, it's her decision, just don't want people mistakenly thinking what I am asking for is for us to go in, stay for three weeks and completely take over the house.

blubber i am so sorry, that is awful. when I think of it that way it does make me feel like they are being a little unreasonable.

No I don't think so Tiz, OP has said her BIL doesn't agree, by the sounds of it he's just going along with what his wife wants. Bodes really well for the future.
I think it's odd wanting to wait 2 weeks but it's THEIR choice not just hers, so I find it interesting that some posters are going on about it being her baby and her decision, like Dad doesn't matter. Sad.

I think it is a bit mean I had DC1 my mum, mil and sil were in the waiting area and saw him about an hour after his birth. It was 3.30am and they stayed an 15 minutes well my mum stayed a little longer. DC2 only visitors I had were my mum and mil, I honestly didn't mind introducing my babies too their family. I would have went crazy not seeing anyone for a couple of weeks too.

i do understand that just because I haven't got a family doesn't mean everyone should feel that theirs are great all the time. because obviously lots aren't, and mine wasn't (and isn't). But from the sounds of it OP's SIL seems to have a nice, loving family around her who just want to pop in and see the baby quickly, and I would have absolutely loved that with DD. I can remember lying there on the sofa with her when she was a week old and feeling completely and utterly alone. all I wanted was for other people to love her. instead I felt and still feel like I'm all she's got in the world.

I think when people are part of a very tight couple (as it sounds like with your SIL and BIL OP) they can forget that these units aren't always forever and if they come to an end for whatever reason then to have extended family and friends who love you and your DCs is so so important, and not something to brush away as annoying. i would have put up with a slightly interfering MIL (and it doesn't sound like the OP's is like that at all) for DD to feel like she had a bit more love coming in other than just me...

I've been trying to articulate what bothers me about this all day... and I think I've got a bit closer now. To me, this is like the circles of care when people are sick: you have to comfort in, and dump out: www.girlfriendcircles.com/blog/index.php/2013/04/how-to-respond-to-a-friend-in-crisis/

I feel like having your first child is a Very Big Deal. And that, really, the focus of that experience needs to be 110% on the little nuclear family with a sudden new addition: Mum, Dad (or second Mum!), baby. Basically, whatever it takes to make that family feel happy and adjust to this colossal, amazing, terrifying adjustment to their life needs to happen. They are the priority. They go in the first circle.

I do think that, because birth is so intensely physical and therefore so intensely female as an experience, the woman's wishes need to come first. If she feels comfortable with her own mother there, but not the mother-in-law, that seems fine to me. I see no argument here that there is an injustice in allowing one set of relations to be present over another, if the woman at the heart of it all is more comfortable that way (and I imagine that a lot of women would be a lot more comfortable accompanied by their own mother than their mother-in-law).

Basically, in my view, everyone should put the unit at the heart of things first - and they shouldn't dump 'in' onto them by putting any unnecessary expectations or demands on them. I feel like underlying many of these AIBUs about visiting and birth is a tussle about social priority between the adults, which has very little to do with the interests of the child or the family (not saying you are like this, OP, it's more of a general comment about threads like this, which recur regularly). In other words, there is a kind of competition about when X or Y gets to see the child and how that compares to others - it's kind of a weird pecking order. Short of a couple inviting absolutely everyone to witness the birth itself, I can't see how the couple at the centre of it all can avoid offending someone! So I'm not surprised some are saying 'no visitors until we know we are coping' instead of dealing with that pressure.

I realise that the experience of actually giving birth is a bit different from visiting, but I think the same rough principles apply. More and more couples these days are cautious about how they will react and want space and time to play it their way and to have time and space to experience it together. It sounds like the OP's family are quite close, but in many other cases, the bonds of family are loosening somewhat - if you live miles away from people, and they're not going to play a huge part in the child's life in terms of caregiving, then I don't think there is the same sense that the child is born into a family-community or the same urgency to 'introduce them'. (The community may well be that of friends instead).

I had a baby with a bubble pallet (means nothing but breast feeding can be difficult), so I was cup feeding and expressing whist packing up the house to move when he was two weeks old. I was in hospital for 6 days for various reasons and had a third degree tear. No way would I have been selfish enough to deny a visit to anyone who wanted to come but on one day, we had 10 people round and it was too much. Perhaps it is better to be selfish. But I would still treat parents and PILs the same.

shovetheholly but this is the point I was making. these little nuclear families are sadly not always forever. mine was not and now it is just DD and me. I would love to have had his family interested, as mine weren't. putting the unit first all the time often means you have nothing else if it suddenly goes away.

and i would argue that your argument re: social priorities is wrong, I think that the not wanting any visitors thing is far more about the adult than the child. putting your child first is building a relationship with those that love them from as early as possible. obvs not twenty people crowding into a hospital room, but one half hour visit is not going to hurt anyone.

Shovetheholly but thus isn't about the birth, who's there and who visits shortly afterwards - originally OPs SIL was going to allow her own parents to see their new Grand child but not her husbands parents to see their new grand child for 4 weeks - nasty, unnecessary and down right divisive.....why should the woman's wishes come first regarding this?