to think this is a little bit mean?

[scrunchiemount]

SIL is preggers and the baby is due at the beginning of May. DH and I get along v well with both his DB and SIL, no issues at all. SIL has two other sisters who both have kids, but DH's and DB's parents have no other grandkids - this would be their first. DMIL in particular is super excited about the baby being born. She is an extremely quiet, gentle, non-interfering type of MIL - I think she is great. However DH received a call from his DB the other day saying when the baby is born they don't want any visitors at all for 4 weeks. I thought this was a bit sad for family who want to see the baby but recognise it's their first baby and it's totally up to them. However we have since found out the DSIL is allowing her parents to go and see the baby in the hospital, but not DH's parents. I think this is mean. DH is furious about it on behalf of his parents and wants to say something to his DB. I agree that it's mean but I don't think it's our place to say so.

I am not fussed on our behalf (obviously I would like to go and see the baby as soon as we can but I don't mind waiting a few weeks if that's what they want - I recognise it's up to them!) but I do think it's a little sad that DSIL's family will be allowed and not DBIL's. What does everyone think?

Settheworldonfire says it brilliantly! Agree with her 100%.

she'll be desperate for visitors after a couple of days - it's great to have visitors to make you a cup of tea and maybe a sandwich or a meal. Silly woman.

YANBU at all. Incredibly selfish IMHO

I think the SIL is feeling panicky and wants to retain some control. I wouldn't be surprised if she revises her views once the baby is born. And actually, it's far easier to say " no visitors" and then ease up, than let the world and his wife turn up to see the baby and then try to set limits. ( although it does seem rough on the parents/PIL. ) It's really between the SIL and her own DH anyway.
All credit to you, OP, for your support and concern, especially given your own circumstances.

thanks everyone for advice! I've sent her a text this morning just saying to call me if she wants to talk and not to stress out about anything, it will all be ok. I think you are right in that she is really panicking. as I've said before she was not really sure she wanted kids for years and generally isn't a big fan of babies. I think she is obviously expecting it to be different once she has her own but it is bothering her.

I think she is expecting everyone to judge what she is doing, which is a shame (but probably happens a lot I imagine!). She is quite OCD about cleaning so maybe that is also part of the reason.

That is so horrible, it's beyond mean. Tbh I've never ever heard of anyone doing this. Such a joyous occasion, the birth of their first baby and first grandchild for your inlaws totally soured. It's bizarre, most new parents are so excited with their new baby they can't wait to show it off. They really need to get over themselves, they're having a baby, it should be a joyous time for all. I wonder if this is just the start of things regarding their baby.

Someone needs to tell her that, truly, no one will be interested in the state of the house. Most people will simply want to meet the baby, help a bit if possible, and wish the new parents well.

Sounds like she's thinking things through a bit more and considering things, just as you all are showing consideration for her.

Cheer up. She could be much, much worse.

springtulip I don't know, I hope it's just because it's their first baby and SIL is a massive control freak (and I do not mean that in a nasty way, that's her own description of herself too).

I've said before on this thread that they've been together for so long, since so long, that they can be a little exclusive as a couple. All well and good but as someone else on this thread pointed out, couples don't always last forever for whatever reason, so extended family is very important, assuming all relationships are good and no toxicity etc, which there isn't in this case.

My mum does my head in sometimes but whenever I catch myself feeling really wound up by her I remember (a) how lucky I am that she's just normal 'mum-annoying' and not a horrible person and (b) how much I'm dreading the day when she isn't here any more.

Twinklethis JESUS CHRIST.

I am speechless.

Sorry only just seen the update. At least they're all being treated the same now, but no visitors for two weeks?? Still bizarre. Theyre acting like royalty, bestowing the honour of a visit to meet the heir to the throne.
Just wait till the child is born, get a few sleepiness nights behind them, think they'll be glad of a welcome visit off grandparent to give them a bit of a break somehow.

Dear Jesus Christ on a bike, Twinkle, that has made my week.

That is amazing.

Glad you appreciated it, scrunchie and Thurlow. The blogger doesn't seem to update that often, but there's a wealth of back posts from which to choose, all equally jaw-dropping and entertaining. I've wasted hours reading.

Anyone else think Twinkle's link is going to be the norm on Mumsnet in a few years time?

Twinkle very amusing the blogs!

She's really freaking out, isn't she? It's coming out in this need to control her environment to the extent that she cant see anything else. If she's like this now, imagine what lack of sleep and the general demands of a newborn will do .

Are you in a position where you could offer just to be there if she needs you? Also, I used to tell a friend who was incredibly worried about impending parenthood that she was going to be a great mum because 'X' quite often, ie you're going to be a great mum because you are so kind, so thoughtful, so much fun etc. She probably thought I was a twat for being so relentlessly positive, but I hope it made her feel a bit better at a time when she was very stressed.

worra I do worry. I see so much stuff on here that makes my jaw drop. When we do have a DC (hopefully in the next year or so), I do not think I am going to be very popular!!!

I remember when my stepsister had a baby, she was totally freaked out about him being near animals. Any animal at all. We have a dog, two cats and a tortoise and we were told to shut them all outside before he came in the house . The dog is elderly and pretty infirm, the tortoise just sits under a lamp all day not moving, and the cats would have given any baby a wide birth anyway!

nailit yes I will help her out any way I can!

You sound really understanding, scrunchie. I could tell you tales of my own control-freakery after DC1's birth, which crescendoed into PND. I can look back and laugh at my antics now but at the time I honestly thought the world would end if visitors didn't wash and anti-bac gel their hands before holding the baby.

Clearly I was hanging on by a thread.

nailit I do worry about SIL with PND. Their family isn't really one for 'talking' about stuff. I suffer from depression and anxiety periodically myself but I was brought up in a family where we talked about everything so I'm able to ask for help if I need it. SIL is very uptight about her feelings and I think she would find it tricky to ask for help.

Wow. Nate and Angelica. Just…wow. Are these people even real? Someone tell me they are a spoof couple, please God.

I remember my mother changing the cat litter with my brother in her other arm....

We have all grown up healthy and happy!

Op re the cleaning could you offer to help or find a cleaner to help out (can be a one off)?

Is there a book or website you could direct her to which isn't all ott re new babies?

I like the idea of support, maybe coffee out or shopping for baby with you would help so she feels she can confide in you.

Scrunchiemount, I think you're going to have to play it by ear.

It does sound like your SIL is very anxious and trying to control her environment as she faces the screaming ab dabs of childbirth. She sounds like she needs to do what she's doing.

But it is her decision how she goes from here, not yours, and she seems to have a very different family to yours, so you have to respect that.

Maybe her DH will be able to steer her in a more reasonable direction which will be better for her if she does have depression, but I don't think that will be any of your doing.

At this point I'd ask her is she needs any practical help, and suggest she gets a cleaner to come in so she's not exhausted cleaning up her house for her visitors. Maybe you could help her there?

She may well be having a horrible time with hormones, and my have anxiety/depression already, so anything that makes her feel more in control is better for her and her baby at this time.

She may change her mind after her baby is born as things change then.

Fwiw, I agree with some of the things that twinkles blog link said.

For my first, I had streams of people popping in at all hours (later and earlier than agreed) expecting me to serve them tea, with milk and two sugars (but never brought milk) and meals (if they stayed too long and were a bit peckish) and they stayed for hours, sitting on the sofas, without lifting a finger around the house, or even making me a cup of tea.

Someone came with her two kids who had raging tonsillitis and nits.
Someone was totally miffed as she rocked up 45 minutes late and I wanted to breastfeed, and she was too embarrassed, and upset that my baby needed quiet, so my babe had a meltdown with hunger (as I delayed the feed for 20 minutes until I couldn't any longer) and screamed with wind all night.
Someone came at lunch time, empty handed and unannounced, went into the bedroom, and picked up my sleeping baby, waking her up, so I had no time to sit down and eat my lunch with the luxury of two hands! I was starving, but had to quieten down my screaming baby all over again.

It was a fucking nightmare. I do wish I had had two weeks at least where no one visited. Even thinking about those visitors (family and friends) makes me stabby all over again.

I got wise.

I think people have to understand that the SIL is filled with anxiety, maybe more than the average new mother, because she seems to like to have control in her life.

Yes, her husband will have changes in his life but SIL will bear the brunt of these changes: hormonally, physically, and emotionally. So while it might sound mean, pathetic, and whatever names you want to call it, this woman needs the time. Give her her time. This woman sounds like someone who likely didn't plan to have any children in her life. She and her husband decided to on having one. She is still coming to grips with it. So just give her the time. She might be able to take like a duck to water, she might not. We don't know and she doesn't know. She wants to give herself time, that's all.

Her husband has a right to be unhappy with the decision and might not fully comprehending why but he is supporting her because its important to her, even if its a bit irrational. Its rational to her and her need to some semblance of control in a time that will be uncontrollable.

OP, you are talking from both sides of your mouth. Its her choice but its mean (I am paraphrasing here).

The DSiL sounds like a nightmare. Best plan. Say nothing. Do nothing. The only mitigating factor would be if there are medical factors you don't know about. I would have given my eye teeth to have had two sets of doting GPs living close to us when our children were tiny. We did it all on our own. This woman has the luxury of dispensing favou