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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is a little bit mean?

253 replies

scrunchiemount · 17/03/2015 10:35

SIL is preggers and the baby is due at the beginning of May. DH and I get along v well with both his DB and SIL, no issues at all. SIL has two other sisters who both have kids, but DH's and DB's parents have no other grandkids - this would be their first. DMIL in particular is super excited about the baby being born. She is an extremely quiet, gentle, non-interfering type of MIL - I think she is great. However DH received a call from his DB the other day saying when the baby is born they don't want any visitors at all for 4 weeks. I thought this was a bit sad for family who want to see the baby but recognise it's their first baby and it's totally up to them. However we have since found out the DSIL is allowing her parents to go and see the baby in the hospital, but not DH's parents. I think this is mean. DH is furious about it on behalf of his parents and wants to say something to his DB. I agree that it's mean but I don't think it's our place to say so.

I am not fussed on our behalf (obviously I would like to go and see the baby as soon as we can but I don't mind waiting a few weeks if that's what they want - I recognise it's up to them!) but I do think it's a little sad that DSIL's family will be allowed and not DBIL's. What does everyone think?

OP posts:
ClockwiseCat · 17/03/2015 10:50

It's terrible, thoughtless behaviour and I feel sorry for poor MIL unless there's some massive dripfeed on the way Sad

Original poster
scrunchiemount · 17/03/2015 10:53

OhMjh I don't even think DSIL has an issue with either her MIL or FIL, I just think she's a bit controlling and I know she was slightly dreading having a baby due to the fact that she wouldn't be in control of so many things any more (I know this because she told me). I also know she is feeling really weird about breastfeeding etc so maybe it's to do with that. Though I have to say even that is totally alien to me....I just remember my mum whipping her boob out wherever when she was breastfeeding.

OP posts:
MumRaah · 17/03/2015 10:53

Yanbu...that's really fucking mean Sad

PrettyLittleMitty · 17/03/2015 10:53

That is unfair and a bit mean. Having had 4dcs myself, I understand the need for space and bonding time with the baby before hoards of visitors turn up. But a month? that's awfully long to keep grandparents away from their new grandchild.

SaucyJack · 17/03/2015 10:53

I think it's mean too, but then I've never been the sort to hide away after birth anyway. I've always been delighted for people to come round and bring me presents so I can show the baby off.

FernGullysWoollyPully · 17/03/2015 10:53

It is sad. I respect what parents want, I appreciate that it can be overwhelming with loads of people wanting to book a time slot. It can be stressful. And I have to say I found it horrendous having to entertain loads of visitors as soon as I'd given birth but I think this is just wrong excluding his parents but not hers. I think something should be said. Don't go full force because that could make it worse but ask if it would be ok for immediate family to visit a couple of days after the baby is born.

WildFlowersAttractBees · 17/03/2015 10:54

How cruel. A quick visit from both sets of grandparents isn't a lot to ask.

Original poster
scrunchiemount · 17/03/2015 10:55

thanks everyone. to be honest when I first heard I was a little bit upset from my own perspective too, as I'd so wanted to see the baby in the first week or so! We live close by so could just pop over for ten minutes. But I thought I was just being a bit precious and recognised it wasn't about me and DH. But then when I heard about her family being allowed, I thought, that's definitely not on.

OP posts:
OhMjh · 17/03/2015 10:56

Being a fairly new mother myself to a 15 week old, I can appreciate the being scared bit, even the breastfeeding bit ( mainly due to MILs over interest) but it's not difficult to pop into another room for 10 minutes or pop a muslin over yourself if you're feeling that self conscious. It's hardly like they're asking to watch her give birth Confused. I am wondering is she's concerned about the house being a mess/how she looks if she's a bit of a control freak, and keeping people at bay until she's back to feeling a bit more human.

HamishBamish · 17/03/2015 10:56

YANBU, it's ridiculous. Even your SIL is exhausted and doesn't want to see anyone, there's no reason for your PIL not to see the baby. She doesn't have to be in the room.

Hullygully · 17/03/2015 10:59

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

whoopsbunny · 17/03/2015 11:01

I think it's a bit mean and a bit strange tbh. I couldn't wait to show baby off.

I suppose if she is most insistent, her wishes should be respected though. But 4 weeks? People will drop in unexpectedly with gifts/cards anyway - well ime they did anyway - and I'd prefer to know when they're calling in.

HazleNutt · 17/03/2015 11:04

I can understand not wanting visitors in the hospital, when you're still exhausted, bleeding and sleep-deprived. But asking grandparents to stay away for a month is really unreasonable (unless there's some huge back story, which does not seem to be the case here).

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 17/03/2015 11:04

I have no issue with sil's own parents only at the hospital. She will be bleeding and recovering from a big physical trauma so I don't blame them for wanting a bit of space.

But, the 4 weeks thing is harsh. A short visit (eg less than an hour) and avoiding day 3/4 when the milk comes in when she is likely to be weepy or hormonal days is fine. 4 weeks is too long and unkind.

Rivercam · 17/03/2015 11:06

Definitely mean. I think a quiet word is needed about how much the gp are looking forward to seeing heir first grandchild, and couldn't they visit in the first few days, if only for half an hour or so, especially as other gp are visiting. If you get more negative replies maybe ask what the issue is. It may be something minor which can be overcome.

Original poster
scrunchiemount · 17/03/2015 11:06

UPDATE: just had a phone call from DH who called his DBIL this AM (didn't know he was going to do that!) to say he thought it was unfair.

Result is that now they've decided they want two weeks with no visitors at all (not even her parents), and then people can come and see the baby....

OP posts:
Tizwailor · 17/03/2015 11:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
scrunchiemount · 17/03/2015 11:07

PS sorry I realise from my first post I insinuated I thought DPIL should be allowed at the hospital...I definitely don't think that, just home visiting.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 17/03/2015 11:11

I think they are being selfish. If I was a close relative and was told to stay away for four weeks, I'd feel like staying away for good. Honestly, that's how these family rifts happen.

plantsitter · 17/03/2015 11:12

No offence OP but you can't judge it by what your mum did in front of you - by definition you weren't seeing her with her first baby, and you're her daughter so obviously intimately acquainted. Breast feeding can be tricky to establish and get used to.

However I do think it's a shame that your SIL is planning to exclude her DH's family for 4 weeks. I can totally understand only wanting your own parents at the hospital (in your nightie, possibility of blood stains etc), but it does seem a bit weird to leave it 4 WEEKS.

I reckon the only thing your MIL can do is voice being very sympathetic and say that if SIL feels able she would love to see the baby sooner, but that obviously it's her decision. If she's worried about losing control best to reinforce that you all think she's in charge but would love the chance to meet the baby early on if she can manage it.

plantsitter · 17/03/2015 11:12

Oh sorry just saw your update! SHe may change her mind (probably will change her mind imo).

Whatisaweekend · 17/03/2015 11:13

Good grief! Precious much?! I understand that a new baby is a daunting prospect but could they not say that both sets of grandparents could pop in just for 10 mins only?!! I think they are making a problem where none exists.

I am glad, though, that both sets of grandparents are now being treated the same. If your MIL was an overbearing horror then I might agree with your SIL but she shoulds lovely!!

ShadowStone · 17/03/2015 11:15

This sounds very extreme, and sad for your MIL.

I can understand not wanting long visits straight away, or not wanting to see a gone immediately after the birth, but to exclude one set of grandparents completely for 4 weeks while allowing the other set to visit does sound unkind.

ImperialBlether · 17/03/2015 11:15

Oh for god's sake, can you imagine that woman's tears on day 3 when she realises she hasn't had any visitors?

ShadowStone · 17/03/2015 11:17

Oh, just saw your update. It sounds much better now that both sets of grandparents are being treated equally.