Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is a little bit mean?

253 replies

scrunchiemount · 17/03/2015 10:35

SIL is preggers and the baby is due at the beginning of May. DH and I get along v well with both his DB and SIL, no issues at all. SIL has two other sisters who both have kids, but DH's and DB's parents have no other grandkids - this would be their first. DMIL in particular is super excited about the baby being born. She is an extremely quiet, gentle, non-interfering type of MIL - I think she is great. However DH received a call from his DB the other day saying when the baby is born they don't want any visitors at all for 4 weeks. I thought this was a bit sad for family who want to see the baby but recognise it's their first baby and it's totally up to them. However we have since found out the DSIL is allowing her parents to go and see the baby in the hospital, but not DH's parents. I think this is mean. DH is furious about it on behalf of his parents and wants to say something to his DB. I agree that it's mean but I don't think it's our place to say so.

I am not fussed on our behalf (obviously I would like to go and see the baby as soon as we can but I don't mind waiting a few weeks if that's what they want - I recognise it's up to them!) but I do think it's a little sad that DSIL's family will be allowed and not DBIL's. What does everyone think?

OP posts:
Moomaloo · 17/03/2015 10:38

That is really sad. I think your brother should have a word with his brother. He is probably the only one that can. Poor PIL.

nocutsnobuttsnococonuts · 17/03/2015 10:39

I can understand the not wanting visitors after a baby - no-one should be made to feel guilty for wanting that time alone with new family.

However it is v unfair to allow one side of the family and not the other. but maybe they might change their minds once baby comes along.

WorraLiberty · 17/03/2015 10:40

YANBU at all

She sounds like a Mumzilla before the baby's even made an appearance.

Some people are just like that. They get all control freakish, maybe because it makes them feel important.

honeyroar · 17/03/2015 10:41

Yes that's really mean of them. Thoughtless.

MrsFlannel · 17/03/2015 10:41

I agree with you OP. I also find it REALLY weird that people on MN and in life in general insist on this "no visitors" thing and get very precious. Of course the first day or two is normal to want to be quiet but it never occurred to me to go into hiding after my babies were born! People just arrived and I was glad!

If someone's had a traumatic birth of course then this is different but most births aren't...why must people be so odd about it all?

Original poster
scrunchiemount · 17/03/2015 10:42

nocuts yes I agree, and I respect that decision, it's just the inclusion of her family and not DH's that I find upsetting...

I don't know whether the reason I feel strongly about it is because I come from a huge family...am eldest of six kids with lots of relatives etc, and whenever my mum had a baby I remember everyone important to her coming to visit and it was lovely. I know that is not how a lot of people want it, which is fine by me. DH and DSIL have been together since they were about 13 years old so as a couple they are a little exclusive...I think DH has changed a bit in his interpretation of what family is since he became part of mine.

I just feel his parents are lovely and I feel very sorry for them they aren't being included.

OP posts:
Original poster
scrunchiemount · 17/03/2015 10:42

sorry, meant DBIL and DSIL!

OP posts:
bonkersLFDT20 · 17/03/2015 10:42

That's really sad.

How did you find out about the different agreement for her parents and his parents?

Mostlyjustaluker · 17/03/2015 10:43

This is always on the pregnancy board. This is not my opinion, I am just avoiding doing exercise. Birth is a major physical trauma and it is only right that mum will want to be there to look after her adult daughter who has just given birth but husband's mum is only their to see grand child not look after the new mum. They might just be saying 4 week so they can say come earlier. There maybe complications that you are unaware of.

Original poster
scrunchiemount · 17/03/2015 10:43

MrsFlannel yes a part of me does agree with you, simply because I watched my mum do it so many times and just get on with it...however as I haven't yet had kids myself I feel unqualified saying so.

OP posts:
OhMjh · 17/03/2015 10:43

It is V unfair, but you haven't said how close both sets of parents live.

When DD was born, the only person who came to visit us in hospital was my mother, and PIL didn't meet her until she was 2 weeks old. This wasn't because I was keeping people at arms length and favouring my DM though, it was because we had stated that we didn't want visitors who would stay for longer than 5 minutes until after a week ; as they live 3 hours away, they wanted to stay for the whole day and this wasn't okay with me or DP as he only had 8 days off. My father and Step mother didn't meet her until 10 days, and the only reason my mum did is because she loves across the road! If it's something like that, I can understand where they might be coming from.

ems1910 · 17/03/2015 10:44

Urgh. How awful.

I would have loved to have kept step-fil away as long as possible but would never have done it! How mean :(

How did they find this out?

Original poster
scrunchiemount · 17/03/2015 10:45

bonkers MIL found out accidentally - they live in the same town as DSIL's parents and MIL met her mum while shopping and mentioned the 4 week rule...DSIL'S mum didn't know anything about it so MIL questioned DBIL and he confirmed that was the case.

OP posts:
vvviola · 17/03/2015 10:46

I can kind of understand if she wanted to ask her PIL to wait until she got out of hospital. I didn't particularly feel up to many visitors while in hospital (other than DH, the only people who visited were my parents and my aunt & uncle - uncle is my godfather and aunt is a midwife and I needed her advice). Admittedly, MIL was on the far side of the world, so it wasn't an issue for me.

I can potentially see the argument for her saying to her PIL "would you mind waiting until I get home". But 4 weeks?! That seems terribly unfair especially if there are no other issues.

Original poster
scrunchiemount · 17/03/2015 10:46

OhMjh I get your point but both sets of parents live in same town about 45 mins drive from DSIL and DBIL.

OP posts:
IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi · 17/03/2015 10:46

I do think that sounds very unfair, four weeks is a really long time! But I don't think it'll do any good if your DH says anything

I do think it's ok for different members of the family to be treated differently after the birth but not to the extent your sil is doing it. I could understand her only wanting her mum at the hospital but not letting your mil see the baby for weeks is just cruel

WorraLiberty · 17/03/2015 10:46

Mostlyjustaluker, the MIL isn't asking to look after the DIL...just to meed her grandchild before its a month old.

If the DIL wants to rest, she can go to bed and leave her DH to introduce the baby to her PILs.

It's not the big deal some mothers make it out to be.

DoingIt · 17/03/2015 10:47

How mean! Although they will probably be feeling lonely after a few days and be desperate to show off their baby!

Yes, their baby, their choice etc. But family should matter

Quitelikely · 17/03/2015 10:47

It's harsh.

A simple conversation:

Dh: how comes xxx mum is allowed to visit baby and ours isn't?

Db: because my wife has made the choice herself.

That is whats happened. I'm sure BiL hasn't made this choice.

Karoleann · 17/03/2015 10:47

Would your PIL have to stay with your SIL when they visited?

With DC3 I ended up doing something similar, my mum came to help with the children whilst I had DC3, and then stayed for a week to help out.
My MIL, who is not at all helpful with the children wasn't invited until the following month as I just felt I couldn't cope with her, two other children and a newborn. Although had she lived nearer and not needed to stay, we would have invited her briefly before then.

Original poster
scrunchiemount · 17/03/2015 10:48

my MIL would be happy with a half hour visit and cuddle I think...she is very, very non-interfering (I speak from experience!!). It would not be an all day thing nor would she try to take over in any way....it's not her character

OP posts:
Original poster
scrunchiemount · 17/03/2015 10:48

Karoleann no they wouldn't be staying, just visiting. I could totally understand not wanting people staying over with a newborn!

OP posts:
Original poster
scrunchiemount · 17/03/2015 10:49

Quitelikely no absolutely it's not BIL's decision and I do think he's a little 'under the thumb' - I like SIL but we're very different personalities so I find some thing she does a bit hard to understand.

I do think DB will need to have a conversation with his brother.

OP posts:
OhMjh · 17/03/2015 10:50

Just seen your post about distance from SIL..that's appalling. I know most women have some issue with their MILS but it's incredibly unfair not to let them meet their grandchild until she's a month old. Is popping in just for 5 minutes for a quick peek not even 'allowed'?

WorraLiberty · 17/03/2015 10:50

Your MIL sounds lovely OP, just like mine Smile

Swipe left for the next trending thread