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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is a little bit mean?

253 replies

scrunchiemount · 17/03/2015 10:35

SIL is preggers and the baby is due at the beginning of May. DH and I get along v well with both his DB and SIL, no issues at all. SIL has two other sisters who both have kids, but DH's and DB's parents have no other grandkids - this would be their first. DMIL in particular is super excited about the baby being born. She is an extremely quiet, gentle, non-interfering type of MIL - I think she is great. However DH received a call from his DB the other day saying when the baby is born they don't want any visitors at all for 4 weeks. I thought this was a bit sad for family who want to see the baby but recognise it's their first baby and it's totally up to them. However we have since found out the DSIL is allowing her parents to go and see the baby in the hospital, but not DH's parents. I think this is mean. DH is furious about it on behalf of his parents and wants to say something to his DB. I agree that it's mean but I don't think it's our place to say so.

I am not fussed on our behalf (obviously I would like to go and see the baby as soon as we can but I don't mind waiting a few weeks if that's what they want - I recognise it's up to them!) but I do think it's a little sad that DSIL's family will be allowed and not DBIL's. What does everyone think?

OP posts:
Original poster
scrunchiemount · 17/03/2015 11:52

Imperial I don't really know how BIL feels about it tbh, like I say neither of them are particularly family orientated so perhaps he isn't fussed...for example, for christmas they went to stay in a self catering cottage a ten minute drive from both sets of parents (they were there a week) and didn't once go to see them as they wanted to spend christmas alone. I can understand that, but not even to pop over for half an hour over christmas when they were so near seems odd.

I do find it strange. But I guess 2 weeks is better than 4, and at least both GPs are being treated equally now...

I suppose I just worry it will be difficult for us to have a relationship with the baby if this is the way it is going to be forever. It would be a shame.

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ToastyFingers · 17/03/2015 11:57

I wish I'd been able to ask for no visitors for a few weeks.

I think I'd have been much happier if DD's first few weeks hadn't been a spectator sport.

That being said, I don't think a brief visit early on is the end of the world but once you say yes once, the floodgates are open and people 'just pop in' all the bloody time.

ImperialBlether · 17/03/2015 11:57

I'm just trying to think of my (adult) children telling me that their partner didn't want visitors for two weeks after the birth. I'd assume they meant friends from work, I think. I wouldn't assume they meant the new baby's grandparents, aunts and uncles! Have they heard of 'visiting hours' in hospital? Do they think that's just for partners?

Thurlow · 17/03/2015 11:59

Ditto Imperial. I can understand not wanting dozens of visitors when you're lying in a hospital bed recovering from a traumatic labour, maybe, but I've never quite understood why you wouldn't want to introduce your baby to the rest of your family?

Our families meeting DD for the first time are some of my nicest memories too.

I've said this before on here, but after reading again and again on MN that people didn't want to be bothered the first few weeks after having a baby, the last few babies my friends had I just sent a card and present and didn't make noises about visiting. Only to receive texts from all of them within the first week saying "oi, don't you want to come and coo at my new baby?"

RL and MN being parallel worlds again...

DoJo · 17/03/2015 12:02

Have they heard of 'visiting hours' in hospital? Do they think that's just for partners?

To be fair, if anyone other than my husband had visited me in hospital without being specifically invited I would have probably had a nervous breakdown. My son was on a 3 hourly feeding schedule which took about 2 hours to execute so I was absolutely shattered the whole time, concerned about jaundice and weight loss (his, not mine!) and generally feeling thoroughly grotty.

We did invite in-laws and parents on the same day when we got home though, and I only requested that my parents got to meet our son first because my in-laws already had one grandchild and it was my parents' first.

itsnotmeitsyou1 · 17/03/2015 12:06

Hmm, I'm in two minds. I really agree that both maternal and parental grandparents have equal rights to see new grandchild. However, my first is due end of year and I'm dreading in-laws visiting. They aren't horrible people, but I know they will sit for hours (separate visits as divorced), coo over baby and expect me to 'host' them. I doubt there will be a 'quick' hospital visit due to distance. I wouldn't deny them seeing the baby, but a four week rule to me sounds like bliss. In fact, I've threatend to move us to Scotland before the baby arrives and make all visits over Skype. Now that's being unreasonable Grin. I think your sister in laws compromise of two weeks for both parents is fair enough. Precious first born and all that, let have have her adjustment time.

CunningCat · 17/03/2015 12:06

My mum was at the birth of my first (twins a much later additionGrin) and I found her so calming and supportive, more so than my fuckwit (ex!) P. She often says how much she cherishes the memory. The rest of family visited that evening. I loved seeing my family members fuss and coo over my babies.

MythicalKings · 17/03/2015 12:07

Incredibly precious but at least it's fair.

Seems very mean to not let the family see the new member for 10 minutes.

ahbollocks · 17/03/2015 12:11

I wish id have said once a week for each person. It was a solid week until me and dh got a day together alone, I found it really really really hard.

QueQuesto · 17/03/2015 12:17

She could well change her mind even about the 2 week thing, I was in hospital for a few days after DD and was so bored after about 3 days, visiting hour was a welcome relief. I would leave it as it is now that the families are equal but keep the lines of communication with SIL open after the birth, she might be ready sooner than she thinks.

ImperialBlether · 17/03/2015 12:18

I do think that is bad, ahbollocks, that you didn't spend much time just with your husband and baby. There was a woman in hospital with me who had so many visitors (literally 20 or so at one point - think it was her husband's rugby team and their wives) that her husband had permission to come out of visiting hours. She spent the whole time sobbing.

trappedinsuburbia · 17/03/2015 12:19

I thought my ex mil would be a nightmare but she was fab, asked ex if ok to come round day after back from hospital, only stayed half hour and gave ex a list of chores to do and made me tea and told me to take it easy and call if i needed anything. Put her in a whole new light. No way would i have anyone wait weeks, i was desperate to show off my super cute baby Grin

MehsMum · 17/03/2015 12:22

Its like being in a parallel universe!!
Exactly. Even two weeks without visitors seems strange: babies are not only born into nuclear families, they are born into extended families and communities. I can see why a couple would want a few days in the first week alone with their baby, but not why they'd lock out both sets of GPs, their own siblings and close friends. It's a sure way of making people feel unwelcome and isolating yourself not only from irritating interference, but also from help and advice.

VenusRising · 17/03/2015 12:22

I think the new mum is entirely within her rights to limit the numbers of people visiting.
And if that includes your brothers in laws mother and father so be it.

She may regret her decision later but at the moment it's hers to make and she's made it. End of.

I dont think its mean or not mean, and wonder why those words are being bandied about, but it I think with hindsight she might regret it, or maybe not, and as someone said, there may be complications you know nothing about OP, and you also mention your family styles are different, so I'd butt out as it's none of your business.

gobbin · 17/03/2015 12:24

I reckon once she's had it she'll maybe change. What you plan before and after a birth often don't go the way you expect anyway :)

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 17/03/2015 12:28

Visitors are a huge pain in the arse but its part of the experience of parenthood, which I now appreciate down the line. This no visitors trend seems to be a new thing. I sort of understand friends etc but grandparents banned? Not nice.

LulaMayBrown · 17/03/2015 12:37

I think the right decision has been reached my your SIL (and i guess BIL - wonder how much input he has into this!)
It all sounds much fairer now for both sets of parents to be excluded for 2 weeks, rather than just the PILs. This may be a really good thing and allow the new parents to avoid pressure.
I do wonder though about any 'set in stone' stipulations any parents have before the babies arrive. I had quite a few firm ideas about the birth/visiting etc - but they all went out the window due to an emergency c-section that left me pretty incapable after the birth! I had to change ideas pretty fast.

And I also echo that poster the other day who has come to realise that on MN (and IRL?) that anyone with sons had pretty much get used to disappointment as potentially they are going to be gently or not so gently excluded from their son's family's lives. I just hope this doesn't happen with my DS...

Original poster
scrunchiemount · 17/03/2015 12:45

lula I certainly hope when we have children I won't exclude DH's family, it's sad if this is always the case for people with sons.

as a further update, have just found that that BIL is not happy with either decision as he wanted all grandparents and siblings to visit sooner (not in hospital and not for long, but certainly to pop in for half an hour). so that is a shame!

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itsnotmeitsyou1 · 17/03/2015 12:53

It's a shame for you scrunchie, but please respect your sil, yes she may change her mind but she obviously feeling overwhelmed at the moment just from the thought of having a baby, not to talk about the extended family thinking they have supreme rights to a quick visit as soon as its born. She's not cutting everyone out, she's just trying to keep what little control she has left of things. Her life is about to change in a big way, its lovely your all excited for a new family member, but bear with her. I get the feeling she and I are feeling similar at the moment. It's overwhelming and scary. Give her a break, play it by ear when the baby arrives.

WorraLiberty · 17/03/2015 12:53

2 weeks is still her being precious imo

It's not like she has to see anyone. She can get some rest while her DH shows their child to the family.

WorraLiberty · 17/03/2015 12:55

itsnotmeitsyou1 Her husbands life is also about to change in a big way.

This is not all about her.

He also has the right to introduce his child to his parents.

ThatIsNachoCheese · 17/03/2015 12:59

I think that it's cruel actually. She doesn't own the baby, I will never understand how some people are so utterly up their own arse. They just want to meet their grandchild you fuckwit.

Original poster
scrunchiemount · 17/03/2015 13:02

itsnotmeitsyou1 I am giving her a break, have you been reading any of my posts?!

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SuperFlyHigh · 17/03/2015 13:02

PFB scenario right there from the get go I'm guessing?!

Original poster
scrunchiemount · 17/03/2015 13:03

also would like to point out that baby is BIL's first too, so I do think it's a shame this isn't what he wants.

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