to think this is a little bit mean?

[scrunchiemount]

SIL is preggers and the baby is due at the beginning of May. DH and I get along v well with both his DB and SIL, no issues at all. SIL has two other sisters who both have kids, but DH's and DB's parents have no other grandkids - this would be their first. DMIL in particular is super excited about the baby being born. She is an extremely quiet, gentle, non-interfering type of MIL - I think she is great. However DH received a call from his DB the other day saying when the baby is born they don't want any visitors at all for 4 weeks. I thought this was a bit sad for family who want to see the baby but recognise it's their first baby and it's totally up to them. However we have since found out the DSIL is allowing her parents to go and see the baby in the hospital, but not DH's parents. I think this is mean. DH is furious about it on behalf of his parents and wants to say something to his DB. I agree that it's mean but I don't think it's our place to say so.

I am not fussed on our behalf (obviously I would like to go and see the baby as soon as we can but I don't mind waiting a few weeks if that's what they want - I recognise it's up to them!) but I do think it's a little sad that DSIL's family will be allowed and not DBIL's. What does everyone think?

I know its not all about her, her husband is a part of it as a couple who made the child. However, when you start wanting the world and his mother (literally) to start visiting, he should respect she's currently feeling she wouldn't be up for it, for at least a few days. They need to support each other, if that means closing off the rest of the world for two weeks, it won't harm anyone. Ultimately, its her body that's changing, it's her who has to go through all the pain, to recover, I think she's perfectly entitled to say 'no, please let me adjust to motherhood for a bit' before visitors. She may change her mind, but she defiantly isn't being unreasonable now either. She was when she said 'just her parents', that was unfair.

superflyhigh yes I expect so actually, as she has already said they won't be having any more...

Op, when you have a child I can almost predict it will be (probably unfavourably ime) compared to their PFB. Get your tin hat and body armour ready

Surely its up to dsis and db to decide when the baby comes. You might find when the babys here dsis wants dil to come. Its a big change for them.

That is bonkers, I could understand a couple of days peace, then a visit of an hour max, but two weeks is still mean, precious, and rather crazed.

Someone needs to get a hold of themselves.

londonrach yes I agree it's up to them, yes I agree it's their baby and their choice, however I do still think it's a little mean to not allow the GPs at least to have one thirty minute visit. In any case I'm not interfering with the situation at all, I recognise it's not my place.

CunningCat I certainly hope that's not the case!!! DH is already somewhat unfavourably compared to his brother, so maybe you're right...

Don't worry, when DBIL will start work again after 2 weeks, she will be howling of loneliness and tiredness. She will beg for DMIL to come down to help her.

When my DD was born, I had visitors within the hour. One auntie ran in & picked her up as soon as she saw her!

I think they are being a bit too precious!

I imagine she is worrying about having people assuming/expecting to visit in case she doesn't feel up to it - it's much easier for someone who likes to be in control to say from the start "don't expect to visit for 2 weeks", and then if she does feel up to it she can always backtrack and say actually feel free to pop in and meet baby, rather than have people lining up to arrange visits if she isn't feeling up to it.
I had a no visitors in hospital rule, and I couldn't have coped with them. My parents popped in for an hour when I got home, which was fine, but my (lovely) in-laws came after a week and stayed all day, and it was hell. They were helping do jobs and cooked us dinner etc but I was bleeding, in pain, knackered, struggling with feeding, and just wanted them to leave us the hell alone!

I always have sympathy with the wanting to keep people away new mothers, because I hated having to have visitors with both DCs. In both cases, before having them I knew it wouldn't be a nice thing to have visitors, and it wasn't - other than DC1 visiting when I was in hospital for a couple of days having DC2. I can be outgoing and chatty, but when knackered and vunerable, I don't want anyone other than DH and my DCs around.

I didn't ban visitors though, I saw both sets in hosptial each time, with DC1, it was very traumatic birth and I was being kept in hospital for treatment for a few days, but my parents really just had to fuss and be there in my space, PIL were itching to see DC1 as well so while also hated them being in my space when I was feeling rough, smiled and said how lovely to see them. Thankfully, it snowed heavily when we were leaving the hospital after DC1 so I played the "roads in our town are tretcherous, best you don't visit" card for 2 weeks, feeling guilt free as both sets of grandparents had had a quick cuddle in hospital.

I find visitors an effort, I don't consider a new baby to be something I want to parade around or show off. Babies don't need to be 'introduced' to the family within a set timeframe, I understand grandparents want to see them, so I didn't keep them away, but hated every single second of both visits after both DCs (although I felt better after DC2 so at least I wasn't struggling to keep my eyes open while being visited).

OP its very sad when someone says "they" and you know/guess it may be one person deciding on having another one... I can't think offhand but I know someone who everyone was expecting to have one, she even said so herself then she had another child and was happier that her DS had a sibling. But because her DM had one child it was expected she'd have one too... for some reason I recall her DM telling her two DC are too much hardwork...

Her DH had always wanted two DC as he was one of two DC himself.

I can't speak for SIL's parents, but I know for sure that PIL would literally come for 30 minutes, have a cup of tea, give the baby a cuddle and then quietly leave.

You really couldn't wish for two less interfering, more gentle people, and I say that as someone who is not much of a 'people' person!

superfly that is really sad!!

Etrusmum - see, the 'help' once the paternity leave is up, it depends if you are the sort to want help or not. If you aren't the sort to want other people to do stuff for you, then just establishing your own routine without visitors is much better.

I guess people who like lots of company, who are happy to have other people do stuff for them don't get that it's not relaxing to have someone else around in your space doing stuff "helping" when you don't want help - if you are the "family close around and in and out of everyone's house and business" then it might seem nice thing to do, and not really hard for more private people to cope with.

Someone, anyone, visiting during the first week after DH went back to work would be my idea of hell, not wonderful.

Lots of people who like people around find it insulting that their 'help' is rejected, and see it as them being rejected, rather than just that some people would rather figure stuff out by themselves.

OP don't worry she ignored her DM and now has 2 lovely DS

Very very pfb and mean! when ds was born he was first grandchild on both sides so major excitement all round, my only stipulation to visiting was that I wanted to see my dm before mil, purely because I knew I'd cry and just wanted that out of the way first!

Think they will probably change their mind when baby comes either from the desire to show what a little darling he or she is or just to have a break of the sheer exhaustion. I didn't want anybody in the first few days but had a horrendous birth experience (we both nearly died) and I just wanted my mum. When I saw how my mother reacted to her first dgc, I let my husband invite my pils (who I wasn't speaking to at the time) as felt that it would be wrong to deny my DH the joy of showing off his dc to his parents. We then had the few days alone when we got home. We had visitors after this and By week three I was delighted to see a friend(who had had two dcs) who bought chocolate and after I had fed ds said to have a shower and pop to bed as I looked like a train wreck. I loved my friend that day more than my ds or DH ;)

It's a very arbitrary thing to decide in advance unless there's specific medical concerns or particularly awkward visitors.

I've had births that require a lot of recovery, and our early visitors were happy to see baby, and let me retreat to bed as I needed, and weren't offended by my lack of attention to them. My Mil was very helpful. She lives a long way away, so when paternity leave ended, she came for a fortnight and looked after the domestic arrangements so I could rest and concentrate on baby which was incredibly helpful. My own mother was held back for a week or two as I find her difficult company. She had a substantial journey so I had to feel ready to be in her company for several hours to make her journey worthwhile.

I'm glad to hear the arrangement has become fairer. I wonder if it will turn out like that...

I think some people on here are being very judgemental of a woman who is not being utterly unreasonable and can't even defend herself or her reasoning.

She has been called mean, rude, accused of being a 'certain type' of mother before her baby is even here. The op stated she's feeling lack if control and as others have said, some women just don't like entertaining visitors when they don't feel their best (even if its lovely people for just 30 mins).

When a woman is pregnant, she is encouraged to make her own choices, it's her body, she knows what's right for her. Apparently, when the baby is born, she loses all rights, as that baby not belongs to 'the extended family and wider community'. Forget how rubbish she feels, how worried she is about herself, how she wants to get into a routine before having people around. No, she's a selfish cow who's denying her 'pfb' his family.

Obviously I know the lady in question as little as most on this thread, but I would be quite upset if my sil had decided to discuss a private decision online, just to be called such things. Just my opinion of course.

itsnotmeitsyou I'm not sure you've been reading all my posts as I've quite clearly stated that I (a) totally agree it's up to her and DBIL and (b) respect her decision and won't be interfering even if it is something I particularly agree with.

My issues came with (1) the fact that she was originally going to let her own parents come but not her husband's (2) the fact that DBIL did not have any say in this and (3) even though the arrangement is fair on both sets of parents now, I do not think it's unreasonable for them to want to pop in quietly for half an hour to meet their grandchild. At no point did I say the baby belonged to "everyone", it's quite clearly their baby and I would never state otherwise.

And also at no point have I said anything nasty about SIL, I've said on several occasions that I think it's because we've got different family backgrounds that I feel the way I do. However, other people are entitled to their opinions about her attitude, as of course are you.

Scrunchies, I'm not just going by what you said here as not everything in my last post is directed at yourself. I have agreed more than once her initial arrangement was unfair, and she has changed that now. Unfortunately, your brother in law will have less of a say in things coming up, he has to be supportive unless she's being ridiculous. I don't think she has an 'attitude', I think she just trying to keep herself together and make plans. That's how some people keep sane when they feel life is going in a direction they are not used to. Her way of doing things obviously does not agree with you, fair enough, but I think some of the judgements others have made on this thread of her are unessersary and presumptuous. They will get half an hour to meet their grandchild, I wouldn't worry about that, just maybe not as quickly as they hoped.

Well I think if she doesn't want visitors,for,two weeks that's totally up to her, and in no way her being "precious". Both parents can wait two weeks for gods sake.

Precious, mean and a bit pathetic.

I wonder what these people will do when they have other older kids?

I had people round when I got home 4 hours after birth. I completely understand people wanting to leave it a couple of days but no way will I deny close family and friends the chance to see my baby when they are new born. I also have a husband who would have a lot to say if I decided to make his family wait for 4 weeks to see his child. Two weeks is too long as well.

I have never known anyone irl to do this.

Sure it's up to her but it is just stupid imo. I was more than capable of telling people I was only up for a short visit and if at any point it got too much I was capable of asking guests to leave or even going to my room while my husband dealt with the baby and guests.

There are some cases where a complicated birth has happened where I can understand someone wanting more time alone, but to make that decision before the baby is even born? precious. My kids gp were all so excited to meet the new babies and I would never have the heart to keep them away for two weeks because I never thought having a baby was all about me me me.

Have to say I feel sorry for your SIL now - she's having to go without the support of her own mum when she's just had a baby to avoid upsetting her MIL. Barmy.

And in my experience, apparently controlling behaviour is usually brought about by anxiety - and you've said yourself she's worried about breastfeeding.

New babies really so bring out the worst in people, suddenly everyone gets really possessive, when all the new baby needs is for their parents to learn how to care for them and start creating their little family. And I say this from the position of all DGP having met all my babies within 24 hours of birth, so no agenda here!