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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that putting your 14yo on the pill and letting her sleep with her boyfriend at home is just bloody WRONG?

315 replies

macmonkey · 15/03/2015 12:44

An (I thought) otherwise reasonable Mum has not only encouraged her 14yo to have sex with her boyfriend of several months but has the boy staying practically every weekend and lets them sleep together. I honestly believe she thinks it's the way to 'keep' a boyfriend. The first time she sent the girl to sleep with bf was when all the girls were over for a sleepover. What kind of message does that send to them? Not to mention the younger siblings, also in the house. So when her DS gets to 14 and brings a girl home, will she let them start shagging under her roof too? Or will she discuss it first with girl's parents, maybe? FFS. I'm practically speechless.

OP posts:

SirChenjin · 16/03/2015 17:46

Yeah, 'cos that's what you do as teenagers - you simply sleep in the same room as your BF/GF

woodhill · 16/03/2015 18:08

exactly, what is wrong with this person

Pipbin · 16/03/2015 19:56

Well there is a damn good chance they will have sex of course, but there is a difference between what the op made sound like the mother encouraging sex and a mother being very slack about rules.

SirChenjin · 16/03/2015 20:14

I'd say a bit more than a chance... slack rules make it far more likely it will happen (and far harder for the teen involved to say no..)

Clockingoff · 16/03/2015 22:20

YANBU and I am completely and totally gobsmacked at some of the responses on here.

Original poster

macmonkey · 16/03/2015 22:20

....and had already put child on the pill, for (as she said to my friend) the 'right reasons' (ie not to control heavy periods, etc) so the intention seems fairly clear to me.

OP posts:

Micah · 16/03/2015 23:04

I had a note added to their files at the local surgery when they were eleven that stated should they ask for contraception under the age of sixteen, they had my permission to be prescribed said contraception

Why did you feel the need to do that? Dr's can legally prescribe contraception to u16's without parental consent. They don't need your permission.

If my kids are old enough/mature enough to want to have sex, I don't expect them to ask my permission. Discuss it, yes, but it's their decision.

For a Dr to prescribe contraception u16 they need to be reasonably sure the child knows what they're doing, and the consequences. Not that their mum says they can, you're undermining the Dr/pt relationship.

ZenNudist · 16/03/2015 23:16

Nope I think you're in denial about human nature, it's not even kids today. Underage sex happens. You don't have to promote it but you can't prevent it. Kids will find a way.

I don't have dds just young ds's but I'd definitely promote safe underage sex at the expense of unsafe underage sex.

If I had dds I definitely encourage pill use from the point they got a serious bf. As for letting boys round my house I wouldn't do it but I'd expect them to do it somewhere.

I had sex in our school drama department! I was 17 but still, it definitely happens. I recall friends having sex in cars, phone boxes, bus stops, In full (discrete) view at parties.

If the alternative is dc doing it in bedrooms then I'm all for that. Though frankly the excitement of sneaking around and possibly getting caught means that as parents we probably have a duty to clamp down and at least try and stop their fun!

landrover · 16/03/2015 23:18

Does anybody know what the long term effects are of under 16s on the pill? (just asking!)

Pipbin · 16/03/2015 23:27

slack rules make it far more likely it will happen

Of course, but the op made it sound like the mother was saying 'go and have sex with your boyfriend', where as what she was actually saying was 'go and share a room with your boyfriend'. Who knows may be her daughter is one of the ones talked about where the poster knows that their DD would never have sex.
Chances are they will have sex, and I don't condone it at this age, but it's not quite as bad as the op makes it sound.

Clockingoff · 16/03/2015 23:34

Really sad to think of 14 year olds having sex in the park, or behind the supermarket. Even sadder to think that some parents regard it as inevitable if they don't sanction having sex at home in their childhood bedroom.

It wasn't inevitable when I was growing up, and most 14 year olds I know don't have enough free rein to be sleeping around without their parents knowing.

Gosh, on another thread I'm on posters are shocked that a 12 year old is still allowed to be out at 9.45 playing ball with her friends. But yet the MN view seems to be that two years later she will naturally be having serious boyfriends and sleeping with them.

Just so wrong.

Clockingoff · 16/03/2015 23:36

Pipbin either the mother was very thick, or she was very irresponsible. Or maybe a bit of both.

Pipbin · 16/03/2015 23:41

Clocking the mother was being naive at best, however not quite as bad as the op made out, but only just.

TrixieB123 · 16/03/2015 23:50

Personally I'm slightly horrified by the idea of 14 year olds having sex, but then again, I didn't have my first kiss until I was 16 (and then swiftly made up for it.) The dialogue in our house was very much "eventually you will want to do this, and when you feel you're ready, I'd like you to discuss it with me first."

I didn't, obviously (because "eurgh who wants to talk to their mum about DOING IT?!") but knowing that my mum trusted me to make a mature and responsible decision was enough to make me actually want to make mature and responsible decisions.

FWIW, I'd been on the pill since my periods started (thanks to crippling period pains that made it hard to move from my bed) and my mum considered that to be "the right reason" not because she thought I might be shagging in the local park.

I was pregnant at 18 though, despite using condoms and the pill, so I'll definitely be mentioning that to my DD in hopes that maybe it'll be a deterrent. We're a fertile lot in our family.

GettingFiggyWithIt · 16/03/2015 23:55

In Germany the age of consent is 14. I was up to stuff at 15, although stayed a virgin til 16. Would rather my dd was protected and safe and warm and happy than not.

Clockingoff · 17/03/2015 00:06

When did sex become so completely and utterly meaningless and immature. It's supposed to be the very opposite.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 17/03/2015 07:26

Teens have always had sex. At least we live in a world where safe contraception is easy to access.

AliceMcGee · 17/03/2015 07:44

quite interesting that all posters seem so sure that their own teen didn't/isn't/won't have under sex,and yet the statistics say 25% do

SomewhereIBelong · 17/03/2015 07:51

there could be a whole, what, 13 months or slightly less between 14 and 16... is it really that big a difference?

my 14 year old DD reminded me at the weekend that in 18 months she will be 16 - and old enough to off and get married and have kids...

it was a sobering thought... my "little girl"

SirChenjin · 17/03/2015 07:56

I know, it's ridiculous - the law needs to be changed imo. No 16 year old should be having babies, married or not.

Pipbin · 17/03/2015 08:06

I understood you could only get married at 16 with parental consent.

When did sex become so completely and utterly meaningless and immature. It's supposed to be the very opposite

Since forever, the idea of sex being part of a loving relationship is a new one.

AliceMcGee · 17/03/2015 08:07

and what is with all the posts about teenage boys being grim?
there would be outrage if someone posted that fourteen year old girls were spotty and ugly and you can't imagine anyone wanting to shag them

SomewhereIBelong · 17/03/2015 08:15

I understood you could only get married at 16 with parental consent

in England and Wales...

From the CAB website : In Scotland, if you are aged between 16 and 18 you do not have to have parental consent to get married. In England and Wales if you are under 18 you must have parental consent to get married. However, if you are 16 or 17 years old and you are from England and Wales you can come to Scotland to get married without the consent of your parents.

All she'd have to do is drive a hundred miles...

SunnyBaudelaire · 17/03/2015 08:53

yes thus the whole thing about Gretna Green, the first town over the border

Mrsjayy · 17/03/2015 08:56

Totally Off topic but a girl I was at school with left school o n the Friday and was in the registry office On the Monday she only turned 16 6 weeks before

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