to think that putting your 14yo on the pill and letting her sleep with her boyfriend at home is just bloody WRONG?

[macmonkey]

An (I thought) otherwise reasonable Mum has not only encouraged her 14yo to have sex with her boyfriend of several months but has the boy staying practically every weekend and lets them sleep together. I honestly believe she thinks it's the way to 'keep' a boyfriend. The first time she sent the girl to sleep with bf was when all the girls were over for a sleepover. What kind of message does that send to them? Not to mention the younger siblings, also in the house. So when her DS gets to 14 and brings a girl home, will she let them start shagging under her roof too? Or will she discuss it first with girl's parents, maybe? FFS. I'm practically speechless.

I wasnt an offhand parent sirchenjin I am quite the opposite. I had terrible problems with ds anyway, he has adhd and an asd which wasn't diagnosed till just before his 15th birthday. He was violent at the time, awful at school and I did an awful lot to try and help him, but I also had 3 younger dds too. I felt up against everything, to my mind the school turned a blind eye and police and school did too. I really was at my wits end with ds. His gf came from a house who had nothing, her family didnt give a stuff about her education and still dont. When she stayed at mine she would have a cooked meal, she never ate at home, her parents didnt own a fridge or a cooker. Only a microwave. When my ds and her were togethet she went to school, her attendence is now 41 percent and failing her gcses. It sounds awful but they were good for each other in a way but I was terribly unhappy about the sex but I felt powerless to do anything. If I stopped him from seeing her then he would have done worse things tbh, he would have run away, smashed up my house, he was already smoking, no drink or drugs though weirdly.

Now hes almost 16, hes had the diagnoses, he has settled down, is in school everyday, the violence has virtually stopped and hes doing brilliantly in school.

Please dont always assume its parental not give a shit attitude that pushes these young teens into having sex. Its not always the case. I had no support with ds and when I went to the relevant authorities with my concerns about their relationship I was fobbed off

I agree with sirchenjin that in most cases if a child of 13 or 14 is actively seeking sexual relationships then there is probably something deeply amis in their life.

Sex at 14 with another very inexperienced 14 year old is going to be pretty rubbish let's be honest. So these children aren't seeking sex for the swoonsome passions and head blowing orgasms.

It's much more likely that they're just seeking affection, acceptance and a sense of belonging and closeness.

I chat quite openly with DD and she's of the view that very young sex and possible pregnancy is rather a silly gamble. The complications of such an intense relationship holds no interest for her. She thinks boys are okay but she's got her head screwed on tight.There's so many things she wants to do over the next few years and risking a baby certainly isn't one of them.

Yeah there was something deeply amiss with ds, he had undiagnosed disabilities. But I suppose thats my fault.

He couldnt be more loved. Or wanted.

Please don't use me as a whipping boy justforonceanonymous.

Me and sil are the same age, 37, she recently told me she lost her virginity at 14, I was 17.
She is the last person I ever expected to have under age sex, seriously, she's lovely but is really religious and totally the opposite to the pre-conception I had in my head of girls who have sex at 14.

So what happened to her and the boyfriend?

They're still very much together, happily married with 3 dc, all conceived after marriage btw:)

Dont make assumptions then manolos and assume every single 14 year old who is having sex is in some way neglected emotionally by their parents.

I also chatted openly with my ds about sex, he told me no way was he ready, he didnt want a baby, he wanted to do mechanics at college and said dont worry mum im not that stupid. What a joke, he slept with her a month later and I was the last person to find out

also all the worries about reliable contraception from an early age, taking the pill for years' can't be that great.

I know someone like that foreverton. Both lost their virginity at 14, she had a miscarriage at 15 though. They went on to have a little girl who is nearly ten now and expecting their second, engaged to be married and both with great jobs. Both also come from calm, stable families. It happens. Not great but it really doesn't happen.
For people who say oh my child will never do that are naive imo. It could happen. It does happen

It is hugely and naively wrong to assume kids only have sex at 13 or 14 because of family problems or other issues!

I was 14 in the 80s. A massive majority of my friends (we're talking 50 or 60 teens here) had sex before 16, most at 15 I'd say, for a huge amount of reasons - not least for the 'head blowing orgasms' as a PP said!

And these were 'naice middle class kids'.

Argh really DOES happen

I wasn't making assumptions stating that 'every' child of 14 having sex must have something amis. The first line of my post says 'most' children.

What you struggled with sounds horrendous. But it doesn't give you the right to attack people in order to expunge some sort of latent guilt you might have.

I'm sure that was your reality itsucks and could well be the reality for lots of people.

But it wasn't the reality of my early teens or my friends back then and it isn't for DD either.

I'm not attacking any one just having a reasoned discussion I thought.

I also dont feel guilty so please dont assume that either

sir Chenjin I had sex at fourteen because I was horny. I was not reaching out for love or neglected

I should clarify. When I said 'sent' I meant that she said to the girl - "you go and sleep with (bf), and leave more room here for the girls". Two of the children were collected by my friend in the morning and were quite horrified. The mother and daughter may well have had previous discussions, I couldn't say, but I didn't feel it was appropriate to do that when other kids were around. Maybe that's just me.

And Surlycue, you're right. And I do talk to DD — I have discussed this scenario with her too. It only keeps me awake nights because I mull over what's appropriate and so on, not because I'm facing these choices or situations (atm, anyway).

Alice and others - I specifically didn't say 'all 14 year olds'.

I have not read it all [ dont need to]

Report her to social services if your worried.......

I would it is illegal to have sex under 16.

I certainly wouldn't allow my 14yr old daughter/son to have a bf/gf over to stay the night. My folks didn't let me and I make them right too, it sends the message that it's acceptable for someone who cannot legally consent to do so. Wrong! And while it's true that some kids will do it no matter what I certainly don't think it ethical or moral to encourage it or facilitate it.

Absolutely all for open and honest discussion over sex and relationships and when they can legally consent then it's a different matter but at 14 how can that CHILD comprehend such a huge life choice? They can't.

But that's the point of my earlier post, Darth, by talking about it, by educating, using school, home, youth groups, we arm them with the ability to comprehend the choices and as I said, when armed with that ability, teens generally choose to have sex later than fourteen. Not always, but in the majority of cases.

"My 14yo won't be having sex with anyone, whether under my roof or anywhere else!"
Good luck with that.

Any kid could have underage sex if the right set of circumstances came up. I actually didn't but there were plenty of opportunities to. My parents probably thought I had a pretty wholesome lifestyle too (school, homework, music, sport clubs, bowling, cinema) but unless you lock them up at home there are opportunities. In fact even if you do there are.

Dawn I do agree with what you're saying to an extent but at the same time I remember myself at 14 and those around me and I just don't see that, as a parent, it's necessary right to facilitate sex for minors. The caveat being I suppose that different children have different levels of maturity.

Luckily for me this situation my mine is a looooong way away so I've not had to deal with it yet but for myself I wouldn't be comfortable with either my DS or DD asking for their respective teenage partners to sleep together at 14 yrs old and allowing it. They are still children at that age even if they might be wise beyond their years, I just don't feel comfortable with it. Not knocking those with a different moral viewpoint on it mind, everyone has their own view and style of parenting...

Just to make it clear, I'm not actually advocating facilitating sex for minors. What I am saying is that we need to accept our childrens sexuality and understand that some of them will experiment. If we talk to them about it, if we tell them the truth about it, good and bad, they are likely to wait. My children were all 17. They all investigated precautions first and still discuss things with me. If however, one of them had been 14, like a few people on here, I would have discussed things further, probably realised that there would be little I could do to prevent them experimenting, and therefore ensured that precautions were being used. I had a note added to their files at the local surgery when they were eleven that stated should they ask for contraception under the age of sixteen, they had my permission to be prescribed said contraception. They knew, they didn't bother.

When I said 'sent' I meant that she said to the girl - "you go and sleep with (bf), and leave more room here for the girls".

So the mother didn't encourage her daughter to have sex with her boyfriend but suggested that they sleep in the same room. Different to the way it sounds in the OP.

I don't think that is the best option and the mother is not putting up any barrier to them having sex but sleeping in the same room =/= having sex. May be the mother had talked to her about this and said that they could share a room but both had assured that they had no intentions to have sex.