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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that putting your 14yo on the pill and letting her sleep with her boyfriend at home is just bloody WRONG?

315 replies

macmonkey · 15/03/2015 12:44

An (I thought) otherwise reasonable Mum has not only encouraged her 14yo to have sex with her boyfriend of several months but has the boy staying practically every weekend and lets them sleep together. I honestly believe she thinks it's the way to 'keep' a boyfriend. The first time she sent the girl to sleep with bf was when all the girls were over for a sleepover. What kind of message does that send to them? Not to mention the younger siblings, also in the house. So when her DS gets to 14 and brings a girl home, will she let them start shagging under her roof too? Or will she discuss it first with girl's parents, maybe? FFS. I'm practically speechless.

OP posts:
SomewhereIBelong · 17/03/2015 13:02

I think I live in a different world...

my mum went through contraception choices etc with me in my mid teens, but just said that sex was for when you feel grown up enough to deal with any consequences. I waited til 18, that was "normal" in my local community.

OfaFrenchMind · 17/03/2015 13:02

So just because she might do it, instead of discussing and, you know, educating, she just facilitate it? She is 14, but, you know, could be the same at 12. Let's just give them the pill and hope they never miss taking them...but that would never happen, kids are so responsible...

Is it good parenting to let your kids drink and smoke weed at home, because since they are going to do it anyway, better they do it in a safe environment? Hmm

Also, as another poster said upthread, pregnancy is not the only consequence of sex: STD, HPV... Things that mature teens or adults can watch out for, but kids just ignore until too late.

Pyjamasandwine · 17/03/2015 13:07

It totally depends on the child, the situation and the environment.

No sex isn't great at 14 but it's a hell of a lot better than a teen pregnancy.

Maybe this mother knows her dd a tad better than the op or anyone on here does? Hmm

SirChenjin · 17/03/2015 13:11

I think I live in a different world...

No, you live in the normal world. I've had my eyes opened as a parent of teens - whilst there a small number of parents who genuinely have no idea that their children are off having sex/drinking/smoking weed etc, the majority of them are hands off types who gave up on the idea of boundaries a while ago.

SirChenjin · 17/03/2015 13:12

No sex isn't great at 14 but it's a hell of a lot better than a teen pregnancy

And exactly what do you think causes these teenage pregnancies?!

emkana · 17/03/2015 15:15

That is such a funny sentence...

How about no sex = no pregnancy?

Gobsmacked at so many just saying "well what can you do" HmmConfusedShock

SirVixofVixHall · 17/03/2015 15:33

Thinking of my peer group at school, we weren't all keen to get shagging at 14. The overwhelming majority waited until quite a bit later, my closest friends were all at university and with serious boyfriends. From what I know of friends dds it hasn't changed much, so I would challenge the idea that 14 is "normal". What has changed is that when i was a teen not a single parent would have thought letting a 14 year old have a boyfriend to stay in her bed was fine. Sometimes when reading stuff on here I think parents almost push teenagers into having sex before they are mature enough these days. My parents would have been terribly upset and shocked if I'd been having sex at 14, and that alone would have stopped me, even if I'd wanted to. But as I was still playing with my rabbits and going on pony rides, sex really wasn't on the agenda...

GraysAnalogy · 17/03/2015 15:40

Whereas when I was at 14 SirVix we were the complete opposite. Most of my school year were going out drinking, few of us were at clubs. I would say more than half had lost their virginity with each other or with people from other schools. Lots having regular sex. Lots of outside sex. remember on a Saturday going into town, you'd seeing girls of all ages, predominantly below 16 queuing outside the Brook Advisory centre to get the morning after pill. Been there myself a few times.

My mum was uber strict. But I still had underage sex, and I actually got myself put on the pill by going to the Brook centre and lying about my age (said I was 16). She still to this day thinks I lost my virginity to my first 'serious boyfriend' at the age of 17.

I would have much preferred being able to go to my mum and asking her to help me get the pill.

SunnyBaudelaire · 17/03/2015 15:42

god really grays? I offered to take my dd15 at the time, 16 now, to get the pill and she WENT MAD, mad I tell you!

GraysAnalogy · 17/03/2015 15:43

When did sex become so completely and utterly meaningless and immature. It's supposed to be the very opposite

I don't know why anyone thinks this. Sex doesn't have to be this special, magical moment we have when in love. We're animals at the end of the day and it's just a process that we do with our mate to get pleasure or if we want to, to procreate. It's only humans who have attached all this meaningfulness onto it, and with that meaningfulness comes disappointment. I'm glad I never built it up to be this massive thing in my head. It's just sex.

SirChenjin · 17/03/2015 15:43

There were a tiny handful at my school in the 80s who were DTD at 14 - the vast majority of us weren't. It still hasn't changed that much if you think that 75% (plus - to take account of the ones who are lying through their teeth) aren't having sex at 14.

GraysAnalogy · 17/03/2015 15:46

sunny yes sunny, I'm not sure if it's maybe the school I went to, the area I lived in or what, but this was the norm. And looking at my younger cousins, it still is.

Which is why simply telling them 'NO UNDERAGE SEX' doesn't work. It hasn't worked for many of us. But making us safe has. We were lucky enough to have lots of help, there was Brook and there was what we called the 'johnny bus' that came and gave us advice on contraception and free condoms. I've never had an underage pregnancy, the majority of my friends had babies over the age of 17, yet we started having sex much earlier than a lot of people.

SunnyBaudelaire · 17/03/2015 15:47

that is a really good point GRAYS, it is just sex after all. All this romantic shite has been built up and built up esp for us women, you know as though some orchestra was about to pop up and doves might fly about the room...
When actually it is just a shag.

GraysAnalogy · 17/03/2015 15:50

Yeah I agree, it's romanticised so much and I think it gets built up so much that for many women it's such a disappointment when you realise what it actually is. It causes unnecessary stress with both girls and boys worrying about it because we've made it into this huge thing. Especially for girls who think they're going to have a lot of pain and bleed...

Clockingoff · 17/03/2015 15:54

What a sad point of view. For a lot of people it is tied up with love and huge commitment.

When I was growing up we certainly weren't sleeping with our boyfriends at 14. And our parents would have had a complete fit, and been desperately upset and disappointed if we were. Neither did we regard it as 'just a shag'.
We probably actually had a lot more freedom than today's 14 year olds. We weren't driven to and from school and activities, and drifted from friend's house to friend's house with our parents not having a clue where we were because there were no mobile phones. But we still didn't go sneaking off to parks and behind supermarkets to have sex. Maybe we were just brought up to have more self respect and more respect for the act of sex. If a 14 year old did sleep with someone, they certainly didn't go around boasting about it. Because none of us would have been impressed.

SomewhereIBelong · 17/03/2015 16:01

Grays/Sunny et al so what if sex is just sex for you nowadays... some of us disagree...

some of us also think sex is for adults - not children

and everyone has a different idea of when "childhood" finishes - which is why there is an age of consent laid down in law.

SunnyBaudelaire · 17/03/2015 16:05

where did I say that sex was for children?
I was wrong about my DD15 as it goes, but what kind of mother would just say 'oh sex is for adults so I do not need to worry about my 15 year old'?
And by the way sex IS just sex, only women have been brainwashed into thinking that unicorn farts would fill the room when you come.

emkana · 17/03/2015 16:07

We're clearly more than animals. We have more complex emotions and more meaningful and intricate relationships. A pregnancy can completely our course of life.

GraysAnalogy · 17/03/2015 16:08

Maybe we were just brought up to have more self respect and more respect for the act of sex

How insulting.

My mum brought me up brilliantly thanks. I have the upmost respect for me and my body, and a damn lot of self respect but that doesn't mean I have to see sex as this holy thing. I wanted sex, I liked sex. That was that. It was nothing to do with being brought up badly or me being insecure, naive or any other word people seem to tie with girls having sex earlier.

Funny how it's only women who seem to lack self respect when they enjoy the act of sex unashamedly?

SomewhereIBelong I never said I thought sex should be for children or adults, I do believe it should be for adults regardless of what I did, what I am saying is that telling them to just not engage in it and expect that to be the end of it, well it's a disaster waiting to happen. Give them the information, tell them you want them to wait, hope and pray they do, but if they don't you need to be ready to support them with ways of keeping them safe.

emkana · 17/03/2015 16:10

They have decades to be an adult, but only a very short time to be a child. I tell my children to enjoy the time when they are children and not wish it away.

And even if they do just see sex as just a shag, doesn't mean that it doesn't take two to do it and that the other person won't play by the same rules.

soverylucky · 17/03/2015 16:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WellTidy · 17/03/2015 16:13

Do you think more underage young people are having sex now than they were (as a proportion of underage young people) say, 25, years ago? And if so, why is that? (genuine question)

candidkate · 17/03/2015 16:15

Safe sex is more important than any ego complex a parent may have about their kid staying "fresh" and "pure" forever

Some girls are not spoken to about sex at home and loose their virginity and become sexually at 18/19

Some girls are dragged to church and are never allowed out and loose their virginity and become sexually active at 12.

To be honest I think its a balance, paying attention to the types of friends your child has, and having conversations about not just sex but relationships also.

I lost my virginity and was sexually active at 19, he's now my DH. My mum allowed him to stay at the house with a midnight curfew.

I think i became sexually active at this age because of the way my parents raised me. It wasn't even outdated "stay pure" rhetoric.

We spoke openly about sex in my house and the dialogue we had meant I just wasn't gagging to drop my knickers. My mum also taught me there there is more to growing up and femininity than the makeup you put on your face and how many boys you shag.

I think sex at 14 is perverse but once the seed is sown that this is acceptable there is little u can do to stop it. Safety is all that matters tbh no matter how much your pride is hurt by your childs choices

GraysAnalogy · 17/03/2015 16:16

They have decades to be an adult, but only a very short time to be a child. I tell my children to enjoy the time when they are children and not wish it away

My mum said the same. Didn't make a difference in the end. I'm sorry I'm being flippant but it's not about what we think, it's about what teenagers are doing. And it's been proven time and time again that teenagers are going to engage in sex. Whether we like it or not, no matter what we teach them. Some parents might be lucky and get a kid who doesn't, they'll immediately connect that to their superior parenting. Some parents aren't lucky and their kids are having sex much earlier, they'll probably blame themselves and others will find fault with how they brought them up. But that's rubbish. We've probably all got anecdotes of when the vice versa of the two situations has happened.

We all put a lot of emphasis into the results our parenting gets, but there's no forgetting that there's a lot more than our influence at play when they get into their teens.

OutsSelf · 17/03/2015 16:17

Among my friends, in the 80s-90s I was quite late to sex at 15. Many of my friends started having sex in YR 9 - (so from 13 to 14) - when we went from middle school to high school. The high school was the best in the area and still has a very good reputation.

I first had sex with a boyfriend who I was with for five years. We began having sex 6 months into our relationship.

My mum styled herself open and available but made it clear that she didn't think we should have sex when I first tested the water (by talking about a friend and her boyfriend). So I didn't tell her. She later took me to the doctors for the pill after agreeing I could go on holiday with that same boyfriend (I was then 17), but we did this mad thing of pretending to one another that we were trying it as a way to manage my teenage spots. So she thinks I was starting to be sexually active from 17 but we'd been shagging for two years by then.

Of a group of maybe twenty? girls who I went to school with and knew well enough to discuss it with I can only think of one who had sex later than me. Her periods didn't start until she was 16, and she started having sex after that. When I got to university everyone on my floor (twenty five or so) was sexually active, we all had boyfriends or casual partners.

I accept that there were lots of girls in my year group that I didn't know well enough and can think of a few that I don't think were sexually active. But it seriously was the 'norm' in my school, and in our area. I don't think our parents knew, I'm fairly certain mine thought themselves pretty progressive for 'putting me' on the pill at 17 and letting me holiday with a boyfriend but I had been with him for 3 years by then. To this day I am the only one of that group of friends (mixed boys and girls) who hasn't slept with two or more people from the friendship group. (Some of them are married to each other now!).

I think it's probably the case that teenagers create their own sexual cultures which is dependent as much on the peer group themselves as parental attitude. IME parents massively overestimate what they know about their teens.