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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

feeling disappointed

303 replies

dragonfly007 · 15/03/2015 08:35

So it's mothers day, I have 2 ds aged 4 & 6. Both super excited by mothers day, ds2 is an early riser so I have been awake since 5am with dad repeatedly returning him to his bed. At6.30 ds1 woke wanting a drink, so I get up and the boys are super excited wanting pancakes, so I write down the receipe and 15 mins later I am brought a cup of tea in bed (complete with sugar, which I don't have in tea), 3 undercooked pancakes resembling mush , instructions state makes 8 little ones (any bigger and they don't cook hence mush delivered) mix of strawberries, blueberries and raspberries not quite ripe. The breakfast has been accompanied with a variety of cards made at school and a card the eldest choose whilst shopping 2 weeks ago. That's it.

Dh doesn't get I might be a tad upset, no small gift, flower nothing. Apparently he plans to go out a buy something later even though he had all afternoon yesterday to pick something up.

Yesterday dh woke and got up at 9:30 whilst I occupied kids downstairs quietly.

I feel upset that there appears little thought and consideration appreciating me. This is my first mothers day where we have not entertained our parents and cooked dinner. I have prepared dinner, the meat is already on as I have considered all of this beforehand. He doesn't get why I might be upset after all I am not his mother, but I have tried explaining that he is setting the standard for the boys.

We are not agreeing and ultimately I am really upset by the lack of effort, please post your thoughts aibu?

OP posts:

Thurlow · 16/03/2015 09:49

"My DH never seems to appreciate me, we never have a night out, he never buys presents on my birthday or Christmas" - YANBU.

"My blueberries weren't ripe and my pancakes were undercooked" - YABU.

But I imagine you can't see that.

Or separate that out from the fact you see your home life as something you have "take control" of.

TheSingingMonkey · 16/03/2015 09:51

You want the moon on a stick OP.

momb · 16/03/2015 09:57

The lie in is a difficult one....one the one hand what you wanted was to stay in bed undisturbed for a couple of hours as a treat..on the other your lovely children were up with the lark itching to give you kisses, home made cards and breakfast in bed.

Mother's day is about the kids at this age..about them spoiling you, rather than you being spoilt, if that makes sense?
Sorry you were disappointed.

Roussette · 16/03/2015 10:04

I am totally confused, OP. Upthread you said your DH was normally really good and was not a lazy inconsiderate man. Now you are saying he doesn't buy birthday or christmas gifts. So what exactly is he? It sounds to me like he can't do right for doing wrong.

When my DC's were litle I expected nothing but a badly cooked breakfast on Mothers Day from my lot - that's if my DH did it at all. Why do you have such high expectations?

You got breakfast in bed that your DCs prepared with the help of your DH, you got a pot plant that your DCs were super excited in getting (your words), you have a DH who is not a lazy inconsiderate man and I'm genuinely confused as to what the problem is?

Pagwatch · 16/03/2015 10:05

Not mumsnets finest hour.

Not your finest weekend.

Enormouse · 16/03/2015 10:05

momb is spot on. This is about the dc showing they love you, in their own way (which they did). Not a controlled, orchestrated gesture.

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually · 16/03/2015 10:20

The repetition of "super excited" is actually making me judge you even more.

But basically, you equate material gifts with being loved. YABU.

I'm super amazed no one has said "I feel sorry for your DH" or "I feel sorry for your DC" yet. I actually feel a bit sorry for you, which I know sounds super patronising but you really have got it all wrong.

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually · 16/03/2015 10:22

Oh and I hate that "valid or not, they are my feelings" crap.

It's basically saying "yes I know I'm being a gigantic twat but that's how I feel like being". Grow up.

itsnotmeitsyou1 · 16/03/2015 10:23

Op, is your name Clare and are you a social worker? Sorry, reading back your posts, you just remind me of someone, especially the way you are with your husband....

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually · 16/03/2015 10:23

A super gigantic twat, sorry

BingBong36 · 16/03/2015 10:26

Yabu.

sebsmummy1 · 16/03/2015 10:28

Pag

Honestly, keep being such an ungrateful cow and your husband may very well find some solace with a more cheerful, upbeat lady.

toriap2 · 16/03/2015 11:07

YABU I'm afraid. Sounds like they really made an effort for you. I got some bath bombs and flowers off DD and a home made cake. I value that more than anything as she took time and effort and a lot of thought.

Behindthepaintedgarden · 16/03/2015 11:25

Wow, not Mumsnet's finest hour because posters dared to tell you that you were being unreasonable.
What is it about Mother's Day? There was a thread last week where the OP took a similar tone to the posters being unreasonable enough to tell her she was being unreasonable.

Anyway, like so many other events which started out as simple and meaningful, Mothers' Day now seems to have strayed very far from it's original intention and has now been blown up by some into a commercialised, Facebook boasting, competitive, MIL bashing extravaganza

whatsthatcomingoverthehill · 16/03/2015 11:40

Drip drip drip.

Or manufacturing some sort of back story to make yourself seem less unreasonable.

candidkate · 16/03/2015 11:49

OP -
You didn't say that you kicked your child down the stairs and danced around them - you said that you feel a bit peeved at your perceived lack of effort on mothers day. You would have thought the latter was the case considering some of your responses.

I'm not disgusted at the post but at the bitchy comments that some other people have posted. Being a mum is hard and sometimes feeling rushed, tired, overworked and under appreciated can make us over react.

People don't post on here to be judged or harangued. Christ. Can we play a little nicer?

Anyways

OP- You are not being unreasonable for feeling the way you do, I don't know you or your living situation but if you know that no effort was put into your mothers day then no one else can judge you. Some people care about mothers day some people don't. My mum doesn't give a shit and would take the cards i made her as a child and scribble a number on the back of it because she couldn't find any paper. I haven't made an effort for her since. My dad LOVES stuff like fathers day so i make sure he gets something to make him feel appreciated.

I think you focused too much on the children - they are ridiculously young. Perhaps be peeved at your husband - who probably couldn't cook anyway? Cant be easy making pancakes in the early morning with two energetic boys. In any case, Your husband sounds like he works super hard - presents and mothers day aren't a real reflection of how your loved ones feel for you. I know people who don't even call their mothers but will have flowers sent every year. I'm sure their mums would take a call every other day.

Feel better xox

pudcat · 16/03/2015 12:38

Itsnotme said Op, is your name Clare and are you a social worker? Sorry, reading back your posts, you just remind me of someone, especially the way you are with your husband...

And is your husband called Brian?

Pipbin · 16/03/2015 12:53

Not the finest hour mumsnet
What would you like MN do about it? You asked AIBU? Everyone said yes and you didn't like that. Not the fault of MN.
Shifting the blame again.

People don't post on here to be judged or harangued. Christ. Can we play a little nicer?
This is AIBU, did you not get the memo.

notsolovely · 16/03/2015 13:04

Not the finest hour......i am howling. Why isn't it? Because you asked for opinions and got them. They just didn't happen to be the ones you wanted? So next year when your dh cooks breakfast in bed, cards and a present....he will be doing it because he has been told to. Not because he thought it would be nice, but because he HAS to....will you be happy then or just sat thinking that a gift you have to demand isn't really a gift.

candidkate · 16/03/2015 13:31

Pipbin Come off it please. It's okay to see YABU its not okay to be nasty mean etc don't behave as though you do not know the difference. Being unreasonable can be down to stress, feeling under appreciated, over worked etc. I'm sure you've had your unreasonable moments as a mother we all bloody have. It doesn't matter if it manifests on mothers day or having to park the car and break down crying or having to just shut the door on a screaming 3 year old because you cant fucking cope. All unreasonable all okay because thats motherhood. It's brave to ask the question and people on here shouldn't jump on the opportunity to be judgmental like a fly on shit. Pathetic. What happened to YABU but are you okay you said you feel unappreciated maybe this is more about that wanna talk?
I guess its not just naughty children online trolling - MN has it too!

farewellfigure · 16/03/2015 13:33

YANBU for being a bit peeved at your DH.

But, your DSs made a sterling effort and showed how much they love and appreciate you in their own way. I think that is lovely.

My DS went out first thing in the morning and cut lots of twigs. He made them into this rather unusual basket thing which he filled with shredded paper, foam eggs, and real mini eggs. He decorated the whole thing with stickers. And me made me a card with a dot-to-dot inside it... the epitome of coolness when it comes to cards obviously. He's 7. I had to delve inside my basket and hope I got a real egg instead of a chocolate one.

DH spent no money on a present or card. He let DS get on with it all by himself because that's what DS wanted to do. And do you know if you tried to wrestle my funny little basket out of my hands in exchange for a Tiffany box I would clutch it to my chest for all I'm worth. I don't care that DH wasn't involved. I'm not his mum. DS ADORED seeing me playing the little game he'd invented, and it was perfect.

candidkate · 16/03/2015 13:39

farewellfigure That's really cute and thoughtful
In terms of our DHs...
Even though it's mothers day and not wife day....It's nice to know that your husband appreciates the mother that you are. As you appreciate the father he is if you get me?
To be quite frank its very easy to forget about, I have several times. I think its such a horrible day to not feel valued if you feel undervalued all year around.

Pipbin · 16/03/2015 16:36

unreasonable moments as a mother
See my previous post on this thread - I am not a mother and never will be.

But I do agree, some people have been rather unkind.

cleoteacher · 16/03/2015 16:46

Sounds nice to me. Breakfast to be expected when made by children

Lot better than my day. Tantruming toddler all day, lots of embarrassing moaning in public. Reduced me to tears at bedtime.

Tried to go out in evening but as soon as entered pub newborn woke up crying so just came home.

FreckledLeopard · 16/03/2015 16:47

I feel really bad for the roasting you've had on here OP. I get where you're coming from. The day should be about you and making your life easier, not about the kids. Therefore, you should get a lie-in, should get food you'll appreciate and your DH should get his arse into gear and think about what he could do to help you. Anything else just smacks of thoughtlessness and being taken for granted.

I disagree that mothers should just "suck it up" and pretend to be happy when presented with something they don't like or makes more work for them.

Hope you have a better day next year.

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