To put my career first? Career/Money or Work Life Balance?

[AccountantsDilemma]

I am at a cross roads in my career and I don't know what to do.

I have worked for my current employer for ten years and I am doing well, have worked up through the ranks and chances are I would make it to Partner....but I am really unhappy. I have two young children, no work life balance and feel constantly taken advantage of at work.

As a result I decided to look for a new job and I now have two offers on the table that I am considering.

1. Option one - FD of a relatively small business, only a handful of people in my team, sizeable pay cut from what I earn now, a few miles drive from my home (15 minute commute), no chance of promotion but a genuine 9 to 5 day - I could drop my children off at pre-prep, it would offer a huge lifestyle change.

1. Option two - the career role, large multi-national, senior role, significant pay rise (pay rise alone is almost more than option 1 pays). I did not think I would get this role, I am not sure I could even do this role - I am terrified I would fail. Even if I am good enough then it is an hour commute each way (same as current commute) and the chances are I would put the children to bed on a Sunday night and not see them until Saturday morning.

My heart is saying that I can't continue to not see my children during the week but my ambition is telling me to push myself and take option 2. I don't know what to do and I am really worried about making the wrong choice and resenting it in the future.

Any words of wisdom, past experience or general help would be much appreciated.

Do people really look back at their life and say ' I really regret I didnt spend more time at work'?

No, but many of them wish they had achieved more.

OP - I get the sense from your posts that you want to go for Option 2, but feel like you should want to take Option 1.

Don't turn down a once in a lifetime opportunity because you are afraid you will fail at it (you won't), or you think as a woman you should value a slower pace of life, and more time with your children.

This is your life, it is your career, it is your opportunity.

It sounds like you are the kind of person who will regret not grasping the chance at the senior role.

Are you?

You know yourself.

Will you be happy turning this chance down, knowing it will not come up again?

Also, if you've just been offered a job, you are in the best position you're going to be in to negotiate things like working hours, holidays, working from home etc.

My opinion is not going to be popular but it's how I feel so here goes -
You can't have everything.
Having a family means compromising and sometimes sacrificing in other areas of your life.
I don't believe that it's just about what one person wants.
When you choose to have children you choose to put other people first for a while.
I believe that you must choose what is best for ALL of the family.

I used to work for an investment bank and did crazy hours for the first four years of my eldest life. I stopped when we had problems having our second child (long traumatic experience) which almost pushed me to a nervous breakdown. Fourteen years later it is my biggest regret that I missed those years of my DS I can hardly look at photos of that time without feeling unbearably sad if I could live my life again that is what I would change.
I think career seems to be important when you are wrapped up in it but I think as a parent you have responsibility to your children as well not just financially but emotionally. With your husband working long hours can you both give them enough time. I would go for option 1 or if you're a gambler set some ground rules of minimum time to be spent with the children choose option 2 and if in six months you are not achieving this or can't see an option to achieving this be prepared to walk away

I spent far too long in a job that was a career dead end for me because it was local and flexible and I had lovely colleagues.

I waited and waited for the perfect opportunity to arise but of course it never did.

Eventually I had enough, handed my notice in, wondered if I was crazy to give up all the positives of my job but I knew I had to do something.

It turned out that what I thought was important to me in terms of a job/career wasn't what I'd assumed all along. I thought an unfulfilling job with just an ok salary was a sacrifice worth making for working locally with flexitime.

But for me having a job that I really enjoy and being adequately remunerated for it is worth the sacrifices in other areas. My only regret is that I didn't do it sooner.

It's impossible to know now whether there will be more advantage to your children long term if you take option 1 or 2.

Being the children of a high achieving, high earning mother could be wonderful for them.

Spending more time with them if you are bored of your life and regretful at opportunities you passed up for them might not be quite so great.

There are plenty of sacrifices parents have to make for their children, but living your own life as a bit player in a supporting role isn't one of them.

(Not that men are supposed to stop being full people if they choose to have a family.)

If your husband is much older and not ambitious, it strikes me that he is in a much better position to arrange his work to spend more time with the children.

I would do Option 2 for the next 3-5 years. Your children are still young, you have a great support network set up and you can bank some savings. By progressing further up the career ladder, you will be able to negotiate a better flexible job after this one, when your children will need you more.

I did Option 2 until secondary, then took some time out to rebalance and now do a 50% role..... I've only been able to do that because I had built up 'career capital' and experience which made me valuable, even on a part time basis.

I think you have one more big job in you..... You will know when you don't, and I'm not sure you are there yet... Congratulations

The problem is that although DH is not ambitious he earns well (double my option 2) and does tend to get home for the children's bedtime 3 or 4 out of 5 nights a week which is much better than I manage.

I can't believe how torn I am feeling.

Difficult OP.

I used to be a solicitor and when my DC were little I was asked to become a judge. I was very torn .

In the end I didn't take it . I don't regret it really as I have another career that I've forged but it would be lovely to have had that experience.

DH was more in your position. Junior partner in a law firm in the city. Could have kept things on the level but instead went for it. He's now very senior, top equity, managing partner role etc.

And actually his work/ life balance is much better than the junior bods, because he can organise his time. So he often does the school run etc. watches matches etc. plus he earns a Kings ransome.

I'm facing this dilemma too, I don't have job offers yet but I'm deciding whether to full pedal or not. My dc are 4 and nearly 2.

I've decided option 1 - actuallyi option 0.1, I'm dropping even more to part time. I know I may well regret it in 20 years and I feel like I'm letting the feminist side down but I just desperately want to see my children more. I miss them.

The 10 year imagining exercises is very useful. It's a personal decision. I find imagining Ive made the decision and I'm telling everyone about it very useful. Am I happy or defensive?

Congratulations OP! I came up through the ranks of big 4 and left at director level to move into industry in a Finance role for a big bank. I can guarantee that option 2, despite sounding like it will be full on, will never be as full on as the accounting big 4 highly pressurised environment where you work all hours. It makes my chuckle when my new colleagues complain of working a bit of overtime ...they have no idea how easy they have it! I'm certainly busy but nowhere near as busy as I was and I find internal delivery much less stressful than external. You are right that option 1 would put option 2 forever off the cards. Depends if you are ready to compromise your career yet. I suspect given your background you are an ambitious sort....I'd go with 2. If you really hate it after a year, look to downsize then, but if you don't go for it, you will spend the rest of your career wonder 'what if?'. Go for it! Good luck!

How old are your dc as personally I found they need you more for all sorts of reasons as they get older.

There is puberty and hormone angst,masses of homework( although if you're lucky enough to be in private I'm guessing they do it all there). As they get older they often just need a hug when they need it and not in a snatched 2 minutes at bedtime.

As an aside my dsis has worked her arse off and got a promotion in order to cut her hours and go part time.Previously she had the dream high flying job but the lack of time with her dc really upset her.The new set up seems to be working a treat.Could you not look for a part time job at a higher level if a job at option 2 level is important to you?

I'd be wary of aiming for the highest just because.If you don't actually like it and it's making you miserable what exactly is the point?

I had to make a similar decision very recently, OP. I agonised over it for days on end, but eventually came down on the side of prioritising my family. I still feel a little sad about the amazing career opportunity that I let go, but overall, it was just a relief to make a decision.

There are no right or wrong answers. The only advice I can give is that you go with what you really want to do, rather than with what you think you should do.

Very few men would give the decision a second thought, so there is no need to feel any guilt if you decide to go for the "big" job. You have obviously worked very hard to get to where you are, and you have a right to enjoy the fruits of this hard work now, and to fully explore your career potential.

Equally, there should be no pressure to take the big opportunity just because it's there, and because you have been so driven in your career to date. It is perfectly permissible for your priorities to change, and for you to decide that you want more balance in your life. This was the struggle for me, as I felt guilty for not pushing my career to its limits, but eventually, I realised that I didn't actually want it as much any more.

Only you can say what will work best. I'm sure your kids will be fine either way, as long as you show them unconditional love and ensure that they are well looked after.

Also OP beware people who predict doom and gloom if you don't take their path ( either way).

Often it is extremely important to then that they believe they have found The One True Way.

When DH was considering his next step up, a close friend advised against it very vehemently. He had just stepped back to spend more time with his DC.

Actually they went their seperate ways over it. That bloke is now divorced and only sees his kids every other weekend. So go figure.

Option 2 over option 1. I don't think the lesser, lower paid role sounds like it is for you.

I'd also consider moving closer, although you say that's not looking great. But cutting down the commute could be good?

My gut feeling is Option 2 for you. I think you would always regret it if you didn't take it and feel frustrated that you weren't using your talents.

Financial issues aren't a concern so it's simple, which will you regret more; missed career opportunities or missed time with your children?

I'd go for 2 - nothing is forever, if it doesn't work, change it. Job opportunities are everything to do with timing, as well as skills. My experience of children is that until secondary school, you can buy childcare. Once they get to teens, you need to be more present - latent effect, if nothing else. In your shoes I'd take the hit of a nanny - nothing like transport up the spout to send stress levels through the ceiling.

I find they're pretty needy in the tweens too(8-12).

I can't believe you would even consider option two tbh. Why bother having kids? Honestly, why? If you'll only see them at weekends? And I would say the same thing to a man posting btw. You will never get this time back with your children. They need you more than any high flying job does. Is a fancy title and more money really more important to you than your children? So sad.

I'm reading with interest, from the other side of the fence so to speak as my DCs are uni age and past. I was ambitious and juggled everything, superwoman style badly while the kids were young and felt wistfully that I wasn't spending enough time with them, and wistfully that I wasn't giving my employer the best deal (arriving a tiny bit late due to school dropoffs, sprinting out of the office at 5 on the dot to pick up from after school club where I'd be glared at for being the last mum to collect, having to take the odd unplanned day off due to illness or school closure, etc) and I was permanently on edge. At work I was thinking about the kids and at home I was thinking about work. Some people can switch off. I loved working but when DH's career took off (in a way that mine never did) I gave up altogether and spent my kids' teen years as a SAHM, and I'm so glad I was there during those exciting years. They've done well, I am not claiming credit for that, but I really enjoyed getting involved and they didn't resent it at all, in fact they appreciated my input. There is really only so much time to go around, if you're in office-brain mode for 10 hours, a 10 minute debrief at the end of the day on schoolwork, friends, uni choices, etc may tick the 'quality time' box but doesn't give the full picture.

However, I'm now 50 and my career is in tatters, I have a 5 year gap that I'm struggling to explain! I want to yell out '2 high achieving children' but I cannot brag their accomplishments on my cv, much as I'd like to! Also, DH assumes me to now be the family skivvy as I took up that role when I 'stopped working'. But that's another issue

I think that if you really want the more challenging position, grab it! You may regret not going for it otherwise. But monitor your work/life balance and if it isn't working, leave the job with the clear reason of putting the family first. However if you look at the reasons you're unhappy with your current position and its already pointing to lack of family time, take the other role with clear conscience and make it challenging for you, you may find new opportunities present themselves along the way.

If option 2 is an on-house role, then as someone else said previously, even if it's full on, it will feel like holidays after big 4. There are usually also flexible and working from home options. You say yourself you're career minded, you will regret taking option 1.

Why bother having kids? Honestly, why? If you'll only see them at weekends? And I would say the same thing to a man posting btw.

So you think all parents should stop working when they have children?

Seeing your children at weekends is pretty standard for a working parent.

Maybe only unemployed people should have children?

Then we won't bother educating them, because why bother? Why? If you're only going to work until you have a child and then what's the point?

Its a personal decision and only you can make it as its very much your own facts and circumstances which mean you can judge what is right. For me i stepped back when child was born. Went pt. Then stopped for 6 years. My colleagues thought i was mad. However now i have a brilliant job that lets me work from home. Loads of responsibility and its part time. I would never have found that job if i had stayed in my previous role
The time i had off allowed me to build up friends locally which i never had before and we all help each other out

In the previous job it was the be all and end all. The time out and option 1 job has let me realise that there is more to life than a job. Its made me a better at my job

Thats my experience but its only mine. Go with your gut instinct

Errr not sure seeing your kids only at weekends is standard for wps..Dp and I both full work time and both see and spend a lot of time with our dc.