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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to boycott my parents' 30th anniversary?

199 replies

VisitTheInfidel · 14/03/2015 17:39

My sister is organising a big party for them and wants to get a professional photo of the 3 of us and the 5 grandchildren as a present. I want no part of it. I've told her I have other plans for the party date and don't want to do the photo because I don't wish to discuss the real reason. She's getting quite arsey about me ruining my parents' special day.

I did the whole special day thing for them 5 years ago for their silver anniversary. Presents, big family get together in nice restaurant, special cake, the whole 9 yards.

Then 2 years ago my dad rang me to tell me that it was all a lie. They had actually got married 2 years after I was born so their real silver anniversary was in a few weeks. They wanted me to know the truth because they wanted a fuss made for their real anniversary.

I was so hurt and angry with both of them. They felt I was over-reacting as it no longer matters if your parents are married like it did back then. I felt like they were missing the point entirely. I didn't care whether they were married when I was born. I cared about a life-time of being lied to and deceived and the fact that their motivation for telling me was entirely their own self interests. I didn't speak to them for the next 6 months and last year's anniversary went by unmarked. I still have so much resentment bottled up and our relationship has never recovered.

So AIBU for wanting no part in this charade?

OP posts:
NoArmaniNoPunani · 14/03/2015 17:42

Tell your sister she's 2 years early

Bowlersarm · 14/03/2015 17:42

YABU. Why are you making it all about you?

FuckItBucket · 14/03/2015 17:42

You didn't speak to your parents because they lied about when they were married?

And you are holding it against them now?

woowoo22 · 14/03/2015 17:43

YABU. Why does it matter so much? Yes, they lied, but not with huge effect surely? Are/were they good people in other respects? Seems a massive over-reaction. Think I would have thought oh, okay you weirdos and moved on.

BitchPeas · 14/03/2015 17:43

YABU

They did what they had to do at the time. Then came clean at a time where they would not be judged. Let it go.

BlueBananas · 14/03/2015 17:44

Hmm I think you're being a bit of a drama queen
However the photo/party is odd if you've just done it a couple of years ago, 30 years isn't a special one is it, I wouldn't like that

RedRugNoniMouldiesEtc · 14/03/2015 17:44

Personally I think you are overreacting. A lifetime of lies? It's their wedding anniversary! As in it belongs to them. I understand you being upset that you would have to do the big thing twice but the rest of it seems rather over the top tbh.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/03/2015 17:46

I think you're being ridiculously selfish and unreasonable. They haven't lived a 'lie', they have had a long, happy marriage and your moment of birth in their marriage or before is neither here or there. You dad didn't ring you to tell you it was 'all a lie' either, you drama llama!

Stamp your feet if you want to but people will think badly of you for being so self-absorbed - and these are people that love you. Be prepared for much deserved consequences.

base9 · 14/03/2015 17:47

YANBU. If they wanted a big party on the real date, then they should have told you BEFORE you threw them a huge party on the wrong date. That is rude and ungrateful.

But why on earth would you keep this a secret?? Why wouldn't you tell your sister? There is no shame in the date of their marriage or even in lying about it all these years.

DecaffTastesWeird · 14/03/2015 17:47

YABU you seem to be missing the point; should be abut your parents, not you

BlueBananas · 14/03/2015 17:48

Drama llama Grin I bloody love that saying!

LaurieFairyCake · 14/03/2015 17:48

Unless this is actually their 30th then everyone would be celebrating a lie surely?

I would want no part of that bullshit

HellBoundNothingFound · 14/03/2015 17:48

Is this for real? Have you gone through a bit of a dry patch of drama? I cannot see why you're so up in arms about this...

TattyDevine · 14/03/2015 17:49

I think you are being a little bit OTT about this. If there are other issues completely unrelated to this, then you need to deal with those. But if its just this I suggest you try and find a way to process it and lighten up over the whole thing. Is there something else?

BrowersBlues · 14/03/2015 17:49

Maybe 30 years ago they lied because it was a disgrace on the family to have a child out of wedlock. I hear you when you say that you don't care whether they were married or not but it was a very different society back then. Girls in my school disapperared if they got pregnant i.e. they left school and went to an aunt in England??? It really was a very big deal back then.

If they were good parents and loved you I would resume your relationship with them and go to the party. It would be an awful shame not to have loving parents in your life. Maybe they have to keep up the pretence for other older relatives.

Two of my closest friends had siblings who were not speaking to their parents when their parents died. From what I am told they really regretted the row which in retrospect was not worth ending their relationship with their parents.

IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece · 14/03/2015 17:50

I cared about a life-time of being lied to and deceived and the fact that their motivation for telling me was entirely their own self interests. I didn't speak to them for the next 6 months and last year's anniversary went by unmarked. I still have so much resentment bottled up and our relationship has never recovered

Seriously?! That is unbelievably pathetic....it has fuck all to do with you...calm your shit down and stop being a drama queen

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 14/03/2015 17:50

YABU yes they lied but its not a lie that hurt anyone is it?! Unless they've done loads of other messed up stuff over the years I fail to see why you're being so stroppy about it all.

Scrounger · 14/03/2015 17:51

I think if the only reason they told you two years later was to have another party and to expect you to foot the bill and organise it then I would be really cross. Does your sister know about the real date? What would happen if you told her why? I'm not so sure I would be so wound up about the actual date itself though to the extent that I wouldn't go to this one. Is there something else in your relationship with them?

Totality22 · 14/03/2015 17:52

I would agree that you are being completely OTT, except the I read the bit about your Dad ringing up up to confess the proper wedding date so they could have another lavish celebration. If this is true then your parents are cheeky fuckers.

Not sure it merits such a massive fall out.

I am confused though, is it their 30th anniversary or their 28th? So they expect a big celebration this year and in two years time?

Redglitter · 14/03/2015 17:52

A life time of lies and deceit Hmm
seriously?

I can't believe you've let this affect your relationship with them.

Tell your sister and delay the plans for a couple of year and in the meantime stop over reacting

Original poster
VisitTheInfidel · 14/03/2015 17:52

No it's not their 30th, it's their 27th.

OP posts:
Bunbaker · 14/03/2015 17:54

I cooked a special silver wedding meal for my parents and wondered at the time why they didn't make a big deal of it. Then five years later we went out for an expensive meal for their 30th anniversary.

It wasn't until after my father died that I discovered that it had been their 24th and 29th anniversaries. They got married because my mum was expecting me. I didn't make a big deal of it. I put it down to just being "one of those things"

I think you have massively over-reacted by not talking to them for 6 months. You sound like a very self absorbed childish teenager, not a grown woman. You have hurt your parents' feelings by your attention seeking behaviour.

I take it your sister is still in the dark. Why?

Comingfoccacia · 14/03/2015 17:55

But they are still together, this is worth celebrating? Are you sure there's nothing else going on? I think they'll have a much better day without you anyway! YABU

Totality22 · 14/03/2015 17:55

Does your sister know it's only the 27th anniversary!

Telling her might be a good start to sorting out the whole photo / party palaver.

usualsuspect333 · 14/03/2015 17:56

Why didn't your dad tell your sister?