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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to boycott my parents' 30th anniversary?

199 replies

VisitTheInfidel · 14/03/2015 17:39

My sister is organising a big party for them and wants to get a professional photo of the 3 of us and the 5 grandchildren as a present. I want no part of it. I've told her I have other plans for the party date and don't want to do the photo because I don't wish to discuss the real reason. She's getting quite arsey about me ruining my parents' special day.

I did the whole special day thing for them 5 years ago for their silver anniversary. Presents, big family get together in nice restaurant, special cake, the whole 9 yards.

Then 2 years ago my dad rang me to tell me that it was all a lie. They had actually got married 2 years after I was born so their real silver anniversary was in a few weeks. They wanted me to know the truth because they wanted a fuss made for their real anniversary.

I was so hurt and angry with both of them. They felt I was over-reacting as it no longer matters if your parents are married like it did back then. I felt like they were missing the point entirely. I didn't care whether they were married when I was born. I cared about a life-time of being lied to and deceived and the fact that their motivation for telling me was entirely their own self interests. I didn't speak to them for the next 6 months and last year's anniversary went by unmarked. I still have so much resentment bottled up and our relationship has never recovered.

So AIBU for wanting no part in this charade?

OP posts:
Momagain1 · 14/03/2015 19:09

Why does it matter so much? Yes, they lied, but not with huge effect surely?

Well, yes, with effect. They already had a big deal 25th Anniversary party, and wanted a second, which they didnt get. Now they are having a 30th party thrown for them Too early, will they want to try again for a double? That sounds like a severe case of delayed bride and groom)zilla.

Or like the parents were/are going through a crisis and your dad involved you! Wonder why your he told you, but no one seems to have told your sister, not even you. Have you conversed with your mum about it, or taken him at face value? Do you think he was going against your mother's preference and trying to set you up to be the bad guy by making their 'secret' public in a very public way?

It's all very odd. Stop stomping around being angry and have some conversations with your family.

Nydj · 14/03/2015 19:09

Grin Bunbaker

Arsenic · 14/03/2015 19:11

how I was a honeymoon baby, going through wedding photos pointing out my grandad who I was told I never met as he died 6 months after the wedding (effectively wiping out the year and a half I did know him and laughing at me claiming to have memories of him).

Ouch. And you're not in the wedding photos?

Original poster
VisitTheInfidel · 14/03/2015 19:11

Yes Nydj they loved it. I thought it went really well at the time. Now I feel pretty stupid and like everyone was having a laugh behind my back. My sister was living in America at the time so it was just aunties, uncles and 1 remaining grandparent and 2 half siblings. Everyone there knew that it wasn't really their 25th except me.

OP posts:
NoArmaniNoPunani · 14/03/2015 19:11

The part about lying to you when you said you remembered your grandad is the worst part of their lie. Why would they do that?

Original poster
VisitTheInfidel · 14/03/2015 19:13

No I'm not in the wedding photos as I was left with a neighbour for the day.

OP posts:
Arsenic · 14/03/2015 19:15

Everyone there knew that it wasn't really their 25th except me.

It doesn't get better, does it?

Your sister needs to be told now and your parents should do it. There is no need for all this continued deceit.

Bunbaker · 14/03/2015 19:16

Well, if everyone knows except for your sister it's time she knew now.

Momagain1 · 14/03/2015 19:16

wedding (effectively wiping out the year and a half I did know him and laughing at me claiming to have memories of him).

That was cruel. If you had included this in your OP, people eould understand your position better.

base9 · 14/03/2015 19:18

It is not okay that they let you throw them a 25th anniversary party when everyone else present knew the truth. That is humiliating.

But... why haven't you told your sister??

Nydj · 14/03/2015 19:24

It's a shame that the whole of the rest of the family let you throw the party when they knew the truth. Maybe you could talk to your parents and explain that you are still very upset and perhaps they should tell your sister the truth to avoid her going through the embarrassment and pain that you went through after the party.

Nydj · 14/03/2015 19:26

Btw, I doubt that anyone was laughing at you behind your back - unless you have really nasty relatives - I suspect that the rest of them thought you were great to have organised such a lovely party which they all enjoyed.

Marynary · 14/03/2015 19:26

Although it wouldn't bother me if I found out my parents has lied about when they got married that is because we have never really discussed or made a big deal about their wedding anniversary. It seems as though your parents have though. If they have told many lies and stories over the years I can see why you're very angry. I also would be annoyed that they didn't say that it wasn't their 25th anniversary before you organised a big party that your relatives attended knowing that it wasn't actually their 25th.

Also, it wasn't that big a deal to be an unmarried parent 28 years ago (mid/late 80s) so I don't see why they felt the need to lie about it in the first place.

Original poster
VisitTheInfidel · 14/03/2015 19:27

I haven't told my sister because we have no relationship. I've tried but she's not interested. Other than a few recent messages on FB about this party and photo shoot the last communication from her was 2 years ago and I haven't seen her for almost 7 years.

OP posts:
Boreoff456 · 14/03/2015 19:31

See that's what I would be upset about. That I spent time, money and effort on a celebration.....but everyone there (apart from me) knew it was a lie. Then to be told years later with a request of 'can you throw us another big party' is pretty shameful. I wouldn't be upset they lied about the year they got married but would be annoyed about that. I would also be upset that they have tried to delete memories you have of relatives. But why have you not told your sister? She is doing exactly what you are doing and everyone at your parents party, including you, will know the truth. If it upset you, tell her. You are doing to her, what the whole family did to you. If you really feel hurt by what they did, you should tell your sister.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/03/2015 19:33

Do you think there are elements of this which intersect with your ASD? The two things that leap out are your DPs laughing about your early memories and the conversation with your DF. Early memories can be associated with ASD and a 1.5 yo making vivid memories is VERY rare in NT children. Your DPs could be forgiven for thinking that a 1 yo probably didn't have memories of their GF. Secondly, your DF saying that he wanted another party sounds like a badly worded and silly joke. It doesn't sound like something that someone would say in all earnestness. Do you think it could have a been a joke, made to cover his embarrassment with the situation and lying to you?

Original poster
VisitTheInfidel · 14/03/2015 19:34

There is a big age gap (20 years) between them and the reason they didn't get married when they said they did was because my dad was still married to his first wife. My mum was 17 at the time. So I can see why there might be some stigma.

OP posts:
Camolips · 14/03/2015 19:36

Your sister needs to know though. You felt humiliated by being the only one in the dark at the last party, the same thing will happen to her and that should be avoided. I've lived with dp since 1983 and am surprised that someone would feel the need to lie about a child outside of marriage. Everyone lived together then and accidents happened! No need to lie to your children at all. I can't believe that it never came up in conversation with relatives unless they were all sworn to secrecy. And as for lying about a grandfather, that's terrible and I can see how you feel upset. A long talk with your parents is overdue I think.

Boreoff456 · 14/03/2015 19:36

Clearly more to this then OP, that you are drip feeding. You have no relationship with your sister, yet are bothered that she is annoyed at you about this party. And at no point you haven't said 'you do realise its not their 30th' . If you have no relationship with her, there are probably more issues than you are saying. Are you. Holding off telling her so she does humiliate herself? You feel humiliated, why let it happen to someone else?

base9 · 14/03/2015 19:36

Infidel, I reckon your sister would be interested in this! Don't let your parents do to her what they did to you.

Marynary · 14/03/2015 19:41

She'll be 70 soon and I've no idea whether she's fessed up yet, but I'd give DN short shrift if he made such a daft fuss of it now. Although I'm 99.9% certain he wouldn't give a toss.

It's not the same at all. It was a huge deal to have unmarried parents in the 60s and 70s so understandable that your sister lied. Things were very different in the 80s..

Boreoff456 · 14/03/2015 19:43

So they changed their date to cover up you were born out of wedlock or that you were born while he was married to someone else? Do you actually know the full story? Is there more to this? My auntie was a single parent in the late 70s and never felt the need to hide anything, children out of wed lock in the 80s wasn't that rare.

miniavenger · 14/03/2015 19:44

Send her the fb message: You know I put a lot of thought, time and effort into mum and dad's last celebration and afterwards dad told me I had the dates wrong and they wanted another party on the true date. This made me very upset that they didn't appreciate the party I threw, combined with the fact they lied to me and everyone knew by myself I was even more upset. I don't want to pretend another date and I don't want you to get told the same after you throw them a party. If you chose to that's up to you, but the true date of their 30th is X.

MissusThePoint · 14/03/2015 19:44

Your parents being married 2 years before you thought - no big deal.

Your parents not taking you to their own wedding, lying to you about knowing your GP, letting you throw a party for their 25th when everyone else knew the truth then asking for another bloody party - big deal!

I'd be pretty pissed off if I were in your shoes OP. But it's not worth going over board for.

You really do need to tell your sister though. Presumably this is a surprise party she's arranging? In which case when the party happens aren't your parents going to say "why didn't you tell her?!".

Alternatively, you tell your DPs what your sisters up to and that they need to 'fess up to her.

Original poster
VisitTheInfidel · 14/03/2015 19:45

I am now starting to see a connection MrsPratchett. I know I'm absolute about right and wrong. Lies are bad. Faced with a situation where I know a white lie is expected, I'm like a rabbit caught in the headlights. I have to literally put my hands over my mouth to keep the truth in. I've also spend my whole life having people take the piss out of me for not knowing stuff others instinctively knew. My dad is a bastard for making jokes at my expensive. I've spent most of my life pretty much non verbal because he used to think it was funny to put sellotape over my mouth because I talked continuously as a child.

OP posts:
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