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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to boycott my parents' 30th anniversary?

199 replies

VisitTheInfidel · 14/03/2015 17:39

My sister is organising a big party for them and wants to get a professional photo of the 3 of us and the 5 grandchildren as a present. I want no part of it. I've told her I have other plans for the party date and don't want to do the photo because I don't wish to discuss the real reason. She's getting quite arsey about me ruining my parents' special day.

I did the whole special day thing for them 5 years ago for their silver anniversary. Presents, big family get together in nice restaurant, special cake, the whole 9 yards.

Then 2 years ago my dad rang me to tell me that it was all a lie. They had actually got married 2 years after I was born so their real silver anniversary was in a few weeks. They wanted me to know the truth because they wanted a fuss made for their real anniversary.

I was so hurt and angry with both of them. They felt I was over-reacting as it no longer matters if your parents are married like it did back then. I felt like they were missing the point entirely. I didn't care whether they were married when I was born. I cared about a life-time of being lied to and deceived and the fact that their motivation for telling me was entirely their own self interests. I didn't speak to them for the next 6 months and last year's anniversary went by unmarked. I still have so much resentment bottled up and our relationship has never recovered.

So AIBU for wanting no part in this charade?

OP posts:
MaryWestmacott · 14/03/2015 20:39

I think the fact your mum was a teenager pregnant by a married man 20 years older than her would have been a huge deal in the mid-80s everywhere but the most trendy and cosmpolitan areas. I can see why they'd lie to make it seem more respectable/would have family pressure to lie. (even more so if they came from religious families).

You need to tell your sister, just a factual FB message explaining that you don't want to get involved as it's not their 30th but their 27th/28th anniversary and she should speak to your parents to cofirm.

Stay away from the drama. Factual, don't worry about people not liking you, just tell your sister the truth then step away - if she's angry, it'll be atyour parents, not you.

Marynary · 14/03/2015 20:45

I grew up in the '70s/80s and I didn't know a single child who had unmarried parents.

Those children would have been born in the 60s though when it was a scandal to have a child if you weren't married. It wasn't unusual or scandalous in the mid/late 80s to have a child if you weren't married. I know plenty of people who did that.

Marynary · 14/03/2015 20:50

A 37 year old married man getting a 17 year old girl pregnant would have been a massive deal in the 80s so I can understand how the deception started. What I struggle with is once they told you why didn't they tell your sister, seems so stupid.

I think it was less of a deal then than it would be now actually.

Debinaround · 14/03/2015 20:51

Just want to send you Flowers

Please don't care about people on here being angry at you. Stuff them!

Oh and YANBU

MaryWestmacott · 14/03/2015 20:55

Marynary - it does depend on the community. In a lot of the country it would have been embarrassing for the whole family. (quite possibly the 'other woman' aspect more than 'unmarried mother' issue or age gap.)

Original poster
VisitTheInfidel · 14/03/2015 20:56

Bunbaker Yes I have a brother. He moved out when he was 16 and only got back in touch with my parents a few years ago. I believe he's close to my sister now as they go on holiday together but I haven't seen him yet. That's also partly why it would feel weird doing a 'happy families' photo.

OP posts:
HootyMcTooty · 14/03/2015 20:58

To have 3 siblings who do not have any relationship suggests a fair amount of family dysfunction. I wouldn't be posing for happy family photos in those circumstances either.

notsolovely · 14/03/2015 21:00

I think the fact that he got a young girl pregnant whilst married is at the heart of all the problems. The parents have spent years rewriting history. Regarding their wedding, the OPs memories. You father seems like someone who does what he wants regardless of the consequences and for some reason the whole family has gone along with it. Asking for another party just shows the depths of his selfishness. There is so much more to this than just 'they lied about when they got married'.

notsolovely · 14/03/2015 21:00

Op - does he have children from his first marriage?

HootyMcTooty · 14/03/2015 21:01

The parents have spent years rewriting history

This.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/03/2015 21:02

Visit after having RTFT, I say do whatever makes you feel the happiest. Your Dad was abusive. You don't have much of a relationship with your siblings. Your ASD is a part of who you are and your parents should be cool with it. FWIW my DBro is like that with right and wrong. I don't bother arguing with him about it, he's fine how he is. And a lot more moral in a lot of ways than I am with all my NT 'shades of grey' thinking.

Be yourself, you sound great. Flowers

Marynary · 14/03/2015 21:05

Marynary - it does depend on the community. In a lot of the country it would have been embarrassing for the whole family. (quite possibly the 'other woman' aspect more than 'unmarried mother' issue or age gap.)*

People weren't as disapproving in the 1980s of 16/17 year olds having relationships with older men as they are now. For example, at my school a couple of girls in the six form were going out with teachers. They kept quiet about it but wasn't illegal as it is nowadays and the teachers weren't sacked when people found out about it later. Although there was disapproval of Bill Wyman (47) going out with Mandy Smith (13) people weren't as outraged as they would be today and he wasn't prosecuted.

Marynary · 14/03/2015 21:05

Marynary - it does depend on the community. In a lot of the country it would have been embarrassing for the whole family. (quite possibly the 'other woman' aspect more than 'unmarried mother' issue or age gap.)

People weren't as disapproving in the 1980s of 16/17 year olds having relationships with older men as they are now. For example, at my school a couple of girls in the six form were going out with teachers. They kept quiet about it but wasn't illegal as it is nowadays and the teachers weren't sacked when people found out about it later. Although there was disapproval of Bill Wyman (47) going out with Mandy Smith (13) people weren't as outraged as they would be today and he wasn't prosecuted.

Original poster
VisitTheInfidel · 14/03/2015 21:06

notsolovely I have 3 half siblings. I only know 2 of them as the oldest stayed with her mum and has always been no contact with my dad.

OP posts:
toldmywrath · 14/03/2015 21:07

Yanbu OP. The telling thing for me is that your dad wanted a fuss made of their "real" 25th wa. Fwiw when we had our 25th wedding anniversary we were dropping one of our dc at uni-a long way from home so had an overnight stop. None of our dc even got us a card, let alone celebrated! It didn't bother us.
Your sister should be told the real reason. And another thing-if you barely see her, what's all the fuss about having a family portrait?I don't understand this-it's all for show by the sounds.

Original poster
VisitTheInfidel · 14/03/2015 21:08

Can I just say thank you to everyone who has taken the time to offer advice. I've got a lot to mull over.

OP posts:
jemimapuddleduck208 · 14/03/2015 21:08

How pathetic and judgemental of you, OP.

Cucumberisproofthedevilexists · 14/03/2015 21:12

Jemima, I suggest you try actually reading the thread.

Marynary · 14/03/2015 21:12

Read the thread jemimapuddleduck208

Gwenci · 14/03/2015 21:13

Suggest you read the whole thread Jemima

jemimapuddleduck208 · 14/03/2015 21:14

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Gwenci · 14/03/2015 21:15

Hopefully the irony of calling someone 'judgemental' when you haven't bothered to read the full story won't be lost on you!

Gwenci · 14/03/2015 21:15

Ahh, maybe it would...

base9 · 14/03/2015 21:18

Good luck, OP. Just ignore the fuckwits who have not bothered to RTFT.

Arsenic · 14/03/2015 21:19

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