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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to boycott my parents' 30th anniversary?

199 replies

VisitTheInfidel · 14/03/2015 17:39

My sister is organising a big party for them and wants to get a professional photo of the 3 of us and the 5 grandchildren as a present. I want no part of it. I've told her I have other plans for the party date and don't want to do the photo because I don't wish to discuss the real reason. She's getting quite arsey about me ruining my parents' special day.

I did the whole special day thing for them 5 years ago for their silver anniversary. Presents, big family get together in nice restaurant, special cake, the whole 9 yards.

Then 2 years ago my dad rang me to tell me that it was all a lie. They had actually got married 2 years after I was born so their real silver anniversary was in a few weeks. They wanted me to know the truth because they wanted a fuss made for their real anniversary.

I was so hurt and angry with both of them. They felt I was over-reacting as it no longer matters if your parents are married like it did back then. I felt like they were missing the point entirely. I didn't care whether they were married when I was born. I cared about a life-time of being lied to and deceived and the fact that their motivation for telling me was entirely their own self interests. I didn't speak to them for the next 6 months and last year's anniversary went by unmarked. I still have so much resentment bottled up and our relationship has never recovered.

So AIBU for wanting no part in this charade?

OP posts:
MaryWestmacott · 14/03/2015 17:56

I can see why you'd be annoyed that they didn't feel the need to tell you when you did the big fake 25th party for them (and I assume at big expense to you and your DSis?) then wanted a second 25th fuss. that seems rather grabby and only telling you the truth not because they felt you should know the truth, but because they wanted something out of it.

I'd tell your DSis you'll do a big 30th bash on your parents' real 30th wedding anniversary, so in 2 years time. They can't have it both ways, wanting the real date celebrated and the fake one.

But cut them some slack about the lies, 30 years ago it was a much bigger deal, particularly in more religious families/areas. (this is rather assuming you didn't hear through your childhood about 'terrible, feckless single mothers' or got lectures about waiting until your wedding night/being told if you got pregnant out of wedlock it would be the end of the world/unforgivable etc - that would be rather harder to forgive)

TyrannosaurusBex · 14/03/2015 17:56

Why not tell your sister?

Totality22 · 14/03/2015 17:56

Sorry I misread the OP as being the dates are out by two years not three.

UnikittyInHerBusinessSuit · 14/03/2015 17:57

So what happened on their actual 25th? Was there a party? Was your DSis there? Were there members of the older generation at the fake 25th keeping shtuum?

base9 · 14/03/2015 17:57

why haven't you told your sister?

BoneyBackJefferson · 14/03/2015 17:57

Browers

Lets not pressure the OP with emotional blackmail.

ClashCityRocker · 14/03/2015 17:57

Calm your tits.

Tell your sister.

Do the whole party in two years time. I don't see what difference it makes, tbh - 30 is just an arbitrary number, 27 is pretty cool too.

It's hardly living a lie. Jesus, my dad told me he'd been shagging someone else for five years on his and my mums 25th.

MrsBungle · 14/03/2015 17:57

Yabu. What a mountain out of a mile hill.

helenthemadex · 14/03/2015 17:58

I am not sure why your parents are carrying on the deception, if I am understanding correctly then they have in fact only been married 27years and should say so rather than go through the whole bullshit of celebrating their 30th anniversary when they havent been married 30 years. Does your sister not know the truth

Janethegirl · 14/03/2015 17:58

Knowing the truth about the dates, I would want no part in it too but it looks like the general opinion is against you.
You will be misunderstood by your sister (may be not by your parents though!).
Do consider all the options before starting a potentially serious family rift, assuming you normally get on ok with family.

annielouisa · 14/03/2015 18:01

You have no idea of what you parents went through back then. I was a single mum in the late 70s and wore a cheap gold ring to avoid awkward questions and condemnation.

I was supported by a god family GP and a lovely DM my DF had passed away but that did not stop a SW turning up at the hospital and trying to talk me into adoption.

You are their child and they kept you it is not like they hid your parentage just their personal secret.

Latara · 14/03/2015 18:01

Get them to tell your sister as it really is no biggie and they shouldn't keep secrets like that from her but not you.

Tbh I wouldn't be too upset because at least they are still together and wanting to celebrate their marriage, I think that's lovely.

Doyouthinktheysaurus · 14/03/2015 18:01

Good lord, what a big fuss about nothingConfused

Your poor parents. what a big drama over nothing.

Boreoff456 · 14/03/2015 18:04

Yabu about the whole 'living a lie' bit. However I think your dad is a cheeky shit, to tell you just so the can have another party. From your OP I am assuming they expected you to pay for it again....how would that have been explained to your sister. 2 party's both silver weddings. He should have told you before or kept his mouth shut. Personally I would tell your sister. Not to be spiteful, but she is spending money and likely to be told in 2 years when your dad wants another party. Then she will be upset that you ALL knew and didn't say anything while she spent money on an anniversary.

usualsuspect333 · 14/03/2015 18:06

I wouldn't be upset at all. On my parents 25th wedding anniversary we found out that my mum must have been pregnant with my eldest brother when they got married.

We all suddenly twigged the dates Grin

Things were different back then, it's not a big deal.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/03/2015 18:14

There have been a couple of massive lies in my family told to protect people. I know them know, after the possibility of the people involved being hurt was gone. Both lies affected me but not to the same extent they affected the people involved.

Thank your lucky stars we don't live in a place or time where this shit is important any more, that your parents weathered the storm and married, that they cared enough that they wanted you and your DSis to feel the same as each other, and that you get to throw a party for your DParents. Life is short and it really doesn't matter.

Oh, and tell your DSis.

championnibbler · 14/03/2015 18:17

YABVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVU.
get over it.
its just a few years that have done you no harm.
seriously.

Branleuse · 14/03/2015 18:17

why are you making this all about you?

BoneyBackJefferson · 14/03/2015 18:20

I don't understand how they can be carrying on the deception if they had their 25th anniversary twice.

Did they just have a big celebration and name it something else?

FWIW, If they are continuing the lie about the dates I can see why the OP is unhappy, as they will surely have another 30th anniversary in 2 years time.

Ragwort · 14/03/2015 18:20

Grow up.

We always wondered why my DGPs didn't want to celebrate their Golden Anniversary and only found out after they had both died that my DGM had a child before she met DGF and therefore our uncle was a 'half uncle' - that was a huge deal back then - 1930s.

It really doesn't matter, why are you letting it bother you so much?

Original poster
VisitTheInfidel · 14/03/2015 18:20

I have no idea why they didn't tell my sister.

When I was 5 I got a birthday book for Christmas. My mum helped me fill in all the family birthdays and special days. It had a list all the anniversaries in the front. I was completely obsessed with it, in the way only someone with AS can be. I went through them with my mum many times over the years with her telling me stories about what my dad bought her for this or that anniversary, how I was a honeymoon baby, going through wedding photos pointing out my grandad who I was told I never met as he died 6 months after the wedding (effectively wiping out the year and a half I did know him and laughing at me claiming to have memories of him).

OP posts:
Bowlersarm · 14/03/2015 18:21

no it's not their 30th, it's their 27th

Well then give your mum and dad a squeeze and whisper "happy 27th, you foxes".

And stop being so fucking miserable OP.

ShanVanVocht · 14/03/2015 18:22

Are you always this self absorbed? YABVU, and childish. You stopped talking to them for six months? PResumably this is the only actual problem you have with them or no doubt you'd mention it....
Some of us don't have any parents at all and would be fucking delighted to have some that cared enough to tell a white lie like they did. You ungrateful madam.

Bunbaker · 14/03/2015 18:23

I spy a drip feed. If you had stated in the first post that you have AS we might not have jumped on you the way we have done.

Even so, it isn't something worth falling out with your family over.

Boreoff456 · 14/03/2015 18:26

Hmmm you didn't feel it was relevant to mention AS before?

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