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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to boycott my parents' 30th anniversary?

199 replies

VisitTheInfidel · 14/03/2015 17:39

My sister is organising a big party for them and wants to get a professional photo of the 3 of us and the 5 grandchildren as a present. I want no part of it. I've told her I have other plans for the party date and don't want to do the photo because I don't wish to discuss the real reason. She's getting quite arsey about me ruining my parents' special day.

I did the whole special day thing for them 5 years ago for their silver anniversary. Presents, big family get together in nice restaurant, special cake, the whole 9 yards.

Then 2 years ago my dad rang me to tell me that it was all a lie. They had actually got married 2 years after I was born so their real silver anniversary was in a few weeks. They wanted me to know the truth because they wanted a fuss made for their real anniversary.

I was so hurt and angry with both of them. They felt I was over-reacting as it no longer matters if your parents are married like it did back then. I felt like they were missing the point entirely. I didn't care whether they were married when I was born. I cared about a life-time of being lied to and deceived and the fact that their motivation for telling me was entirely their own self interests. I didn't speak to them for the next 6 months and last year's anniversary went by unmarked. I still have so much resentment bottled up and our relationship has never recovered.

So AIBU for wanting no part in this charade?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 14/03/2015 18:28

I didn't notice your NN Visit. Nothing you write is unreasonable today. Any STPratchett-named MNer is allowed to write what they like for the next few days. Sad

Bowlersarm · 14/03/2015 18:29

Your bloody stupid dad. Why the hell did he ring you!

Tell your sister. Then , once she's got her head round it, she can tell you it's not the end of the world .

Newlywed2013 · 14/03/2015 18:30

I wouldn't fall out but I would not have anything to do with their anniversaries YANBU to not want anything to do with the party etc!

sticklebrickstickle · 14/03/2015 18:31

I dont think you are being unreasonable and i think your parents alwere unreasonable to lie to you and your sister. We're only talking 30 years ago, 1985 - it wasnt such a big deal back then. My mum was very heavily pregnant with me (her second dc) when she married in the late 80s and i have similarly aged friends with unwed parents. Plus your family (grandparents, aunts/uncles etc) presumably knew so they were only lying to you and your sister?

I'd tell your sister the truth and then ignore this anniversary, waiting until the real one in 2 years time.

AlphaBravoHenryFoxtons · 14/03/2015 18:32

Just buy balloons with 27th Anniversary on them. Grin But go. And smile for the group photo.

Bowlersarm · 14/03/2015 18:33

Really newlywed and sticklebrick? How nasty Sad

Yarp · 14/03/2015 18:34

I think the extent of your upset is extreme, but actually I think I'd be annoyed at my dad coming clean when he didn't need to just to get a party out of it.

Original poster
VisitTheInfidel · 14/03/2015 18:38

It never occurred to me to mention AS in my OP. I only referred to it in connection to having a special interest. I'm embarassed to admit that I assumed people would know anyway. Sorry.

OP posts:
Teeb · 14/03/2015 18:39

I don't understand the replies you've had. YOur parents sound like selfish grabby afseholes wanting a 2nd party after the first deceit.

sticklebrickstickle · 14/03/2015 18:42

Yes really Bowlersarm. I don't think it's nasty to ignore non-significant anniversaries (unless they're your own) - i never acknowledge the anniversaries of my parents outside of the big ones. Let them celebrate their 28th anniversary as a couple without any big fuss from friends/family but in 2 years time i would acknkwledge their 30th anniversary.

And definitely tell your sister and anyone else they've been lying to do you don't have the same problem in another 5 years.

diddl · 14/03/2015 18:42

I think that it was really mean of your dad to tell you 2yrs later in the hope of another party!

I'm not getting why you wouldn't tell your sister though.

Do you want all her effort to be for nothing as yours was?

It isn't her fault if she doesn't know!

I can see why she is being arsey tbh.

itsmeitscathy · 14/03/2015 18:42

I think you're being reasonable. To only want you to know about their real date so you can spend yet more money was crass. I couldn't imagine not telling my sister something like that though.

Aridane · 14/03/2015 18:44

Yep - YABU - and a drip feeder

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/03/2015 18:45

I really like Bowlers's response, it's the only one that really has any dignity as a comeback, I think - just repeat it, exactly as it is - and tell them that the last party was on you, this time they will need to save their pennies for their spectacular bash.

No need for any nastiness at all, just gentle ribbing if you want.

You do need to rethink your behaviour and approach to this though, OP. It really doesn't portray you very well at all and your parents do not deserve your lack of respect.

binspin · 14/03/2015 18:48

Are you going to let this spoil your relationship with your parents?

Maybe time to ask your parents to tell your sister.

lastlines · 14/03/2015 18:53

OP there are good lies and bad lies. Their lie was a good lie, done to protect you. Clearly they were together. Maybe they celebrated the day they met or got it together, or whatever, instead. I have lots of friends who celebrate the anniversary of their meeting because they never bothered to marry.
They are still together. They want to celebrate that. Be glad they're happy and that they did what they did so there was no stupid, snotty unnecessary stigma around you as you grew up. That's loving, not despicable.

ClumsyNinja · 14/03/2015 18:56

Seriously OP? YABvvvvvU!

My oldest sister celebrated her silver wedding anniversary a year earlier as they had pretended they were married when DN was born. She's was a teenager and our DF was an arse about the whole thing.

She'll be 70 soon and I've no idea whether she's fessed up yet, but I'd give DN short shrift if he made such a daft fuss of it now. Although I'm 99.9% certain he wouldn't give a toss.

Your poor parents.

Nydj · 14/03/2015 18:59

OP, did your parents go along with it fully and were they appreciative of the efforts you made for their not really silver anniversary?

I can understand why you feel the way you do if you are on the AS but I think you need to try and let it go. Parents do tell lies to their children - often to help them make sense of a confusing world and so your parents ended up telling you lies in order to make sense of the date that they had pretended to have gotten married on. I am pretty old and remember being a teenager in the UK during 1985 and am surprised that your parents felt the need to lie about their marital status - society, in general, was fairly accepting of the fact of people living together and having children before marriage at the time.

miniavenger · 14/03/2015 19:02

Why don't you just tell your sister why you are upset? I'm sure she'll be very upset if your dad calls her up too in a year or two, says the party didn't mean too much and that they actually want another on the right date.

sticklebrickstickle · 14/03/2015 19:03

I think your parents DO deserve your lack of respect. They showed you a complete lack of respect by lying to you for 25 years and only coming clean with you so you'd waste your time and money on another big celebration for them. They continue to show your sister a complete lack of respect by maintaining this lie with her and letting her waste her time and money on another celebration under false pretences.

Good relationships should be built on trust and honesty, it seems they were only able to be honest out of greed and honesty, not respect for you/your sister and I'm not surprised you feel angry at that. I think it is completely reasonable you do feel upset by their behaviour. I don't think you should let it ruin your relationship but i understand not wanting to have to pretend like this isn't the case by celebrating their false anniversary.

sticklebrickstickle · 14/03/2015 19:05

It of greed and selfishness**

ohmychrist · 14/03/2015 19:05

You are being completely ridiculous.

BigRedBall · 14/03/2015 19:07

YABU. Why haven't you told your sister? It's not even a big deal. Get over it.

Bunbaker · 14/03/2015 19:07

" I am pretty old and remember being a teenager in the UK during 1985"

You're not old. I was a teenager in 1975!

bringbacksideburns · 14/03/2015 19:08

Bloody hell. Life is too short.

Be thankful that they are both still here. Two years, big parties, whatever.

Glad to see i'm not the only person here who thinks there are far more things to not talk to your parents to for six months than this.

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