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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to boycott my parents' 30th anniversary?

199 replies

VisitTheInfidel · 14/03/2015 17:39

My sister is organising a big party for them and wants to get a professional photo of the 3 of us and the 5 grandchildren as a present. I want no part of it. I've told her I have other plans for the party date and don't want to do the photo because I don't wish to discuss the real reason. She's getting quite arsey about me ruining my parents' special day.

I did the whole special day thing for them 5 years ago for their silver anniversary. Presents, big family get together in nice restaurant, special cake, the whole 9 yards.

Then 2 years ago my dad rang me to tell me that it was all a lie. They had actually got married 2 years after I was born so their real silver anniversary was in a few weeks. They wanted me to know the truth because they wanted a fuss made for their real anniversary.

I was so hurt and angry with both of them. They felt I was over-reacting as it no longer matters if your parents are married like it did back then. I felt like they were missing the point entirely. I didn't care whether they were married when I was born. I cared about a life-time of being lied to and deceived and the fact that their motivation for telling me was entirely their own self interests. I didn't speak to them for the next 6 months and last year's anniversary went by unmarked. I still have so much resentment bottled up and our relationship has never recovered.

So AIBU for wanting no part in this charade?

OP posts:
Original poster
VisitTheInfidel · 14/03/2015 19:51

Boreoff to be honest I'm terrified of anyone being annoyed at me. Even complete strangers on an internet forum Blush.

OP posts:
HootOnTheBeach · 14/03/2015 19:53

Is this a joke?

BathshebaDarkstone · 14/03/2015 19:53

I can understand why you'd be upset about them trying to erase memories from when you were 1.5, also expecting a second big party after the first.

MissusThePoint · 14/03/2015 19:55

Oh, Visit that's horrible for you - the cellotape. He shouldn't have done that.

You will probably feel much better if you just tell your sister.

Just fb or txt her and say "sorry I've been a bit off about this party. It's because it's not their 30th, it's their 27th. Dad told me after I threw them a silver wedding party".

This shouldn't be your problem alone to deal with. Move the burden off your shoulders.

Andylion · 14/03/2015 19:56

"Yes Nydj they loved it. I thought it went really well at the time. Now I feel pretty stupid and like everyone was having a laugh behind my back. My sister was living in America at the time so it was just aunties, uncles and 1 remaining grandparent and 2 half siblings. Everyone there knew that it wasn't really their 25th except me."

This would really piss me off. You went through all that effort for a party and everyone there knew it was a farce. And then your dad wants another party celebrating the real date? Forget it.

Arsenic · 14/03/2015 19:57

The sellotape thing is horrible.

*Missus&' plan is sraightforward and non-confrontational.

CaptainHolt · 14/03/2015 20:07

I grew up in the '70s/80s and I didn't know a single child who had unmarried parents. I was about 10 before I met a girl with divorced parents and a mother at my primary school died but that was it. Lots of people must have lied to pretend their child was born in wedlock. I don't see the malice or why anybody would be bothered now.

The Grandad thing is bizarre though. Why not say 'he died when you were 2' rather than 'he died 6 months after our wedding'?
My Grandmother died a month after I was born but I haven't got a clue what that would relate to in terms of my parents wedding. It's a odd reference, and the sellotape thing is fucked up. I can't believe you are boycotting them over a now trivial white lie, but not because they were shits to you when you were growing up.

HootyMcTooty · 14/03/2015 20:08

Ok, so I think your reaction to them lying about their actual anniversary is way over the top, but if part of your AS is that you're obsessive over dates, then it is understandable that you struggle to keep this in perspective. However, I can totally understand why you're annoyed at being allowed to carry on the charade for their 25th anniversary, if they were intending to celebrate the real one. Not only is it embarrassing for you that you were the only one who didn't know at the first party, but for them to expect to celebrate their 25th anniversary twice is Shock, they should have told you before you arranged the first party.

What's done is done, you can't change it and I don't think it's really worth falling out with your family over, but I think you should tell your DSis that you have no intention of celebrating their anniversary this year as she's two years too early, and if she wants to know more, she should call your parents. Leave it at that.

As for your DF sellotaping your mouth. That's disgraceful.

FishWithABicycle · 14/03/2015 20:08

You're being a tiny bit ott to be this upset. But it's not unreasonable to point out that this year isn't anything special if this is actually their 27th?/28th? anniversary and say you'll be very happy to make plans when it's actually their 30th. It's not worth falling out over though.

SuggestmeaUsername · 14/03/2015 20:13

so am I right in saying that your sister is planning a party for them for what she thinks is their 30th anniversary this year when their actual 30th is in 2019?

Am sure by the late 1980s, generally speaking having children outside of marriage was not that big a deal anymore in the UK.

I think you need to tell your dad to tell your sister the truth otherwise you will. I think she needs to know too, and soon.

It was rather cheeky of your parents to expect a second celebration and not right if they only told you the truth to get a second party.

However, I think YABU and OTT in your reaction. Am I right to assume that they have been good parents, brought you and your siblings up well, shown lots of love, done lots for you, not abused you or treated you badly? If that is the case then the only thing they have done wrong is lie about when they got married. not the crime of the century. they are just dates. there is no huge deception. nothing anyway that should validate your level of bitterness and anger.

I think your sister needs to know asap so she can halt preparations for their 30th this year before its too late. Then you can all prepare together for their 30th in 2019. Hopefully by that time you will have calmed down and realised that it really isnt that big a deal.

Please stop this bitterness and anger because all you are doing is turning yourself into a negative person, you are hurting your family, and you are going to split your family and cause needless heartache. Life is too short! We only get to enjoy our parents in our lives for so long before they leave us and it is sad that you are hellbent on destroying your relationship with them and also your siblings. I hope you can laugh at all this in a few years time and think how silly it was. Don't let the anger take you over and ruin your life, as it will, if you let it.

Crocodopolis · 14/03/2015 20:14

YABU.

MissusThePoint · 14/03/2015 20:17

Am I right to assume that they have been good parents, no Suggest you're not right to assume. The DH used to sellotape OPs mouth because she talked too much.

and yes, I have fantasised about doing the same to my own DCs but that's not the same has actually doing it!

Charlie97 · 14/03/2015 20:17

Yabu! It was so different back then, the shame of not being married made them li!

Be honoured they were happy to share the truth!

MissusThePoint · 14/03/2015 20:17

Really Crocodoplis? Have you RTFT?

wanttosqueezeyou · 14/03/2015 20:17

Please tell your sister! Don't collude in their little lie which became a much bigger deception. You didn't like it and I'm sure she wouldn't.

Why not explain the real reason you don't want to be involved in her plans?

I'd feel betrayed at being lied to for so long.

And I wouldn't be throwing any elaborate parties as the whole thing seems to be a little bit of a farce for them anyway.

Bunbaker · 14/03/2015 20:20

I feel bad about sounding off at you earlier. The more information you have given about yourself and your family has made me feel more sympathy towards you.

I think that your sister needs to know though. If you have no relationship with her what have you got to lose? Is there another relative you can talk to about this?

In your OP you mentioned a photo "of the three of us". Do you have another sibling?

PHANTOMnamechanger · 14/03/2015 20:23

the selotape thing is just awful Sad

that you tried so hard to throw them a 25th party was lovely, they should have fessed up as soon as you started planning that though. I can see why they might have lied to cover up that you were illegitimate, but going as far as making you think you never even knew your grandad, that's mean (are there no photos of you with him?) As for then coming back to you, and having the nerve to then fess up about the dates and blatantly ask you to throw them the party again, well, words fail me. You should just tell your sister outright why you want nothing at all to do with celebrating their anniversaries. They have hurt you, several times over, and seem unrepentent. presumably they are in effect looking forward to hvaing another party thrown for them and expecting you to go along with the pretence so your sister does not cancel or postpone it for a few years. they sound very entitled to me.

Cucumberisproofthedevilexists · 14/03/2015 20:23

Your father comes out of this very badly. On top of the selotape incident (and I wonder how he behaved throughout your childhood if that is an example of his parenting), he, as a married man in his late 30s, cheated on his first wife and got your 17 year old mother pregnant. The selfishness demonstrated by that is replicated in the demand for another party. I don't think YABU at all to be upset by the accumulated treatment. I do think you should tell your sister.

Thetruthshallmakeyefret · 14/03/2015 20:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SuggestmeaUsername · 14/03/2015 20:27

Am I right to assume that they have been good parents, no Suggest you're not right to assume. The DH used to sellotape OPs mouth because she talked too much.

MissusThePoint The post about sellotape wasnt there when I started typing my post so I was not aware of that then until I hit the post message button. That is an awful thing to do. abusive you could say. so there are obviously more underlying issues than the OP's original post. I think it would be good for the OP to open up to her sister. tell her what is behind her reasoning.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 14/03/2015 20:28

God your poor parents.

Life is too, too short for this kind of non-drama. You could seriously regret this kind of emotional flouncing in years to come.

Get a bit of a grip, OP. It's really not that much of a biggie.

SuggestmeaUsername · 14/03/2015 20:30

Am sorry OP, there is obviously more to this and your experience of growing up than your original post let on. I hope you are okay and are able to sort your feelings out and have someone in your life you can open up and talk to. take care

MinceSpy · 14/03/2015 20:32

A 37 year old married man getting a 17 year old girl pregnant would have been a massive deal in the 80s so I can understand how the deception started. What I struggle with is once they told you why didn't they tell your sister, seems so stupid.

I'd get a certified copy of their marriage certificate and email your sister a copy of it. In truth your parents can have no expectation of you not telling your sister.

SuggestmeaUsername · 14/03/2015 20:34

any new posters, please read the whole thread before passing negative judgement on the poor OP as there are greater issues here than what you read in the original post

kickassangel · 14/03/2015 20:34

op - it sounds like such a mess, and as if you've had a really hard time.

your dad sounds very arrogant, possibly even abusive. To summarize:
He had an affair when he was married, with your mum, who was still legally a child.

Both parents and all relatives colluded to lie to you and your sister about their wedding date just to avoid having to explain that to you (when it wasn't that bad to have had a child then get married)

Your dad abused you and mocked you for traits which are part of being on the spectrum.

They only told you (and not your sister!) when they wanted something from you.

They sound really nasty, and your sister must be slightly in lala land if she thinks she'll turn up for photos with you and you'll all just chat along nicely, after no contact.

I hope you don't mind me saying that with your diagnosis, you will find it harder to connect all the different parts of this ridiculously complex issue, and that yes, you're likely to think 'a lie is a lie' and be quite absolute about it. However, this isn't a little white lie. This has been a lifetime of deluding you and treating you as if your memories, thoughts and feelings don't matter. They're now expecting you to go along with their schemes even if it means that your sister will end up hurt.

You have every right to keep away from this charade, spill the beans or turn up and enjoy the free cake, whatever you want, really.