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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DH and his holidays with MIL

141 replies

milano666 · 14/03/2015 11:17

Have name changed as my MIL might be on here.

Sorry for another MIL dilemma, but it's a big one for me and I need advise and perspectives.

DH dad died a year ago after years of illness. My MIL was his carer for years and more or less stuck in the house with him. Since he died and left quite a considerable sum of money, my MIL has treated herself to lots of days out and weekend aways in Europe taking my DH and his brother. I think this is great and support their time together though I sometimes feel why doesn't she invite all of us ( we have 2 children as has BIL and SIL - secondary school age).

Now MIL has decided she wants a trip to America with her boys this autumn for 10 days. For me its s holiday of a lifetime that I would love to go on with DH and the children. I really resent DH going without us. Its not MILs money I am after. We both have good jobs and can afford to go to Anerica if we saved up. We also have quite a few holidays a year together so I am not suffering on the holiday-front.

Also relevant I think -about 5 years ago I found that DH had had a 10 year affair with another woman which included lots of "business travel". We have stayed together and our marriage is good but I fetl he has seen a lot of the world without me already!!

AIBU for refusing an older lady a nice holiday and to see America with her boys or can I put my foot diwn and suggest she takes a friend of joins organised group travel?

OP posts:
Purplepoodle · 14/03/2015 11:21

I think if your still having lots of family holidays then I can't see problem with dh going. A 10 year affair though, wow, surely that's most of your marriage

FuckingLiability · 14/03/2015 11:21
Shock

YADNBU.

I'm afraid I wouldn't be putting up with the weekends away and 10 days in the US. It's nice that your DH and BIL make an effort to spend time with her but I'd draw the line at holidays.

redskirt · 14/03/2015 11:21

I would be starting to get sick of it tbh. Maybe one weekend a year. What does dh think of all the invites?

SonnyJimBob · 14/03/2015 11:25

I see your position, but I think it is unreasonable if you already have regular family holidays together, if you can as a couple afford to save up and go to America, and if you do not feel too left in the lurch taking care of things at home.

I personally don't think the affair is relevant. He is going with his mother and brother after all. You don't have to share all life experiences as one.

however · 14/03/2015 11:28

10 years?.

YANBU. but I'd expect my husband would be saying thanks, but no thanks without me saying anything at all. Most would, I think?

But he hadn't considered you before, so at least he's consistent.

SunshineAndShadows · 14/03/2015 11:30

It sounds as if your MIL has been at home as a carer for many years, and over the last year has decided to spend quality time with her sons. Its something she enjoys and I think its a shame to begrudge that though of course you don't want DH spending all of his AL with DMIL.

I'd see the trip to America as perhaps a last 'big trip' for the 3 of them and discuss this with your DH. Or perhaps you and the DC could also go if you paid for yourselves? (depending on whether its a child friendly holiday) I could understand you MIL not wanting to go to disneyworld etc so perhaps you could just plan for a different America experience with your family at a different time? (its a pretty big place)

Talk to your DH - explain that the trips away are making you feel insecure and that you want to be able to spend his leave together as quality time with the DC, encourage your MIl to find other friends/support but don't begrudge her time with her sons. Imagine how you might feel in her position.

Dowser · 14/03/2015 11:33

I wouldn't be happy. I would wonder why I was continually excluded from this exclusive club.

If she wants family time...then we come as a family.

I think mil is being unreasonable. Her sons are grown ups not little kids to be carted around.

Someone needs to tell her.

It's definitely not on.

Mintyy · 14/03/2015 11:33

It is a problem if op's dh only gets a few weeks holiday from his job each year.

I think it's a little bit odd to want to take your adult children away from their families for a treat.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/03/2015 11:33

I can see your point, to be fair.

Bear with me:
1.5y ago, DH won a work award, which should have given him a trip to Europe. This was commuted instead to a trip to Canada, to a conference there (a bit of a "jolly", in actuality) at Niagara Falls; after which he did a road trip with a male colleague around various bits of Canada that I have always wanted to see.
I couldn't stop him going, and wouldn't have - but oh boy do I resent the fact that he has now been to Niagara Falls, Toronto (where I have a friend whom I haven't seen for years), Montreal etc. Now he has been there, there is no impetus for him to go again - he's already seen it! But I haven't and chances of me getting to go there now is severely reduced. :(

So from this perspective I absolutely see your point. Your DH is going off on experiences that you and your DC would also love to have - and I think it's reasonable to be pissed off about it.

OTOH. Would you go too? Would you want to be with your MIL? Would your DC want to be with your MIL and BIL too? Because if so, and there is a possibility that you can afford it, then why don't you all just go along as well? Would MIL throw a tanty about it? Because that would be unreasonable.

DH is planning on taking MIL on a weekend trip to Ayers Rock this Easter - I'm absolutely fine with that because a) I'll be in the UK with the DC and b) I've already been there and they haven't. If he was taking her to NZ, I would definitely be raging might be a tad annoyed about it though, as I haven't been there myself either.

I think you should explain that you would like to do this American trip too and see if it can be made to happen, in all honesty, rather than sitting quiet and resenting it.

Ohanarama · 14/03/2015 11:34

YANBU - I think it is very strange that your MIL would expect both her adult sons to leave their families to accompany her on holiday and I think it is strange that both her sons agree to it. It would be much more normal if she took it in turns to take one son and their family on holiday, perhaps sharing the cost.
What does your SIL think of this?
Has anyone tried to suggest to MIL that she holidays with a friend or goes on a specialist holiday for older people on their own?

championnibbler · 14/03/2015 11:40

Jesus - a 10 YEAR affair!
them holidays with the MIL is the least of your problems, i would have thought.

nequidnimis · 14/03/2015 11:40

I think the odd weekend away with his mother is a lovely thing, but a 10 day holiday is another thing entirely.

She is being unreasonable to exclude you and SIL from the invitation, and it is worrying that he wants to spend a big chunk of his holiday allowance without you and your DC.

I would be asking to join them, and explaining why to both DH and MIL, possibly after getting SIL on board.

Georgethesecond · 14/03/2015 11:42

Can you suggest that you all go? You could offer to pay for the three of you.

Andanotherthing123 · 14/03/2015 11:46

Yanbu - why doesn't mil want dhs family to come too? They are her GC after all! The weekends are fine but 10 days annual leave is a big chunk out of family holiday time together.

Plus I think the 10 year affair with holidays is bloody relevant. He's lucky you let him go away at all.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 14/03/2015 11:47

I'm not sure the sight-seeing aspect of a ten year affair is the bit that would bother me...

But any hoo, what did your dh say when you told him you were jealous?

NotGoingOut17 · 14/03/2015 11:52

I agree with sunshine, I'd let this one go but start talking to DH about how you feel so this isn't just the beginning of annual 10 day holidays - the bereavement was still recent and although they've had weekends away together that's very different from a 10 day trip to America.

But from next year I'd be expecting either that you and SIL and children are also included or that if MIL just wants her sons, they limit it to a weekend away, I certainly don't think it's fair if DH was to have a holiday of such scale without you and the children every year but having lost a parent myself last year I can understand the need to spend time alone with my remaining parent and sibling alone (despite my DP being v supportive).

In time MIL will probably build the confidence to holiday alone/go on organised trips for solo travellers but at one year on from losing her presumably DH of many years it may be too soon and at a time like this I would like to think I would allow her the time to be with her sons - in the grand scheme of things 10 days out of 365 isn't a huge amount given the circumstances. We are having a family holiday for the 1st time since i was about 14 this year because it's important that my Dad (having lost my mum last year) gets some time out but he isn't confident enough to go on his own given he has just lost his wife of 30+ years. He knows we won't be able to do this every year and we have talked about him going on trips for solo travellers etc.

A 10 year affair is absolutely appauling OP, so sorry, but I don't think it is relevant to the holiday. I also think that as you have said you have other holidays and could afford to go if you saved means that your DH having an envy inspiring hol is less of a deal than had you not had a holiday in 10 years. Like I say I'd let him have this one but start thinking about future years and discussing it with him - you shouldn't have to expect this every year from now.

Zebda · 14/03/2015 11:56

I think YANBU at all. A weekend or two a year I wouldn't mind at all them getting together for old times sake, but a 10 day trip to a place I and the DC would love to go to (particularly if I was happy and capable of paying my own way) I would deeply resent. Also I would be hurt if MIL didn't want to spend time/share experiences with her DGCs.

What does your DH think? The whole 10-yr affair (crikey!) and this would lead me to feel that DH didn't want to spend time with me and the DC, and that would be the bigger issue here....

jelliebelly · 14/03/2015 11:58

A 10 year affair is quite mind boggling frankly but irrelevant to this question. Odd that he and his brother want to go without their families though - I wouldn't be happy either. YANBU

HootOnTheBeach · 14/03/2015 12:01

I think YAB a bit U. I think your DP's affair is sort of irrelevant to the story, although I do feel sorry for you.

I have a friend obsessed with America and they go back annually for their hols. You can go somewhere more than once and you can go on your own or with a friend or even with extended family. Not everything has to be a nuclear family affair.

Now - this woman has spent a good chunk of her life isolated and as a carer. She suddenly has the freedom and ability to go anywhere she likes. She wants to take her children with her, i.e. her nearest and dearest. She is being incredibly selfish, but I think in her position I would be too. She might be feeling the pressure of how little time she has left on this Earth following her DH's death and wants to spend it with her children. If this was my mother, I wouldn't say no to her.

Finola1step · 14/03/2015 12:04

Your Husband had a 10 year affair and you are peeved that he might have seen bits of the world without you. Is this for real?

SwedishEdith · 14/03/2015 12:05

How old is the mil? Realistically, how long could this go on for? It just looks like she's seeing her sons as a replacement husband and I find it odd that they want to go on so many holidays with their mum. As she can clearly afford them, why doesn't she pay to take a friend or go on an organised trip.

Finola1step · 14/03/2015 12:05

Oh and as to whether the 10 year affair is relevant... The OP put it in her post, so it's obviously relevant to her.

Original poster
milano666 · 14/03/2015 12:06

Thanks for all input. I really appreciate all responses. Just to answer some points -

The 10 year affair is relevant because of the holidays he had with OW and the things he did without me. MIL doesn't know about it so will never know my additional reason for refusing him to go. She would blame me I think.

America is big but it's a particular place MIL wants to go which I have always wanted to see with DH and the children. It's not Disney.

I don't want to go with MIL on holiday so if we were paying I would want to just be us. That might make me unreasonable?

DH understands how I feel but I think he feels sorry for his mum who didn't get to do much when FIL was around too. DH will say no and not be resentful or annoyed. Despite the little detail of the affair he is s great DH. I would be Shockif I heard anyone say that so don't worry about feeling Hmm but the affair is not my AIBU today.

I am worried if I say no I will one day sit in her funeral thinking I stopped her from going on her trip of a lifetime.

OP posts:
however · 14/03/2015 12:09

You didn't get to do much when he was cavorting with his mistress, either. Did you ever consider that?

BruthasTortoise · 14/03/2015 12:10

I'd let them have this one tbh. If it was a yearly occurrence then I'd be miffed but having seen my Gran nurse my Granda through years of terrible illness and the trauma she suffered following his death (and the realisation of how many years she have effectively "lost") I can see where MIL is coming from.

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